Never thought I'd be this happy to be at home!

   It's been about 4 days back home living with my parents now, ever since The Great Moving Debacle of 2010 ended. As bad/difficult a time I was having before I left, that whole experience put some stuff in perspective. My parents can be insane and impossible at times-but so can I! And at least they love me, and are giving me a place to stay while I figure my shit out, and have given up their whole house practically to become a giant storage unit for all of my stuff-not to mention they buy groceries and DON'T STEAL FROM ME!
   Don't get me wrong, we still have our issues-but I think all families do. Granted, I do think ours can be significantly more abnormal than most, but there have got to be families that are worse, too! It is still a little rough while I'm job searching at the same time my mom is job searching, but setting up the wireless router has really helped with the sharing the one computer issue. My laptop is SO much better and faster, and I can just bring it anywhere in the house that my parents are not located, lol.
   I think I mentioned before that I had a really solid, good interview at a great law firm about a week ago. I got called today to schedule the second and final interview, so it's now set for August 12th at 1:00PM. Now I just have to brush up on my typing and Quickbooks skillz. I'm not too worried about that, though-I'm more worried that one of the other candidates will just have more/better experience that I can't really compete with. But whatever-I made it there, too, right? Obviously they like something about me.
   In the meantime I've been unpacking, exercising, searching for a new therapist, and battling evil fucking insurance companies. Just a day in the life. The unpacking is going really slowly-I just have so much stuff I don't know where to start! I'm def going to eBay or Craigslist my treadmill though, at least that could make me like a few hundred bucks  to keep me going until I'm employed again. Since I joined the gym nearby, don't really need a personal treadmill anymore. I'm also going to be an extra in some random club scene being shot for some commercial...I know, it sounds pretty desperate/lame-but they are paying the extras $200 cash just to smile and look cute in the background. I'll take that ANY day. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to make that money, honey.
   I haven't binged/purged in two days now, and I'm trying really hard to stay disciplined and just stick to my meal plan. When I don't eat too much, then I don't have to purge...it's just so much easier said than done. So far today I've had 3 small meals adding up to about 250 cals so far...but I'm going to the gym at 9pm, and I'm going to eat another 80cal before I go to give me some energy, and then I usually have 1/2cup of egg whites when I get back from the gym for the protein, which is another 50cal. So all in all I'll have done around 380-400 today, probably more like 425 if you include the fiber supplements. I'm happy with that-every time I go to the gym I do at least 450cal on the treadmill-more if I can handle it. Last night I stopped at exactly 450 because I was in a rush to get home for Real Housewives of NJ (I know, it's a guilty pleasure)-but the night before I stayed on for 565cals, which I was really proud of. When I'm done with cardio, I always sit in the sauna for 10-15 minutes. I might just be nuts, but I feel like I burn a little more with all that heat and sweating-and it feels really refreshing when you finish.
   There is this little Italian place across the street that my parents really like, and on Mondays and Tuesdays they have a special on Large One-Topping Pizzas for only $5...so unfortunately, every Tuesday without fail, my father brings home a giant cheese pizza. I went downstairs into the kitchen for my last meal around 5:45pm (baby carrots with fat free ranch) and saw the PIZZA and almost fainted. I wanted to eat the ENTIRE PIE sooooooooo badly!!!! I just stood over it, smelling it, breathing in the cheese and the crust for about 5 minutes. Then I pretty much had to pinch myself, close the box, and sit down and eat my carrots. Sometimes eating something healthy can stop me from bingeing, because in my crazy head I think "well if I binge and purge now, I'll also end up purging the carrots, and those are good..." It stopped me this time...but there is still half a pizza in the fridge. I'm really hoping I don't succumb to a midnight binge later...
   OK well I gotta wrap this up if I want to leave for the gym by 9-after going to 4 therapists in the area, I finally found one that I REALLY love...and surprise, surprise--he's the only one my insurance denied. I'm so fed up with calling and arguing with them! Sometimes I genuinely believe that insurance companies and people who work there are pure, unadulterated evil. I've yet to speak with a single person that has shown any sign of possessing human-like qualities such as listening, understanding, or problem-solving. I mean, I know it must suck to work for insurance...but c'mon-they don't all have to be such condescending douchebags. Anyway, if I have to go to one more therapist's office and start completely over again one more time, I'm going to pull my hair out and have a nervous breakdown...and I seriously doubt that I'll find someone better than the doctor I finally settled on. So, despite HAVING mental health insurance that is only a $25 copay for the offices in the network....I'll be paying out of pocket the private rate to stay with this guy. We'll see how this turns out. I agreed to it under the assumption that I'm going to get this job and be working again full time in the next couple weeks and will be able to afford the private rate. If I do not get the job...then I'll have to discontinue sessions until I get another one.
   Alright-I'm off to eat a quick snack and then walk to the gym. Don't worry-I carry mace when I walk alone at night. I'm sure you were definitely concerned about that, lol. Until tomorrow ~

LM

It's 1:30am...do you know where your thoughts are?

   I think that today may have been the least productive day I've had in an extremely long time. I woke up with my period (shoot me), so I had cramps all day, and was bloated, and my lower back has felt like I spent the past three days moving furniture or something. Overall I had been doing pretty well the the new plan, but I had a slip-up/binge today around 2pm. I'm not really sure what triggered it...I think it was a combination of a lot of things. Of course, I think my period had a little bit to do with it, as I was moody and irritable and craving chocolate...but I also had gotten in an EPIC argument with my parents last night that was so bad that I'm looking for places to rent ASAP instead of trying to "wait it out here" until I found a new job. But ya, so I still wasn't speaking to them as of "The Binge," and I was trying so hard not to give in when my mother calls me from a restaurant she is having lunch at, where they happen to serve one of my FAVORITE (binge) foods in the WORLD: Fried Pickles!! Ya, I know-some people think it's gross but if you love them, then you LOVE them! Well, I think that her strange way of trying to make amends, instead of apologizing, was to call and ask if I wanted her to bring me home an order of Fried Pickles.
   Hmmm...let me think....NO! I mean, I think that she had good intentions..but she also is very aware that I'm very bulimic, and that fried pickles are up there with my binge foods like Ben and Jerry's, Peanut Butter Oreos, Nutella...ya. So I found it strange that she would encourage that. Anyway, I said no to them knowing that if I had them I would be unstoppable. And yet--I ended up bingeing ANYWAY! It was like, once the idea of bingeing was in my head, once I entertained those fried pickles...then I just as willing to entertain whatever else I could find. Which was: leftover baked ziti, wheat thins w/ cream cheese, little tiny chocolate cookies I found in my Dad's secret hiding junk food stash that he keeps from my mom, cereal, and good old BREAD! So that happened. But, I immediately purged everything...in fact, I was so disappointed in myself that I did way more than my normal purges-I must of done at least 5 cycles of purge-drink-purge-drink-purge-drink until absolutely nothing was left.
   Even though it made me feel a little better that I got rid of the junk...I was still really upset that I let it happen in the first place. And you know how after a really intense purge you are just completely exhausted? I felt like I had been hit by a train...probably also because of the PMS symptoms, but whoa-I was actually a little worried that I might have overdone it. So I laid down for a little while...and MAN-I am just so miserable here. When I'm distracted with job hunting and sending out resumes and going to see friends I don't have to dwell on it, but I really am so depressed to be at home with my parents right now. The kind of depressed where you don't ever want to get out of bed...and nothing seems worth doing.
   I promised myself that today I would finish unpacking all of my clothes, to get ready for the next carload of things I'll be bringing down in my next trip. I did NO such thing. And it wasn't like I had something better to do...there was just literally nothing I could tell myself that made getting out of bed seem worth it. I even tried telling myself "Hey, just get up and go to the gym and work out...you won't be unpacking, but it will get you out of the house, then maybe you'll feel better and more awake and will be able to do this." Nope. Still couldn't lift my head off of the pillow.
   "In 15 more minutes" became "in an hour" and now its almost 2am and I can honestly say I did NOTHING today but suck at life. The only ray of light is that I did get on the scale (which I promised myself I wouldn't do until Monday, but I was so concerned that with my period I had gained weight) and I'm down to 109. Not exactly a monumental drop-but anything that isn't a gain is cool with me. I think that there is reason to believe that I still have a shot at 107 by Monday, as long as I keep up with the exercise and don't have more binge-a-thons. Even though I couldn't bring myself to get to the gym today, I did a yoga podcast for 45 minutes and did about a half hour of ab work, so that I didn't feel like a complete schlepp.
   But now my cramps are back with a vengeance, and I'm super irritable...so I do apologize at the less than cheery tone of this post. Just wanted to give an update-I liek being able to share both when I'm doing great and when I'm doing...well, not so great. Right now I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the prize. And of course,since I pretty much slept all day, I'm WIDE AWAKE NOW! I'm supposed to leave tomorrow to drive back to my apartment for about 14 days to give myself a break while I still have another place to go to...but I can't do that until I unpack everything from my car, which makes me think there is a possibility it will have to get pushed back until Monday since I didn't accomplish that task today.
   Oh lordy lordy lordy. Well, you win some you lose some I guess. I think I'm going to try and take advantage of this newfound energy spurt while it lasts and fold some clothes before hitting the sack again. At least there's always tomorrow...or in this case, the rest of today. Anyone out there have any home remedies or tricks for relieving the awful suckiness of periods? Love hearing new suggestions.

