Closing Up Shop-New Home!

Hey guys! I decided to finally make a new blog that is more resourceful, useful, and informative to everyone instead of what had become essentially the live journal of a bulimic. This one is going to be way less venting and talking about myself and more about always providing the same kind of information that I love getting. If you want to check the new blog out, it's:

As ED As Pie, Blog

I've also gone ahead and tried to link everything with Tumblr and Twitter, which I'm sure had been unsuccessfull, lol. But here is the Tumblr to match: 

As ED As Pie, TUMBLR

The Tumbler one is going to be only images. Not all thinspo...obviously some, but lots of other relevant subjects.

And of course, I still tweet my little heart out every day, feel free to follow me:

@FreeFromFood

I decided not to delete this blog, because there are so many pictures and memories on it. So I'm going to leave it up in case anyone in their right mind ever did want to go back to it for some reason...I did have some good tips and tricks in the beginning, lol. 

I sincerely hope that everyone who followed me here will go check the new blog out, and that you all are doing as well as possible with whatever your goals are, whether they be of recovery or weight loss. So looking forward to having a blog again, and for once doing it right so that I don't stress over missing posts or writing these long dissertations of updates in my life. The new blog is going to be much cleaner, and more purposeful. It's not a diary, it's a tool and a resource for YOU GUYS!

<3 LM

Strategery.

Well hey there!
    I spent most of yesterday recovering from my epic birthday night, in alternating states of hydrating and sleeping with a single outdoor excursion to my therapist's office. I'm finally pretty much back to normal and WIDE AWAKE, so I thought I may as well do something productive and pick up the bliz-og. It's gunna take a little bit to get back into writing again, but I'm already happy that it's back in my life.
   My friends took me to a STRIP CLUB for my birthday! Ohmygosh it was epic. I had somehow managed to go my entire life (well, I guess since I turned 18) without ever having been to a strip club, and it never bothered me, to be honest. I thought they were probably sketchy as fuck and since I'm a flaming liberal feminist at heart, I've also thought of them as degrading to women. So I had mixed reactions when that turned out to be my surprise...but guess what? This sister can admit when she's wrong-shit was off the chain. Thought I'd died and went to heaven! Even sprung for a private lap dance, which was also awe-some.
   Of course, the hardest thing about birthdays (for me, anyway) is balancing the desire to have fun and celebrate with staying in the parameters of what is acceptable food and alcohol consumption. Now, what I deem to be acceptable food and alcohol consumption may different from your definition, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that anyone reading this blog's definition is probably different from the average person's. But everyone knows what it's like to overindulge, and most people can empathize with the guilt that can come along with that.
   As I touched on in my last post, I've almost entirely eliminated binging and purging from my life, which is something that I never thought I'd be able to say in a million years. As my therapist constantly reminds me, I am still bulimic, but have shifted from SIV to over-exercising as a form of purging. I know that he's right, but I honestly feel so much healthier and better without all the vomiting. I was always sick, my throat always hurt, I felt like I always smelled like throw up, and I spent a really disproportional amount of my waking hours bent over a toilet. All that and I was still never happy with my weight, I was always hungry or thinking about food or anticipating my next binge.
  I don't really "binge" anymore like I used to, where I'd just eat and eat and eat with the sole intention of purging afterward. I sort of just eat the same thing every day, which is boring. However, boring = predictable, and I like knowing how many calories I'm going to have that day, how many grams of fiber, how many grams of protein, etc. It keeps me sane and not running for the junk food isle at Walgreens at 2am. Of course, sometimes I allow something different for special occasions, like my birthday, in which case I try not to super stress and just eat whatever because it's my birthday-just let myself eat a little more than normal.
   Like, normally for my birthday dinner I would just lose my shit. I'd think "it's my birthday, I can eat what I want" and then 4 bites into some ridiculous fried appetizer I've already decided I've had too much fat or carbs and that I'm finding a bathroom and purging the whole meal as soon as its over. And that's before the entree or dessert. And suddenly your birthday isn't that fun when you're over a toilet thinking WHY WHY WHY DID I EAT THAT?!?!
   This year I took a new approach, which was to stay within the limits of what I would consider acceptable or normal on any other day, but then let myself enjoy a bite or two of an appetizer I might not usually get and a dessert. Sharing is caring!! Sharing saves my life!! I really wanted to try the parmesan spinach dip, but that's something I would normally steer clear of because of all the fat and grease. So, we ordered it (and fuck yes it was covered in grease), and because there were three of us and I still had an entree coming, I was able to just have about 3 bites without feeling guilty or wasteful because my parents each had some, too.
  For my entree I just got a salad, which was made of spinach leaves and arugula instead of lettuce, and it had a goat cheese medallion on top with some walnuts and some kind of lemon-butter dressing. Now here, the salad was pretty much OK except for the huge hunk of goat cheese (which is my favorite cheese and oh-so-delicious) and the dressing. Walnuts have a high fat content too, actually, but there were like 5 halves, they weren't worrying me too much. So the cheese is what I wanted the most, but also what was prob the worst, so I immediately cut the medallion in half and set one half on the spinach dip so that it would get taken away. Then I asked for balsamic vinegar to use instead of whatever they gave me (balsamic vinegar = 0 cal), and now I felt fine about enjoying every bite of that half-medallion of goat cheese.
   Dessert is the worst, but I really believe that some pre-planning and sharing make all the difference. Oh, ya. I forgot about the pre-planning. Unless the meal out is truly spontaneous for some reason, you can usually look up the menu beforehand for anywhere you're going to end up for a special occasion, and then budget accordingly. This particular restaurant was famous for it's "unique" desserts, like fried brownie wontons and cheesecake spring rolls. Ya, you read that correctly. What I actually wanted was the fried brownie wontons, and I wanted to eat all three of them by myself. But, I know where that road leads...so I compromised and got the cheesecake spring rolls (still totally decadent and ridiculous, but a lot less than the brownie wontons). There were two cheesecake spring rolls, and what I like to do is serve others first so that it both seems like you are being polite but you can only leave yourself the amount you want to eat. This works better for me than everyone just eating with their fork out of the main dish, because you might still end up eating more than you meant to. So, I just cut it all up and gave each of my parents a bigger portion than I left myself, and then I got to enjoy the best 3 bites EVER. Seriously, it was so fucking good it shouldn't be legal.
    OK, that's all for now. Just wanted to share my big birthday meal, how I dealt with it without purging, and my strip-club extravaganza. Hopefully some of the tips can be useful to others, even though I know they seem obvious. I've actually read about 3 books about diet and nutrition during my little break, and they've really helped me a lot with how I approach weight loss/fat loss. When I next get the chance I'm gunna go in and change all my numbers, since they are mad old. Also, I can't wait to do a post about workouts/exercise/supplements. Til next time!

LM

"I can be changed by what happens to me, but i refuse to be reduced by it."

