"I can be changed by what happens to me, but i refuse to be reduced by it."

Today is my 24th birthday, and I decided that it would be the perfect time to re-enter the online world of social media. For months I've been trying to decide whether or not I should start blogging again, and if I should, when would be the right time to start?
Well, a lot has happened since I decided to stop writing. I'm thrilled to report that I've been accepted to law school in New York City, and will be leaving the south (hopefully) for good in August. During my break I busted my ass studying for the LSATs, applying to 15 law schools all over the country, and taking online classes to finish my undergraduate degree. I made the decision that I needed to focus everything on my future and getting the hell out of here, and that distractions like blogging and tweeting would have to wait.
Although I certainly missed this outlet, I believe that it paid off. I increased my LSAT score by 6 points from the last time I took it, which doesn't sound like much, but is actually huge. It took me from the 48th percentile nationwide to the 80th percentile, opening doors for me to schools that I previously didn't stand a chance at getting accepted to.
This time last year I remember starving myself for the days leading up to my birthday so that I could eat a birthday dinner. Today, I'm able to say that I have not skipped a meal in about two weeks, and that I am very much looking forward to my birthday dinner with my parents tonight.
This does not mean that I've magically "beaten" my eating disorder, I still struggle with it daily. Without going into too much detail (saving for the next post), I would say that I've largely become more of a restricter and exercise addict than binger and purger- although I still have my episodes every so often. Overall, though, I feel a lot better today than last year. Not that it's necessarily any better or healthier, but right now the exercising is providing me with the ability to five myself permission to eat and even enjoy food, albeit food I consider "healthy," which tends to include mostly "safe foods" like fruits, vegetables, protein and fiber. I can't wait to talk about what Ive been doing/up to in more detail in future posts, including exercise/diet regimens and my life in general.
I debated for a long time whether I should wait til I was permanently moved to NYC before rekindling the blog, as I thought that would truly represent my new start. But, I have a feeling that the days and weeks leading up to and immediately following the move and beginning of law school classes will turn out to be stressful and hectic-so I decided might as well start a little early-and what better than my birthday?
On that note, I'm going to run and get a quick gym session in before getting ready for the rest of the day. I'm really happy to be back, and I hope that everyone has been staying strong. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to sharing more in the posts to come!

LM


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Had almost forgotten what accomplishing a GOAL felt like!

   Hey guys! I'm gunna keep this post short and sweet because its 1:00am and I have to wake up early to drop off my resume at a law office that is 45 minutes from here, first thing in the morning! The plan has been going really well overall, with a few exceptions in the form of binges. There was the one I already wrote about in my last post, and then I had another one late last night after sneaking out to the porch to smoke some Mary J. Wow, just typing that gave me high school flashbacks! And I KNOW that puffin on the sticky icky gives me munchies, and it is well documented that it often leads to binge episodes for me...but man does it calm me the fuck down! So, sometimes (like last night) after a rough day I weigh the pros and cons and still decide that I need some green in my system ASAP.
   Luckily, it was a much more responsible binge than the previously discussed one, and I basically ate a bowl of Fiber One cereal, 15-20 whole grain wheat thins with hummus, and a 20cal sugar-free fudgesicle with about a tablespoon of peanut butter (not disputing the weirdness of putting peanut butter on a fudgesicle). So, while I would have preferred that it didn't happen-all in all the whole binge was between 400-500cals, which is about the same amount as I've been burning on the treadmill every day, which has really been helping. In this instance, without the binge I would have been in the negative for the day (having burned more than I ate), and with it I about broke even, so it definitely eased the anxiety a bit.
   Enough introspection for now-let's cut to the chase. I am proud to report that, despite those two setbacks, between my exercising and diet plan I did indeed get down to my goal of 107lbs for today! Which is a relief, because I haven't been succeeding at much else lately. Still haven't completely unpacked my trunk, which has caused me to keep postponing driving back to my apartment, because the whole point is to fill up another carload of my stuff, which I can't do until I empty the car.
   OK, the pics are below. My apologies in advance for the gym shorts instead of underwear-I know it's harder to see my thighs and track progress in that area, but I'm still on my period so I figured you'd rather look at gym shorts than my pad lol.

