Hola!
Just dropping a quick line to say today I'll be travelling all day and probably won't be able to post until either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depending on how late I end up getting in. I'm signed up for this super-cool 3-day long Rape Agression Defense class at my local Police Department, that is from 1-5 Wed, Thurs, and Fri. I'm really excited about it-but that will take up 4 hours in the middle of the day-so if I don't get a chance to post tonight, it probably won't be until after the class tomorrow! But I have lots of pics and cool stuff to post, that I am anxiously awaiting the free time for! Ciao!
LM
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Bittersweet
Hey all~ 
As per usual, this comes just in the knick of time for tonight! What I'm probably going to do is just post the scale and body pics real quick, so that they are up and done with, and then stay up writing a longer, more detailed post afterwards. At least, that's the plan at the moment.
You may have gathered by the title that there are both good and bad feelings involved with today's results. On the plus side, I did somehow miraculously manage to get down to 105-which is a helluva lot better than 109. However, my goal weight for today HAD been 103, and that didn't happen. Also, my parents' scale is a little...what's the word...hmm...SHITTIER than mine, so it doesn't show fractions of a pound, so I don't know if I'm closer to 104 or 106.
The pictures themselves are also bittersweet for me, because in some areas I'm starting to see a bit of a difference, while in others I'm just NOT! For example, you'll notice that I've included an additional picture in this post: one of my collar bone. I've always just done the front and side views, but today I was feeling particularly happy with my collar bone area, and for the first time thought that it was actually starting to become more pronounced, which made me really happy. On the other hand, I continue to be frustrated with the complete LACK of any difference in my giant stomach! Of course, I understand that I didn't lose any weight this week, and that in the pictures I'm about .8lbs heavier than last Monday's pics, so I souldn't have expected any big difference. It's still frustrating, though, since my stomach/hips/thighs are the areas I'm most self-conscious about. Leave it to me to lose weight just from my tits and neck, lol!
OK, it's picture time-say cheese!
Note the inferior technology
Front:
And yes, I did forget to shave under my arms. My bad.
Side:
I blurred out the arm stubble in this one, lol.
Collar Bone:
Sorry about how disgusting the bathroom mirror is! =(
That's all for now-with about a quarter of an hour to spare! More intense posting to come!
LM
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Being Home is No Holiday!
Hey there, everyone!
I got to my parents' place today, and finally got up the nerve to get on a scale for the first time since my birthday, which was Tuesday. As you know, the night before I had managed to get down just under 105lbs after a whole weekend of fasting and exercising. That felt SO good!
The morning of my birthday, I let myself have a breakfast of 1/4cup egg whites (25cal) and 1 Fiber One yogurt (50cal). Even though it was a breakfast of only 75cal, it was incredibly difficult for me to make myself eat anything after the 3 days of fasting. But, I knew that my friends were taking me out to a great restaurant for dinner that night, and that I wanted to try and enjoy that birthday dinner as much as possible-which meant not making my first bite of dinner my first bite in nearly 4 days. I wanted to gradually build up to it so it wouldn't be impossible to do. Later for lunch I had 1 Wasa Crsipbread (45cal) with 1 Laughing Cow French Onion Light Spreadable Cheese Wedge (35cal) and some Spicy Olive topping (15cal), meaning I managed to keep my breakfast and lunch a little under 200cal. After lunch I worked out for about 1 1/2 hours, did about 45 minutes (400cal) on the treadmill, then did 2 miles on the stationary bike (which actually burns way less calories than you would think...the machine only said like 22cal when I was done!) and some free weights for my arms.