LM

Back in the USA!

Hey everyone!
   The giant gap in posting has to do with my roomie's emergency surgery being RIGHT before I had to leave for Antigua, so between spending all my time at the hospital, packing, driving all the way down to Miami for the flight, and leaving...I didn't have a spare minute to think, let alone post. Then, once I was in Antigua...of course my cell phone didn't work without charging me $19.95 per MB transferred, and I didn't bring my laptop because I was afraid of something happening to it. SOOOOOO, ya. BUT, I'm finally home!!
   I got back in the country last night, and got a good night's sleep...and now I am ready to majorly fill you guys in! As far as my roommate, thanks so much for your concern. It actually was/is pretty serious, but she's going to be OK. She has something called Ulcerative Colitis, which is basically an inflammatory disease of the large intestine. It's extremely painful, and she ended up having to have part of her intestine removed. She's doing a lot better now, and luckily they didn't have to do one of the more extreme surgeries where the entire colon is removed and them you have to have a colostomy bag...which is kinda of gross. They only had to remove a small part, so she is recovering well now. I'm really happy that she's doing better, but she is still in some pain and won't be able to work for another few weeks. Her room is also upstairs, and since the srugery she can't go up and down stairs very easily, which means she has been living on the couch in the living room. Obviously, she's sick and needs to be there...but I can't imagine another 3 weeks of not being able to use the living room or TV there, so I'll probably try and not be home as much as possible so that I don't feel locked in my room.
   And, for the more relevant (to this blog) news...I have good and bad regarding my weight, the wedding, and the dress. The bad news, is that with all of the time I ended up spending at the hospital and the tight travel schedule, I ended up not being able to get in very much exercise in those last days before I left. So, I never reached my 99lb goal. Ugh, that hurts just typing it. HOWEVER, that is the only bad news, and despite not getting under 100lb before leaving, I also didn't gain ANY WEIGHT. Which, to me, is a small victory in and of itself, considering the lack of exercise and some of the awful hospital food I ate. When I left for Antigua, I was still exactly 105lbs...however, because of everything, I didn't have the time to take pictures. I did take pictures at the wedding though...IN MY SIZE ZERO DRESS!!!! Ya, that's basically the best news....that even with not getting down to 99lbs, that Nanette Lepore dress I ordered somehow, magically, miraculously, managed to zip up and fit for the wedding!!! I don't know how it happened, but I'm not going to question it. I'll just accept the gift!!
   The wedding was absolutely gorgeous, the resort was fabulous, and it was so amazing to see so many of my friends again in one place when I hadn't seen a lot of them in over a year. What I was worried about, of course, was eating at the resort-it was an all-inclusive deal, so all your meals and drinks were free. Well, not "free"-you pay for it in the price of the resort, but you don't have to think about it while you're there, which is really awesome. However, I was concerned with there just unlimited amounts of free food everywhere, that would lead me to binge and purge constantly. Well, I was there for four days, and ate 3 meals a day every day, and then drank alcohol at night...and only purged one time the entire time I was there. Here is the strangest part: I felt AMAZING! Like, I felt great in all my outfits, everything fit me, I felt good in all of my bathing suits...I have really never experienced anything like it before. I felt healthy, and balanced, and like even though I was eating 3 meals a day, it was ok. I didn't feel like I was gaining weight, I was having regular BMs (the more PC way to say bowel movements, lol), and I just felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.
   I've been trying to figure out what it was about the trip that made me feel so good. I think it was a combination of things. First, it wasn't like a normal hotel-style resort. It was 30 individual cottages, each held two people, and they were staggered into the natural mountain side. I happened to be in the cottage that was the furthest up the mountain, so going back and forth from the beach, the pool, the dining area and my cottage was actually quite a hike, and it was uphill. I made the trip back and forth at least 10 times a day, so I think that part of why I didn't feel like I was gaining weight was all of the exercise I was getting that was built into the trip. Then, I pretty much spent all of my time swimming, either in the ocean orin the pool. Swimming burns a TON of calories, so I think that helped, too. Finally, the way the meals were set up, was that breakfast and lunch was buffet-style, and dinner was sit down-style with a menu.
   The buffets had very few vegetarian options, so for breakfast every day I really didn't have anything too different from what I was having at home. The only thing I could eat was the eggs and the fruit, really...everything else was come form of meat. And the eggs weren't pre-made, there was an actual station where they cooked everything to order for you, so you could request only the whites. So, every day for breakfast all I had was egg whites with chopped mushrooms, some strawberries and watermelon, and black coffee. Very little calories in all, and yet it was quite filling and all I usually wanted/needed after the previous night of wine-drinking, lol. Lunch was the same, very little vegetarian options. There was always three different kinds of meats, and then salad and some sides. So each day I pretty much ate a giant plate of lettuce with balsamic vinegar, and whatever side didn't have meat mixed in. One day there was this delicious looking chick pea and artichoke heart salad that look amazing that I wanted to try so badly, but they had to go and mix in bacon, so I couldn't have it. The worst thing I had the whole trip was some pasta one day, but I had only a half cup and didn't put any cheese or sauce on it, just topped my salad with it and ate it with vinegar. Dinner had three menue options that changed each night, but it was always 1 meat dish, 1 fish dish, and 1 vegetarian dish...so that was pretty much picked out for me! One night it was a grilled porobello mushroom with no bun (it was like they KNEW!), one night it was roasted vegetables in a lemon-butter sauces, and another night it was a Carribean-style rice and beans sort of casserole. Really, the meals couldn't have been more perfect for my situation. I was able to sit down and eat three times a day with everyone, so that no-one was wondering why I wasn't eating or anything, and still in reality stick pretty well to a very low calorie, low carb intake.
   The wedding was absolutely beautiful, and my friend looked so gorgeous. I took about a kajillion pictures, and I'll post soem of them just so you can see how pretty it was. The worst part of the whole trip was just a little bit of sadness I felt that she had moved on to another stage in her life, had found love, etc...and that I am nowhere close. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but of course I never expressed that. But I really don't think it's that abnormal for single people to have those feelings at weddings. It didn't help that literally all of the other guests aside from me and my friend Roberto were couples-and they were all taking those lovely beach-couple pictures. You know the poses-kissing in the sunset, holding hands in the sand, etc. Which just left me and Roberto taking pictures of trees and leaves and shit, haha. Anyway, I think that if that was the worst part, then it was pretty great overall. I'm so happy I went, and you know what the best part is? I left at 105lb, and came back at 104lb! So even with the meal schedule, I actually LOST a pound while I was there, which like I said, I think has something to do with how effing far up a mountainside my cabin was, and all of the swimming.
   I'm still at my parents' place at the moment, won't be returning home until Sunday morning. I figured with my roommate living on the couch, I may as well stay away as long as possible, plus, this weekend is Father's Day! But, my dad is actually flying to Washington, D.C. on Saturday to spend it with my sister and her kids, since they haven't seen him since his surgery. Which, by the way, he has been recovering AMAZINGLY! Even faster than the doctors predicted, and he returned to work last week! I'm just so happy that he is doing wo well after such a traumatic surgery, that I wanted to really do something special for him this father's day. So even though he is leaving Saturday, I'm going to take him out Friday night. The only catch is, since his heart surgery, he has a pretty restricted diet, so I can't just take him to his favorite place and let him have his favorite meal like I wish I could-so instead I'm going to cook a really healthy meal for him at home, and then take him out to South Beach, Miami for a live flamenco show, which he has always wanted to see. Also, he has these storage sheds outside in the backyard that have been through three hurricanes now, and are completely falling apart. But, since he has been recovering from quadruple-bypass surgery, it hasn't exactly been a priority. So I also ordered two new storage sheds from Lowe's, which I'm picking up tomorrow morning. I'll then spend the day while he's at work assembling them and transferring all the stuff over from the other ones, and then throwing the old ones out. I know he's going to love it!
   Since this post is so long, I'll end it here and do another post for the pictures. An all-picture post! I took ones this morning of the scale, front, side, collar bone...and then I have some wedding pictures, and specifically one of me in THE DRESS!! I'll post them in the next hour! I have to re-do my weight goals and dates, too, but I probably wont get to mapping that out until later tonight or tomorrow morning. Until then-thanks for reading, and stay strong!

