"For some, love fades; for others love is simply lost"

   What is funny is that when I first thought of writing this post, I had thought that a post not having to do with weight or food might be a refreshing divergence of my train of thought. Then, when I actually sat down to write it and thought about what to say, I realized that this still, at its core, has EVERYTHING to do with weight and food. So the story goes.
   I could write a dissertation's worth of background information and explanations, but I will spare you 10 years worth of history. In short, I've only ever been in love one time, with one person. In true cliche fashion, I fell in love with them in the seventh grade before I even knew what love was, and stayed in love with them the rest of my life. I've dated others briefly in that time, but never let anyone get too close. I've always kept my relationships very shallow, because (as terrible as it sounds) I've always known going into it that it wasn't going to last.
   Well, my love, henceforth to be referred to as "J" (clever, I know) and I have had quite a Romeo & Juliet journey, with various obstacles throughout the years keeping one or both of us from being able to be in a relationship...with anyone, let alone with each other. However, about 3 years ago it had finally seemed like the stars were aligning for us. I truly, perhaps stupidly, thought that we would finally be together. What ensued was pretty heartbreaking, and its difficult for me to think about it. We basically got incredibly close, exchanged mutual feelings of unrequited love for each other, and were on the brink of finally beginning a romantic relationship.
   Yet, despite having shared things with J that I'd never even considered discussing with anyone else, and having this feeling of "kindred souls," there was one thing that I couldn't bring myself to disclose, and that was my eating disorder. We had a mutual acquaintance that had struggled with bulimia and gone to treatment, and whom we happened to not particularly like, and J always thought it was funny to joke about. I callously laughed along, and even made some of my own jokes at her expense, all the while telling myself that I could never, ever let my own ED be known.
   J had a family history of mental illness, as do I, and it was always an area that we both bonded over but were very sensitive about at the same time. In addition to my struggles with food, I've been diagnosed with various other *things* over the years, some that I believe and others that I don't. One of them happens to be the same thing that J's father suffers from, and because of that, J had/has a lot of negative and painful memories associated with it in childhood. I realized that no matter how much I loved J, it wasn't fair of me to not disclose information about myself that could potentially be a source of very big problems in the future.
   So, as I am prone to do, and can't really justify, I completely fell off the face of the earth with no explanation whatsoever. I stopped returning J's calls, blocked their AIM account, stopped all e-mails and text messages...just went from spending at least 4 hours of every day with each other to no contact at all in span of 24 hours. Then I put myself in treatment. After about a month in treatment, I finally got up the nerve to call J and explain myself. When I did, I was met with so much more understanding than I ever imagined. J even dropped everything and traveled 5 hours the next day to visit me. I thought everything was finally going to be OK.
   Well, treatment wasn't exactly the magical quick-fix that J had hoped it would be, and once I got out, I think J thought I would be "cured." But as I continued to have daily struggles, and because now I felt like I could finally talk about it, more and more of our conversations came to, at least in part, involve my ED, therapy, meds, etc. Like a lot of brothers and sisters out there struggling not only with ED but other issues, I have been and still am very resistant to medication, which became a really big source of disagreement between us, mostly because of the awful things J's father had done while unmedicated.
   We had been growing more and more distant, and finally about a year ago I ODed in the bathroom of a bar and was hospitalized for the third time in about a 6-month period, which was then followed by being Baker Acted to a pysch ward. I called from there crying, asking J to please come visit me.

"No."

   That one simple word, and I knew that it was over. I realized that this was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. When I got out, I tried for weeks to reach J. Nothing...the tables had certainly turned, and it really sucked being on that side of a communication cut-off.
   Its now been almost exactly a year since we last spoke. I try not to think about it, and for the most part I like to think that I've at least partially gotten over it. I've moved on in a lot of ways: I no longer spend entire days crying in a fetal position thinking about J, I don't spend hours in bed at night thinking about all the "what if's" anymore, I finally stopped expecting J to have a sudden change of heart and remorsefully contact me, and I've largely accepted that it just wasn't meant to be.
   Well, of course once I finally reached sort of a healthy mindset regarding what went down with J, I sign into my e-mail account yesterday to find...what? An e-mail from J. No subject. Just J's e-mail address in the "sender" section, staring at me. After all the progess I thought I had made, just seeing J's name and e-mail address made my heart completely skip a beat. I came close to bursting into tears as my mind screamed "FINALLY!!!!!!"
   I briefly fantasized about what it would say, whether or not J was even still in town, if there would be an apology, maybe a peace-offering coffee date? Want to know what it said?

