Triathlon is now a Duathlon, and I'm kind of a fuck up

    So, I was training at the gym last Friday and fucked up my shoulder. When I got home from working out, it was killing me, but I thought it was just normal soreness. I had spent an hour doing the breast stroke, so I figured I just over-exerted a bit and took some tylenol.
   Well, it wasn't getting any better, so I thought (like a dumbass) that maybe I just needed to try cracking it and stretching it out. Ya, that made it about 1,000x worse. So THEN I managed to continue my stupidity by thinking that a massage might help, so I used my certificate for a free massage that I had got at the last 5k I ran. Holy shit I've never had a more painful massage in my life!!! Had to make them stop after 15 minutes, went home and was almost in tears from the pain. I decided to go to Urgent Care,  where they told me my shoulder was dislocated and sent me to the ER.
    At the ER, they took more x-rays and determined that my shoulder was not, in fact, dislocated. I initially thought this was good news, but as it turns out what I actually have is a torn rotator cuff, which is apparently much worse. Arm's in a sling and I have to see an Ortho now to determine if it will heal on its own or needs surgery. Which means I can kiss the Triathlon goodbye, since there's no way my shoulder will heal in time to do a 1/4 mile swim by July 17th.
   The GOOD NEWS, is that the Triathlon I registered for also has a Duathlon division, where you just do biking and running. While the swimmers are doing the swim, the Duathlon competitors do a run. So it goes run-bike-run instead of swim-bike-run. Sucks I won't be able to get my first Tri under my belt, but I'm happy that I don't have to give the race up all together-especially since I've spent close to 1G on it now between the registration fees and the equipment.
   So that's the Triathlon news. In other news I had a bit of a nervous breakdown last Wednesday and binged and purged for the first time in over a month, and cut myself for the first time in about 6 months. Not gunna go into all the details, but let's just say my moving out of here to NY can't come fast enough. I talked to my therapist about it, and he said that I have to work on being able to express my frustration and anger outwardly to those I am frustrated and angry with rather than inwardly toward myself with self-destruction. My response: DUH! Story of my fucking life.
   Anyway, since the rotator cuff injury on Friday I haven't been able to work out, since there's not much I can do with my arm in a sling. This has been giving me a ton of anxiety, since I was exercising 3-4 hours a day. It was the only thing that gave me peace of mind, and made me feel ok about eating healthy meals. I mean, ya, they were still really low-cal, but they were meals and they were consistent.
   I've felt so gross and bloated without the workouts, so I've cut back on food a lot. I'm pretty much not eating anything but steamed broccoli, prunes, fiber one yogurt and bran cereal right now, and drinking water, green tea, and grapefruit juice laced with Epsom salt. It's sort of my take on a cleanse. I know when most people do cleanses they do only clear liquids and no solid foods, but I've found cleanses to be more effective when combined with some solid foods that are packed with fiber. And Epsom salt is a natural laxative, but doesn't taste too awesome, so it's best mixed with juice to cover the taste. Just no juices from concentrate or with added sugar or corn cyrup. All organic 100% grapefruit juice. Raspberies are packed with fiber too, but I don't really like eating them by themselves. I've been trying to throw a couple in the yogurt or cereal or put them in the blender with the grapefruit juice, but I don't always remember.
   I'm thinking this will pretty much be my diet until I can workout again, since I'm def not comfortable with the meals if I'm not burning it off. Luckily I'm still sort of on track, down to 103lbs. Although if I'd been working out for the past 3 days I know it could have been lower. Ugh. FML. Just want to get back under 100, that would make my life.
   OK well here's the scale shot for today:

Could be better, but could also be worse. Here's hoping for a better week! BTW, if anyone still reads this you can follow me on twitter at @FreeFromFood. I tweet like a zillion times a day, it's so much easier and quicker than sitting down and writing blog entries. I'm actually considering starting to use the blog primarily for diet tips, low-cal recipes, best foods and drinks for losing weight, etc. I ironically have a lot of nutritional, fitness, and dietician background, and always hear fellow ED girls talking about what they are doing, and a lot of it is flat-out misconceptions that only hurt in the long run. But you know the old saying "Do as I say, not as I do." Ya, it's always the ones that know the most about what's right that do the most wrong to their bodies! Exhibit A: Me. lol Whatever, I'll tweet whenever I post a good recipe or tip.
Ciao!