I was feeling pretty confident that I'd done enough to allow myself to indulge for my birthday dinner. And indulge I did. I had an appetizer of Mushroom Crostinis, which were little pita triangles covered in gorgonzola cheese, olive oil, sauteed onions and Portobello mushrooms...they were TO DIE FOR! But, the plate came with four of them, and I only ate two and gave the rest away. THEN I had a Caprese salad, which was four giant, thick slices of tomatoes topped with equally giant, think slices of mozzerella, with basil and balsamic vinegar. ALSO ridiculously good, and again, I had two of the four and gave the rest away. Here comes the worst of it: Entree and Dessert. Oh yes...it was bad. For dinner I chose the Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce (which was EXACTLY as mind-blowingly amazing as it sounds) and for dessert I had the chocolate layer cake. With the tortellini, I asked for a to-go box and put half of it away before I started eating, so that I wouldn't eat more than half. With the cake, I only had two bites and then passed it around the table for everyone to try...between the 7 of us, it wasn't hard to get everyone else to eat it. Still, though...compared to the 3 1/2 days before that meal, which was nothing + 170cal-that meal was BEYOND sinful. It was so awesome though, that I just kept telling myself "It's your BIRTHDAY! You're allowed to have this one great meal with your friends!" and "You can work it off the rest of the week!"
What I hadn't really thought of or accounted for, however, when I made my weight-loss goals and schedule, was that literally the VERY NEXT MORNING after my birthday, I was leaving to visit my friend until today...and that RIGHT from her place, I was coming to see my parents until Tuesday. The reason this is such a problem, is that as most of you know, it is infinitely more difficult to stick as rigidly to your diet and exercise routines in front of other people, especially if those other people know about your ED and are hypersensitive to everything to do with food and exercise. I wasn't too bad while I was at my friend's...the worst thing I ate was some vegetable fried rice, and I only had about 1/2 cup. But the problem was, even though I wasn't going crazy and eating like a madwoman-I wasn't getting in my normal amount of exercise. The 45 minutes of floor exercise and ab work I was able to squeeze in before she woke up in the mornings was really nothing compared to what I was doing before I left. I wanted to weigh myself SO BADLY so that I could get my bearings and try and evaluate how many lbs my birthday dinner had cost me and how far I had to go till my next Monday weigh in...but she doesn't own a freaking scale! UGH
Like I said in the beginning of this post, I finally did get to a scale today...and it was so depressing that I think it was borderline traumatic. 109lbs. You know that moment when you step on a scale, and you KNOW you've gained weight, but you're hoping it's only a little bit, or within a certain range? Like, I was silently praying and wishing to myself in my head "Please don't be over 107, please don't be over 107..." over and over again. When that 109 popped up, I almost fainted I was so heartbroken. I went into my room and just sat on the bed rocking back and forth, crying, on the verge of hyperventilating. My initial thought after I calmed down a bit, was that last weekend I went from 110.6 to 104.2 in only 3 days, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could go from 109 to 103 by Monday night.
The problem is, last weekend I was at my own apartment, with my own privacy and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I was able to eat nothing, exercise to my heart's content...and even do hot yoga (for which there is NOT a studio where my parents live!). Now I'm home, and although my parents don't exactly watch me 24/7, and we don't really sit down for meals together unless we're dining out...it is still extremely hard for me to hide eating nothing from them. Eventually, I get asked "When was the last time you ate?" or "What did you have for ________?" PLUS, in addition to fasting being so impossible when I'm home, I don't have access to the same exercise equipment and studios that I do where I live. I already said there's no Hot Yoga studio here, but at my apartment I have a 24 hour gym, and here...well, I don't. Which means anything I want to do for exercise I'll have to either do behind closed doors in my room, or try to escape for long enough to actually run a few miles or go to a park.
The only thing I ate today was dinner at this little Italian place my parents love-which was good, but super fattening and calorie packed...which is why I purged it as soon as we got home. I was a little nervous they would catch on, but luckily my dad was tired and went to bed and my mom went to run some errands, so I was able to just purge undeterred for like 20 minutes in the bathroom. I've been drinking a ton of tea and water, and took double the amount of fiber supplements, trying to force my body to eliminate some of the water weight and cleanse out what I can. Going to go for a run in the morning before my parents wake up-Sunday is the only day that both of them have off, so they always sleep in-which will let me be gone for a solid 2 hours or so before they get up.
Basically, I'm going to try my best to do everything I can to get my weight as low as possible by Monday night-but I'm not overly optimistic that I'm going to be able to reach my 103 goal. Right now I kind of just hope I can get it down to at least 105 or so, so that when I get back to MY LIFE on Tuesday, I can spend the whole week instead of just a weekend doing whatever I have to do to reach my next goal.