N

o

t

h

i

n

g

   Nothing. An empty e-mail with nothing but a link that wouldn't load. I've come to the conclusion that it was probably just some stupid spam from J's account getting hacked or something. Sigh. I'm such a fucking idiot.
   You know what the saddest part is? That I've been dealing with this by stopping all eating, and spending all my free time exercising. The same fucking bullshit that made me lose J to begin with. Somewhere in my twisted mind I still think, if I can just get thin enough, if I can just be pretty enough, if I can just prove that I'm good at SOMETHING...maybe someone will love me again one day.
   One of my favorite movies is "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz. I know, its really cheesy. I just love Kate Winslet's character so much, and I know the movie pretty much word-for-word. The title of this post is something she says while narrating. The full quotation is:

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love.

True story.

LM

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Tips and Tricks

   I've actually been really hesitant about writing this post. As a person living with an eating disorder, I know that I always appreciate learning new tips and tricks here and there that I may not have thought of, however, I worry that it is a very fine line between sharing ideas with others that already have an ED and possibly encouraging or helping those without one to develop one.

   So, I'll just reiterate some of the things I said in my first post. This blog is not PRO Ana or PRO Mia in the sense that I am not trying to glamorize eating disorders or encourage others to develop one. This is not intended for insecure teenagers obsessed with Mary Kate Olsen who want to "lose weight." An ED is NOT a diet. With that being said, I still think that for those of us NOT in recovery, we should be able to talk to each other and share our experiences without worrying about being judged for our actions and attitudes.

   OK, I feel a little better about posting these after typing that. Especially because, lets face it, for those of us who have been living with ED...most of this information will not be new. But I always like reading other people's "Tips and Tricks" because every now and then there is something I hadn't thought of. I'll read a list of 25 tips, and I may have known about 24 of them...but learning just that one new one is really cool sometimes.

Drumroll, please...

~Tips and Tricks~

*Always carry sugar free mints and gum to help with hunger pangs and cover bad breath from purging or ketosis

*Cut all your food into as small pieces as you possibly can. Everything, even lettuce. The cutting will keep you focused and aware of how much you put in your mouth, and it will make whatever you are eating last MUCH longer.

*Never pour dressing on salad unless it is zero calorie, just have it on the side and dip your fork into it before grabbing the lettuce, you get the taste without all the extra cals.

*Always try to eat something for breakfast to start up and boost your metabolism, just don't go overboard. I like to keep it between 100-150 cals.

*Drink lots of water and green tea, it helps flush your system and boosts metabolism so you can burn more calories throughout the day.

*Try to drink everything ICE COLD, your system has to work harder to burn the calories

*When you are bingeing, try to start with something healthy and very recognizable, that way if it gets absorbed its not the worst food you ate and you'll know when you got everything up. I'm a big fan of carrots.

*Drink a TON of liquids when bingeing, everything will come up SO much easier and faster. Just don't drink a ton of high-calorie liquid...even though you're purging you don't need the extra cals to get absorbed in the meantime. Stick with water and zero-calorie/5 cal stuff like those powdered Crystal Light or flavored water.

*I never use my fingers to purge, it can create tell-tale marks. I always use the end of a toothbrush or the round end of a piece of silver wear.

*It helps to switch up the kind of method for purging, so that you don't get too used to any one way and stop reacting to it. For example, one way that always gets the food to start coming up for me is to try to breath in WHILE touching my gag reflex, its almost instantaneous. But I tried only ever doing that for about a week once, and soon it didn't work anymore. Another thing that always works for me is sticking whatever I'm using AS FAR BACK AS IT WILL GO, and then lightly pulling it up and forward at the same time, so that it brushes over, almost tickles, the back of my throat and gag reflex. One other method that usually works for me is very rapidly jabbing the instrument down my throat, but along my tongue so that you are not stabbing your throat in a "straight back" way but very quickly going almost up and down along your tongue and down your throat. Alternating these three has worked best for me,

*Once I'm done bingeing, I'll do my first purge. I like to think of that as my first, practice round. Once I get everything that is going to come up out, I go back and drink some more. My favorite thing to drink is half crystal light, half club soda. Then I jump up and down for about a minute, and then I do sort of a head stand for another minute, but I lean against a chair or the wall. This kind of shakes everything up and the carbonation from the club soda helps SO MUCH! Then I go for my second round, and like magic a ton more always comes up than I even thought was left. When nothing will come up anymore, do it one more time.