LM

Before Bed

   I just took my trazodone, so this post is guaranteed to be short or abruptly end when I fall over. I was just laying in bed thinking about the current state of my life, and how various circumstances have kept me from updating for the past month-ish, and about how stressed and lonely I've been when I heard my iPhone make the "you have a new e-mail" noise. I wasn't going to read it right now, but something told me to just look at it. I did, and it was a notification that someone had commented on my last post, so I went and read it and decided to muster the energy and strength to write a post.
   Since I usually post my progress updates on Monday nights, every single Monday that has gone by since my last post I've thought "Shit, I missed it today-I'll do it next Monday!" And then the next Monday comes, and so on and so one and it's the same old story. I'm obviously not going to go into everything right now, because I'm already starting to fall asleep, but I wanted to thank whoever the Anonymous poster is who commented and encouraged me to keep writing, because with how hectic and stressful everything has been since my move with job-hunting and my new therapist and some friends and family drama, I definitely let my writing fall to the sidelines-and it's not cool because this is often the only outlet I have aside from my therapist, and even there I'm not as candid and honest as I am here.
   So I figured I owed it to anyone who is still reading or who has just found my blog to get back on the wagon, so to speak. I am still alive, and I absolutely promise to schedule in an hour block on time during the day tomorrow to give a more thorough update and upload some pics (yes, I have still been taking them-just not posting them). Thank you again, I've really missed the community! Good night.

LM

Never thought I'd be this happy to be at home!

   It's been about 4 days back home living with my parents now, ever since The Great Moving Debacle of 2010 ended. As bad/difficult a time I was having before I left, that whole experience put some stuff in perspective. My parents can be insane and impossible at times-but so can I! And at least they love me, and are giving me a place to stay while I figure my shit out, and have given up their whole house practically to become a giant storage unit for all of my stuff-not to mention they buy groceries and DON'T STEAL FROM ME!
   Don't get me wrong, we still have our issues-but I think all families do. Granted, I do think ours can be significantly more abnormal than most, but there have got to be families that are worse, too! It is still a little rough while I'm job searching at the same time my mom is job searching, but setting up the wireless router has really helped with the sharing the one computer issue. My laptop is SO much better and faster, and I can just bring it anywhere in the house that my parents are not located, lol.
   I think I mentioned before that I had a really solid, good interview at a great law firm about a week ago. I got called today to schedule the second and final interview, so it's now set for August 12th at 1:00PM. Now I just have to brush up on my typing and Quickbooks skillz. I'm not too worried about that, though-I'm more worried that one of the other candidates will just have more/better experience that I can't really compete with. But whatever-I made it there, too, right? Obviously they like something about me.
   In the meantime I've been unpacking, exercising, searching for a new therapist, and battling evil fucking insurance companies. Just a day in the life. The unpacking is going really slowly-I just have so much stuff I don't know where to start! I'm def going to eBay or Craigslist my treadmill though, at least that could make me like a few hundred bucks  to keep me going until I'm employed again. Since I joined the gym nearby, don't really need a personal treadmill anymore. I'm also going to be an extra in some random club scene being shot for some commercial...I know, it sounds pretty desperate/lame-but they are paying the extras $200 cash just to smile and look cute in the background. I'll take that ANY day. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to make that money, honey.
   I haven't binged/purged in two days now, and I'm trying really hard to stay disciplined and just stick to my meal plan. When I don't eat too much, then I don't have to purge...it's just so much easier said than done. So far today I've had 3 small meals adding up to about 250 cals so far...but I'm going to the gym at 9pm, and I'm going to eat another 80cal before I go to give me some energy, and then I usually have 1/2cup of egg whites when I get back from the gym for the protein, which is another 50cal. So all in all I'll have done around 380-400 today, probably more like 425 if you include the fiber supplements. I'm happy with that-every time I go to the gym I do at least 450cal on the treadmill-more if I can handle it. Last night I stopped at exactly 450 because I was in a rush to get home for Real Housewives of NJ (I know, it's a guilty pleasure)-but the night before I stayed on for 565cals, which I was really proud of. When I'm done with cardio, I always sit in the sauna for 10-15 minutes. I might just be nuts, but I feel like I burn a little more with all that heat and sweating-and it feels really refreshing when you finish.
   There is this little Italian place across the street that my parents really like, and on Mondays and Tuesdays they have a special on Large One-Topping Pizzas for only $5...so unfortunately, every Tuesday without fail, my father brings home a giant cheese pizza. I went downstairs into the kitchen for my last meal around 5:45pm (baby carrots with fat free ranch) and saw the PIZZA and almost fainted. I wanted to eat the ENTIRE PIE sooooooooo badly!!!! I just stood over it, smelling it, breathing in the cheese and the crust for about 5 minutes. Then I pretty much had to pinch myself, close the box, and sit down and eat my carrots. Sometimes eating something healthy can stop me from bingeing, because in my crazy head I think "well if I binge and purge now, I'll also end up purging the carrots, and those are good..." It stopped me this time...but there is still half a pizza in the fridge. I'm really hoping I don't succumb to a midnight binge later...
   OK well I gotta wrap this up if I want to leave for the gym by 9-after going to 4 therapists in the area, I finally found one that I REALLY love...and surprise, surprise--he's the only one my insurance denied. I'm so fed up with calling and arguing with them! Sometimes I genuinely believe that insurance companies and people who work there are pure, unadulterated evil. I've yet to speak with a single person that has shown any sign of possessing human-like qualities such as listening, understanding, or problem-solving. I mean, I know it must suck to work for insurance...but c'mon-they don't all have to be such condescending douchebags. Anyway, if I have to go to one more therapist's office and start completely over again one more time, I'm going to pull my hair out and have a nervous breakdown...and I seriously doubt that I'll find someone better than the doctor I finally settled on. So, despite HAVING mental health insurance that is only a $25 copay for the offices in the network....I'll be paying out of pocket the private rate to stay with this guy. We'll see how this turns out. I agreed to it under the assumption that I'm going to get this job and be working again full time in the next couple weeks and will be able to afford the private rate. If I do not get the job...then I'll have to discontinue sessions until I get another one.
   Alright-I'm off to eat a quick snack and then walk to the gym. Don't worry-I carry mace when I walk alone at night. I'm sure you were definitely concerned about that, lol. Until tomorrow ~