Today is my 24th birthday, and I decided that it would be the perfect time to re-enter the online world of social media. For months I've been trying to decide whether or not I should start blogging again, and if I should, when would be the right time to start?
Well, a lot has happened since I decided to stop writing. I'm thrilled to report that I've been accepted to law school in New York City, and will be leaving the south (hopefully) for good in August. During my break I busted my ass studying for the LSATs, applying to 15 law schools all over the country, and taking online classes to finish my undergraduate degree. I made the decision that I needed to focus everything on my future and getting the hell out of here, and that distractions like blogging and tweeting would have to wait.
Although I certainly missed this outlet, I believe that it paid off. I increased my LSAT score by 6 points from the last time I took it, which doesn't sound like much, but is actually huge. It took me from the 48th percentile nationwide to the 80th percentile, opening doors for me to schools that I previously didn't stand a chance at getting accepted to.
This time last year I remember starving myself for the days leading up to my birthday so that I could eat a birthday dinner. Today, I'm able to say that I have not skipped a meal in about two weeks, and that I am very much looking forward to my birthday dinner with my parents tonight.
This does not mean that I've magically "beaten" my eating disorder, I still struggle with it daily. Without going into too much detail (saving for the next post), I would say that I've largely become more of a restricter and exercise addict than binger and purger- although I still have my episodes every so often. Overall, though, I feel a lot better today than last year. Not that it's necessarily any better or healthier, but right now the exercising is providing me with the ability to five myself permission to eat and even enjoy food, albeit food I consider "healthy," which tends to include mostly "safe foods" like fruits, vegetables, protein and fiber. I can't wait to talk about what Ive been doing/up to in more detail in future posts, including exercise/diet regimens and my life in general.
I debated for a long time whether I should wait til I was permanently moved to NYC before rekindling the blog, as I thought that would truly represent my new start. But, I have a feeling that the days and weeks leading up to and immediately following the move and beginning of law school classes will turn out to be stressful and hectic-so I decided might as well start a little early-and what better than my birthday?
On that note, I'm going to run and get a quick gym session in before getting ready for the rest of the day. I'm really happy to be back, and I hope that everyone has been staying strong. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to sharing more in the posts to come!

LM


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Bunch of Pics for Now

Hey guys!
   I've been taking it upon myself to embark on various home improvement projects while I'm gainfully unemployed, so that I don't feel quite as useless. The other day I re-organized the kitchen by taking everything out of every cabinet, scrubbing the cabinets clean, throwing out everything that was expired (my mother SERIOUSLY had 3 cans of YAMS that expired in...wait for it...1997), putting everything back in a way that actually makes sense (i.e., coffee/tea cabinet, spices shelf, pasta/rice shelf, etc.). It took all day but I was pretty proud of myself and the kitchen looks like a million times cleaner and nicer because I threw out so much that it made room for stuff that was just cluttering on the counter.
  Anyway, the next project was for me to re-paint my room (nothing crazy, just white-it's just that the old coat was so old it hadn't been done since my 13th birthday, so it was like dirty and not even white anymore) and drilling hooks into the back of my door. I know I was suppose to post some recipes and a bunch of my workout/fitness info, but a lot of my stuff I packed up and moved into my Dad's office while i've been painting so nothing got ruined. But, the good news is that I finished today, so I'll be moving the stuff back into my room tomorrow and will be sure to post then. For now though, I do have some pics already on my lap-top and some of my little project that I just thought I'd post until I can get out the knitty-gritty stuff tomorrow.

OK so this is basically how I was storing my purses before. Sadly, this is not even a 1/4 of them. I have a problem. So, this is what I came up with:

 Which, I must say, was not as easy as it looks. Those six little hooks took me about 3 hours to get drilled into the door in the right spots, measured evenly. In fact, I originally tried to do it by hand with a screwdriver...which was definitely not happening. So I got to take a trip to the Home Depot and buy my very own adorable little power drill:

 I'm very proud of her. She made the job much easier. Close up of the handiwork:

 Oh yeah, baby! So here's how the purse situation is now:

Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. Of course, each of the big purses have like 6 little purses inside of them, or else the 6 hooks would never work. But I think it's better than the floor, where I could hardly walk.

So now for some body shots. These are a little different than how I usually do them, and I apologize for the really weird lighting effect. I was trying to to full-body, so instead of using the bathroom where the mirror only comes up to my hips, I used the wall mirrors in the kitchen, but we have this huge sliding glass door there where the natural light comes in and it made it kind of difficult with the shadows and stuff. But the idea is to show that even though I'm pretty much the same weight, I've noticed a difference in my muscle tone from the changes I've made that I wanted to show you.

 

Full Body Shot, Front

Starting to see some more definition in my abs/stomach

 

Full Body, Side

I've noticed less dimpling/cellulite in my thighs

Calf 

My legs are where I've noticed the biggest difference. I've never been able to see my calf muscle like this before. 

So here I took a close up of my stomach so you could see that I'm starting to get a little bit of definition in the ab area, although it's kinda freaking me out that it looks like its only on one side, lol. I'll be like that weird guy from "Lady in the Water." 

Here's a close up of my arms, which are the part of my body that I absolutely hate the most. They are way too big, so I am trying so hard to tone them up. But even after only a short time I'm starting to see a difference. I can actually see where the muscle is now instead of nothing but flab, but definitely needs a ton more work. 

 I know this one is a little weird, but all I'm trying to show here is how much my upper thighs have smoothed out. Unfortunately they haven't gotten significantly smaller or anything yet or crazy toned like I hope they will eventually, but I usually have such bad dimpling, cellulite, and stretch marks there. I mean, they arent gone or anything, but they have become a lot less noticeable.

 

And of course the normal collar bone shot. I think it looks exactly the same, which is ok with me-as long as it doesn't get WORSE, right? 

OK, I'm off now. I'm meeting a friend for coffee in the morning at Starbucks, so I'll be sure to bring my laptop, camera cord, and my recipe journal so that when she leaves I can put up the info I promised.

LM

Had almost forgotten what accomplishing a GOAL felt like!

   Hey guys! I'm gunna keep this post short and sweet because its 1:00am and I have to wake up early to drop off my resume at a law office that is 45 minutes from here, first thing in the morning! The plan has been going really well overall, with a few exceptions in the form of binges. There was the one I already wrote about in my last post, and then I had another one late last night after sneaking out to the porch to smoke some Mary J. Wow, just typing that gave me high school flashbacks! And I KNOW that puffin on the sticky icky gives me munchies, and it is well documented that it often leads to binge episodes for me...but man does it calm me the fuck down! So, sometimes (like last night) after a rough day I weigh the pros and cons and still decide that I need some green in my system ASAP.
   Luckily, it was a much more responsible binge than the previously discussed one, and I basically ate a bowl of Fiber One cereal, 15-20 whole grain wheat thins with hummus, and a 20cal sugar-free fudgesicle with about a tablespoon of peanut butter (not disputing the weirdness of putting peanut butter on a fudgesicle). So, while I would have preferred that it didn't happen-all in all the whole binge was between 400-500cals, which is about the same amount as I've been burning on the treadmill every day, which has really been helping. In this instance, without the binge I would have been in the negative for the day (having burned more than I ate), and with it I about broke even, so it definitely eased the anxiety a bit.
   Enough introspection for now-let's cut to the chase. I am proud to report that, despite those two setbacks, between my exercising and diet plan I did indeed get down to my goal of 107lbs for today! Which is a relief, because I haven't been succeeding at much else lately. Still haven't completely unpacked my trunk, which has caused me to keep postponing driving back to my apartment, because the whole point is to fill up another carload of my stuff, which I can't do until I empty the car.
   OK, the pics are below. My apologies in advance for the gym shorts instead of underwear-I know it's harder to see my thighs and track progress in that area, but I'm still on my period so I figured you'd rather look at gym shorts than my pad lol.

So happy to see that number!

Front

Side

Collarbone

   I'm ALSO sorry that the pics are so grainy, the lighting in my Dad's bathroom is worse than in my Mom's, but I like it better because he doesn't have that annoying mauve-colored shower curtain in the background. So, I went for the better background and tried to brighten the exposure when I loaded the pics...very little success. A photographer I am not.

   I really have to try to go to bed now, even though I know it's going to be difficult because my mind is already racing with the amount of shit I have to do tomorrow. OH! That reminds me! Don't have time to go into it now, but since I'm really moving down here I began the process of finding a new therapist and psychiatrist, and I have a 1:00pm appointment tomorrow with one of the therapists I found on my insurance plan-so I'll be sure to let you know how that goes! Goodnight, my loves!

LM

It's 1:30am...do you know where your thoughts are?