*As soon as you are finally done purging, drink some green tea. It will sooth your stomach and esophagus and also provide some antioxidants and caffeine, and beccause you are totally empty, it will get absorbed more quickly.

*The worst food to binge on is anything HOT or SPICY...it HURTS LIKE A BITCH coming up! I've read that a lot of other people have problems with peanut butter or starches, but I have personally found that if I use enough liquid I can purge ANYTHING without a problem EXCEPT SPICY FOOD! Even that, I CAN purge...its just so painful that its almost not worth it. I've had one too many bad experiences with that, so much so that now if I eat something spicy....I'm running and swimming that shit off, not purging it.

*If you're into drinking alcohol or smoking pot, DRINK A LOT OF WATER AND EAT SOMETHING BEFOREHAND. Otherwise...you'll be munching like nobody's business, and when you are drunk or high the likelihood of remembering to effectively purge everything before passing out is slim to none. So if you drink a lot of water and eat something before, you'll be less hungry and less likely to give into temptation when you have less control and judgement.

*When I'm really hungry and on the verge of bingeing, sometimes I'll give myself activities to do and say "you can eat when you finish this." Then, when you finish it, do the same thing again with something else. Keep going as long as you can, and usually the desire will subside AND you get a sense of satisfaction from the self control you exercised.

*Don't take escalators or elevators, always take the stairs, no matter how heavy your bag is or how much you're carrying or how high your heels are. Every bit helps, and it all helps with your overall feeling of accomplishment.

*I've read a lot of tips along the lines of buying clothes too tight or wearing a tight belt to make you more aware of your size, what size you want to be, and how much you've eaten. But for me, I hate walking around looking and feeling like I'm bulging everywhere. It may work for some people, but for me, it actually increases the liklihood that I'll break and binge because it makes me feel insecure and hopeless. INSTEAD, what I do is wear something really loose, flowy, or baggy on top (Like a loose dress, big sweatshirt, etc) and then wear something tight underneath, like skin tight leggings or jeans, and that way you get the subtle reminder you need to watch what you eat and be careful, but its just for you and no one else can see it.

*Reward yourself when you reach milestone goal weights. Donate clothes that are too big to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or whatever organization you like. That way they aren't there anymore for you to allow yourself to be that size again, and you can go shopping for something new.

*I've never really been into music or songs that are explicitly about EDs, but I do have a playlist that I go to when I need motivation. Whatever works for you, mine is mostly broadway musical solos, ballads, some Mariah, some Beyonce, some Mary J, some Regina Spektor....that sort of thing. Whatever floats your boat, but it really does help get you to the next level when you need to be on your own planet.

*This is going to sound like a no-brainer, but don't keep binge foods in the house. That way if you really want them, you have to actually get up, get out of the house, into your car, and go get them. That way you can minimize binges to only when you REALLY REALLY want them instead of just when you are stressed or bored. It seriously took me years to realize what a big difference this made. I used to buy them  and think I had the self control to just NOT eat them...but I don't. Never will.

*Always carry hand sanitizer and perfume...sometimes it's not just your breath that smells like vomit, the smell can stay on your hands and clothes, too.

*If you are out in public and it is really apparent that you have taken too long in the bathroom, come out and go to the nearest girl and act really annoyed that you got your period and you don't have anything with you and ask if she has a pad or tampon, it pretty much immediately erases whatever they THOUGHT you might be doing, as long as you don't smell like vomit.

*Add Miralax to all of your liquids. Its supposed to be about a capful for every 8 ounce glass, so I make 2 litre pitchers and mix accordingly. You can't taste it at all, and then its already in there for the next couple days. Helps with digestion and keeps you from getting bloated and constipated, which is the WORST. Its by far the most gentle, mild and natural laxative out there. In fact, it was the only one that they let me have when I was in treatment. That's how you know its legit, lol.

*If you are really in a pinch, baking soda mixed with water will make you throw up, and epsom salt mixed with water works as a laxative. Both of them you just need like a tablespoon for an 8 oz glass. Both of them also taste like shit.

*If your throat gets really raw or sore from purging, I've found that taking 1/2 cup of light vanilla soy milk (only 40 cal) and blending it with a 1/2 cup ice into almost a slushy consistency is incredibly soothing. 

That's all I've got for now, if I think of anything else I'll be sure to post it!

LM

Good News!