LM

Peek-chores

   Now that Real Housewives of NJ is over, I got out my camera from the "electronics" box and took some pics. Still at 104lbs as of...about 20 minutes ago...hopefully that will steadily go down the rest of the week. I've been being so good, sticking to my 50cal meals spread out throughout the day. Like I said, I didn't step foot in a gym while I was away, but since I've been back I've gone each night (making that...two whole nights now) and burned about 600cal last night, and 500cal tonight. It feels good to be back in the gym, so hopefully that will start to show some results.
   After that ridonkulous long post earlier, I'll just keep the rest to the pics for now. I'll save my new therapist search and the EVIL insurance company talk for another time. I've missed the internet and this community SO MUCH! I can't wait to stay up late reading what's been going on with everyone else!

Amen.

This is my favorite bathing suit. Haven't put it on in a while.

LOL I look really tan but its just an optical (bad lighting) illusion. I wish I were this tan!

The collar bone zone...I think I can see a little bit of a difference.

The Juicy bathing suit test. Still not quite right..actually it looks exactly the same to me.

Juicy FAIL from the side.

That's a WRAP. Goodnight!

LM

Whoopsy Daisy!

Why hello there!
   I got back into town as planned Wednesday around 10am, and I walked into my apartment to find...that our electricity was turned off. This was QUITE perplexing to me, as before I left I had left a utilities check on the kitchen counter for my roommate to mail in. Well, apparently, she forgot. SOOOOOO I had to pay it immediately online, and they don't just "turn it back on" with the push of a button, they have to set up an appointment to come out to your place and physically turn it on.
   Luckily, I had that Rape Aggression Defense class (henceforth to be referred to as RAD to keep me from typing that all out every time), so I was able to get out of the stifling heat and lack of internet and television from 1-5pm at least. Imagine my surprise when I came back, and it STILL wasn't back on! Ya. I had to sleep practically naked to tolerate how effing hot it was, and it finally got turned back on last night-thank god! So, now that I've had the opportunity to wake up NOT in a pool of sweat, have my breakfast, read the paper...I decided it was finally the perfect time to post-since I have power again, and all.
   First things first: I can't stress enough how much your following and comments mean to me! Thank you so much! This post actually might get a little too long because I have so much to say that I kept saving or putting off for my "next post," not realizing that it would be like 3 days! I'll try my best to be mindful if it gets too ridonkulous, and maybe split it into two posts if I have to.

   That being said, I have lots of glorious photographs for your enjoyment! Not to bring up all sorts of old news or anything, but I've been meaning to post some pictures from my birthday so that you can appreciate how ridiculously delicious my dinner was! Unfortunately, I didn't think to take pictures until AFTER we had devoured the Mushroom Crostinis, so they are absent. I got everything else though!

Caprese Salad

Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce

I also took pictures of my friends' meals, because they looked SO good even though I don't eat meat. 

This would be Veal Milanese (veal scaloppini breaded and pan-fried, topped with marinated tomatos and fresh greens)

Lobster Ravioli in Fontina Cream Sauce

And of course...The Cake! Double Chocolate Layer Cake, to be exact. 

   So, ya-that was my birthday dinner! I know it's kind of silly to post the pictures now, but ever since I left my parents' place on Tuesday, I've been back to some extreme restriction in the hopes of reaching my goal of 101lbs by Monday, in spite of having missed last Monday's 103lbs. And when I'm fasting or doing intense restriction, obviously all I think about is delicious food! So in a weird way looking at the pictures from that dinner lets me remember how good it tasted, and then I sort of feel like I ate it again! It might be crazy, but its stopped me from bingeing TWICE now, so I'll take it. 

   Speaking of Monday's goal...I'm once again switching up my plan a bit, but not much. Basically, instead of complete fasting and not eating anything from Tuesday to Monday while exercising like I did for the three days that I went from 110.2 to 104.6, I'm allowing myself 125 cal per day in the form of 2 Fiber Supplements (15cal together) and a 1/2 cup of Fiber One ORIGINAL Bran Cereal (60cal) with 1 Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal). So, with just chewing two supplements and having a small 110cal breakfast in the morning, I'm getting 93% of my daily value of fiber. I eat the cereal and yogurt about a half hour after waking up, and then I take the supplements at lunch time. Since they are in gummy-form, they are actually kind of good so I like pretending that they are a meal, lol. The rest of the day I just drink water or green tea, 1/2 cup every half hour or so, alternating between the two. 

   The "rationale" behind this approach (I put it in quotation marks because...let's be real, nothing we do is really "rational") is that I'm kind of obsessed with Tanya Zuckerbrot, and I watch all of her Youtube videos, and try to catch her whenever I know she's going to be on TV. For anyone wondering who the hell she is, she is this celebrity dietician who wrote "The F-Factor Diet" and also started the website Skinny in the City, which I am also totally obsessed with. Basically the idea is to have a diet rich in fiber, because fiber is undigestible but very filling. So when you eat fiber, it fills you up and moves right through you, aiding in more regular bowel movements and helping you lose weight. Well, obviously, she does not endorse disordered eating and I've taken her basic premise to the extreme-but ya, that's what I'm doing right now. I decided to try it after being incredibly frustrated by the fact that even though you can lose weight very quickly by fasting and exercising, it also screws with my digestive system, and I end up constipated, bloated, and retaining water...which makes me feel disgusting. I figured, there has to be a way to eat very little but do something to help with those side effects. It's only been yesterday and today so far (Tues and Wed I just fasted), but I definitely feel better than I usually do when I'm just straight-up not eating anything. I guess we'll see how well it really worked on Monday!