So happy to see that number!

Front

Side

Collarbone

   I'm ALSO sorry that the pics are so grainy, the lighting in my Dad's bathroom is worse than in my Mom's, but I like it better because he doesn't have that annoying mauve-colored shower curtain in the background. So, I went for the better background and tried to brighten the exposure when I loaded the pics...very little success. A photographer I am not.

   I really have to try to go to bed now, even though I know it's going to be difficult because my mind is already racing with the amount of shit I have to do tomorrow. OH! That reminds me! Don't have time to go into it now, but since I'm really moving down here I began the process of finding a new therapist and psychiatrist, and I have a 1:00pm appointment tomorrow with one of the therapists I found on my insurance plan-so I'll be sure to let you know how that goes! Goodnight, my loves!

LM

WHOA-FREAK OUT MODE!

   This isn't going to be a particularly motivational post. Basically, was doing really amazing until late Friday night, had kept it between 250-450cals each day and burned between 500-1000 with exercise....was feeling really great. But I really fucked up Friday night. Friday afternoon i weighed myself and I was down to 106.2, which made me really happy because I was on my way to my 105 goal for today. I was even feeling so well that I went shopping for my dress to wear at my friend's wedding in Antigua-something I usually hate doing, because I can't stand trying on clothes in the mirror and being reminded of my size. I spent a solid 3 hours shopping, trying on dresses in 5 different stores, and was so happy that I was consistently a Sz. 2 everywhere...which just made me want to hold out and not buy anything until I reach a Sz. 0.

   Well, I was feeling a little too good, I guess, and decided I deserved a relaxing afternoon off with one of my friends that I hadn't hung out with in a while. Problem is, this particular friend and I NEVER hang out without getting HIGH AS A KITE. And I had been dutifully abstaining from drugs and alcohol, since I know they just facilitate binges. Long story short: by 12:30AM, I had eaten half a box of Wheat-Thins, half of a small cheese platter, and an ENTIRE MEDIUM PIZZA with pineapple and banana peppers!!!! It was SO DISGUSTING! And the whole time, I kept thinking "No big deal, I'll just purge when I get home." But then I kept getting HIGH and NOT LEAVING! Ugh. I haven't been that angry at myself in a really long time. It was SUCH a lapse in judgement on my part...I KNOW that I have incredible self control and motivation when I am SOBER...and very little when I am not. Epic fail. 

   So, I ended up sleeping over because I never got sober enough to drive home, and when I finally did come home Saturday morning, I weighed myself. 110.6. One night of getting high and eating whatever I wanted, and I went from 106.2 to 110.6 in less than 24 hours. ONE NIGHT erased about two weeks worth of hard work and discipline. I went into total FREAK OUT mode-and haven't had a single bite to eat since that Pizza late Friday night. I went out and bought some new diet pills, because I had run out of mine. I've been on an exercise rampage, while having nothing but water and fiber supplements. 

   It's hasn't been easy, but between the no eating and 2-3 hours of exercise all day Saturday and Sunday, and so far 30 minutes early this morning...I think I've finally counter-acted Friday night's binge. Last I weighed myself was late last night (Sunday) and I was down to 105.6. I'm hoping that by the time I take my weekly pictures and do my Monday weigh-in later today, that 0.6lbs will be gone. I refuse to eat a single morsel of food until I am 105lb or less. I almost broke last night and I went as far as putting a handful of raisins in my mouth...and I chewed them for about 15 seconds before spitting them out. I hate living like this, I was really trying to avoid reverting to this kind of extreme behavior...but I can't help it I guess. 

   I'm doing a 10:15 cycling class in an hour, and I've already done 30 minutes of Yoga when I woke up. I also went out and bought three exercise and fitness magazines/guides, and yesterday I did about an hour of moves from one of them for core work and muscle strengthening. I think I'll do another set of them later after the cycling class. Whatever it takes to burn as many calories as possible. Every hour I'm drinking about a half a cup of either water or green tea. 