LM

Being Home is No Holiday!

Hey there, everyone!
   I got to my parents' place today, and finally got up the nerve to get on a scale for the first time since my birthday, which was Tuesday. As you know, the night before I had managed to get down just under 105lbs after a whole weekend of fasting and exercising. That felt SO good!
   The morning of my birthday, I let myself have a breakfast of 1/4cup egg whites (25cal) and 1 Fiber One yogurt (50cal). Even though it was a breakfast of only 75cal, it was incredibly difficult for me to make myself eat anything after the 3 days of fasting. But, I knew that my friends were taking me out to a great restaurant for dinner that night, and that I wanted to try and enjoy that birthday dinner as much as possible-which meant not making my first bite of dinner my first bite in nearly 4 days. I wanted to gradually build up to it so it wouldn't be impossible to do. Later for lunch I had 1 Wasa Crsipbread (45cal) with 1 Laughing Cow French Onion Light Spreadable Cheese Wedge (35cal) and some Spicy Olive topping (15cal), meaning I managed to keep my breakfast and lunch a little under 200cal. After lunch I worked out for about 1 1/2 hours, did about 45 minutes (400cal) on the treadmill, then did 2 miles on the stationary bike (which actually burns way less calories than you would think...the machine only said like 22cal when I was done!) and some free weights for my arms.
   I was feeling pretty confident that I'd done enough to allow myself to indulge for my birthday dinner. And indulge I did. I had an appetizer of Mushroom Crostinis, which were little pita triangles covered in gorgonzola cheese, olive oil, sauteed onions and Portobello mushrooms...they were TO DIE FOR! But, the plate came with four of them, and I only ate two and gave the rest away. THEN I had a Caprese salad, which was four giant, thick slices of tomatoes topped with equally giant, think slices of mozzerella, with basil and balsamic vinegar. ALSO ridiculously good, and again, I had two of the four and gave the rest away. Here comes the worst of it: Entree and Dessert. Oh yes...it was bad. For dinner I chose the Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce (which was EXACTLY as mind-blowingly amazing as it sounds) and for dessert I had the chocolate layer cake. With the tortellini, I asked for a to-go box and put half of it away before I started eating, so that I wouldn't eat more than half. With the cake, I only had two bites and then passed it around the table for everyone to try...between the 7 of us, it wasn't hard to get everyone else to eat it. Still, though...compared to the 3 1/2 days before that meal, which was nothing + 170cal-that meal was BEYOND sinful. It was so awesome though, that I just kept telling myself "It's your BIRTHDAY! You're allowed to have this one great meal with your friends!" and "You can work it off the rest of the week!"
   What I hadn't really thought of or accounted for, however, when I made my weight-loss goals and schedule, was that literally the VERY NEXT MORNING after my birthday, I was leaving to visit my friend until today...and that RIGHT from her place, I was coming to see my parents until Tuesday. The reason this is such a problem, is that as most of you know, it is infinitely more difficult to stick as rigidly to your diet and exercise routines in front of other people, especially if those other people know about your ED and are hypersensitive to everything to do with food and exercise. I wasn't too bad while I was at my friend's...the worst thing I ate was some vegetable fried rice, and I only had about 1/2 cup. But the problem was, even though I wasn't going crazy and eating like a madwoman-I wasn't getting in my normal amount of exercise. The 45 minutes of floor exercise and ab work I was able to squeeze in before she woke up in the mornings was really nothing compared to what I was doing before I left. I wanted to weigh myself SO BADLY so that I could get my bearings and try and evaluate how many lbs my birthday dinner had cost me and how far I had to go till my next Monday weigh in...but she doesn't own a freaking scale! UGH
   Like I said in the beginning of this post, I finally did get to a scale today...and it was so depressing that I think it was borderline traumatic. 109lbs. You know that moment when you step on a scale, and you KNOW you've gained weight, but you're hoping it's only a little bit, or within a certain range? Like, I was silently praying and wishing to myself in my head "Please don't be over 107, please don't be over 107..." over and over again. When that 109 popped up, I almost fainted I was so heartbroken. I went into my room and just sat on the bed rocking back and forth, crying, on the verge of hyperventilating. My initial thought after I calmed down a bit, was that last weekend I went from 110.6 to 104.2 in only 3 days, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could go from 109 to 103 by Monday night.
   The problem is, last weekend I was at my own apartment, with my own privacy and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I was able to eat nothing, exercise to my heart's content...and even do hot yoga (for which there is NOT a studio where my parents live!). Now I'm home, and although my parents don't exactly watch me 24/7, and we don't really sit down for meals together unless we're dining out...it is still extremely hard for me to hide eating nothing from them. Eventually, I get asked "When was the last time you ate?" or "What did you have for ________ ?" PLUS, in addition to fasting being so impossible when I'm home, I don't have access to the same exercise equipment and studios that I do where I live. I already said there's no Hot Yoga studio here, but at my apartment I have a 24 hour gym, and here...well, I don't. Which means anything I want to do for exercise I'll have to either do behind closed doors in my room, or try to escape for long enough to actually run a few miles or go to a park.
   The only thing I ate today was dinner at this little Italian place my parents love-which was good, but super fattening and calorie packed...which is why I purged it as soon as we got home. I was a little nervous they would catch on, but luckily my dad was tired and went to bed and my mom went to run some errands, so I was able to just purge undeterred for like 20 minutes in the bathroom. I've been drinking a ton of tea and water, and took double the amount of fiber supplements, trying to force my body to eliminate some of the water weight and cleanse out what I can. Going to go for a run in the morning before my parents wake up-Sunday is the only day that both of them have off, so they always sleep in-which will let me be gone for a solid 2 hours or so before they get up.
   Basically, I'm going to try my best to do everything I can to get my weight as low as possible by Monday night-but I'm not overly optimistic that I'm going to be able to reach my 103 goal. Right now I kind of just hope I can get it down to at least 105 or so, so that when I get back to MY LIFE on Tuesday, I can spend the whole week instead of just a weekend doing whatever I have to do to reach my next goal.
   Sorry this was so long, but I hadn't been able to sit down and write a reall post in a few days. Thanks so much for reading and your support! Special shout out to Liz for always hitting me up with great comments =) Wish me luck for tomorrow and Monday, I'll post Monday night with my weekly update and pics--no matter how dismal they are. Good night, and stay strong!

LM

WHOA-FREAK OUT MODE!

   This isn't going to be a particularly motivational post. Basically, was doing really amazing until late Friday night, had kept it between 250-450cals each day and burned between 500-1000 with exercise....was feeling really great. But I really fucked up Friday night. Friday afternoon i weighed myself and I was down to 106.2, which made me really happy because I was on my way to my 105 goal for today. I was even feeling so well that I went shopping for my dress to wear at my friend's wedding in Antigua-something I usually hate doing, because I can't stand trying on clothes in the mirror and being reminded of my size. I spent a solid 3 hours shopping, trying on dresses in 5 different stores, and was so happy that I was consistently a Sz. 2 everywhere...which just made me want to hold out and not buy anything until I reach a Sz. 0.

   Well, I was feeling a little too good, I guess, and decided I deserved a relaxing afternoon off with one of my friends that I hadn't hung out with in a while. Problem is, this particular friend and I NEVER hang out without getting HIGH AS A KITE. And I had been dutifully abstaining from drugs and alcohol, since I know they just facilitate binges. Long story short: by 12:30AM, I had eaten half a box of Wheat-Thins, half of a small cheese platter, and an ENTIRE MEDIUM PIZZA with pineapple and banana peppers!!!! It was SO DISGUSTING! And the whole time, I kept thinking "No big deal, I'll just purge when I get home." But then I kept getting HIGH and NOT LEAVING! Ugh. I haven't been that angry at myself in a really long time. It was SUCH a lapse in judgement on my part...I KNOW that I have incredible self control and motivation when I am SOBER...and very little when I am not. Epic fail. 

   So, I ended up sleeping over because I never got sober enough to drive home, and when I finally did come home Saturday morning, I weighed myself. 110.6. One night of getting high and eating whatever I wanted, and I went from 106.2 to 110.6 in less than 24 hours. ONE NIGHT erased about two weeks worth of hard work and discipline. I went into total FREAK OUT mode-and haven't had a single bite to eat since that Pizza late Friday night. I went out and bought some new diet pills, because I had run out of mine. I've been on an exercise rampage, while having nothing but water and fiber supplements. 