Sorry this was so long, but I hadn't been able to sit down and write a reall post in a few days. Thanks so much for reading and your support! Special shout out to Liz for always hitting me up with great comments =) Wish me luck for tomorrow and Monday, I'll post Monday night with my weekly update and pics--no matter how dismal they are. Good night, and stay strong!
LM
I got to my parents' place today, and finally got up the nerve to get on a scale for the first time since my birthday, which was Tuesday. As you know, the night before I had managed to get down just under 105lbs after a whole weekend of fasting and exercising. That felt SO good!
The morning of my birthday, I let myself have a breakfast of 1/4cup egg whites (25cal) and 1 Fiber One yogurt (50cal). Even though it was a breakfast of only 75cal, it was incredibly difficult for me to make myself eat anything after the 3 days of fasting. But, I knew that my friends were taking me out to a great restaurant for dinner that night, and that I wanted to try and enjoy that birthday dinner as much as possible-which meant not making my first bite of dinner my first bite in nearly 4 days. I wanted to gradually build up to it so it wouldn't be impossible to do. Later for lunch I had 1 Wasa Crsipbread (45cal) with 1 Laughing Cow French Onion Light Spreadable Cheese Wedge (35cal) and some Spicy Olive topping (15cal), meaning I managed to keep my breakfast and lunch a little under 200cal. After lunch I worked out for about 1 1/2 hours, did about 45 minutes (400cal) on the treadmill, then did 2 miles on the stationary bike (which actually burns way less calories than you would think...the machine only said like 22cal when I was done!) and some free weights for my arms.
I was feeling pretty confident that I'd done enough to allow myself to indulge for my birthday dinner. And indulge I did. I had an appetizer of Mushroom Crostinis, which were little pita triangles covered in gorgonzola cheese, olive oil, sauteed onions and Portobello mushrooms...they were TO DIE FOR! But, the plate came with four of them, and I only ate two and gave the rest away. THEN I had a Caprese salad, which was four giant, thick slices of tomatoes topped with equally giant, think slices of mozzerella, with basil and balsamic vinegar. ALSO ridiculously good, and again, I had two of the four and gave the rest away. Here comes the worst of it: Entree and Dessert. Oh yes...it was bad. For dinner I chose the Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce (which was EXACTLY as mind-blowingly amazing as it sounds) and for dessert I had the chocolate layer cake. With the tortellini, I asked for a to-go box and put half of it away before I started eating, so that I wouldn't eat more than half. With the cake, I only had two bites and then passed it around the table for everyone to try...between the 7 of us, it wasn't hard to get everyone else to eat it. Still, though...compared to the 3 1/2 days before that meal, which was nothing + 170cal-that meal was BEYOND sinful. It was so awesome though, that I just kept telling myself "It's your BIRTHDAY! You're allowed to have this one great meal with your friends!" and "You can work it off the rest of the week!"
What I hadn't really thought of or accounted for, however, when I made my weight-loss goals and schedule, was that literally the VERY NEXT MORNING after my birthday, I was leaving to visit my friend until today...and that RIGHT from her place, I was coming to see my parents until Tuesday. The reason this is such a problem, is that as most of you know, it is infinitely more difficult to stick as rigidly to your diet and exercise routines in front of other people, especially if those other people know about your ED and are hypersensitive to everything to do with food and exercise. I wasn't too bad while I was at my friend's...the worst thing I ate was some vegetable fried rice, and I only had about 1/2 cup. But the problem was, even though I wasn't going crazy and eating like a madwoman-I wasn't getting in my normal amount of exercise. The 45 minutes of floor exercise and ab work I was able to squeeze in before she woke up in the mornings was really nothing compared to what I was doing before I left. I wanted to weigh myself SO BADLY so that I could get my bearings and try and evaluate how many lbs my birthday dinner had cost me and how far I had to go till my next Monday weigh in...but she doesn't own a freaking scale! UGH
Like I said in the beginning of this post, I finally did get to a scale today...and it was so depressing that I think it was borderline traumatic. 109lbs. You know that moment when you step on a scale, and you KNOW you've gained weight, but you're hoping it's only a little bit, or within a certain range? Like, I was silently praying and wishing to myself in my head "Please don't be over 107, please don't be over 107..." over and over again. When that 109 popped up, I almost fainted I was so heartbroken. I went into my room and just sat on the bed rocking back and forth, crying, on the verge of hyperventilating. My initial thought after I calmed down a bit, was that last weekend I went from 110.6 to 104.2 in only 3 days, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could go from 109 to 103 by Monday night.