   In other news, I know I briefly mentioned in another post that I had been dress shopping for the Antigua wedding that is FAST approaching (like, holy shit its in less than two weeks fast!!!), but still hadn't found anything. Well...I did something kind of bad. Actually, it might be really good...but it could also be very bad. After my last dress shopping rampage at the the mall, I tried on at LEAST 30 dresses, and I was consistently a size 2 every time, which on the one hand felt really incredible, but weird at the same time because I don't feel like a size 2, I feel like a size 10. Well, I've always had it in my head that a size 0 is the perfect size. I remember when I was overweight in high school, and I would go through the racks of clothes I couldn't fit in, and I would look at the size 0s as if they were these mythological, fantastical creations. And I would think "Who on EARTH could fit into these?!?!" Then, I would overhear the pretty, popular girls at school talking about shopping, etc. and discover that THEY were all size 0s and 2s. Well, for the first time in my life, I'm a size 2. And yet, I'm still not happy. I don't feel as thought the size is translating to my weight, or the shape of my body. 

   Anyway, I'll stop the rambling. This is what I did: I bought this Nanette Lepore dress for the wedding...in a size 0. I've always wanted a Nanette Lepore dress, ever since I saw an amazing one on the Tyra Banks show in one of their "Makeover" episodes (I know, I'm a loser). Well, the store had it in a size 2 and a size 0...and I could have gotten the 2. But I had this tunnel vision moment, and I thought that if I bought it in a 0, it would give me even more motivation to lose weight and fit into it for the wedding! I thought, this is non-refundable, and non-returnable...(it was on sale)if I do this, I HAVE TO WEAR IT! So I made myself get it in a 0, and now that is what is pushing me through. Whenever I'm about to binge or am too tired to exercise, I look at the dress and tell myself "You are SO close! Don't fuck it all up now!!" Seriously, though-how freaking adorable is this dress? Normally I would think it was too casual for a wedding, but it is a beach wedding and my friend showed me pictures of the wedding dress she is going to wear...let's just say I have nothing to worry about. Other than fitting into it, that is! Another part of my reasoning was that, in addition to providing the motivation to GET into the dress, it would also provide me with the motivation to not go crazy and splurge once I get to Antigua, because I'll be there two days before the wedding, so I'll still have to fit into it the day of. I know, I'm crazy. But determined. 

   And on that note, I'm going to free anyone who is still reading from the clutches of my tangents! I did want to write a little bit about my RAD class, but I'll save it for after tonight, which is the final class. Stay strong, everyone! 

LM

Bittersweet

Hey all~

   As per usual, this comes just in the knick of time for tonight! What I'm probably going to do is just post the scale and body pics real quick, so that they are up and done with, and then stay up writing a longer, more detailed post afterwards. At least, that's the plan at the moment.

   You may have gathered by the title that there are both good and bad feelings involved with today's results. On the plus side, I did somehow miraculously manage to get down to 105-which is a helluva lot better than 109. However, my goal weight for today HAD been 103, and that didn't happen. Also, my parents' scale is a little...what's the word...hmm...SHITTIER than mine, so it doesn't show fractions of a pound, so I don't know if I'm closer to 104 or 106.

   The pictures themselves are also bittersweet for me, because in some areas I'm starting to see a bit of a difference, while in others I'm just NOT! For example, you'll notice that I've included an additional picture in this post: one of my collar bone. I've always just done the front and side views, but today I was feeling particularly happy with my collar bone area, and for the first time thought that it was actually starting to become more pronounced, which made me really happy. On the other hand, I continue to be frustrated with the complete LACK of any difference in my giant stomach! Of course, I understand that I didn't lose any weight this week, and that in the pictures I'm about .8lbs heavier than last Monday's pics, so I souldn't have expected any big difference. It's still frustrating, though, since my stomach/hips/thighs are the areas I'm most self-conscious about. Leave it to me to lose weight just from my tits and neck, lol!

   OK, it's picture time-say cheese!

Note the inferior technology

Front:

And yes, I did forget to shave under my arms. My bad.

Side:

I blurred out the arm stubble in this one, lol.

Collar Bone:

Sorry about how disgusting the bathroom mirror is! =(

That's all for now-with about a quarter of an hour to spare! More intense posting to come!

LM

I EFFIN DID IT!!