   I think that today may have been the least productive day I've had in an extremely long time. I woke up with my period (shoot me), so I had cramps all day, and was bloated, and my lower back has felt like I spent the past three days moving furniture or something. Overall I had been doing pretty well the the new plan, but I had a slip-up/binge today around 2pm. I'm not really sure what triggered it...I think it was a combination of a lot of things. Of course, I think my period had a little bit to do with it, as I was moody and irritable and craving chocolate...but I also had gotten in an EPIC argument with my parents last night that was so bad that I'm looking for places to rent ASAP instead of trying to "wait it out here" until I found a new job. But ya, so I still wasn't speaking to them as of "The Binge," and I was trying so hard not to give in when my mother calls me from a restaurant she is having lunch at, where they happen to serve one of my FAVORITE (binge) foods in the WORLD: Fried Pickles!! Ya, I know-some people think it's gross but if you love them, then you LOVE them! Well, I think that her strange way of trying to make amends, instead of apologizing, was to call and ask if I wanted her to bring me home an order of Fried Pickles.
   Hmmm...let me think....NO! I mean, I think that she had good intentions..but she also is very aware that I'm very bulimic, and that fried pickles are up there with my binge foods like Ben and Jerry's, Peanut Butter Oreos, Nutella...ya. So I found it strange that she would encourage that. Anyway, I said no to them knowing that if I had them I would be unstoppable. And yet--I ended up bingeing ANYWAY! It was like, once the idea of bingeing was in my head, once I entertained those fried pickles...then I just as willing to entertain whatever else I could find. Which was: leftover baked ziti, wheat thins w/ cream cheese, little tiny chocolate cookies I found in my Dad's secret hiding junk food stash that he keeps from my mom, cereal, and good old BREAD! So that happened. But, I immediately purged everything...in fact, I was so disappointed in myself that I did way more than my normal purges-I must of done at least 5 cycles of purge-drink-purge-drink-purge-drink until absolutely nothing was left.
   Even though it made me feel a little better that I got rid of the junk...I was still really upset that I let it happen in the first place. And you know how after a really intense purge you are just completely exhausted? I felt like I had been hit by a train...probably also because of the PMS symptoms, but whoa-I was actually a little worried that I might have overdone it. So I laid down for a little while...and MAN-I am just so miserable here. When I'm distracted with job hunting and sending out resumes and going to see friends I don't have to dwell on it, but I really am so depressed to be at home with my parents right now. The kind of depressed where you don't ever want to get out of bed...and nothing seems worth doing.
   I promised myself that today I would finish unpacking all of my clothes, to get ready for the next carload of things I'll be bringing down in my next trip. I did NO such thing. And it wasn't like I had something better to do...there was just literally nothing I could tell myself that made getting out of bed seem worth it. I even tried telling myself "Hey, just get up and go to the gym and work out...you won't be unpacking, but it will get you out of the house, then maybe you'll feel better and more awake and will be able to do this." Nope. Still couldn't lift my head off of the pillow.
   "In 15 more minutes" became "in an hour" and now its almost 2am and I can honestly say I did NOTHING today but suck at life. The only ray of light is that I did get on the scale (which I promised myself I wouldn't do until Monday, but I was so concerned that with my period I had gained weight) and I'm down to 109. Not exactly a monumental drop-but anything that isn't a gain is cool with me. I think that there is reason to believe that I still have a shot at 107 by Monday, as long as I keep up with the exercise and don't have more binge-a-thons. Even though I couldn't bring myself to get to the gym today, I did a yoga podcast for 45 minutes and did about a half hour of ab work, so that I didn't feel like a complete schlepp.
   But now my cramps are back with a vengeance, and I'm super irritable...so I do apologize at the less than cheery tone of this post. Just wanted to give an update-I liek being able to share both when I'm doing great and when I'm doing...well, not so great. Right now I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the prize. And of course,since I pretty much slept all day, I'm WIDE AWAKE NOW! I'm supposed to leave tomorrow to drive back to my apartment for about 14 days to give myself a break while I still have another place to go to...but I can't do that until I unpack everything from my car, which makes me think there is a possibility it will have to get pushed back until Monday since I didn't accomplish that task today.
   Oh lordy lordy lordy. Well, you win some you lose some I guess. I think I'm going to try and take advantage of this newfound energy spurt while it lasts and fold some clothes before hitting the sack again. At least there's always tomorrow...or in this case, the rest of today. Anyone out there have any home remedies or tricks for relieving the awful suckiness of periods? Love hearing new suggestions.

LM

Diet and Exercise: Options and Plans

   I mentioned in my last post that I had sat down and made a diet and exercise plan. Well, I wasn't lying-I really did. The exercise side of it is much more of a "plan" in the traditional sense of the word, while the diet side of more of a list of interchangeable options. While I'm losing weight, I'll be eating from the following list of items:

Breakfast Options

Fiber One Yogurt-50cal/per serving size

Light Vanilla Soy Milk-80cal/per cup

Egg whites-25 cal/per 1/4 cup

Luna Bar- 180cal

Oatmeal (Coach's Oats Brand)-160cal/serving size (1/3 cup, dry)

*Grapefruit-~50cal/per 1/2 grapefruit 

*Watermelon (Slices)- 36cal/per cup

*Blueberries-~35cal/per 1/2 cup

*Raspberries-10cal/per 10 raspberries

*Strawberries-5cal/per 1 Large Strawberry

Lunch and Dinner Options

*Carrots (Baby)-35cal/per 14 carrots

*Brocolli (Steamed)-44cal/per 5oz or 142g

Light String Cheese (Sargento) -50cal/per piece

Babybel Light (Laughing Cow Brand)-50cal/per piece

*Lettuce (Iceberg)-10cal/per cup

*Lettuce (Romaine)- 8cal/per cup

*Cucumbers- 45cal/per WHOLE medium size cucumber

Pickles (Mt. Olive Kosher Dill Spears)-~5cal/per spear

Matzo (Yehuda Brand)-125cal/per full square (I break them and only eat 1/4 at a time)

Condiment/Fixings Options

Salsa (Newman's Own Black Bean and Corn)-10cal/per tablespoon

Fat Free Ranch (Hidden Valley)- 15cal/per tablespoon

Fat Free Italian (Wish-Bone)-7.5cal/per tablespoon

Mustard (Plochman's Mild Yellow)-0cal

Banana Peppers (Mt. Olive Mild)-10cal/per 20 rings

Sicilian Pitted Olives (Lindsay)- 10cal/per olive

Taco Bell Hot Restauran Sauce- 0cal

Salad Spritzers (Wishbone)- 1cal/per spray

Beverage Options

Crystal Lite- 5cal/per 8oz

Coffee (Cafe Bustello, Black)-2cal/per 80z

Green Tea (Bigelow, with Lemon)-0cal

Water-0cal

*Denotes Negative Calorie Foods

   Most of the foods probably sound familiar from my second post with a few changes and substitutions. Basically, I have all of those options to work with and switch around and throw together for all of my meals. I know that when you look at it, it probably doesn't seem like a lot, however, you would be surprised at how many meals you can make out of those ingredients! I think in either my next post or the one after I'll post a few great low-cal recipes that are some of my favorites. 

   As for my exercising, I'm doing some things a little differently. Usually, I pretty much do the same thing every single day, which is some combination of treadmill, yoga, pilates, free weights, and ab work. HOWEVER, I have decided to try switching things up a bit and alternate exercises on different days, while also incorporating some new equipment. Speaking of new equipment, I have to tell you what the fuck I bought the other day. Prepare yourselves mentally for this one, guys. Are you ready?

I BOUGHT A MOTHER-LOVING SHAKE WEIGHT!!!!!!!! 