The problem is, last weekend I was at my own apartment, with my own privacy and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I was able to eat nothing, exercise to my heart's content...and even do hot yoga (for which there is NOT a studio where my parents live!). Now I'm home, and although my parents don't exactly watch me 24/7, and we don't really sit down for meals together unless we're dining out...it is still extremely hard for me to hide eating nothing from them. Eventually, I get asked "When was the last time you ate?" or "What did you have for ________
The only thing I ate today was dinner at this little Italian place my parents love-which was good, but super fattening and calorie packed...which is why I purged it as soon as we got home. I was a little nervous they would catch on, but luckily my dad was tired and went to bed and my mom went to run some errands, so I was able to just purge undeterred for like 20 minutes in the bathroom. I've been drinking a ton of tea and water, and took double the amount of fiber supplements, trying to force my body to eliminate some of the water weight and cleanse out what I can. Going to go for a run in the morning before my parents wake up-Sunday is the only day that both of them have off, so they always sleep in-which will let me be gone for a solid 2 hours or so before they get up.
Basically, I'm going to try my best to do everything I can to get my weight as low as possible by Monday night-but I'm not overly optimistic that I'm going to be able to reach my 103 goal. Right now I kind of just hope I can get it down to at least 105 or so, so that when I get back to MY LIFE on Tuesday, I can spend the whole week instead of just a weekend doing whatever I have to do to reach my next goal.
Sorry this was so long, but I hadn't been able to sit down and write a reall post in a few days. Thanks so much for reading and your support! Special shout out to Liz for always hitting me up with great comments =) Wish me luck for tomorrow and Monday, I'll post Monday night with my weekly update and pics--no matter how dismal they are. Good night, and stay strong!
LM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Real quick...
Hey guys-I'm out of town visiting a friend until Saturday, then visiting my parents until Tuesday. My birthday was really great, and I'll post some pictures when I have time at my parents' place. I am eating food again, but trying really hard not to eat too much. It's been hard being out of town, maintaining strict diet routines is always more difficult when you aren't at your own place, with your own food, and the privacy to eat/not eat/purge whatever you want and exercise as much as and whenever you want. In spite of that, I have been trying to be as careful as possible and have been waking up earlier to get in at least 45 minutes of exercise before my friend or her boyfriend are awake to notice. I haven't weighed myself since Monday, have been too scared that it has gone up since resuming solid foods. Can't weigh myself here...not only does she not have a scale, but she knows about my food *issues* and is hypervigilant and hypersensitive about diet/weight related around me. Depending on what I weigh when I get to a scale on Saturday, I may or may not be doing another food strike/exercise rampage combo for the weekend.
Won't be able to post again until late Sat/early Sun. Will give more thorough birthday and trip details then. Got to give my friend back her laptop now and go to bed. Night!
LM
Won't be able to post again until late Sat/early Sun. Will give more thorough birthday and trip details then. Got to give my friend back her laptop now and go to bed. Night!
LM
Monday, May 24, 2010
I EFFIN DID IT!!
Post number TWO for today, with about 1 1/2 hours to go before my birthday! This is going to be REALLY quick, since my earlier post was a bit lengthy and I have some friends coming over to watch the Intervention MARATHON that is on tonight! I LOVE Intervention.
Anyway, as the title of this post may suggest: I DID IT! 104.2lbs! Still no food since Friday's debacle, can't wait to sleep in tomorrow morning-was pretty sore, tired, and light-headed towards the end of today. Without further ado, my pictures:
Anyway, as the title of this post may suggest: I DID IT! 104.2lbs! Still no food since Friday's debacle, can't wait to sleep in tomorrow morning-was pretty sore, tired, and light-headed towards the end of today. Without further ado, my pictures:
Like before, had to adjust the lighting on the picture a bit to make the numbers more visible.