   I have a therapy appointment later today, I don't think I'm going to be totally honest about what I'm doing right now. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm afraid if I'm honest my therapist will want to hospitalize me, and I really don't want to be in the hospital for my birthday. Right now, I'm thinking that if I get down to 105 or less by tonight, I'll allow myself to slowly start eating again tomorrow, so that I enjoy my birthday as much as possible. I just wanted to update, will post my weekly pics later...hopefully featuring some good numbers!!

LM

MIA

Hey guys~
   Sorry for being a little MIA the past two days. They have been going REALLY well, though! On Tuesday I went for a walk in the park with my friend, who is also trying to eat healthy, exercises, and lose weight. It's great because we can pretty much call one another anytime (that we know the other isn't working) and have a buddy to do WHATEVER!
   Well, we walked for a little over an hour and whenever I walk in the park I always bring my free weights to amp it up a notch, so I did 5lb arm exercises the whole time we walked. When I got back I tried something new for breakfast: A SMOOTHIE! But one I made myself, so I knew it wasn't packed with shit I didn't need. I put 1/2 cup raspberries (25cal), 1/2 cup strawberries (26.5cal), I Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal), 1 tblsp pineapple juice (8.5cal), 1/2 scoop of Vanilla Whey Protein (70cal), and about 4 ice cubes. It was DELICIOUS and incredibly filling and satisfying, all for 180cal. And really, it was a little too much for me to finish, so I didn't even drink it all-I put about 1/3 of it back in the fridge and had it later for lunch with 1 Wasa Crispbread (45cal), and 1 Red. Fat String Cheese (50cal).
   Then I had to have my friend drive me to the DMV to clear up and issue with my license, and that was probably the worst part of the day! The DMV definitely lived up to their reputation of being awful, slow, inefficient, and incompetent! I made an APPOINTMENT for 4:15, was there at 4:00, and there was a line of about 25 other people WITHOUT APPOINTMENTS in front of me. So when I asked if there was another line for people with appointments, like there SHOULD BE-I was told that there wasn't and that I just had to wait with everyone else...so why did they even take my appointment in the first place if it didn't matter??
   Also, when I called to make my apparently FAKE appointment, I asked the person what documents I needed to have with me, and I was told exactly what I needed: Insurance card, vehicle registration, current license, social security card, and proof that I did an online driver improvement course (Had the certificate and the receipt). Awesome-got it all. Well after waiting for a half hour in line, I get there and present all of my info and the guy tells me I NEED MY PASSPORT! WTF! Not only did the person I spoke to when I first called NEVER MENTION A PASSPORT, but WHY do I need a PASSPORT for this SIMPLE matter! Jesus christ! Ya, so I had to leave without getting anything fixed and I'm going back tomorrow (Fri) morning. Sorry for all the caps-lock yelling, definitely needed to vent that one out!
   Anyway, that was an epic FAIL, but afterwards to de-stress my friend and I stopped and got a manicure-which I was in desperate need of. I got this really cute NEON pink color which makes me feel fun and summery. The only real bump, diet-wise, was that after the manicure we were both really hungry (it was about 6:30 by now, hadn't eaten since noonish) and decided to stop at this strip mall that has a Pita Pit and a Mochi right next to each other! For anyone who doesn't know those chains, Pita Pit is this awesome fast-food alternative that you pick what you want (vegetables, sauces, meat-whatever) and they grill it in front of you and put it in a Pita. So, it's pretty healthy compared to a lot of shit. BUT I still don't like adding the extra carbs of a Pita, so you can turn any of their Pitas into a salad. I basically just got a bowl with lettuce and every vegetable they had (except Sprouts-gross lol). Just used vinegar for dressing, so I know there was close to nothing in it, but it was really filling.