  Yes, THAT Shake Weight. Laugh it up, but I've used it two days in a row now, and you can really feel that shit! I may have been converted into a Shake Weight believer! It comes with this video that you can do the exercises along with, and its supposed to be 6 minutes a day, but I've been doing it once in the morning and once at night for a total of 12 WHOLE MINUTES! Haha, we'll see how toned my arms get!
   In addition to the Shake Weight, I also bought a jump rope and will be doing Hot Yoga once a week. So, here is the schedule:

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: 

1. Jump rope in the park, 30 minutes (10 minute intervals) 

2. Ab Work, 30 minutes (10 minute intervals) 

Tuesdays and Thursdays:

1. Treadmill, 45 minutes (alternating between 10 and 15% incline and 3 and 4mph)

2. Weights, 45 minutes (2 and 5 lb hand weights, and leg machine @ 45lb resistance)

Saturday:

Walk in park, 45 minutes

Sunday:

Hot yoga, 100 minutes

Everyday:

1. Shake Weight, 12 minutes

2. Swimming, moderate, 30 minutes

   So far, I've magically managed to stick to everything-although it has only been two days! I'll be sure to keep you guys updated, including if I have any slip-ups or binges. OH, I almost forgot! I made a Twitter account! Follow me at: http://twitter.com/FreeFromFood ! 

LM

Well, I did it!

   That's right, I actually went through with my colon hydrotherapy appointment yesterday morning! It was pretty weird at first, and I was definitely very nervous and even a little embarrassed in the beginning. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to go through with it...ESPECIALLY when I saw the tube thing that was supposedly going in me!!

   Well, as it turns out, the tube really only goes in no more than an inch-and it is very very small in diameter, even smaller than a finger. I'm not sure how much of a comfort that sounds like to anyone who has literally NEVER had ANYTHING in that, ah hem, region...but it truly is not difficult to handle, and actually not even uncomfortable. There is an initial sense of discomfort, however, it is much more mental than physical. I think that the fact that I have done small, at-home enemas in the past may have made the process a little easier-just because I learned a while ago that the best approach, so to speak, really is to relax. 

   With all that being said, I'm sure that the only thing anyone actually wants to hear about is the result! Unfortunately, at the end of the 45-minute session, I didn't lose any weight at all. In spite of this, I somehow felt much lighter, and also much healthier. I'm not really sure how to explain the feeling, because don't get me wrong-I was VERY disappointed about the lack of tangible weight loss-and yet, I really did feel internally as though I were 5 lbs lighter. Without getting too gross, plenty of *stuff* came out during the session, and I think that although whatever came out may not of weighed very much, it had probably been taking up a lot of space inside of me! Just having it out felt really good, and actually, it helped lessen some of my cramping and lower back pain that I had been experiencing from my period. 

   I spoke to the "colon hydrotherapist" afterwards about all of this, and asked if it was normal for someone to experience no actual weight loss. She explained that while most people do experience at least some weight loss with their first session, it is not unheard of for someone not to. She then asked me if I had ever done an enema before, or a cleanse, and also asked about my diet. Obviously, I wasn't going to admit that I was bulimic-but I explained that I am a vegetarian, that I add fiber supplements to a lot of food, that I take Miralax daily, and that I have done simple home enemas before. She said that all of that explained why I hadn't experience the same results as most first-time clients. 

   Basically, she explained that most people have never and will never do any kind of colon cleanse or home enema unless it is doctor prescribed before a surgery (like a colonoscopy). Additionally, most people are not vegetarians, and do not get enough fiber in their diets. Combine those factors with the typical American diet that is high in trans fat, preservatives, chemicals, etc-and she said most people have a LOT of CRAP (haha, figuratively and literally) and toxins to get out of their system. Because I've been a vegetarian for close to 6 years now, and do try to keep my digestive system relatively regular with the aid of supplements and gentle laxatives, she said that the majority of my toxins and waste is probably much more impacted and deeper than what is removed in the first session. 

   With all that being said, I still don't know how much of that is total BS and how much of it is true. I did a lot of research before getting the procedure, and I've done some after regarding her explanation to see if it has any merit. While I've found some evidence that she was being truthful, a lot of it comes from other websites promoting colonics, which makes me question their credibility or whether they are all in on this scheme to convince people to pay up to $150 per session for 6 sessions by telling people that more will come out in the next session. Luckily, the place I had it done at is $75 per session-however that is still not cheap! 

   In evaluating my experience, I decided to book a second session. I figure, for one more session, I can see if she was BSing me or not about how the results would be better if I did it again AND worst case scenario, I still don't lose any weight-but I still feel better again. My next appointment is for June 2, as I'll be out of town next week and didn't really know about the safety issues in having two in the same week. I also tried to take some pictures, but they aren't very good quality as they were just with my phone!

   So this one I took while I was laying in the bed/basin thing...I actually don't really know what to call it. These are my legs under the blanket. I probably should have explained somewhere that there are two kinds of colonics, "closed" and "open." I had an "open" one. I'm not sure how to explain the difference without getting really graphic and gross-so I'll do my best and just hope that we are all adults! Plus, If you're still reading, then you probably aren't that bothered, right? So, a "closed" system involves a slightly bigger tube going slightly further in, and it basically blasts water inside of you and then vacuums or sucks everything out, and repeats. In an "open" system, its just the little thin tube that only goes in an inch, and nothing sucks anything out, it is allowed to just come out naturally. So when you look at that picture, the sheet is covering my bottom half which is basically on a big toilet. I don't know how else to say that...so the water goes in you, and you just release when you feel the urge, it is just constantly flushed away underneath you. 

   This picture is of the tube that you can watch everything come out of, if you so choose. In the beginning it was really intriguing and I was watching, but after a few minutes I decided to just lay back, relax, and not strain my neck trying to see everything. It's so strange how something can be both disgusting and fascinating at the same time! I never thought that this would be something I would even DO, let alone DO and WATCH...but its funny how our own bodies amaze us. As you can see, nothing was really coming out when I took this one. 

   Here you can see that I didn't lose any weight. They have a scale in every room for you to weight yourself before and after, which leads me to think that the woman was probably being honest about most people experiencing more dramatic results-because I don't think they would encourage you to measure it before and after RIGHT THERE unless they were relatively confident that you would be pleased. Anyway, as you can see, it is smack dab on 110, exactly what it was when I went to bed the night before.  

   And that about wraps up my post on my colon hydrotherapy experience! I meant to post this yesterday, but didn't have time to load the pictures from my phone until late last night-so I figured I may as well wait until this morning at that point! Today I am going back to my exercise and work-out schedule for the first time, and I spent about an hour earlier writing out a weekly diet and exercise "plan." It's kind of just a guide right now, but once I've fine-tuned it I'll post it! Have a great day everyone, and stay strong!

LM

Long Couple of Days!