Front View
Side View
Well, that's really all I have to report at the moment. Can anyone see a difference? I'm starting to get a little discouraged that I'm almost 6lbs down and still look the same. Good night, all!
LM
WHOA-FREAK OUT MODE!
This isn't going to be a particularly motivational post. Basically, was doing really amazing until late Friday night, had kept it between 250-450cals each day and burned between 500-1000 with exercise....was feeling really great. But I really fucked up Friday night. Friday afternoon i weighed myself and I was down to 106.2, which made me really happy because I was on my way to my 105 goal for today. I was even feeling so well that I went shopping for my dress to wear at my friend's wedding in Antigua-something I usually hate doing, because I can't stand trying on clothes in the mirror and being reminded of my size. I spent a solid 3 hours shopping, trying on dresses in 5 different stores, and was so happy that I was consistently a Sz. 2 everywhere...which just made me want to hold out and not buy anything until I reach a Sz. 0.
Well, I was feeling a little too good, I guess, and decided I deserved a relaxing afternoon off with one of my friends that I hadn't hung out with in a while. Problem is, this particular friend and I NEVER hang out without getting HIGH AS A KITE. And I had been dutifully abstaining from drugs and alcohol, since I know they just facilitate binges. Long story short: by 12:30AM, I had eaten half a box of Wheat-Thins, half of a small cheese platter, and an ENTIRE MEDIUM PIZZA with pineapple and banana peppers!!!! It was SO DISGUSTING! And the whole time, I kept thinking "No big deal, I'll just purge when I get home." But then I kept getting HIGH and NOT LEAVING! Ugh. I haven't been that angry at myself in a really long time. It was SUCH a lapse in judgement on my part...I KNOW that I have incredible self control and motivation when I am SOBER...and very little when I am not. Epic fail.
So, I ended up sleeping over because I never got sober enough to drive home, and when I finally did come home Saturday morning, I weighed myself. 110.6. One night of getting high and eating whatever I wanted, and I went from 106.2 to 110.6 in less than 24 hours. ONE NIGHT erased about two weeks worth of hard work and discipline. I went into total FREAK OUT mode-and haven't had a single bite to eat since that Pizza late Friday night. I went out and bought some new diet pills, because I had run out of mine. I've been on an exercise rampage, while having nothing but water and fiber supplements.
It's hasn't been easy, but between the no eating and 2-3 hours of exercise all day Saturday and Sunday, and so far 30 minutes early this morning...I think I've finally counter-acted Friday night's binge. Last I weighed myself was late last night (Sunday) and I was down to 105.6. I'm hoping that by the time I take my weekly pictures and do my Monday weigh-in later today, that 0.6lbs will be gone. I refuse to eat a single morsel of food until I am 105lb or less. I almost broke last night and I went as far as putting a handful of raisins in my mouth...and I chewed them for about 15 seconds before spitting them out. I hate living like this, I was really trying to avoid reverting to this kind of extreme behavior...but I can't help it I guess.
I'm doing a 10:15 cycling class in an hour, and I've already done 30 minutes of Yoga when I woke up. I also went out and bought three exercise and fitness magazines/guides, and yesterday I did about an hour of moves from one of them for core work and muscle strengthening. I think I'll do another set of them later after the cycling class. Whatever it takes to burn as many calories as possible. Every hour I'm drinking about a half a cup of either water or green tea.
I have a therapy appointment later today, I don't think I'm going to be totally honest about what I'm doing right now. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm afraid if I'm honest my therapist will want to hospitalize me, and I really don't want to be in the hospital for my birthday. Right now, I'm thinking that if I get down to 105 or less by tonight, I'll allow myself to slowly start eating again tomorrow, so that I enjoy my birthday as much as possible. I just wanted to update, will post my weekly pics later...hopefully featuring some good numbers!!
LM
LM
Thursday, May 20, 2010
MIA
Hey guys~
Sorry for being a little MIA the past two days. They have been going REALLY well, though! On Tuesday I went for a walk in the park with my friend, who is also trying to eat healthy, exercises, and lose weight. It's great because we can pretty much call one another anytime (that we know the other isn't working) and have a buddy to do WHATEVER!