   First off I'd just like to thank those of you who have subscribed to follow my blog! It really means a lot to not just be mindlessly rambling to myself all the time-plus it was such a welcome surprise when I came back from Wisconsin to see that I had gone from zero to eight followers! Sometimes, its the little things in life...
   Well, I finally found the time to run to Walgreens for some of those little disc shaped batteries for my scale...can you tell how technologically inclined I am by the fact that I have no idea what else to call them? Anyway, the good news is I DID NOT gain any weight while I was away, and am in fact down to 105 lbs! A couple days late, but welcome news nonetheless!
   I'm going to try to start posting some pictures, but I lost the battery for my camera in Wisconsin, rendering the lens unable to retract and the camera unable to turn on. I just ordered a new one on eBay. (Are we seeing a pattern here with my luck relating to batteries?) It should be here in 4-7 days, then I can take pics of the scale and some body shots to try and keep a better record.
   Short and sweet for now, will be able to make a longer post later, I'm compiling some tips and tricks, since that seems to be a staple of all the blogs in this genre. But I'm trying not to be completely redundant, and actually have some stuff that I haven't read anywhere else before. Ciao for now!

LM

Back in Town

   I'm finally home after an exhausting week in Wisconsin. I would pretty much kill to have those 6 days back, as now I have more work to do than ever and less time! The whole time I was out of town I kept telling myself that it was going to be OK, and that I would finish everything when I got back...HA! What a joke. I now have so much just piled up from being put off that I don't know how I'm going to finish it all by this weekend. And to make things worse, my parents are visiting this Sunday, which means I have to MAJORLY clean and pretend that I live like a functioning human being.
   As for food and weight, I was overall pretty happy with how I did for 6 days, although I know I could have had more self control in a couple of instances. I brought my own food with me for travel so that I wouldn't buy/eat airport food, so that helped a lot. I can't say that everyone else's pizza and fries didn't smell outrageously delicious as I ate my celery sticks and carrots, but what can you do.
   While I was actually there, in the hotel and at the event, it was kind of impossible to carry around celery and carrots, as it was a very hectic schedule from 8am to 9pm every night, and I was already carrying so much...I had my gigantic tote that is half my size, so that I could have a change of shoes and clothes, along with my laptop, camera, chargers/cords, planner...it was packed. Then I also had a visual aid case, which is basically a giant tripod/easel thing that the visuals for my presentation rest on. Basically...lots of shit. No room for baggies of food and little cups of dressing, not to mention what a disaster it would have been if any food had spilled on something important.
   Nevertheless, I tried very hard to be good. The organization holding the event gave everyone a card with $35 on it to use for lunch everyday, and there were some TERRIBLE options! Typical food-court crap: greasy pizza, hamburgers, cheese fries, chinese...luckily there was a sub place where I could just get nothing but vegetables and vinegar on a wheat sub. I got that every day, never adding cheese and always taking the top half of the roll off and eating the rest with a fork. I wish I had been strong enough to not get the roll entirely and just have the veggies in a bowl, like what I do at Subway...but I was so exhausted and hungry by lunch time each day that I let myself rationalize half a roll.
   We also had gone to a Target the night we got into town and got some groceries to keep in the fridge at our hotel, so I had bought some soy milk and some granola, which is what I had each morning before leaving. Thank god the hotel didn't have bowls, and I just poured a little bit in one of the water cups, or else I would have definitely eaten too much. For dinners each night we had the option of just going back to the hotel and each figuring it out individually, or going to dinner together at a restaurant. Almost every night we chose to just go back to the hotel, which was great, because then I either didn't eat or just ate the fruit and veggies I had in the fridge. The one night we did go out, I ordered this spinach wrap that was (thankfully) terrible, so I only had about 4 bites out of it. I did, however, have a vodka club soda, which was sort of cheating but DAMN did I need a drink after that day.
   The worst thing I ate the whole trip were some cheese fries that someone offered me. I dipped them in ketchup, which is a condiment I haven't even TASTED in SO LONG! I had forgotten how much I love ketchup...too bad its nothing but sugar. My biggest "trigger" was being out of town on Easter Sunday, which the event organizers felt compelled to compensate for by having candy and chocolate and egg-shaped cookies FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!! I cheated with a few Reese's Pieces and a cookie, but then I went to a bathroom and purged because it dawned on me that I had NO IDEA what was in that cookie, and it had been really thick and covered in green icing...which is NEVER good.
   I'm a pretty good judge of whether I've gained, lost, or maintained my weight...I can always just feel the slightest differences. Coming home I felt relatively confident that I had not gained any weight, but as luck would have it the batteries to my scale died while I was gone. They are those round-disc batteries that I don't just have laying around, so I haven't been able to weigh myself since I got back...which is a little unnerving.
   I'm in the office now, but I'll pick some up on my way home so that I can get an accurate reading tonight. I had been pretty proud of myself for only purging twice while away and managing to (for the most part) keep to a really low-calorie diet each day, trying to never go above 500 cal. Although I didn't get to hit a gym while I was gone, the walking between building and up stairs carrying all that shit ALL DAY LONG in HEELS did a pretty good number on me. With any luck I'll be down to 105 (as per my April 5th goal) and if not, I will hopefully have at least not gained anything.
   Since being back, I haven't really eaten much at all. I've been so stressed with all this catch-up work and pretty close to a panic attack at any given moment, that I haven't really been able to think about food. It was a friend's birthday dinner last night, which I really didn't want to go to but went anyway to be polite...I ordered an entree that came with soup and dessert, all of which were delicious, but that I purged as soon as I got home. Usually I go out of my way to get every possible bit of food out when I purge, taking drinks and doing various jumping exercises in between...but since it was all I'd eaten in two days I was too exhausted after the first purge to go back and do my second and third go-rounds.
   Got to get back to the endless pile of work I have to do, but it felt good to take a little break and process some stuff. Will give weight update after I buy replacement batteries tonight.