Hey guys!
   Sorry I haven't been able to post in a couple of days, it has been really hectic. I interviewed for a job about two weeks ago that I literally NEVER thought I had a chance at getting, but found out on Monday that I got it! The only problem is, it will require me to move half way across the country to one of three cities: Boston, New York, or Washington, D.C.-and they want me to start ASAP, like as in mid-June. That doesn't give me very much time to work out finding a place to live in a totally new city, and tie up all my loose ends where I am now, including my current lease. Also, I just got a new car less than a month ago (well, not NEW, used...but new to me lol) and the only one of those cities I can see needing a car in is D.C., as I'd probably live in Maryland or Virginia. But if I get the NY or Boston location, then I can't see bringing a car. Ahhhh I have until Monday to either accept or reject the offer, so I've been going nuts the past few days calling everyone and their mom trying to figure out all my options and how quickly certain things can get done.
   Also, I have one of my best friends' wedding to go to in Antigua from June 12-15th, which I told the person who interviewed me, and they basically said "Oh, that's fine, you'll just start as soon as you get back, then." AS SOON AS I GET BACK? I feel like I have no time to prepare for such a major life change! Not to mention, of course, that as usual in the background of everything is my ever constant ED. Moving to a new city will require finding a new doctor, a new psychiatrist, and losing my current one with whom I've developed a lot of trust. Plus, for specialists there can sometimes be a long waiting list, although since they are ridiculously huge cities compared to the little town I'm in now, they probably have more to go around. Still, it is also a big concern for me.
   I was also thinking about it in terms of stress, and I think that although this would be an amazing opportunity, I'm really scared that the stress will dramatically increase how often I binge-eat, which I feel like I've gotten down to a much lower level over the past few months. I'm much more on the restrictive side of things at the moment, which I prefer. I've gone from binging and purging up to 5 times a day to only about 2-3 times per week. Of course, I'm not eating more that 200-500 cals per day and I make sure to do at least an hour of cardio every day to counter-act, so I know its not like what I'm doing is any "healthier" per say, but it does make me feel a little more in control then when I'm doing nothing but binging and purging all day long. I'm just afraid that with the stress from moving I'll go back to that daily life style, which could really effect my work performance. And the LAST thing I want to do is pack up my life move, move across the country, just to epically FAIL at the job I'm taking because of my ED.
   I have a lot to think about right now. Anyone been through something similar or have any suggestions? I'd love to hear from you guys! Also, Liz [ED], I read your blog and did see that you tagged me for that set of questions. I wanted you to know I haven't been ignoring it, just been out of my mind since Monday! I have a draft post with the questions, hopefully I'll be able to finish them later tonight!

LM

Tips and Tricks

   I've actually been really hesitant about writing this post. As a person living with an eating disorder, I know that I always appreciate learning new tips and tricks here and there that I may not have thought of, however, I worry that it is a very fine line between sharing ideas with others that already have an ED and possibly encouraging or helping those without one to develop one.

   So, I'll just reiterate some of the things I said in my first post. This blog is not PRO Ana or PRO Mia in the sense that I am not trying to glamorize eating disorders or encourage others to develop one. This is not intended for insecure teenagers obsessed with Mary Kate Olsen who want to "lose weight." An ED is NOT a diet. With that being said, I still think that for those of us NOT in recovery, we should be able to talk to each other and share our experiences without worrying about being judged for our actions and attitudes.

   OK, I feel a little better about posting these after typing that. Especially because, lets face it, for those of us who have been living with ED...most of this information will not be new. But I always like reading other people's "Tips and Tricks" because every now and then there is something I hadn't thought of. I'll read a list of 25 tips, and I may have known about 24 of them...but learning just that one new one is really cool sometimes.

Drumroll, please...

~Tips and Tricks~

*Always carry sugar free mints and gum to help with hunger pangs and cover bad breath from purging or ketosis

*Cut all your food into as small pieces as you possibly can. Everything, even lettuce. The cutting will keep you focused and aware of how much you put in your mouth, and it will make whatever you are eating last MUCH longer.

*Never pour dressing on salad unless it is zero calorie, just have it on the side and dip your fork into it before grabbing the lettuce, you get the taste without all the extra cals.

*Always try to eat something for breakfast to start up and boost your metabolism, just don't go overboard. I like to keep it between 100-150 cals.

*Drink lots of water and green tea, it helps flush your system and boosts metabolism so you can burn more calories throughout the day.

*Try to drink everything ICE COLD, your system has to work harder to burn the calories

*When you are bingeing, try to start with something healthy and very recognizable, that way if it gets absorbed its not the worst food you ate and you'll know when you got everything up. I'm a big fan of carrots.

*Drink a TON of liquids when bingeing, everything will come up SO much easier and faster. Just don't drink a ton of high-calorie liquid...even though you're purging you don't need the extra cals to get absorbed in the meantime. Stick with water and zero-calorie/5 cal stuff like those powdered Crystal Light or flavored water.

*I never use my fingers to purge, it can create tell-tale marks. I always use the end of a toothbrush or the round end of a piece of silver wear.

*It helps to switch up the kind of method for purging, so that you don't get too used to any one way and stop reacting to it. For example, one way that always gets the food to start coming up for me is to try to breath in WHILE touching my gag reflex, its almost instantaneous. But I tried only ever doing that for about a week once, and soon it didn't work anymore. Another thing that always works for me is sticking whatever I'm using AS FAR BACK AS IT WILL GO, and then lightly pulling it up and forward at the same time, so that it brushes over, almost tickles, the back of my throat and gag reflex. One other method that usually works for me is very rapidly jabbing the instrument down my throat, but along my tongue so that you are not stabbing your throat in a "straight back" way but very quickly going almost up and down along your tongue and down your throat. Alternating these three has worked best for me,

*Once I'm done bingeing, I'll do my first purge. I like to think of that as my first, practice round. Once I get everything that is going to come up out, I go back and drink some more. My favorite thing to drink is half crystal light, half club soda. Then I jump up and down for about a minute, and then I do sort of a head stand for another minute, but I lean against a chair or the wall. This kind of shakes everything up and the carbonation from the club soda helps SO MUCH! Then I go for my second round, and like magic a ton more always comes up than I even thought was left. When nothing will come up anymore, do it one more time.

*As soon as you are finally done purging, drink some green tea. It will sooth your stomach and esophagus and also provide some antioxidants and caffeine, and beccause you are totally empty, it will get absorbed more quickly.

*The worst food to binge on is anything HOT or SPICY...it HURTS LIKE A BITCH coming up! I've read that a lot of other people have problems with peanut butter or starches, but I have personally found that if I use enough liquid I can purge ANYTHING without a problem EXCEPT SPICY FOOD! Even that, I CAN purge...its just so painful that its almost not worth it. I've had one too many bad experiences with that, so much so that now if I eat something spicy....I'm running and swimming that shit off, not purging it.

*If you're into drinking alcohol or smoking pot, DRINK A LOT OF WATER AND EAT SOMETHING BEFOREHAND. Otherwise...you'll be munching like nobody's business, and when you are drunk or high the likelihood of remembering to effectively purge everything before passing out is slim to none. So if you drink a lot of water and eat something before, you'll be less hungry and less likely to give into temptation when you have less control and judgement.

*When I'm really hungry and on the verge of bingeing, sometimes I'll give myself activities to do and say "you can eat when you finish this." Then, when you finish it, do the same thing again with something else. Keep going as long as you can, and usually the desire will subside AND you get a sense of satisfaction from the self control you exercised.

*Don't take escalators or elevators, always take the stairs, no matter how heavy your bag is or how much you're carrying or how high your heels are. Every bit helps, and it all helps with your overall feeling of accomplishment.

*I've read a lot of tips along the lines of buying clothes too tight or wearing a tight belt to make you more aware of your size, what size you want to be, and how much you've eaten. But for me, I hate walking around looking and feeling like I'm bulging everywhere. It may work for some people, but for me, it actually increases the liklihood that I'll break and binge because it makes me feel insecure and hopeless. INSTEAD, what I do is wear something really loose, flowy, or baggy on top (Like a loose dress, big sweatshirt, etc) and then wear something tight underneath, like skin tight leggings or jeans, and that way you get the subtle reminder you need to watch what you eat and be careful, but its just for you and no one else can see it.

*Reward yourself when you reach milestone goal weights. Donate clothes that are too big to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or whatever organization you like. That way they aren't there anymore for you to allow yourself to be that size again, and you can go shopping for something new.

*I've never really been into music or songs that are explicitly about EDs, but I do have a playlist that I go to when I need motivation. Whatever works for you, mine is mostly broadway musical solos, ballads, some Mariah, some Beyonce, some Mary J, some Regina Spektor....that sort of thing. Whatever floats your boat, but it really does help get you to the next level when you need to be on your own planet.