   It's hasn't been easy, but between the no eating and 2-3 hours of exercise all day Saturday and Sunday, and so far 30 minutes early this morning...I think I've finally counter-acted Friday night's binge. Last I weighed myself was late last night (Sunday) and I was down to 105.6. I'm hoping that by the time I take my weekly pictures and do my Monday weigh-in later today, that 0.6lbs will be gone. I refuse to eat a single morsel of food until I am 105lb or less. I almost broke last night and I went as far as putting a handful of raisins in my mouth...and I chewed them for about 15 seconds before spitting them out. I hate living like this, I was really trying to avoid reverting to this kind of extreme behavior...but I can't help it I guess. 

   I'm doing a 10:15 cycling class in an hour, and I've already done 30 minutes of Yoga when I woke up. I also went out and bought three exercise and fitness magazines/guides, and yesterday I did about an hour of moves from one of them for core work and muscle strengthening. I think I'll do another set of them later after the cycling class. Whatever it takes to burn as many calories as possible. Every hour I'm drinking about a half a cup of either water or green tea. 

   I have a therapy appointment later today, I don't think I'm going to be totally honest about what I'm doing right now. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm afraid if I'm honest my therapist will want to hospitalize me, and I really don't want to be in the hospital for my birthday. Right now, I'm thinking that if I get down to 105 or less by tonight, I'll allow myself to slowly start eating again tomorrow, so that I enjoy my birthday as much as possible. I just wanted to update, will post my weekly pics later...hopefully featuring some good numbers!!

LM

MIA

Hey guys~
   Sorry for being a little MIA the past two days. They have been going REALLY well, though! On Tuesday I went for a walk in the park with my friend, who is also trying to eat healthy, exercises, and lose weight. It's great because we can pretty much call one another anytime (that we know the other isn't working) and have a buddy to do WHATEVER!
   Well, we walked for a little over an hour and whenever I walk in the park I always bring my free weights to amp it up a notch, so I did 5lb arm exercises the whole time we walked. When I got back I tried something new for breakfast: A SMOOTHIE! But one I made myself, so I knew it wasn't packed with shit I didn't need. I put 1/2 cup raspberries (25cal), 1/2 cup strawberries (26.5cal), I Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal), 1 tblsp pineapple juice (8.5cal), 1/2 scoop of Vanilla Whey Protein (70cal), and about 4 ice cubes. It was DELICIOUS and incredibly filling and satisfying, all for 180cal. And really, it was a little too much for me to finish, so I didn't even drink it all-I put about 1/3 of it back in the fridge and had it later for lunch with 1 Wasa Crispbread (45cal), and 1 Red. Fat String Cheese (50cal).
   Then I had to have my friend drive me to the DMV to clear up and issue with my license, and that was probably the worst part of the day! The DMV definitely lived up to their reputation of being awful, slow, inefficient, and incompetent! I made an APPOINTMENT for 4:15, was there at 4:00, and there was a line of about 25 other people WITHOUT APPOINTMENTS in front of me. So when I asked if there was another line for people with appointments, like there SHOULD BE-I was told that there wasn't and that I just had to wait with everyone else...so why did they even take my appointment in the first place if it didn't matter??
   Also, when I called to make my apparently FAKE appointment, I asked the person what documents I needed to have with me, and I was told exactly what I needed: Insurance card, vehicle registration, current license, social security card, and proof that I did an online driver improvement course (Had the certificate and the receipt). Awesome-got it all. Well after waiting for a half hour in line, I get there and present all of my info and the guy tells me I NEED MY PASSPORT! WTF! Not only did the person I spoke to when I first called NEVER MENTION A PASSPORT, but WHY do I need a PASSPORT for this SIMPLE matter! Jesus christ! Ya, so I had to leave without getting anything fixed and I'm going back tomorrow (Fri) morning. Sorry for all the caps-lock yelling, definitely needed to vent that one out!
   Anyway, that was an epic FAIL, but afterwards to de-stress my friend and I stopped and got a manicure-which I was in desperate need of. I got this really cute NEON pink color which makes me feel fun and summery. The only real bump, diet-wise, was that after the manicure we were both really hungry (it was about 6:30 by now, hadn't eaten since noonish) and decided to stop at this strip mall that has a Pita Pit and a Mochi right next to each other! For anyone who doesn't know those chains, Pita Pit is this awesome fast-food alternative that you pick what you want (vegetables, sauces, meat-whatever) and they grill it in front of you and put it in a Pita. So, it's pretty healthy compared to a lot of shit. BUT I still don't like adding the extra carbs of a Pita, so you can turn any of their Pitas into a salad. I basically just got a bowl with lettuce and every vegetable they had (except Sprouts-gross lol). Just used vinegar for dressing, so I know there was close to nothing in it, but it was really filling.
   The salad isn't the issue-fucking MOCHI is the issue! Again, for anyone who doesn't know of it, Mochi is this fat-free frozen yogurt chain that is supposedly really healthy and has fresh fruit toppings, etc. They claim that there is only 25-30cal per oz, and it is self-serve, so you can fill it however many ounces you want. Here's the thing: they only publish the nutritional information for their ORIGINAL flavor, but they have like 20 ridiculous flavors like "Red Velvet," "Cookies and Cream," "Coconilla," "Almond," "Chocolate..." you get the idea, the list goes on and on! So I don't understand why they don't have the information for ALL of the flavors, and when I asked, they told me "they are all the same." I find that VERY DIFFICULT to believe. So, I always get nervous when I go there, because even though its delicious, I hate not knowing what I'm eating. To me, if you don't publish the information, it could be ANYTHING! Red Velvet could have 25 calories per oz OR it could have 1000 calories per oz! But, ya, so we had Mochi and I got half Red Velvet and half Coconilla with fresh strawberries on top-it was really great. But when I got home, even though I knew that I probably hadn't had that much...the mystery of the Mochi really got in my head, and I ended up purging just in case.
   The rest of the night was fine, no binges, and I worked out more: did the treadmill for around 30 minutes, my little Shake Weight video, and a 30 minute Yoga podcast. Then at night my friend and I went in the hot tub to unwind a bit and soothe our muscles (shes been working out a lot, too).
   Yesterday was really great, diet and exercise-wise...but I did have a really intense therapy session that was a little rough. I'll spare you the minute-by-minute, meal-by-meal for the sake of length and time-but for the whole day I stayed under 400cal, and I did my park workout (jump rope and abs) for 45 minutes plus Shake Weight and a little swimming. The session, though, was really crazy. I'm also not going to go entirely into it, because it's really personal, but basically I'm with a therapist right now that I REALLY love, and it is the first time I've ever been this open, honest, and comfortable with my therapist before.
   However, after finally reaching this level with him, I am moving in a little over two months, and will lose him. This comes right at a time when we JUST started bridging some incredibly intense topics, that I wasn't ready to talk about before-the kind of stuff that it takes a year or two to even come out in therapy. I really felt like we were on the verge of a major breakthrough with some of my trauma issues-and now I'm leaving and will have to start all over again with someone else...that is, if I even continue therapy once I move. Part of me is just so frustrated at the thought of having to start all over with someone, that it actually angers me to the point of a physiological reaction. Just the idea of losing all the time I've spent with my current doctor and even having to go through the process of looking for someone else, and then having that awkward first session, and taking another year or more to build up trust and a relationship....wow, my blood pressure is rising just typing it. I was near a full-blown panic attack in the office yesterday.
   Anyway, this post is way longer than I meant it to be already. I just had some breakfast (meal total=80cal), wanted to take some time to write and plan out the rest of my day before getting started. Have a lot of work to do today, not sure if I'll be able to post again tonight-but I'll try. I'm meeting with someone tonight around 5:45 to finish up a project we've been doing the past 5 months or so, and it should be very *interesting* based on the last "meeting" we had...if you catch my drift, lol. Until next time ~ Keep up all the great work, everyone! And stay strong!

LM

Can't Win Em All, I guess...