Well, we walked for a little over an hour and whenever I walk in the park I always bring my free weights to amp it up a notch, so I did 5lb arm exercises the whole time we walked. When I got back I tried something new for breakfast: A SMOOTHIE! But one I made myself, so I knew it wasn't packed with shit I didn't need. I put 1/2 cup raspberries (25cal), 1/2 cup strawberries (26.5cal), I Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal), 1 tblsp pineapple juice (8.5cal), 1/2 scoop of Vanilla Whey Protein (70cal), and about 4 ice cubes. It was DELICIOUS and incredibly filling and satisfying, all for 180cal. And really, it was a little too much for me to finish, so I didn't even drink it all-I put about 1/3 of it back in the fridge and had it later for lunch with 1 Wasa Crispbread (45cal), and 1 Red. Fat String Cheese (50cal).
Then I had to have my friend drive me to the DMV to clear up and issue with my license, and that was probably the worst part of the day! The DMV definitely lived up to their reputation of being awful, slow, inefficient, and incompetent! I made an APPOINTMENT for 4:15, was there at 4:00, and there was a line of about 25 other people WITHOUT APPOINTMENTS in front of me. So when I asked if there was another line for people with appointments, like there SHOULD BE-I was told that there wasn't and that I just had to wait with everyone else...so why did they even take my appointment in the first place if it didn't matter??
Also, when I called to make my apparently FAKE appointment, I asked the person what documents I needed to have with me, and I was told exactly what I needed: Insurance card, vehicle registration, current license, social security card, and proof that I did an online driver improvement course (Had the certificate and the receipt). Awesome-got it all. Well after waiting for a half hour in line, I get there and present all of my info and the guy tells me I NEED MY PASSPORT! WTF! Not only did the person I spoke to when I first called NEVER MENTION A PASSPORT, but WHY do I need a PASSPORT for this SIMPLE matter! Jesus christ! Ya, so I had to leave without getting anything fixed and I'm going back tomorrow (Fri) morning. Sorry for all the caps-lock yelling, definitely needed to vent that one out!
Anyway, that was an epic FAIL, but afterwards to de-stress my friend and I stopped and got a manicure-which I was in desperate need of. I got this really cute NEON pink color which makes me feel fun and summery. The only real bump, diet-wise, was that after the manicure we were both really hungry (it was about 6:30 by now, hadn't eaten since noonish) and decided to stop at this strip mall that has a Pita Pit and a Mochi right next to each other! For anyone who doesn't know those chains, Pita Pit is this awesome fast-food alternative that you pick what you want (vegetables, sauces, meat-whatever) and they grill it in front of you and put it in a Pita. So, it's pretty healthy compared to a lot of shit. BUT I still don't like adding the extra carbs of a Pita, so you can turn any of their Pitas into a salad. I basically just got a bowl with lettuce and every vegetable they had (except Sprouts-gross lol). Just used vinegar for dressing, so I know there was close to nothing in it, but it was really filling.
The salad isn't the issue-fucking MOCHI is the issue! Again, for anyone who doesn't know of it, Mochi is this fat-free frozen yogurt chain that is supposedly really healthy and has fresh fruit toppings, etc. They claim that there is only 25-30cal per oz, and it is self-serve, so you can fill it however many ounces you want. Here's the thing: they only publish the nutritional information for their ORIGINAL flavor, but they have like 20 ridiculous flavors like "Red Velvet," "Cookies and Cream," "Coconilla," "Almond," "Chocolate..." you get the idea, the list goes on and on! So I don't understand why they don't have the information for ALL of the flavors, and when I asked, they told me "they are all the same." I find that VERY DIFFICULT to believe. So, I always get nervous when I go there, because even though its delicious, I hate not knowing what I'm eating. To me, if you don't publish the information, it could be ANYTHING! Red Velvet could have 25 calories per oz OR it could have 1000 calories per oz! But, ya, so we had Mochi and I got half Red Velvet and half Coconilla with fresh strawberries on top-it was really great. But when I got home, even though I knew that I probably hadn't had that much...the mystery of the Mochi really got in my head, and I ended up purging just in case.
The rest of the night was fine, no binges, and I worked out more: did the treadmill for around 30 minutes, my little Shake Weight video, and a 30 minute Yoga podcast. Then at night my friend and I went in the hot tub to unwind a bit and soothe our muscles (shes been working out a lot, too).