LM

Travel Anxiety!

   Well, I'm leaving on a trip to Wisconsin in about...ohhhh 4 hours, and I'll be gone for about six days. I've been incredibly stressed and nervous about this trip for a lot of reasons, but two of the biggest ones (surprise, surprise...) involve weight and food. The trip requires that I wear a suit almost every day, and about a month ago I bought a new suit just for this trip and had it tailored to fit me like a glove and kind of create the illusion of an hourglass shape. I was sick of comments from people about how my suits were too big on me or how I looked like I was playing dress up. Anyway, I'm making this way too long of an explanation. The point is that I was at close to my lowest weight when I had it tailored, about 101 lbs, and since then I've gained weight!! I was so happy to be under 105 again, and then I fucked up and started drinking alcohol again...which led to (in addition to the empty drink calories) a few late night binges that I didn't get to purge because I passed out.  So I'm kind of FREAKING OUT that my suit isn't even going to BUTTON and I'm just going to look like a giant, bulging, disgusting mess.

   On top of that, eating the food I'm comfortable eating is really difficult when I go out of town, and always gives me some anxiety. But usually my trips are between 2-3 days, and I have a pretty down-pat routine: One day, I just let people see me eat some salad or fruit-whichever is provided-around lunch time and then either just order another salad for dinner or a plate of steamed broccoli. I got some strange looks the first time everyone saw me do that, but since I'm a vegetarian its a little easier to explain away. The second day, I avoid everyone at meal times and don't eat anything, and if anyone asks where I was I tell them that I was doing work. THEN, when we all go out to dinner together, I binge and EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT! Appetizers, wine, pasta, dessert-the works! Then when we get back to the hotel I say that I have to make a "personal phone call" and use the bathroom in the lobby to purge, so that the bathroom in our room won't smell. 

   It's not exactly rocket science, but it has kept everyone from knowing about my eating disorder, which I am a fan of. The problem is, that works when you're only gone for 2 or maybe 3 three days...but SIX DAYS?! Shit. I feel like there is no way to pull that for six days without anyone getting suspicious. So I called the hotel and asked if they have fridges in the rooms, which they do, so now I'm thinking I'm going to bring a bunch of my own food to have with me, which I'm thinking that because its Passover I can get away with because no one else knows what the fuck you can and can't eat on Passover. 

   Anyway, I've just been so stressed out about this trip that all I want to do is binge on comfort food, but I know that I can't because I need my suit to fit and I've been working so hard the past week to lose weight before leaving. WELL...my roommate's mother sent her a GIANT CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF CHOCOLATES for Easter!!! And when she opened it, she opened every single bag and had one of each kind, then just LEFT THEM ON THE KITCHEN TABLE and said "have as much as you want!" Well, GD!!! I somehow miraculously managed to keep from eating them the past three days, but tonight I was about to have a panic attack about the trip-not only because of what I just explained, but in addition to those personal issues I also just am not nearly as prepared for this as I should be and have SO MUCH work to do and finish before my presentation is anywhere near the level it should be...UGH just typing it is making my heart race...I should be researching and finishing work not writing this blog...but I just needed a break from looking at that stuff! 