   Well, after my great day on Friday, I've been a little nervous about posting anything less than perfect. That's the only trouble with those "great days," as awesome as they are, anything short of them sort of pales in comparison! I've definitely not had as fantastic days as Friday-but at the same time I think I could have done a lot worse, too.
   As I mentioned in the last part of Friday's post, I did have a date that night. We met up for drinks at a local bar, and since I knew I'd be doing that, I didn't eat any dinner. Instead I saved whatever calories I would have used on dinner for my signature cocktail: Vodka and Club Soda with EXTRA Lime! It has between 75-100 calories, depending on the proof of the Vodka and how generous the shot is. I ended up having about 2 more than I should have, making my total between 225 and 300cals, but before that my total for the whole day had still been just under 200. Even though I would have liked to have exercised the will power to just have one drink and call it a night-that was apparently not in the cards lol.
   Also not in the cards? Keeping my self-respect. OH yes-I definitely went home with my date despite a complete lack of attraction or interest, just because I felt OBLIGATED. Pretty fucked up what we do to ourselves sometimes, huh? Like, why on Earth did I feel obligated to go home with someone I just met, and wasn't attracted to, and didn't really ever want to see again? Because I'm nuts, that's why. There just came a point in the night where I was like..."If I was going to go home, I should have by now...guess I'm going home with this winner right here..." Anyway, I woke up in their bed SICK AS A DOG! I had kind of started to feel the beginnings of a cold earlier in the day, but had taken some Vitamin-C with Rose Hips to try and stave it off...didn't quite work, although, I'm sure the alcohol and um...*other* activities didn't help very much. Talk about Karma, though!
   So, I left at around 10:30am and went straight to the store to buy some groceries and Cold/Flu medicine. I needed to re-up on some fruits and broccoli, and of course I splurged on a bunch of other stuff that I thought I just HAD to have! Like SmartBacon Veggie Protein Strips...they are really good and only 20cal per strip, and it's all protein! But they, like most specialty vegetarian items, were not cheap. I also got some veggie chicken nuggets, which only have 140cal in 4 nuggets. Some WASA crispbread as a bread substitute, it is multigrain and only 40cal per slice. Then a bunch of throat lozenges, and Alka-Seltzer Cold, and 10 fucking bottles of SoBe "Life Water" (just because each bottle has 100% of your daily Vitamin C value, and I'm sick so I thought that sounded like a great idea, lol) Ya, I went a little over board.
   I had been planning on doing a 5-mile hike with my friend, but I was feeling pretty awful and not sure if that was going to happen. After taking some medicine and eating a small breakfast (Egg whites, 60cal, Wasa bread, 40cal), it was really clear that I wasn't going to be able to handle a 5 mile hike. I was sneezing and coughing and blowing my nose every 5 minutes, which I didn't think would be very appreciated by my friend. So I told her I had to pass, but that hopefully I'd be fine by next Saturday.
   Rest of yesterday was pretty uneventful, all I did was sleep and take medicine every 4 hours. I didn't get any exercise in like I had planned, but I was also really good and didn't eat too much. My total for the day after lunch (Luna bar, 180cal) and a bunch of random snacks (Babybel, 50cal, 4 Veggie Nuggets,140cal, 2tblsp Ranch, 30cal) was right around 500, so I didn't feel too terrible. I did go over to my other friend's house for gamenight, where I did give in and have a lemon cookie, but I only had one and they were really small, about the size of a silver dollar-so I doubt they could have been more than 50-60 each, which still leaves me under 600 for the day.
   Today, though, has been kind of rough. I had planned to go to Hot Yoga at 10am, and despite still being sick and feeling like shit, I told myself that I HAD TO GO! So, I forced myself to get up, get dressed, and go to the Hot Yoga studio. Now, for those of you who don't know, Hot Yoga is basically 100 minutes of high-intensity Yoga in 100 degree heat. It is supposed to be really great for your joints, loosen you up, and boasts the ability to burn between 500 and 900 calories in a single session. I've done it before, but never sick...and WOW, was it ridiculously difficult. Towards the end I didn't know if I was going to last for the full 100 minutes, I was having trouble breathing and afraid of passing out. So the last couple of positions I sort of half-assed, there was no way some of them were going to happen without me collapsing!
   When I left, I felt like i had been hit by a train. And yet, the crazy part is that I was still glad I went. I thought, "Well, you may feel worse than ever-but just think of all the calories you burned!" Ha. Well, I still hadn't eaten breakfast, so when I got home I made some egg whites and Veggie Bacon (100cal together). I over cooked the bacon a little, though, and in order to make it taste better I put some salsa on it, which may have added between 10-20 cal. I've been drinking nothing but Alka-Seltzer medicine water and Life Water, but have been getting cravings all day for BAD FOOD! I kept fighting it off by having a 1/4 piece of matzo, (around 30cal), and then a string cheese (50cal), but nothing really seemed to help.
   See, the problem is that my roommate, whom I really do love, also has an affinity for TERRIBLE FOOD! So, I can buy nothing but fruit and veggies, but then still have to stare at her Triple Chocolate Ice Cream, and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and Chocolate Fudge, and Nutella in the fridge/freezer/cabinets! It's so difficult sometimes! Well, at around 5, I gave in to a "Mini-Binge": about 5 break off squares of chocolate chip cookie dough with about a cup of triple chocolate ice cream! OMFG, it was SOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!!!!! It was like heaven in my mouth (That's What She Said!). But, of course, once I realized what I had done and how many calories I had just consumed and how I ruined whatever benefits from Hot Yoga I would have gotten, I promptly went to the bathroom and purged everything. Luckily, ice cream is one of the easiest foods to purge and one of my favorite binge foods for that reason. Still, it took me about 20 minutes to get everything out, and with being sick, I felt extremely light-headed and dizzy when I was done. That was about 3 hours ago now, and all I've ingested since then is 4oz of water with my medicine.
   I'm not really looking forward to weighing myself and taking pictures tomorrow, as I'm worried I haven't lost much weight in spite of how hard I've been working. Not to be TMI, but I've also haven't been able to go to the bathroom in nearly 3 days now-so even though I've been burning more calories than I've been eating, I feel all backed up and bloated. My period finally ended, thank god, but I'm thinking I might have to take some laxatives or something tonight before getting on that scale tomorrow!
   Well, I'm falling asleep typing this-I think its all the cold medicine. Until tomorrow!

LM

Tips and Tricks

   I've actually been really hesitant about writing this post. As a person living with an eating disorder, I know that I always appreciate learning new tips and tricks here and there that I may not have thought of, however, I worry that it is a very fine line between sharing ideas with others that already have an ED and possibly encouraging or helping those without one to develop one.

   So, I'll just reiterate some of the things I said in my first post. This blog is not PRO Ana or PRO Mia in the sense that I am not trying to glamorize eating disorders or encourage others to develop one. This is not intended for insecure teenagers obsessed with Mary Kate Olsen who want to "lose weight." An ED is NOT a diet. With that being said, I still think that for those of us NOT in recovery, we should be able to talk to each other and share our experiences without worrying about being judged for our actions and attitudes.

   OK, I feel a little better about posting these after typing that. Especially because, lets face it, for those of us who have been living with ED...most of this information will not be new. But I always like reading other people's "Tips and Tricks" because every now and then there is something I hadn't thought of. I'll read a list of 25 tips, and I may have known about 24 of them...but learning just that one new one is really cool sometimes.

Drumroll, please...

~Tips and Tricks~

*Always carry sugar free mints and gum to help with hunger pangs and cover bad breath from purging or ketosis

*Cut all your food into as small pieces as you possibly can. Everything, even lettuce. The cutting will keep you focused and aware of how much you put in your mouth, and it will make whatever you are eating last MUCH longer.

*Never pour dressing on salad unless it is zero calorie, just have it on the side and dip your fork into it before grabbing the lettuce, you get the taste without all the extra cals.

*Always try to eat something for breakfast to start up and boost your metabolism, just don't go overboard. I like to keep it between 100-150 cals.

*Drink lots of water and green tea, it helps flush your system and boosts metabolism so you can burn more calories throughout the day.

*Try to drink everything ICE COLD, your system has to work harder to burn the calories

*When you are bingeing, try to start with something healthy and very recognizable, that way if it gets absorbed its not the worst food you ate and you'll know when you got everything up. I'm a big fan of carrots.

*Drink a TON of liquids when bingeing, everything will come up SO much easier and faster. Just don't drink a ton of high-calorie liquid...even though you're purging you don't need the extra cals to get absorbed in the meantime. Stick with water and zero-calorie/5 cal stuff like those powdered Crystal Light or flavored water.

*I never use my fingers to purge, it can create tell-tale marks. I always use the end of a toothbrush or the round end of a piece of silver wear.