Yesterday was really great, diet and exercise-wise...but I did have a really intense therapy session that was a little rough. I'll spare you the minute-by-minute, meal-by-meal for the sake of length and time-but for the whole day I stayed under 400cal, and I did my park workout (jump rope and abs) for 45 minutes plus Shake Weight and a little swimming. The session, though, was really crazy. I'm also not going to go entirely into it, because it's really personal, but basically I'm with a therapist right now that I REALLY love, and it is the first time I've ever been this open, honest, and comfortable with my therapist before.
However, after finally reaching this level with him, I am moving in a little over two months, and will lose him. This comes right at a time when we JUST started bridging some incredibly intense topics, that I wasn't ready to talk about before-the kind of stuff that it takes a year or two to even come out in therapy. I really felt like we were on the verge of a major breakthrough with some of my trauma issues-and now I'm leaving and will have to start all over again with someone else...that is, if I even continue therapy once I move. Part of me is just so frustrated at the thought of having to start all over with someone, that it actually angers me to the point of a physiological reaction. Just the idea of losing all the time I've spent with my current doctor and even having to go through the process of looking for someone else, and then having that awkward first session, and taking another year or more to build up trust and a relationship....wow, my blood pressure is rising just typing it. I was near a full-blown panic attack in the office yesterday.
Anyway, this post is way longer than I meant it to be already. I just had some breakfast (meal total=80cal), wanted to take some time to write and plan out the rest of my day before getting started. Have a lot of work to do today, not sure if I'll be able to post again tonight-but I'll try. I'm meeting with someone tonight around 5:45 to finish up a project we've been doing the past 5 months or so, and it should be very *interesting* based on the last "meeting" we had...if you catch my drift, lol. Until next time ~ Keep up all the great work, everyone! And stay strong!
LM
Sorry for being a little MIA the past two days. They have been going REALLY well, though! On Tuesday I went for a walk in the park with my friend, who is also trying to eat healthy, exercises, and lose weight. It's great because we can pretty much call one another anytime (that we know the other isn't working) and have a buddy to do WHATEVER!
Well, we walked for a little over an hour and whenever I walk in the park I always bring my free weights to amp it up a notch, so I did 5lb arm exercises the whole time we walked. When I got back I tried something new for breakfast: A SMOOTHIE! But one I made myself, so I knew it wasn't packed with shit I didn't need. I put 1/2 cup raspberries (25cal), 1/2 cup strawberries (26.5cal), I Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal), 1 tblsp pineapple juice (8.5cal), 1/2 scoop of Vanilla Whey Protein (70cal), and about 4 ice cubes. It was DELICIOUS and incredibly filling and satisfying, all for 180cal. And really, it was a little too much for me to finish, so I didn't even drink it all-I put about 1/3 of it back in the fridge and had it later for lunch with 1 Wasa Crispbread (45cal), and 1 Red. Fat String Cheese (50cal).
Then I had to have my friend drive me to the DMV to clear up and issue with my license, and that was probably the worst part of the day! The DMV definitely lived up to their reputation of being awful, slow, inefficient, and incompetent! I made an APPOINTMENT for 4:15, was there at 4:00, and there was a line of about 25 other people WITHOUT APPOINTMENTS in front of me. So when I asked if there was another line for people with appointments, like there SHOULD BE-I was told that there wasn't and that I just had to wait with everyone else...so why did they even take my appointment in the first place if it didn't matter??
Also, when I called to make my apparently FAKE appointment, I asked the person what documents I needed to have with me, and I was told exactly what I needed: Insurance card, vehicle registration, current license, social security card, and proof that I did an online driver improvement course (Had the certificate and the receipt). Awesome-got it all. Well after waiting for a half hour in line, I get there and present all of my info and the guy tells me I NEED MY PASSPORT! WTF! Not only did the person I spoke to when I first called NEVER MENTION A PASSPORT, but WHY do I need a PASSPORT for this SIMPLE matter! Jesus christ! Ya, so I had to leave without getting anything fixed and I'm going back tomorrow (Fri) morning. Sorry for all the caps-lock yelling, definitely needed to vent that one out!