*This is going to sound like a no-brainer, but don't keep binge foods in the house. That way if you really want them, you have to actually get up, get out of the house, into your car, and go get them. That way you can minimize binges to only when you REALLY REALLY want them instead of just when you are stressed or bored. It seriously took me years to realize what a big difference this made. I used to buy them  and think I had the self control to just NOT eat them...but I don't. Never will.

*Always carry hand sanitizer and perfume...sometimes it's not just your breath that smells like vomit, the smell can stay on your hands and clothes, too.

*If you are out in public and it is really apparent that you have taken too long in the bathroom, come out and go to the nearest girl and act really annoyed that you got your period and you don't have anything with you and ask if she has a pad or tampon, it pretty much immediately erases whatever they THOUGHT you might be doing, as long as you don't smell like vomit.

*Add Miralax to all of your liquids. Its supposed to be about a capful for every 8 ounce glass, so I make 2 litre pitchers and mix accordingly. You can't taste it at all, and then its already in there for the next couple days. Helps with digestion and keeps you from getting bloated and constipated, which is the WORST. Its by far the most gentle, mild and natural laxative out there. In fact, it was the only one that they let me have when I was in treatment. That's how you know its legit, lol.

*If you are really in a pinch, baking soda mixed with water will make you throw up, and epsom salt mixed with water works as a laxative. Both of them you just need like a tablespoon for an 8 oz glass. Both of them also taste like shit.

*If your throat gets really raw or sore from purging, I've found that taking 1/2 cup of light vanilla soy milk (only 40 cal) and blending it with a 1/2 cup ice into almost a slushy consistency is incredibly soothing. 

That's all I've got for now, if I think of anything else I'll be sure to post it!

LM

Good News!

   First off I'd just like to thank those of you who have subscribed to follow my blog! It really means a lot to not just be mindlessly rambling to myself all the time-plus it was such a welcome surprise when I came back from Wisconsin to see that I had gone from zero to eight followers! Sometimes, its the little things in life...
   Well, I finally found the time to run to Walgreens for some of those little disc shaped batteries for my scale...can you tell how technologically inclined I am by the fact that I have no idea what else to call them? Anyway, the good news is I DID NOT gain any weight while I was away, and am in fact down to 105 lbs! A couple days late, but welcome news nonetheless!
   I'm going to try to start posting some pictures, but I lost the battery for my camera in Wisconsin, rendering the lens unable to retract and the camera unable to turn on. I just ordered a new one on eBay. (Are we seeing a pattern here with my luck relating to batteries?) It should be here in 4-7 days, then I can take pics of the scale and some body shots to try and keep a better record.
   Short and sweet for now, will be able to make a longer post later, I'm compiling some tips and tricks, since that seems to be a staple of all the blogs in this genre. But I'm trying not to be completely redundant, and actually have some stuff that I haven't read anywhere else before. Ciao for now!

LM

Back in Town

   I'm finally home after an exhausting week in Wisconsin. I would pretty much kill to have those 6 days back, as now I have more work to do than ever and less time! The whole time I was out of town I kept telling myself that it was going to be OK, and that I would finish everything when I got back...HA! What a joke. I now have so much just piled up from being put off that I don't know how I'm going to finish it all by this weekend. And to make things worse, my parents are visiting this Sunday, which means I have to MAJORLY clean and pretend that I live like a functioning human being.
   As for food and weight, I was overall pretty happy with how I did for 6 days, although I know I could have had more self control in a couple of instances. I brought my own food with me for travel so that I wouldn't buy/eat airport food, so that helped a lot. I can't say that everyone else's pizza and fries didn't smell outrageously delicious as I ate my celery sticks and carrots, but what can you do.
   While I was actually there, in the hotel and at the event, it was kind of impossible to carry around celery and carrots, as it was a very hectic schedule from 8am to 9pm every night, and I was already carrying so much...I had my gigantic tote that is half my size, so that I could have a change of shoes and clothes, along with my laptop, camera, chargers/cords, planner...it was packed. Then I also had a visual aid case, which is basically a giant tripod/easel thing that the visuals for my presentation rest on. Basically...lots of shit. No room for baggies of food and little cups of dressing, not to mention what a disaster it would have been if any food had spilled on something important.
   Nevertheless, I tried very hard to be good. The organization holding the event gave everyone a card with $35 on it to use for lunch everyday, and there were some TERRIBLE options! Typical food-court crap: greasy pizza, hamburgers, cheese fries, chinese...luckily there was a sub place where I could just get nothing but vegetables and vinegar on a wheat sub. I got that every day, never adding cheese and always taking the top half of the roll off and eating the rest with a fork. I wish I had been strong enough to not get the roll entirely and just have the veggies in a bowl, like what I do at Subway...but I was so exhausted and hungry by lunch time each day that I let myself rationalize half a roll.
   We also had gone to a Target the night we got into town and got some groceries to keep in the fridge at our hotel, so I had bought some soy milk and some granola, which is what I had each morning before leaving. Thank god the hotel didn't have bowls, and I just poured a little bit in one of the water cups, or else I would have definitely eaten too much. For dinners each night we had the option of just going back to the hotel and each figuring it out individually, or going to dinner together at a restaurant. Almost every night we chose to just go back to the hotel, which was great, because then I either didn't eat or just ate the fruit and veggies I had in the fridge. The one night we did go out, I ordered this spinach wrap that was (thankfully) terrible, so I only had about 4 bites out of it. I did, however, have a vodka club soda, which was sort of cheating but DAMN did I need a drink after that day.
   The worst thing I ate the whole trip were some cheese fries that someone offered me. I dipped them in ketchup, which is a condiment I haven't even TASTED in SO LONG! I had forgotten how much I love ketchup...too bad its nothing but sugar. My biggest "trigger" was being out of town on Easter Sunday, which the event organizers felt compelled to compensate for by having candy and chocolate and egg-shaped cookies FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!! I cheated with a few Reese's Pieces and a cookie, but then I went to a bathroom and purged because it dawned on me that I had NO IDEA what was in that cookie, and it had been really thick and covered in green icing...which is NEVER good.
   I'm a pretty good judge of whether I've gained, lost, or maintained my weight...I can always just feel the slightest differences. Coming home I felt relatively confident that I had not gained any weight, but as luck would have it the batteries to my scale died while I was gone. They are those round-disc batteries that I don't just have laying around, so I haven't been able to weigh myself since I got back...which is a little unnerving.
   I'm in the office now, but I'll pick some up on my way home so that I can get an accurate reading tonight. I had been pretty proud of myself for only purging twice while away and managing to (for the most part) keep to a really low-calorie diet each day, trying to never go above 500 cal. Although I didn't get to hit a gym while I was gone, the walking between building and up stairs carrying all that shit ALL DAY LONG in HEELS did a pretty good number on me. With any luck I'll be down to 105 (as per my April 5th goal) and if not, I will hopefully have at least not gained anything.
   Since being back, I haven't really eaten much at all. I've been so stressed with all this catch-up work and pretty close to a panic attack at any given moment, that I haven't really been able to think about food. It was a friend's birthday dinner last night, which I really didn't want to go to but went anyway to be polite...I ordered an entree that came with soup and dessert, all of which were delicious, but that I purged as soon as I got home. Usually I go out of my way to get every possible bit of food out when I purge, taking drinks and doing various jumping exercises in between...but since it was all I'd eaten in two days I was too exhausted after the first purge to go back and do my second and third go-rounds.
   Got to get back to the endless pile of work I have to do, but it felt good to take a little break and process some stuff. Will give weight update after I buy replacement batteries tonight.

LM

Travel Anxiety!