*It helps to switch up the kind of method for purging, so that you don't get too used to any one way and stop reacting to it. For example, one way that always gets the food to start coming up for me is to try to breath in WHILE touching my gag reflex, its almost instantaneous. But I tried only ever doing that for about a week once, and soon it didn't work anymore. Another thing that always works for me is sticking whatever I'm using AS FAR BACK AS IT WILL GO, and then lightly pulling it up and forward at the same time, so that it brushes over, almost tickles, the back of my throat and gag reflex. One other method that usually works for me is very rapidly jabbing the instrument down my throat, but along my tongue so that you are not stabbing your throat in a "straight back" way but very quickly going almost up and down along your tongue and down your throat. Alternating these three has worked best for me,

*Once I'm done bingeing, I'll do my first purge. I like to think of that as my first, practice round. Once I get everything that is going to come up out, I go back and drink some more. My favorite thing to drink is half crystal light, half club soda. Then I jump up and down for about a minute, and then I do sort of a head stand for another minute, but I lean against a chair or the wall. This kind of shakes everything up and the carbonation from the club soda helps SO MUCH! Then I go for my second round, and like magic a ton more always comes up than I even thought was left. When nothing will come up anymore, do it one more time.

*As soon as you are finally done purging, drink some green tea. It will sooth your stomach and esophagus and also provide some antioxidants and caffeine, and beccause you are totally empty, it will get absorbed more quickly.

*The worst food to binge on is anything HOT or SPICY...it HURTS LIKE A BITCH coming up! I've read that a lot of other people have problems with peanut butter or starches, but I have personally found that if I use enough liquid I can purge ANYTHING without a problem EXCEPT SPICY FOOD! Even that, I CAN purge...its just so painful that its almost not worth it. I've had one too many bad experiences with that, so much so that now if I eat something spicy....I'm running and swimming that shit off, not purging it.

*If you're into drinking alcohol or smoking pot, DRINK A LOT OF WATER AND EAT SOMETHING BEFOREHAND. Otherwise...you'll be munching like nobody's business, and when you are drunk or high the likelihood of remembering to effectively purge everything before passing out is slim to none. So if you drink a lot of water and eat something before, you'll be less hungry and less likely to give into temptation when you have less control and judgement.

*When I'm really hungry and on the verge of bingeing, sometimes I'll give myself activities to do and say "you can eat when you finish this." Then, when you finish it, do the same thing again with something else. Keep going as long as you can, and usually the desire will subside AND you get a sense of satisfaction from the self control you exercised.

*Don't take escalators or elevators, always take the stairs, no matter how heavy your bag is or how much you're carrying or how high your heels are. Every bit helps, and it all helps with your overall feeling of accomplishment.

*I've read a lot of tips along the lines of buying clothes too tight or wearing a tight belt to make you more aware of your size, what size you want to be, and how much you've eaten. But for me, I hate walking around looking and feeling like I'm bulging everywhere. It may work for some people, but for me, it actually increases the liklihood that I'll break and binge because it makes me feel insecure and hopeless. INSTEAD, what I do is wear something really loose, flowy, or baggy on top (Like a loose dress, big sweatshirt, etc) and then wear something tight underneath, like skin tight leggings or jeans, and that way you get the subtle reminder you need to watch what you eat and be careful, but its just for you and no one else can see it.

*Reward yourself when you reach milestone goal weights. Donate clothes that are too big to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or whatever organization you like. That way they aren't there anymore for you to allow yourself to be that size again, and you can go shopping for something new.

*I've never really been into music or songs that are explicitly about EDs, but I do have a playlist that I go to when I need motivation. Whatever works for you, mine is mostly broadway musical solos, ballads, some Mariah, some Beyonce, some Mary J, some Regina Spektor....that sort of thing. Whatever floats your boat, but it really does help get you to the next level when you need to be on your own planet.

*This is going to sound like a no-brainer, but don't keep binge foods in the house. That way if you really want them, you have to actually get up, get out of the house, into your car, and go get them. That way you can minimize binges to only when you REALLY REALLY want them instead of just when you are stressed or bored. It seriously took me years to realize what a big difference this made. I used to buy them  and think I had the self control to just NOT eat them...but I don't. Never will.

*Always carry hand sanitizer and perfume...sometimes it's not just your breath that smells like vomit, the smell can stay on your hands and clothes, too.

*If you are out in public and it is really apparent that you have taken too long in the bathroom, come out and go to the nearest girl and act really annoyed that you got your period and you don't have anything with you and ask if she has a pad or tampon, it pretty much immediately erases whatever they THOUGHT you might be doing, as long as you don't smell like vomit.

*Add Miralax to all of your liquids. Its supposed to be about a capful for every 8 ounce glass, so I make 2 litre pitchers and mix accordingly. You can't taste it at all, and then its already in there for the next couple days. Helps with digestion and keeps you from getting bloated and constipated, which is the WORST. Its by far the most gentle, mild and natural laxative out there. In fact, it was the only one that they let me have when I was in treatment. That's how you know its legit, lol.

*If you are really in a pinch, baking soda mixed with water will make you throw up, and epsom salt mixed with water works as a laxative. Both of them you just need like a tablespoon for an 8 oz glass. Both of them also taste like shit.

*If your throat gets really raw or sore from purging, I've found that taking 1/2 cup of light vanilla soy milk (only 40 cal) and blending it with a 1/2 cup ice into almost a slushy consistency is incredibly soothing. 

That's all I've got for now, if I think of anything else I'll be sure to post it!

LM

Back in Town

   I'm finally home after an exhausting week in Wisconsin. I would pretty much kill to have those 6 days back, as now I have more work to do than ever and less time! The whole time I was out of town I kept telling myself that it was going to be OK, and that I would finish everything when I got back...HA! What a joke. I now have so much just piled up from being put off that I don't know how I'm going to finish it all by this weekend. And to make things worse, my parents are visiting this Sunday, which means I have to MAJORLY clean and pretend that I live like a functioning human being.
   As for food and weight, I was overall pretty happy with how I did for 6 days, although I know I could have had more self control in a couple of instances. I brought my own food with me for travel so that I wouldn't buy/eat airport food, so that helped a lot. I can't say that everyone else's pizza and fries didn't smell outrageously delicious as I ate my celery sticks and carrots, but what can you do.
   While I was actually there, in the hotel and at the event, it was kind of impossible to carry around celery and carrots, as it was a very hectic schedule from 8am to 9pm every night, and I was already carrying so much...I had my gigantic tote that is half my size, so that I could have a change of shoes and clothes, along with my laptop, camera, chargers/cords, planner...it was packed. Then I also had a visual aid case, which is basically a giant tripod/easel thing that the visuals for my presentation rest on. Basically...lots of shit. No room for baggies of food and little cups of dressing, not to mention what a disaster it would have been if any food had spilled on something important.
   Nevertheless, I tried very hard to be good. The organization holding the event gave everyone a card with $35 on it to use for lunch everyday, and there were some TERRIBLE options! Typical food-court crap: greasy pizza, hamburgers, cheese fries, chinese...luckily there was a sub place where I could just get nothing but vegetables and vinegar on a wheat sub. I got that every day, never adding cheese and always taking the top half of the roll off and eating the rest with a fork. I wish I had been strong enough to not get the roll entirely and just have the veggies in a bowl, like what I do at Subway...but I was so exhausted and hungry by lunch time each day that I let myself rationalize half a roll.
   We also had gone to a Target the night we got into town and got some groceries to keep in the fridge at our hotel, so I had bought some soy milk and some granola, which is what I had each morning before leaving. Thank god the hotel didn't have bowls, and I just poured a little bit in one of the water cups, or else I would have definitely eaten too much. For dinners each night we had the option of just going back to the hotel and each figuring it out individually, or going to dinner together at a restaurant. Almost every night we chose to just go back to the hotel, which was great, because then I either didn't eat or just ate the fruit and veggies I had in the fridge. The one night we did go out, I ordered this spinach wrap that was (thankfully) terrible, so I only had about 4 bites out of it. I did, however, have a vodka club soda, which was sort of cheating but DAMN did I need a drink after that day.
   The worst thing I ate the whole trip were some cheese fries that someone offered me. I dipped them in ketchup, which is a condiment I haven't even TASTED in SO LONG! I had forgotten how much I love ketchup...too bad its nothing but sugar. My biggest "trigger" was being out of town on Easter Sunday, which the event organizers felt compelled to compensate for by having candy and chocolate and egg-shaped cookies FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!! I cheated with a few Reese's Pieces and a cookie, but then I went to a bathroom and purged because it dawned on me that I had NO IDEA what was in that cookie, and it had been really thick and covered in green icing...which is NEVER good.
   I'm a pretty good judge of whether I've gained, lost, or maintained my weight...I can always just feel the slightest differences. Coming home I felt relatively confident that I had not gained any weight, but as luck would have it the batteries to my scale died while I was gone. They are those round-disc batteries that I don't just have laying around, so I haven't been able to weigh myself since I got back...which is a little unnerving.
   I'm in the office now, but I'll pick some up on my way home so that I can get an accurate reading tonight. I had been pretty proud of myself for only purging twice while away and managing to (for the most part) keep to a really low-calorie diet each day, trying to never go above 500 cal. Although I didn't get to hit a gym while I was gone, the walking between building and up stairs carrying all that shit ALL DAY LONG in HEELS did a pretty good number on me. With any luck I'll be down to 105 (as per my April 5th goal) and if not, I will hopefully have at least not gained anything.
   Since being back, I haven't really eaten much at all. I've been so stressed with all this catch-up work and pretty close to a panic attack at any given moment, that I haven't really been able to think about food. It was a friend's birthday dinner last night, which I really didn't want to go to but went anyway to be polite...I ordered an entree that came with soup and dessert, all of which were delicious, but that I purged as soon as I got home. Usually I go out of my way to get every possible bit of food out when I purge, taking drinks and doing various jumping exercises in between...but since it was all I'd eaten in two days I was too exhausted after the first purge to go back and do my second and third go-rounds.
   Got to get back to the endless pile of work I have to do, but it felt good to take a little break and process some stuff. Will give weight update after I buy replacement batteries tonight.