Anyway, that was an epic FAIL, but afterwards to de-stress my friend and I stopped and got a manicure-which I was in desperate need of. I got this really cute NEON pink color which makes me feel fun and summery. The only real bump, diet-wise, was that after the manicure we were both really hungry (it was about 6:30 by now, hadn't eaten since noonish) and decided to stop at this strip mall that has a Pita Pit and a Mochi right next to each other! For anyone who doesn't know those chains, Pita Pit is this awesome fast-food alternative that you pick what you want (vegetables, sauces, meat-whatever) and they grill it in front of you and put it in a Pita. So, it's pretty healthy compared to a lot of shit. BUT I still don't like adding the extra carbs of a Pita, so you can turn any of their Pitas into a salad. I basically just got a bowl with lettuce and every vegetable they had (except Sprouts-gross lol). Just used vinegar for dressing, so I know there was close to nothing in it, but it was really filling.
The salad isn't the issue-fucking MOCHI is the issue! Again, for anyone who doesn't know of it, Mochi is this fat-free frozen yogurt chain that is supposedly really healthy and has fresh fruit toppings, etc. They claim that there is only 25-30cal per oz, and it is self-serve, so you can fill it however many ounces you want. Here's the thing: they only publish the nutritional information for their ORIGINAL flavor, but they have like 20 ridiculous flavors like "Red Velvet," "Cookies and Cream," "Coconilla," "Almond," "Chocolate..." you get the idea, the list goes on and on! So I don't understand why they don't have the information for ALL of the flavors, and when I asked, they told me "they are all the same." I find that VERY DIFFICULT to believe. So, I always get nervous when I go there, because even though its delicious, I hate not knowing what I'm eating. To me, if you don't publish the information, it could be ANYTHING! Red Velvet could have 25 calories per oz OR it could have 1000 calories per oz! But, ya, so we had Mochi and I got half Red Velvet and half Coconilla with fresh strawberries on top-it was really great. But when I got home, even though I knew that I probably hadn't had that much...the mystery of the Mochi really got in my head, and I ended up purging just in case.
The rest of the night was fine, no binges, and I worked out more: did the treadmill for around 30 minutes, my little Shake Weight video, and a 30 minute Yoga podcast. Then at night my friend and I went in the hot tub to unwind a bit and soothe our muscles (shes been working out a lot, too).
Yesterday was really great, diet and exercise-wise...but I did have a really intense therapy session that was a little rough. I'll spare you the minute-by-minute, meal-by-meal for the sake of length and time-but for the whole day I stayed under 400cal, and I did my park workout (jump rope and abs) for 45 minutes plus Shake Weight and a little swimming. The session, though, was really crazy. I'm also not going to go entirely into it, because it's really personal, but basically I'm with a therapist right now that I REALLY love, and it is the first time I've ever been this open, honest, and comfortable with my therapist before.
However, after finally reaching this level with him, I am moving in a little over two months, and will lose him. This comes right at a time when we JUST started bridging some incredibly intense topics, that I wasn't ready to talk about before-the kind of stuff that it takes a year or two to even come out in therapy. I really felt like we were on the verge of a major breakthrough with some of my trauma issues-and now I'm leaving and will have to start all over again with someone else...that is, if I even continue therapy once I move. Part of me is just so frustrated at the thought of having to start all over with someone, that it actually angers me to the point of a physiological reaction. Just the idea of losing all the time I've spent with my current doctor and even having to go through the process of looking for someone else, and then having that awkward first session, and taking another year or more to build up trust and a relationship....wow, my blood pressure is rising just typing it. I was near a full-blown panic attack in the office yesterday.
Anyway, this post is way longer than I meant it to be already. I just had some breakfast (meal total=80cal), wanted to take some time to write and plan out the rest of my day before getting started. Have a lot of work to do today, not sure if I'll be able to post again tonight-but I'll try. I'm meeting with someone tonight around 5:45 to finish up a project we've been doing the past 5 months or so, and it should be very *interesting* based on the last "meeting" we had...if you catch my drift, lol. Until next time ~ Keep up all the great work, everyone! And stay strong!
LM
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