  Well, I wanted to eat every last morsel out of all SIX of her bags of chocolate when I got home tonight. But I kept trying to tell myself that it would throw away all my hard work this week...but I wanted them SO BADLY! What did I do? I took one piece from every bag, unwrapped them, stood over the kitchen sink and chewed them all one by one and spit them out. After each bite I rinsed and gargled to make sure there wasn't any "residue" to absorb through my gums or something before moving on to the next one. The whole process took about 15-20 minutes as each piece had about 3 bites in it.

   But as I was standing over my kitchen sink, spitting chewing and spitting chocolate down the garbage disposal, I had two thoughts. First, that I was so proud of myself for having the self control to not binge on all the candy and what a smart idea it was of me to just chew and spit it, instead. Second, what a fucked up thing to think my first thought was. There I was, chewing delicious chocolate that I wanted to eat so badly, spitting it out and into a drain, rinsing and gargling with water, and then repeating about 18 times...and then thinking that I had SO MUCH SELF-CONTROL!! 

   Ya, like people who are in control do this shit! I realized how completely backwards my relationship with food is: it controls me, I don't control it. I remember being told that in treatment one time, but since I didn't want to be there in the first place and was a little resentful, I pretty much just ignored it. But damn, I could hear that bitch's voice in my ear tonight! Shit...I really have to stop doing this now and get back to work and print stuff out. Just needed a venting break. More like a journaling break, since the only one listening/reading is me lol. Aight-party's over.

LM

Add some spice to your life!

   I realized that I left out some important ingredients in my last post, and they are SEASONINGS! After the dissertation I wrote yesterday, though, I'm going to try and make this a relatively short post. I know that spices, seasonings, marinades, sauces, etc can be a bit of a touchy subject for the ED community. On one end of the spectrum, there are those who absolutely refuse to put any kind of flavoring into anything they prepare; and on the other side, there are some who "sabotage" their food, so to speak, and over-season/over-flavor it in order to render it unenjoyable or inedible.
   I'm not going to go into a discussion about either of those extremes right now-maybe in a later post. All I'm going to say is that, for me, bland food is just about the worst thing in the world. I kind of have this attitude of...I don't really want to eat in the first place-so if I'm going to ingest food and calories, it better damn well taste good and be worth my while! Obviously, if it is a binge and I know I'm going to purge right afterwards, it's a little different. But, I digress. Here is a list of spices, seasonings, marinades and sauces that I use that have very little to no calories in them, but make a huge difference in helping my food taste better.
   Wherever possible, the links bring you to the product and nutrition information. If there was not a page for the nutrition info, then the link will bring to to the manufacturer/company's product page. If there was no official product page, then the link brings you to a retailer that sells it. Everything on here I buy in Publix. =)

*Newman's Own Pineapple Salsa--15 cal/2 tbsp

*Taco Bell Restaurant Sauce--o cal

*Wish Bone Salad Spritzers in Balsamic Breeze, Raspberry Bliss, and Ceasar--1 cal/1 spray

*Wish Bone Fat Free Italian Dressing--15 cal/2 tbsp

*Hidden Valley FAT FREE Original Ranch Dressing-- 30 cal/2 tbsp

*I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Spray, Original--0 cal

*Spice World Select Lemon & Pepper Seasoning Salt--0 cal

*Pomi Strained Tomatoes--30 cal/half cup

*White House Apple Cider Vinegar--0 cal

*Regina Fine Red Wine Vinegar--0 cal

There you have it, my favorite low and zero calorie seasonings, dressings, spices, etc! These are real life savers when food tastes too bland! 

LM

What I'm Doing Now

   OK, so over the years I've tried pretty much every diet out there, and every "quick-fix," and a whole shit load of pills that I hoped would be magical. I've also over-exercised, exercised regularly, and not exercised at all while dieting, in addition of course to doing all of the above + bingeing/purging.

   Every time something new comes out or hits the market, I always try it to see if it is any better than what I'm doing at the time, or if I can learn any new tips/tricks from it. In fact, one of my future posts will be a review of products I've tried, which will hopefully be helpful for anyone trying to figure out what to spend their money on. However, with a few exceptions, I almost always end up going back to what I'm doing currently-which is basically my own sort of combination of foods, drinks, pills, and exercise that I've had the most success with as far as losing the most weight the fastest. So here it is:

Food

   Basically, I only eat what they call "negative-calorie" foods (when not bingeing, obvi), with a few calculated exceptions. For a list of these foods and the best article/explanation I've found, click here. Out of the list, my personal preferences are for celery, cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes, broccoli, lettuce, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon, and grapefruit. Although the article does a much better job of explaining the science than I can-the basic idea is that these are foods that burn more calories to digest them than there are calories in them. 