   Post number TWO for today, with about 1 1/2 hours to go before my birthday! This is going to be REALLY quick, since my earlier post was a bit lengthy and I have some friends coming over to watch the Intervention MARATHON that is on tonight! I LOVE Intervention.
   Anyway, as the title of this post may suggest: I DID IT! 104.2lbs! Still no food since Friday's debacle, can't wait to sleep in tomorrow morning-was pretty sore, tired, and light-headed towards the end of today. Without further ado, my pictures:

 

Like before, had to adjust the lighting on the picture a bit to make the numbers more visible. 

Front View

Side View

Well, that's really all I have to report at the moment. Can anyone see a difference? I'm starting to get a little discouraged that I'm almost 6lbs down and still look the same. Good night, all! 

LM

Can't Win Em All, I guess...

   Well, after my great day on Friday, I've been a little nervous about posting anything less than perfect. That's the only trouble with those "great days," as awesome as they are, anything short of them sort of pales in comparison! I've definitely not had as fantastic days as Friday-but at the same time I think I could have done a lot worse, too.
   As I mentioned in the last part of Friday's post, I did have a date that night. We met up for drinks at a local bar, and since I knew I'd be doing that, I didn't eat any dinner. Instead I saved whatever calories I would have used on dinner for my signature cocktail: Vodka and Club Soda with EXTRA Lime! It has between 75-100 calories, depending on the proof of the Vodka and how generous the shot is. I ended up having about 2 more than I should have, making my total between 225 and 300cals, but before that my total for the whole day had still been just under 200. Even though I would have liked to have exercised the will power to just have one drink and call it a night-that was apparently not in the cards lol.
   Also not in the cards? Keeping my self-respect. OH yes-I definitely went home with my date despite a complete lack of attraction or interest, just because I felt OBLIGATED. Pretty fucked up what we do to ourselves sometimes, huh? Like, why on Earth did I feel obligated to go home with someone I just met, and wasn't attracted to, and didn't really ever want to see again? Because I'm nuts, that's why. There just came a point in the night where I was like..."If I was going to go home, I should have by now...guess I'm going home with this winner right here..." Anyway, I woke up in their bed SICK AS A DOG! I had kind of started to feel the beginnings of a cold earlier in the day, but had taken some Vitamin-C with Rose Hips to try and stave it off...didn't quite work, although, I'm sure the alcohol and um...*other* activities didn't help very much. Talk about Karma, though!
   So, I left at around 10:30am and went straight to the store to buy some groceries and Cold/Flu medicine. I needed to re-up on some fruits and broccoli, and of course I splurged on a bunch of other stuff that I thought I just HAD to have! Like SmartBacon Veggie Protein Strips...they are really good and only 20cal per strip, and it's all protein! But they, like most specialty vegetarian items, were not cheap. I also got some veggie chicken nuggets, which only have 140cal in 4 nuggets. Some WASA crispbread as a bread substitute, it is multigrain and only 40cal per slice. Then a bunch of throat lozenges, and Alka-Seltzer Cold, and 10 fucking bottles of SoBe "Life Water" (just because each bottle has 100% of your daily Vitamin C value, and I'm sick so I thought that sounded like a great idea, lol) Ya, I went a little over board.
   I had been planning on doing a 5-mile hike with my friend, but I was feeling pretty awful and not sure if that was going to happen. After taking some medicine and eating a small breakfast (Egg whites, 60cal, Wasa bread, 40cal), it was really clear that I wasn't going to be able to handle a 5 mile hike. I was sneezing and coughing and blowing my nose every 5 minutes, which I didn't think would be very appreciated by my friend. So I told her I had to pass, but that hopefully I'd be fine by next Saturday.