   The salad isn't the issue-fucking MOCHI is the issue! Again, for anyone who doesn't know of it, Mochi is this fat-free frozen yogurt chain that is supposedly really healthy and has fresh fruit toppings, etc. They claim that there is only 25-30cal per oz, and it is self-serve, so you can fill it however many ounces you want. Here's the thing: they only publish the nutritional information for their ORIGINAL flavor, but they have like 20 ridiculous flavors like "Red Velvet," "Cookies and Cream," "Coconilla," "Almond," "Chocolate..." you get the idea, the list goes on and on! So I don't understand why they don't have the information for ALL of the flavors, and when I asked, they told me "they are all the same." I find that VERY DIFFICULT to believe. So, I always get nervous when I go there, because even though its delicious, I hate not knowing what I'm eating. To me, if you don't publish the information, it could be ANYTHING! Red Velvet could have 25 calories per oz OR it could have 1000 calories per oz! But, ya, so we had Mochi and I got half Red Velvet and half Coconilla with fresh strawberries on top-it was really great. But when I got home, even though I knew that I probably hadn't had that much...the mystery of the Mochi really got in my head, and I ended up purging just in case.
   The rest of the night was fine, no binges, and I worked out more: did the treadmill for around 30 minutes, my little Shake Weight video, and a 30 minute Yoga podcast. Then at night my friend and I went in the hot tub to unwind a bit and soothe our muscles (shes been working out a lot, too).
   Yesterday was really great, diet and exercise-wise...but I did have a really intense therapy session that was a little rough. I'll spare you the minute-by-minute, meal-by-meal for the sake of length and time-but for the whole day I stayed under 400cal, and I did my park workout (jump rope and abs) for 45 minutes plus Shake Weight and a little swimming. The session, though, was really crazy. I'm also not going to go entirely into it, because it's really personal, but basically I'm with a therapist right now that I REALLY love, and it is the first time I've ever been this open, honest, and comfortable with my therapist before.
   However, after finally reaching this level with him, I am moving in a little over two months, and will lose him. This comes right at a time when we JUST started bridging some incredibly intense topics, that I wasn't ready to talk about before-the kind of stuff that it takes a year or two to even come out in therapy. I really felt like we were on the verge of a major breakthrough with some of my trauma issues-and now I'm leaving and will have to start all over again with someone else...that is, if I even continue therapy once I move. Part of me is just so frustrated at the thought of having to start all over with someone, that it actually angers me to the point of a physiological reaction. Just the idea of losing all the time I've spent with my current doctor and even having to go through the process of looking for someone else, and then having that awkward first session, and taking another year or more to build up trust and a relationship....wow, my blood pressure is rising just typing it. I was near a full-blown panic attack in the office yesterday.
   Anyway, this post is way longer than I meant it to be already. I just had some breakfast (meal total=80cal), wanted to take some time to write and plan out the rest of my day before getting started. Have a lot of work to do today, not sure if I'll be able to post again tonight-but I'll try. I'm meeting with someone tonight around 5:45 to finish up a project we've been doing the past 5 months or so, and it should be very *interesting* based on the last "meeting" we had...if you catch my drift, lol. Until next time ~ Keep up all the great work, everyone! And stay strong!