   The exceptions that I have are: egg whites, 2% cheddar cheese singles, Luna bars, caramel-flavored rice snacks, Werther's Sugar Free Hard Candies , and Sicilian-style pitted olives. As I said before, these are calculated exceptions. Here is my reasoning for them: 

(1) Egg whites- a big mistake that a lot of people make when they are trying to lose weight, especially if they are ana/mia, is not eating breakfast. However, you will lost more weight faster if you do eat something for breakfast, as it will jump start your metabolism so that you can burn calories more efficiently during the rest of the day. Now, I could just eat breakfast with some of the negative-calorie fruits, but I have found that getting in some protein in the morning helps me have more stamina for exercise. The greatest thing about egg whites is that they have very little calories but a lot of protein. There are 25 calories in 1/4 cup, so I usually have a half a cup in the mornings, which is 50 cal. 

(2) 2% Kraft Sharp Cheddar Cheese Singles- I really don't use these very often, one pack usually lasts me until they expire. BUT I like always having them around incase the food I'm eating just isn't cutting it for me in terms of flavor or satisfaction. If I'm on the verge of bingeing, sometimes making egg whites or broccoli and melting a piece or two of cheese into them will make me feel as though I've splurged or had a treat, without completely throwing me off track. At 50 cal per piece, its worth it if it keeps me from going out and buying $50 worth of junk food. 

(3) Luna bars- same basic idea as the cheese, except that they are more portable. I don't eat them every day, but always keep one with me incase of a sudden craving for junk food, or incase I unexpectedly find myself having to be in a food court-type area, or someone brings/orders delivery to work or social gathering and the smell is really making me want to eat it. At 180 cal per bar with flavors like "Peanut Butter Cookie," and "Caramel Nut Brownie," not only are they much better than pizza,  chinese, french fries, etc--but Luna bars also have 9g protein and 3g fiber. And if I'm going to have an extra 180 cal, I'd rather they not be "empty," and at least offer valuable nutrients in boosting metabolism. 

(4) Publix Fat Free Caramel Rice Snacks- while the cheese and Luna bars are sort of "emergency" alternatives to possible bingeing, these delicious little mini cakes are part of my every day diet. I've found that when I try to not eat anything sweet at all, I'm much more prone to bingeing. Sometimes fruit can satisfy a sweet tooth-but very rarely for me. I crave that sugary taste that caramel and chocolate give me. After trying tons of other stuff, I've found that these are both the best tasting, most filling, and lowest calorie. There are 60 cal in 7 pieces, and unlike things like crackers, chips, and even cookies (if they are the little ones) where its IMPOSSIBLE to JUST eat 7-the serving size for these is actually pretty perfect! And if I REALLY want more, usually another 3 will do it, rather than a whole other serving. 

(5) Werther's Original Sugar-Free Hard Candies in Caramel Coffee- most ana/mias know how helpful chewing sugar-free gum can be in curbing appetites. Due to a lot of issues with my teeth, however, including enamel erosion and cavities/fillings, I try to avoid gum as anything chewy can be painful sometimes. Instead, I just pop one of these babies when I'm hungry in between meals. There are 40 cal in 5 pieces, meaning there are 8 cal in 1 piece. Not too shabby. 

(6) Sicilian-Style Pitted Olives- there's really no big explanation for these. I pretty much just LOVE them, but they are pretty high in fat/cal. 2 olives = 20 cal, 15 from fat. Everyone needs a "splurge" item, and these are mine. I'm known to eat half a jar at a time when the craving hits me, but I figure they are still better than a pint or two of Phish Food. 

Drinks

   Unless I know I'm going to purge VERY QUICKLY after drinking them, the only non-alcoholic beverages I drink are: water, green tea, black coffee, Crystal Light, and laxative tea. Obviously, the first three have no calories in them as long as you don't alter them with sweetener/cream/milk etc. Crystal Light only has about 5 cal per serving, and is a great alternative to water if when I am craving more flavor. I use Traditional Medicinals brand Organic Smooth Move laxative tea, which has senna in it. It has 2 cal per serving, which in my book may as well be nothing-especially considering what it does for you. 