   Well, I'm leaving on a trip to Wisconsin in about...ohhhh 4 hours, and I'll be gone for about six days. I've been incredibly stressed and nervous about this trip for a lot of reasons, but two of the biggest ones (surprise, surprise...) involve weight and food. The trip requires that I wear a suit almost every day, and about a month ago I bought a new suit just for this trip and had it tailored to fit me like a glove and kind of create the illusion of an hourglass shape. I was sick of comments from people about how my suits were too big on me or how I looked like I was playing dress up. Anyway, I'm making this way too long of an explanation. The point is that I was at close to my lowest weight when I had it tailored, about 101 lbs, and since then I've gained weight!! I was so happy to be under 105 again, and then I fucked up and started drinking alcohol again...which led to (in addition to the empty drink calories) a few late night binges that I didn't get to purge because I passed out.  So I'm kind of FREAKING OUT that my suit isn't even going to BUTTON and I'm just going to look like a giant, bulging, disgusting mess.

   On top of that, eating the food I'm comfortable eating is really difficult when I go out of town, and always gives me some anxiety. But usually my trips are between 2-3 days, and I have a pretty down-pat routine: One day, I just let people see me eat some salad or fruit-whichever is provided-around lunch time and then either just order another salad for dinner or a plate of steamed broccoli. I got some strange looks the first time everyone saw me do that, but since I'm a vegetarian its a little easier to explain away. The second day, I avoid everyone at meal times and don't eat anything, and if anyone asks where I was I tell them that I was doing work. THEN, when we all go out to dinner together, I binge and EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT! Appetizers, wine, pasta, dessert-the works! Then when we get back to the hotel I say that I have to make a "personal phone call" and use the bathroom in the lobby to purge, so that the bathroom in our room won't smell. 

   It's not exactly rocket science, but it has kept everyone from knowing about my eating disorder, which I am a fan of. The problem is, that works when you're only gone for 2 or maybe 3 three days...but SIX DAYS?! Shit. I feel like there is no way to pull that for six days without anyone getting suspicious. So I called the hotel and asked if they have fridges in the rooms, which they do, so now I'm thinking I'm going to bring a bunch of my own food to have with me, which I'm thinking that because its Passover I can get away with because no one else knows what the fuck you can and can't eat on Passover. 

   Anyway, I've just been so stressed out about this trip that all I want to do is binge on comfort food, but I know that I can't because I need my suit to fit and I've been working so hard the past week to lose weight before leaving. WELL...my roommate's mother sent her a GIANT CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF CHOCOLATES for Easter!!! And when she opened it, she opened every single bag and had one of each kind, then just LEFT THEM ON THE KITCHEN TABLE and said "have as much as you want!" Well, GD!!! I somehow miraculously managed to keep from eating them the past three days, but tonight I was about to have a panic attack about the trip-not only because of what I just explained, but in addition to those personal issues I also just am not nearly as prepared for this as I should be and have SO MUCH work to do and finish before my presentation is anywhere near the level it should be...UGH just typing it is making my heart race...I should be researching and finishing work not writing this blog...but I just needed a break from looking at that stuff! 

  Well, I wanted to eat every last morsel out of all SIX of her bags of chocolate when I got home tonight. But I kept trying to tell myself that it would throw away all my hard work this week...but I wanted them SO BADLY! What did I do? I took one piece from every bag, unwrapped them, stood over the kitchen sink and chewed them all one by one and spit them out. After each bite I rinsed and gargled to make sure there wasn't any "residue" to absorb through my gums or something before moving on to the next one. The whole process took about 15-20 minutes as each piece had about 3 bites in it.

   But as I was standing over my kitchen sink, spitting chewing and spitting chocolate down the garbage disposal, I had two thoughts. First, that I was so proud of myself for having the self control to not binge on all the candy and what a smart idea it was of me to just chew and spit it, instead. Second, what a fucked up thing to think my first thought was. There I was, chewing delicious chocolate that I wanted to eat so badly, spitting it out and into a drain, rinsing and gargling with water, and then repeating about 18 times...and then thinking that I had SO MUCH SELF-CONTROL!! 

   Ya, like people who are in control do this shit! I realized how completely backwards my relationship with food is: it controls me, I don't control it. I remember being told that in treatment one time, but since I didn't want to be there in the first place and was a little resentful, I pretty much just ignored it. But damn, I could hear that bitch's voice in my ear tonight! Shit...I really have to stop doing this now and get back to work and print stuff out. Just needed a venting break. More like a journaling break, since the only one listening/reading is me lol. Aight-party's over.

LM

What I'm Doing Now

   OK, so over the years I've tried pretty much every diet out there, and every "quick-fix," and a whole shit load of pills that I hoped would be magical. I've also over-exercised, exercised regularly, and not exercised at all while dieting, in addition of course to doing all of the above + bingeing/purging.

   Every time something new comes out or hits the market, I always try it to see if it is any better than what I'm doing at the time, or if I can learn any new tips/tricks from it. In fact, one of my future posts will be a review of products I've tried, which will hopefully be helpful for anyone trying to figure out what to spend their money on. However, with a few exceptions, I almost always end up going back to what I'm doing currently-which is basically my own sort of combination of foods, drinks, pills, and exercise that I've had the most success with as far as losing the most weight the fastest. So here it is:

Food

   Basically, I only eat what they call "negative-calorie" foods (when not bingeing, obvi), with a few calculated exceptions. For a list of these foods and the best article/explanation I've found, click here. Out of the list, my personal preferences are for celery, cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes, broccoli, lettuce, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon, and grapefruit. Although the article does a much better job of explaining the science than I can-the basic idea is that these are foods that burn more calories to digest them than there are calories in them. 

   The exceptions that I have are: egg whites, 2% cheddar cheese singles, Luna bars, caramel-flavored rice snacks, Werther's Sugar Free Hard Candies , and Sicilian-style pitted olives. As I said before, these are calculated exceptions. Here is my reasoning for them: 

(1) Egg whites- a big mistake that a lot of people make when they are trying to lose weight, especially if they are ana/mia, is not eating breakfast. However, you will lost more weight faster if you do eat something for breakfast, as it will jump start your metabolism so that you can burn calories more efficiently during the rest of the day. Now, I could just eat breakfast with some of the negative-calorie fruits, but I have found that getting in some protein in the morning helps me have more stamina for exercise. The greatest thing about egg whites is that they have very little calories but a lot of protein. There are 25 calories in 1/4 cup, so I usually have a half a cup in the mornings, which is 50 cal. 

(2) 2% Kraft Sharp Cheddar Cheese Singles- I really don't use these very often, one pack usually lasts me until they expire. BUT I like always having them around incase the food I'm eating just isn't cutting it for me in terms of flavor or satisfaction. If I'm on the verge of bingeing, sometimes making egg whites or broccoli and melting a piece or two of cheese into them will make me feel as though I've splurged or had a treat, without completely throwing me off track. At 50 cal per piece, its worth it if it keeps me from going out and buying $50 worth of junk food. 

(3) Luna bars- same basic idea as the cheese, except that they are more portable. I don't eat them every day, but always keep one with me incase of a sudden craving for junk food, or incase I unexpectedly find myself having to be in a food court-type area, or someone brings/orders delivery to work or social gathering and the smell is really making me want to eat it. At 180 cal per bar with flavors like "Peanut Butter Cookie," and "Caramel Nut Brownie," not only are they much better than pizza,  chinese, french fries, etc--but Luna bars also have 9g protein and 3g fiber. And if I'm going to have an extra 180 cal, I'd rather they not be "empty," and at least offer valuable nutrients in boosting metabolism. 

(4) Publix Fat Free Caramel Rice Snacks- while the cheese and Luna bars are sort of "emergency" alternatives to possible bingeing, these delicious little mini cakes are part of my every day diet. I've found that when I try to not eat anything sweet at all, I'm much more prone to bingeing. Sometimes fruit can satisfy a sweet tooth-but very rarely for me. I crave that sugary taste that caramel and chocolate give me. After trying tons of other stuff, I've found that these are both the best tasting, most filling, and lowest calorie. There are 60 cal in 7 pieces, and unlike things like crackers, chips, and even cookies (if they are the little ones) where its IMPOSSIBLE to JUST eat 7-the serving size for these is actually pretty perfect! And if I REALLY want more, usually another 3 will do it, rather than a whole other serving. 