LM

Travel Anxiety!

   Well, I'm leaving on a trip to Wisconsin in about...ohhhh 4 hours, and I'll be gone for about six days. I've been incredibly stressed and nervous about this trip for a lot of reasons, but two of the biggest ones (surprise, surprise...) involve weight and food. The trip requires that I wear a suit almost every day, and about a month ago I bought a new suit just for this trip and had it tailored to fit me like a glove and kind of create the illusion of an hourglass shape. I was sick of comments from people about how my suits were too big on me or how I looked like I was playing dress up. Anyway, I'm making this way too long of an explanation. The point is that I was at close to my lowest weight when I had it tailored, about 101 lbs, and since then I've gained weight!! I was so happy to be under 105 again, and then I fucked up and started drinking alcohol again...which led to (in addition to the empty drink calories) a few late night binges that I didn't get to purge because I passed out.  So I'm kind of FREAKING OUT that my suit isn't even going to BUTTON and I'm just going to look like a giant, bulging, disgusting mess.

   On top of that, eating the food I'm comfortable eating is really difficult when I go out of town, and always gives me some anxiety. But usually my trips are between 2-3 days, and I have a pretty down-pat routine: One day, I just let people see me eat some salad or fruit-whichever is provided-around lunch time and then either just order another salad for dinner or a plate of steamed broccoli. I got some strange looks the first time everyone saw me do that, but since I'm a vegetarian its a little easier to explain away. The second day, I avoid everyone at meal times and don't eat anything, and if anyone asks where I was I tell them that I was doing work. THEN, when we all go out to dinner together, I binge and EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT! Appetizers, wine, pasta, dessert-the works! Then when we get back to the hotel I say that I have to make a "personal phone call" and use the bathroom in the lobby to purge, so that the bathroom in our room won't smell. 

   It's not exactly rocket science, but it has kept everyone from knowing about my eating disorder, which I am a fan of. The problem is, that works when you're only gone for 2 or maybe 3 three days...but SIX DAYS?! Shit. I feel like there is no way to pull that for six days without anyone getting suspicious. So I called the hotel and asked if they have fridges in the rooms, which they do, so now I'm thinking I'm going to bring a bunch of my own food to have with me, which I'm thinking that because its Passover I can get away with because no one else knows what the fuck you can and can't eat on Passover. 

   Anyway, I've just been so stressed out about this trip that all I want to do is binge on comfort food, but I know that I can't because I need my suit to fit and I've been working so hard the past week to lose weight before leaving. WELL...my roommate's mother sent her a GIANT CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF CHOCOLATES for Easter!!! And when she opened it, she opened every single bag and had one of each kind, then just LEFT THEM ON THE KITCHEN TABLE and said "have as much as you want!" Well, GD!!! I somehow miraculously managed to keep from eating them the past three days, but tonight I was about to have a panic attack about the trip-not only because of what I just explained, but in addition to those personal issues I also just am not nearly as prepared for this as I should be and have SO MUCH work to do and finish before my presentation is anywhere near the level it should be...UGH just typing it is making my heart race...I should be researching and finishing work not writing this blog...but I just needed a break from looking at that stuff! 

  Well, I wanted to eat every last morsel out of all SIX of her bags of chocolate when I got home tonight. But I kept trying to tell myself that it would throw away all my hard work this week...but I wanted them SO BADLY! What did I do? I took one piece from every bag, unwrapped them, stood over the kitchen sink and chewed them all one by one and spit them out. After each bite I rinsed and gargled to make sure there wasn't any "residue" to absorb through my gums or something before moving on to the next one. The whole process took about 15-20 minutes as each piece had about 3 bites in it.

   But as I was standing over my kitchen sink, spitting chewing and spitting chocolate down the garbage disposal, I had two thoughts. First, that I was so proud of myself for having the self control to not binge on all the candy and what a smart idea it was of me to just chew and spit it, instead. Second, what a fucked up thing to think my first thought was. There I was, chewing delicious chocolate that I wanted to eat so badly, spitting it out and into a drain, rinsing and gargling with water, and then repeating about 18 times...and then thinking that I had SO MUCH SELF-CONTROL!! 

   Ya, like people who are in control do this shit! I realized how completely backwards my relationship with food is: it controls me, I don't control it. I remember being told that in treatment one time, but since I didn't want to be there in the first place and was a little resentful, I pretty much just ignored it. But damn, I could hear that bitch's voice in my ear tonight! Shit...I really have to stop doing this now and get back to work and print stuff out. Just needed a venting break. More like a journaling break, since the only one listening/reading is me lol. Aight-party's over.

LM

What I'm Doing Now

   OK, so over the years I've tried pretty much every diet out there, and every "quick-fix," and a whole shit load of pills that I hoped would be magical. I've also over-exercised, exercised regularly, and not exercised at all while dieting, in addition of course to doing all of the above + bingeing/purging.

   Every time something new comes out or hits the market, I always try it to see if it is any better than what I'm doing at the time, or if I can learn any new tips/tricks from it. In fact, one of my future posts will be a review of products I've tried, which will hopefully be helpful for anyone trying to figure out what to spend their money on. However, with a few exceptions, I almost always end up going back to what I'm doing currently-which is basically my own sort of combination of foods, drinks, pills, and exercise that I've had the most success with as far as losing the most weight the fastest. So here it is:

Food

   Basically, I only eat what they call "negative-calorie" foods (when not bingeing, obvi), with a few calculated exceptions. For a list of these foods and the best article/explanation I've found, click here. Out of the list, my personal preferences are for celery, cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes, broccoli, lettuce, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon, and grapefruit. Although the article does a much better job of explaining the science than I can-the basic idea is that these are foods that burn more calories to digest them than there are calories in them. 

   The exceptions that I have are: egg whites, 2% cheddar cheese singles, Luna bars, caramel-flavored rice snacks, Werther's Sugar Free Hard Candies , and Sicilian-style pitted olives. As I said before, these are calculated exceptions. Here is my reasoning for them: 

(1) Egg whites- a big mistake that a lot of people make when they are trying to lose weight, especially if they are ana/mia, is not eating breakfast. However, you will lost more weight faster if you do eat something for breakfast, as it will jump start your metabolism so that you can burn calories more efficiently during the rest of the day. Now, I could just eat breakfast with some of the negative-calorie fruits, but I have found that getting in some protein in the morning helps me have more stamina for exercise. The greatest thing about egg whites is that they have very little calories but a lot of protein. There are 25 calories in 1/4 cup, so I usually have a half a cup in the mornings, which is 50 cal. 

(2) 2% Kraft Sharp Cheddar Cheese Singles- I really don't use these very often, one pack usually lasts me until they expire. BUT I like always having them around incase the food I'm eating just isn't cutting it for me in terms of flavor or satisfaction. If I'm on the verge of bingeing, sometimes making egg whites or broccoli and melting a piece or two of cheese into them will make me feel as though I've splurged or had a treat, without completely throwing me off track. At 50 cal per piece, its worth it if it keeps me from going out and buying $50 worth of junk food. 