   I try not to put myself in situations where I'll be expected to drink alcohol, however, when they are unavoidable/inevitable I only order: vodka and club soda (100-200 cal depending on single or double) or MGD 64. I heard Budweiser recently came out with a beer with less than 64 cal, but I haven't tried it yet. MGD 64 doesn't taste like shit, though-and I suspect Bud's might. Sorry for the bias-was never a Budweiser fan lol. 

Pills/Aids

   Like I said earlier, I've tried just about everything out there. But I always end up going back to some combination of the following products: Cellucor D4 Extreme Weight Loss, Diurex Water Pills, 200mg caffeine pills, and saline enemas. 

(1) Cellucor D4 Extreme Weight Loss Pills- These are a little pricey, around $40-70 per bottle, depending on where you get them and whether or not you have a membership card. I get them at GNC for around $50 with my member card. They are actually just one type of pill in a set of four, I think, but this is the only one I buy. The others have different purposes like muscle building and stuff like that-but this is the only one I care about: weight loss. These pills are "fat-incinerating" adrenal agents that, in conjunction with exercise, releases stubborn fat and enhances caloric burn. I love them...enough to spend $50 on them, obviously. Each bottle has 120 pills, but you have to take 4 a day, 2 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon. 

(2) Diurex Water Pills (Original Formula)- These are super cheap and widely available over the counter at every drugstore I've ever been in. They are the mildest most effective diuretic I've ever used, and really do help a ton with bloating/water weight. I think they are like $5-6. 

(3) 200mg Caffeine Pills- I just buy the Walgreens/CVS brand, they are over $1 cheaper than the brand name and are EXACTLY the same. 200mg is 200mg. I use these to help me boost my metabolism, especially when coffee or tea isn't available. I just keep a bottle in my purse. Not to mention, they are great when you just need an extra boost of energy to keep you more focused and alert. 

(4) Fleet Saline Enemas- You have to be careful not to overdo these, as like harsher laxatives, enema abuse can cause some pretty serious problems. I try not to do more than 1 per week, but sometimes I'll feel like I have to use 2. For years I refused to ever try an enema, because the idea of them freaked me out and I thought it would be gross and hurt. However, I finally tried one last year while I was attempting this weird at-home colon cleanse liquid diet, and I was SHOCKED at how easy, comfortable, and quick they were! Ever since then I've integrated them into my regimen. 

Exercise

   Finally, there is exercise. When I first started working out, I only did cardio and I only used machines/did activities that I liked or were easy for me. Since then, though, I have discovered that I am much more willing to do a difficult activity or exercise that I don't particularly like or enjoy when it burns twice or three times as many calories as what I did before! Similarly, the fear that a lot of women have towards using weights (that it will bulk them up/make them heavier) was easily calmed for me once I realized that this will absolutely NOT HAPPEN as long as you use low enough weights. They are great for toning and sculpting target areas, and building muscle allows you to burn more calories. It would be really difficult for me to explain in writing all the exercises I do and how to do them, so below is a list of links. 

ShapeFit- This is a link to a list of cardio exercises that burn the most amount of calories. Swimming, running and jumping rope are the three I do most often, as they burn the most in the shortest time and work my body the hardest.

Fitclick- This is one of the best sites I've ever found! I was so happy when I stumbled across it! It is COMPLETELY FREE to register/sign up and has everything you could ever want in diet and exercise tools. There are food journals, calorie counters, calories burned calculators, recipes...and EVERY workout/exercise plan you can imagine! I only use it for the exercises, because to be honest...calorie counting is second nature for me, so I don't really need a special calculator for it. But the exercise plans are INCREDIBLE and they are thousands and thousands of videos or anything you want. My favorites for weights/toning are: "Pilates: 10 Minute Sculpting", "Stability Ball: Kneeling One-Arm Rows", "Weight Roll-Ups", "Squats: Body Weight," and "Best Way To Exercise: Modified Leg Lifts." Once you register, click "exercises" from the "Workout and Fitness" drop-down menu, then click any random workout video, and then when it comes up there will be a search box in the top right corner where you can type those titles in.

Whew! That was intense to write! It's weird though, because just remembering all that info and typing it out really gave me some much needed drive, and I feel sort of rejuvenated and more determined to reach my goal weight than I did when I started writing this! If anyone else reads this, I hope it is at least a little helpful and motivating for your own weight goals, and possibly even provided some new ideas and resources.

LM