LM

"For some, love fades; for others love is simply lost"

   What is funny is that when I first thought of writing this post, I had thought that a post not having to do with weight or food might be a refreshing divergence of my train of thought. Then, when I actually sat down to write it and thought about what to say, I realized that this still, at its core, has EVERYTHING to do with weight and food. So the story goes.
   I could write a dissertation's worth of background information and explanations, but I will spare you 10 years worth of history. In short, I've only ever been in love one time, with one person. In true cliche fashion, I fell in love with them in the seventh grade before I even knew what love was, and stayed in love with them the rest of my life. I've dated others briefly in that time, but never let anyone get too close. I've always kept my relationships very shallow, because (as terrible as it sounds) I've always known going into it that it wasn't going to last.
   Well, my love, henceforth to be referred to as "J" (clever, I know) and I have had quite a Romeo & Juliet journey, with various obstacles throughout the years keeping one or both of us from being able to be in a relationship...with anyone, let alone with each other. However, about 3 years ago it had finally seemed like the stars were aligning for us. I truly, perhaps stupidly, thought that we would finally be together. What ensued was pretty heartbreaking, and its difficult for me to think about it. We basically got incredibly close, exchanged mutual feelings of unrequited love for each other, and were on the brink of finally beginning a romantic relationship.
   Yet, despite having shared things with J that I'd never even considered discussing with anyone else, and having this feeling of "kindred souls," there was one thing that I couldn't bring myself to disclose, and that was my eating disorder. We had a mutual acquaintance that had struggled with bulimia and gone to treatment, and whom we happened to not particularly like, and J always thought it was funny to joke about. I callously laughed along, and even made some of my own jokes at her expense, all the while telling myself that I could never, ever let my own ED be known.
   J had a family history of mental illness, as do I, and it was always an area that we both bonded over but were very sensitive about at the same time. In addition to my struggles with food, I've been diagnosed with various other *things* over the years, some that I believe and others that I don't. One of them happens to be the same thing that J's father suffers from, and because of that, J had/has a lot of negative and painful memories associated with it in childhood. I realized that no matter how much I loved J, it wasn't fair of me to not disclose information about myself that could potentially be a source of very big problems in the future.
   So, as I am prone to do, and can't really justify, I completely fell off the face of the earth with no explanation whatsoever. I stopped returning J's calls, blocked their AIM account, stopped all e-mails and text messages...just went from spending at least 4 hours of every day with each other to no contact at all in span of 24 hours. Then I put myself in treatment. After about a month in treatment, I finally got up the nerve to call J and explain myself. When I did, I was met with so much more understanding than I ever imagined. J even dropped everything and traveled 5 hours the next day to visit me. I thought everything was finally going to be OK.
   Well, treatment wasn't exactly the magical quick-fix that J had hoped it would be, and once I got out, I think J thought I would be "cured." But as I continued to have daily struggles, and because now I felt like I could finally talk about it, more and more of our conversations came to, at least in part, involve my ED, therapy, meds, etc. Like a lot of brothers and sisters out there struggling not only with ED but other issues, I have been and still am very resistant to medication, which became a really big source of disagreement between us, mostly because of the awful things J's father had done while unmedicated.
   We had been growing more and more distant, and finally about a year ago I ODed in the bathroom of a bar and was hospitalized for the third time in about a 6-month period, which was then followed by being Baker Acted to a pysch ward. I called from there crying, asking J to please come visit me.

"No."

   That one simple word, and I knew that it was over. I realized that this was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. When I got out, I tried for weeks to reach J. Nothing...the tables had certainly turned, and it really sucked being on that side of a communication cut-off.
   Its now been almost exactly a year since we last spoke. I try not to think about it, and for the most part I like to think that I've at least partially gotten over it. I've moved on in a lot of ways: I no longer spend entire days crying in a fetal position thinking about J, I don't spend hours in bed at night thinking about all the "what if's" anymore, I finally stopped expecting J to have a sudden change of heart and remorsefully contact me, and I've largely accepted that it just wasn't meant to be.
   Well, of course once I finally reached sort of a healthy mindset regarding what went down with J, I sign into my e-mail account yesterday to find...what? An e-mail from J. No subject. Just J's e-mail address in the "sender" section, staring at me. After all the progess I thought I had made, just seeing J's name and e-mail address made my heart completely skip a beat. I came close to bursting into tears as my mind screamed "FINALLY!!!!!!"
   I briefly fantasized about what it would say, whether or not J was even still in town, if there would be an apology, maybe a peace-offering coffee date? Want to know what it said?

N

o

t

h

i

n

g

   Nothing. An empty e-mail with nothing but a link that wouldn't load. I've come to the conclusion that it was probably just some stupid spam from J's account getting hacked or something. Sigh. I'm such a fucking idiot.
   You know what the saddest part is? That I've been dealing with this by stopping all eating, and spending all my free time exercising. The same fucking bullshit that made me lose J to begin with. Somewhere in my twisted mind I still think, if I can just get thin enough, if I can just be pretty enough, if I can just prove that I'm good at SOMETHING...maybe someone will love me again one day.
   One of my favorite movies is "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz. I know, its really cheesy. I just love Kate Winslet's character so much, and I know the movie pretty much word-for-word. The title of this post is something she says while narrating. The full quotation is:

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love.

True story.

LM

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