   Rest of yesterday was pretty uneventful, all I did was sleep and take medicine every 4 hours. I didn't get any exercise in like I had planned, but I was also really good and didn't eat too much. My total for the day after lunch (Luna bar, 180cal) and a bunch of random snacks (Babybel, 50cal, 4 Veggie Nuggets,140cal, 2tblsp Ranch, 30cal) was right around 500, so I didn't feel too terrible. I did go over to my other friend's house for gamenight, where I did give in and have a lemon cookie, but I only had one and they were really small, about the size of a silver dollar-so I doubt they could have been more than 50-60 each, which still leaves me under 600 for the day.
   Today, though, has been kind of rough. I had planned to go to Hot Yoga at 10am, and despite still being sick and feeling like shit, I told myself that I HAD TO GO! So, I forced myself to get up, get dressed, and go to the Hot Yoga studio. Now, for those of you who don't know, Hot Yoga is basically 100 minutes of high-intensity Yoga in 100 degree heat. It is supposed to be really great for your joints, loosen you up, and boasts the ability to burn between 500 and 900 calories in a single session. I've done it before, but never sick...and WOW, was it ridiculously difficult. Towards the end I didn't know if I was going to last for the full 100 minutes, I was having trouble breathing and afraid of passing out. So the last couple of positions I sort of half-assed, there was no way some of them were going to happen without me collapsing!
   When I left, I felt like i had been hit by a train. And yet, the crazy part is that I was still glad I went. I thought, "Well, you may feel worse than ever-but just think of all the calories you burned!" Ha. Well, I still hadn't eaten breakfast, so when I got home I made some egg whites and Veggie Bacon (100cal together). I over cooked the bacon a little, though, and in order to make it taste better I put some salsa on it, which may have added between 10-20 cal. I've been drinking nothing but Alka-Seltzer medicine water and Life Water, but have been getting cravings all day for BAD FOOD! I kept fighting it off by having a 1/4 piece of matzo, (around 30cal), and then a string cheese (50cal), but nothing really seemed to help.
   See, the problem is that my roommate, whom I really do love, also has an affinity for TERRIBLE FOOD! So, I can buy nothing but fruit and veggies, but then still have to stare at her Triple Chocolate Ice Cream, and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and Chocolate Fudge, and Nutella in the fridge/freezer/cabinets! It's so difficult sometimes! Well, at around 5, I gave in to a "Mini-Binge": about 5 break off squares of chocolate chip cookie dough with about a cup of triple chocolate ice cream! OMFG, it was SOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!!!!! It was like heaven in my mouth (That's What She Said!). But, of course, once I realized what I had done and how many calories I had just consumed and how I ruined whatever benefits from Hot Yoga I would have gotten, I promptly went to the bathroom and purged everything. Luckily, ice cream is one of the easiest foods to purge and one of my favorite binge foods for that reason. Still, it took me about 20 minutes to get everything out, and with being sick, I felt extremely light-headed and dizzy when I was done. That was about 3 hours ago now, and all I've ingested since then is 4oz of water with my medicine.
   I'm not really looking forward to weighing myself and taking pictures tomorrow, as I'm worried I haven't lost much weight in spite of how hard I've been working. Not to be TMI, but I've also haven't been able to go to the bathroom in nearly 3 days now-so even though I've been burning more calories than I've been eating, I feel all backed up and bloated. My period finally ended, thank god, but I'm thinking I might have to take some laxatives or something tonight before getting on that scale tomorrow!
   Well, I'm falling asleep typing this-I think its all the cold medicine. Until tomorrow!