(3) Luna bars- same basic idea as the cheese, except that they are more portable. I don't eat them every day, but always keep one with me incase of a sudden craving for junk food, or incase I unexpectedly find myself having to be in a food court-type area, or someone brings/orders delivery to work or social gathering and the smell is really making me want to eat it. At 180 cal per bar with flavors like "Peanut Butter Cookie," and "Caramel Nut Brownie," not only are they much better than pizza,  chinese, french fries, etc--but Luna bars also have 9g protein and 3g fiber. And if I'm going to have an extra 180 cal, I'd rather they not be "empty," and at least offer valuable nutrients in boosting metabolism. 

(4) Publix Fat Free Caramel Rice Snacks- while the cheese and Luna bars are sort of "emergency" alternatives to possible bingeing, these delicious little mini cakes are part of my every day diet. I've found that when I try to not eat anything sweet at all, I'm much more prone to bingeing. Sometimes fruit can satisfy a sweet tooth-but very rarely for me. I crave that sugary taste that caramel and chocolate give me. After trying tons of other stuff, I've found that these are both the best tasting, most filling, and lowest calorie. There are 60 cal in 7 pieces, and unlike things like crackers, chips, and even cookies (if they are the little ones) where its IMPOSSIBLE to JUST eat 7-the serving size for these is actually pretty perfect! And if I REALLY want more, usually another 3 will do it, rather than a whole other serving. 

(5) Werther's Original Sugar-Free Hard Candies in Caramel Coffee- most ana/mias know how helpful chewing sugar-free gum can be in curbing appetites. Due to a lot of issues with my teeth, however, including enamel erosion and cavities/fillings, I try to avoid gum as anything chewy can be painful sometimes. Instead, I just pop one of these babies when I'm hungry in between meals. There are 40 cal in 5 pieces, meaning there are 8 cal in 1 piece. Not too shabby. 

(6) Sicilian-Style Pitted Olives- there's really no big explanation for these. I pretty much just LOVE them, but they are pretty high in fat/cal. 2 olives = 20 cal, 15 from fat. Everyone needs a "splurge" item, and these are mine. I'm known to eat half a jar at a time when the craving hits me, but I figure they are still better than a pint or two of Phish Food. 

Drinks

   Unless I know I'm going to purge VERY QUICKLY after drinking them, the only non-alcoholic beverages I drink are: water, green tea, black coffee, Crystal Light, and laxative tea. Obviously, the first three have no calories in them as long as you don't alter them with sweetener/cream/milk etc. Crystal Light only has about 5 cal per serving, and is a great alternative to water if when I am craving more flavor. I use Traditional Medicinals brand Organic Smooth Move laxative tea, which has senna in it. It has 2 cal per serving, which in my book may as well be nothing-especially considering what it does for you. 

   I try not to put myself in situations where I'll be expected to drink alcohol, however, when they are unavoidable/inevitable I only order: vodka and club soda (100-200 cal depending on single or double) or MGD 64. I heard Budweiser recently came out with a beer with less than 64 cal, but I haven't tried it yet. MGD 64 doesn't taste like shit, though-and I suspect Bud's might. Sorry for the bias-was never a Budweiser fan lol. 

Pills/Aids

   Like I said earlier, I've tried just about everything out there. But I always end up going back to some combination of the following products: Cellucor D4 Extreme Weight Loss, Diurex Water Pills, 200mg caffeine pills, and saline enemas. 

(1) Cellucor D4 Extreme Weight Loss Pills- These are a little pricey, around $40-70 per bottle, depending on where you get them and whether or not you have a membership card. I get them at GNC for around $50 with my member card. They are actually just one type of pill in a set of four, I think, but this is the only one I buy. The others have different purposes like muscle building and stuff like that-but this is the only one I care about: weight loss. These pills are "fat-incinerating" adrenal agents that, in conjunction with exercise, releases stubborn fat and enhances caloric burn. I love them...enough to spend $50 on them, obviously. Each bottle has 120 pills, but you have to take 4 a day, 2 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon. 

(2) Diurex Water Pills (Original Formula)- These are super cheap and widely available over the counter at every drugstore I've ever been in. They are the mildest most effective diuretic I've ever used, and really do help a ton with bloating/water weight. I think they are like $5-6. 

(3) 200mg Caffeine Pills- I just buy the Walgreens/CVS brand, they are over $1 cheaper than the brand name and are EXACTLY the same. 200mg is 200mg. I use these to help me boost my metabolism, especially when coffee or tea isn't available. I just keep a bottle in my purse. Not to mention, they are great when you just need an extra boost of energy to keep you more focused and alert. 

(4) Fleet Saline Enemas- You have to be careful not to overdo these, as like harsher laxatives, enema abuse can cause some pretty serious problems. I try not to do more than 1 per week, but sometimes I'll feel like I have to use 2. For years I refused to ever try an enema, because the idea of them freaked me out and I thought it would be gross and hurt. However, I finally tried one last year while I was attempting this weird at-home colon cleanse liquid diet, and I was SHOCKED at how easy, comfortable, and quick they were! Ever since then I've integrated them into my regimen. 

Exercise

   Finally, there is exercise. When I first started working out, I only did cardio and I only used machines/did activities that I liked or were easy for me. Since then, though, I have discovered that I am much more willing to do a difficult activity or exercise that I don't particularly like or enjoy when it burns twice or three times as many calories as what I did before! Similarly, the fear that a lot of women have towards using weights (that it will bulk them up/make them heavier) was easily calmed for me once I realized that this will absolutely NOT HAPPEN as long as you use low enough weights. They are great for toning and sculpting target areas, and building muscle allows you to burn more calories. It would be really difficult for me to explain in writing all the exercises I do and how to do them, so below is a list of links. 

ShapeFit- This is a link to a list of cardio exercises that burn the most amount of calories. Swimming, running and jumping rope are the three I do most often, as they burn the most in the shortest time and work my body the hardest.

Fitclick- This is one of the best sites I've ever found! I was so happy when I stumbled across it! It is COMPLETELY FREE to register/sign up and has everything you could ever want in diet and exercise tools. There are food journals, calorie counters, calories burned calculators, recipes...and EVERY workout/exercise plan you can imagine! I only use it for the exercises, because to be honest...calorie counting is second nature for me, so I don't really need a special calculator for it. But the exercise plans are INCREDIBLE and they are thousands and thousands of videos or anything you want. My favorites for weights/toning are: "Pilates: 10 Minute Sculpting", "Stability Ball: Kneeling One-Arm Rows", "Weight Roll-Ups", "Squats: Body Weight," and "Best Way To Exercise: Modified Leg Lifts." Once you register, click "exercises" from the "Workout and Fitness" drop-down menu, then click any random workout video, and then when it comes up there will be a search box in the top right corner where you can type those titles in.

Whew! That was intense to write! It's weird though, because just remembering all that info and typing it out really gave me some much needed drive, and I feel sort of rejuvenated and more determined to reach my goal weight than I did when I started writing this! If anyone else reads this, I hope it is at least a little helpful and motivating for your own weight goals, and possibly even provided some new ideas and resources.

LM

And Here. We. Go.

   Here it is, the first post. The reason I've started this blog up is that, there are so many resources and websites and blogs out there about recovering from your eating disorder--which is great if you've chosen to do that--yet, there are very few outlets for those of us with EDs who AREN'T in recovery. And the websites that are available to us are immediately dubbed "Pro Ana" and "Pro Mia" and demonized for encouraging and promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. However, there is a big difference between PROMOTING EDs and being allowed to talk openly and honestly about how we live. 

   I have great respect for those who have chosen to embark upon the recovery process, and I can't say with 100% certainty that I will NEVER make that decision for myself. What I can say, though, is that I was in an inpatient/residential treatment program for three months-and not only did I relapse within a day of being discharged, but continued to purge in secret throughout my stay there. I sincerely believe that this is because in order to truly recover from ED, you have to truly WANT to-and I do not want to at this point in my life. And I know, both from being in treatment and from all the blogs and websites that I read, that there are so many others like me out there. People who recognize that EDs are dangerous diseases, who would never ENCOURAGE someone to develop one or PROMOTE it as a "glamorous" lifestyle--but who nevertheless are not at a point in their lives where they want to recover. 

   With that being said, it should not come as a surprise that I WOULD NOT recommend reading or following this blog if you are trying to recover, as the entire point of it is to provide a safe place for myself and (hopefully, in the future) others who ARE NOT IN RECOVERY. Therefore, I will not be censoring myself and do not want anyone else to, either. For that reason, material in this blog may be triggering. So please, only follow and read it if you won't be offended by posts relating to diet, exercise, tips, tricks, and other topics that are central to the lives of people choosing to live with ED. Im going to try and make this blog as useful and relevant as possible for us, and encourage ideas and contributions from others, once anyone other than me starts reading this =) That's all for now, new posts to come!

LM