(5) Werther's Original Sugar-Free Hard Candies in Caramel Coffee- most ana/mias know how helpful chewing sugar-free gum can be in curbing appetites. Due to a lot of issues with my teeth, however, including enamel erosion and cavities/fillings, I try to avoid gum as anything chewy can be painful sometimes. Instead, I just pop one of these babies when I'm hungry in between meals. There are 40 cal in 5 pieces, meaning there are 8 cal in 1 piece. Not too shabby. 

(6) Sicilian-Style Pitted Olives- there's really no big explanation for these. I pretty much just LOVE them, but they are pretty high in fat/cal. 2 olives = 20 cal, 15 from fat. Everyone needs a "splurge" item, and these are mine. I'm known to eat half a jar at a time when the craving hits me, but I figure they are still better than a pint or two of Phish Food. 

Drinks

   Unless I know I'm going to purge VERY QUICKLY after drinking them, the only non-alcoholic beverages I drink are: water, green tea, black coffee, Crystal Light, and laxative tea. Obviously, the first three have no calories in them as long as you don't alter them with sweetener/cream/milk etc. Crystal Light only has about 5 cal per serving, and is a great alternative to water if when I am craving more flavor. I use Traditional Medicinals brand Organic Smooth Move laxative tea, which has senna in it. It has 2 cal per serving, which in my book may as well be nothing-especially considering what it does for you. 

   I try not to put myself in situations where I'll be expected to drink alcohol, however, when they are unavoidable/inevitable I only order: vodka and club soda (100-200 cal depending on single or double) or MGD 64. I heard Budweiser recently came out with a beer with less than 64 cal, but I haven't tried it yet. MGD 64 doesn't taste like shit, though-and I suspect Bud's might. Sorry for the bias-was never a Budweiser fan lol. 

Pills/Aids

   Like I said earlier, I've tried just about everything out there. But I always end up going back to some combination of the following products: Cellucor D4 Extreme Weight Loss, Diurex Water Pills, 200mg caffeine pills, and saline enemas. 

(1) Cellucor D4 Extreme Weight Loss Pills- These are a little pricey, around $40-70 per bottle, depending on where you get them and whether or not you have a membership card. I get them at GNC for around $50 with my member card. They are actually just one type of pill in a set of four, I think, but this is the only one I buy. The others have different purposes like muscle building and stuff like that-but this is the only one I care about: weight loss. These pills are "fat-incinerating" adrenal agents that, in conjunction with exercise, releases stubborn fat and enhances caloric burn. I love them...enough to spend $50 on them, obviously. Each bottle has 120 pills, but you have to take 4 a day, 2 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon. 

(2) Diurex Water Pills (Original Formula)- These are super cheap and widely available over the counter at every drugstore I've ever been in. They are the mildest most effective diuretic I've ever used, and really do help a ton with bloating/water weight. I think they are like $5-6. 

(3) 200mg Caffeine Pills- I just buy the Walgreens/CVS brand, they are over $1 cheaper than the brand name and are EXACTLY the same. 200mg is 200mg. I use these to help me boost my metabolism, especially when coffee or tea isn't available. I just keep a bottle in my purse. Not to mention, they are great when you just need an extra boost of energy to keep you more focused and alert. 

(4) Fleet Saline Enemas- You have to be careful not to overdo these, as like harsher laxatives, enema abuse can cause some pretty serious problems. I try not to do more than 1 per week, but sometimes I'll feel like I have to use 2. For years I refused to ever try an enema, because the idea of them freaked me out and I thought it would be gross and hurt. However, I finally tried one last year while I was attempting this weird at-home colon cleanse liquid diet, and I was SHOCKED at how easy, comfortable, and quick they were! Ever since then I've integrated them into my regimen. 

Exercise

   Finally, there is exercise. When I first started working out, I only did cardio and I only used machines/did activities that I liked or were easy for me. Since then, though, I have discovered that I am much more willing to do a difficult activity or exercise that I don't particularly like or enjoy when it burns twice or three times as many calories as what I did before! Similarly, the fear that a lot of women have towards using weights (that it will bulk them up/make them heavier) was easily calmed for me once I realized that this will absolutely NOT HAPPEN as long as you use low enough weights. They are great for toning and sculpting target areas, and building muscle allows you to burn more calories. It would be really difficult for me to explain in writing all the exercises I do and how to do them, so below is a list of links. 

ShapeFit- This is a link to a list of cardio exercises that burn the most amount of calories. Swimming, running and jumping rope are the three I do most often, as they burn the most in the shortest time and work my body the hardest.

Fitclick- This is one of the best sites I've ever found! I was so happy when I stumbled across it! It is COMPLETELY FREE to register/sign up and has everything you could ever want in diet and exercise tools. There are food journals, calorie counters, calories burned calculators, recipes...and EVERY workout/exercise plan you can imagine! I only use it for the exercises, because to be honest...calorie counting is second nature for me, so I don't really need a special calculator for it. But the exercise plans are INCREDIBLE and they are thousands and thousands of videos or anything you want. My favorites for weights/toning are: "Pilates: 10 Minute Sculpting", "Stability Ball: Kneeling One-Arm Rows", "Weight Roll-Ups", "Squats: Body Weight," and "Best Way To Exercise: Modified Leg Lifts." Once you register, click "exercises" from the "Workout and Fitness" drop-down menu, then click any random workout video, and then when it comes up there will be a search box in the top right corner where you can type those titles in.

Whew! That was intense to write! It's weird though, because just remembering all that info and typing it out really gave me some much needed drive, and I feel sort of rejuvenated and more determined to reach my goal weight than I did when I started writing this! If anyone else reads this, I hope it is at least a little helpful and motivating for your own weight goals, and possibly even provided some new ideas and resources.

LM

And Here. We. Go.

   Here it is, the first post. The reason I've started this blog up is that, there are so many resources and websites and blogs out there about recovering from your eating disorder--which is great if you've chosen to do that--yet, there are very few outlets for those of us with EDs who AREN'T in recovery. And the websites that are available to us are immediately dubbed "Pro Ana" and "Pro Mia" and demonized for encouraging and promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. However, there is a big difference between PROMOTING EDs and being allowed to talk openly and honestly about how we live. 

   I have great respect for those who have chosen to embark upon the recovery process, and I can't say with 100% certainty that I will NEVER make that decision for myself. What I can say, though, is that I was in an inpatient/residential treatment program for three months-and not only did I relapse within a day of being discharged, but continued to purge in secret throughout my stay there. I sincerely believe that this is because in order to truly recover from ED, you have to truly WANT to-and I do not want to at this point in my life. And I know, both from being in treatment and from all the blogs and websites that I read, that there are so many others like me out there. People who recognize that EDs are dangerous diseases, who would never ENCOURAGE someone to develop one or PROMOTE it as a "glamorous" lifestyle--but who nevertheless are not at a point in their lives where they want to recover. 

   With that being said, it should not come as a surprise that I WOULD NOT recommend reading or following this blog if you are trying to recover, as the entire point of it is to provide a safe place for myself and (hopefully, in the future) others who ARE NOT IN RECOVERY. Therefore, I will not be censoring myself and do not want anyone else to, either. For that reason, material in this blog may be triggering. So please, only follow and read it if you won't be offended by posts relating to diet, exercise, tips, tricks, and other topics that are central to the lives of people choosing to live with ED. Im going to try and make this blog as useful and relevant as possible for us, and encourage ideas and contributions from others, once anyone other than me starts reading this =) That's all for now, new posts to come!

LM