LM

What do you know? I'm capable having a great day!

   Yes, as it turns out, not everyday has to be filled with guilt, shame, and despair over what I have eaten, binged on, or purged! I began the day by waking up much earlier than I usually do, around 6:15am, because I wanted to use my community pool for doing laps before anyone else would be there. It definitely worked, as I was the only one crazy enough to be there that early, and had the whole pool to myself. Well, because it was so gorgeous out, and no one was there, I decided that instead of just swimming, I would add in some poolside Yoga. Now, I've done yoga a bunch of times, but nowhere near enough to have any kind of routine memorized. Luckily, though, I have an iPhone-and by god, there's a fucking app for that!
   For anyone else with an iPhone or iTouch-there is an app called "Lose the Belly" which is FREE and totally amazing and worth the download. All it basically is is a series of youtube videos for stomach and weight loss exercises that have been all grouped and compiled into one easy location. There was one called "Yoga for Weight Loss," and it was really basic and easy, and you just repeated the series six times. So that is what I did! It felt really great, and actually helped with my lower back a bit and relieved some pressure I had been feeling in my spine. I thought I'd snap a poolside pic of me on my makeshift Yoga Mat (aka Towel).
   After my little Yoga/stretch session, I was good and hot, and the sun had started to come out and I was definitely ready for cooling down in the pool. I had initially thought I would do a half hour, but hadn't anticipated doing Yoga for an hour first, so once I started doing laps I got tired pretty fast. I only ended up really swimming for about 15 minutes, but I was EXHAUSTED and more than OK with that. After the laps, I thought my muscles would appreciate a soothing dip in the hot tub, so I went in for about 10 minutes. It really did feel amazing, I put the jets right on my lower back and then on my thigh muscles. Once I was finally finished at the pool/hot tub, I went back to my place and made breakfast: 6 slices grapefruit, ~45 cal 1/2 cup egg whites, 50 cal Total: ~95 calories. And, believe it or not, it was more than enough! I had it with some iced green tea, which is 0 cal. Right after breakfast I did my ridiculously hilarious 6 minute Shake Weight video, which took...6 minutes. I love that shit. 

   Then I had some work to do, so I pretty much worked on my laptop until around noon, when I decided that it was the prefect time to go do the rest of my exercise for the day in a local park around the corner. I could not believe my luck when I got there...literally EMPTY! An ENTIRE park all to myself! I had kind of been worried I wouldn't be able to find a spot with enough room for me to jump rope and enough privacy to not be self conscious about my ab work, expecting there to be kids, or sports or something. Nope. No one. WIN! Took a pic of my private park...I ended up setting up camp on the basketball court since I figured the jump-rope probably wouldn't be so great in the grass. 
   I know that I wrote that I would be doing 10 minutes ab/10 minutes jump rope, but I quickly discovered that 10 straight minutes of jumping rope is about 5 minutes too long. So instead, I made an executive decision to alternate every 5 minutes instead, which worked out MUCH better. So I did 5 minutes of abs and 5 minutes of jump rope back to back for about 45 minutes. It was intense, but I felt really great afterwards! It was so nice out that I even managed to get a tan while I exercised, which was nice! Although, it probably would have been better if I weren't in gym shorts and a tank top-but whatever. 
   After the park workout I went home and made lunch. I had: 1 reduced fat cheese stick, 50 cal; 7 baby carrots,17.5 cal; 2 tblsp fat free ranch, 30 cal; crystal lite, 5 cal for a meal total of 102.5cal and bringing me to 197.5 for the whole day. And you know what? I wasn't hungry for anything else! I don't know if it is the working out, but just the thought of eating more meant putting more calories in me that could offset all the hard work I'd been doing, and that was enough to make me not want anything. After lunch I was pretty exhausted, and knew that I wasn't going to be exercising anymore for the day. But I did have more work to do, and it was still so beautiful out, that I decided to take my laptop down to the pool so I could work and get some more sun at the same time. It was really nice...the only thing that I could have done without was a call from my brother while I was working by the pool. My brother and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye on much, and he can keep me on the phone for HOURS just arguing and going on about things we will NEVER agree on. That kind of took about 45 minutes away from my work and enjoying the weather, but once I was finally able to end it by claiming my phone was about to die, all was good again. 
   Well, I actually have a date tonight...I know, weird. I'm kind of nervous about it because I'm not actually very interested, but at the same time I feel like I can't just be turning down the only person that's asking me out, you know? We are supposed to meet for drinks around 9, so instead of eating dinner I'm going to save my calories for a vodka and club soda or two! Wish me luck...

Diet and Exercise: Options and Plans

   I mentioned in my last post that I had sat down and made a diet and exercise plan. Well, I wasn't lying-I really did. The exercise side of it is much more of a "plan" in the traditional sense of the word, while the diet side of more of a list of interchangeable options. While I'm losing weight, I'll be eating from the following list of items:

Breakfast Options

Fiber One Yogurt-50cal/per serving size

Light Vanilla Soy Milk-80cal/per cup

Egg whites-25 cal/per 1/4 cup

Luna Bar- 180cal

Oatmeal (Coach's Oats Brand)-160cal/serving size (1/3 cup, dry)

*Grapefruit-~50cal/per 1/2 grapefruit 

*Watermelon (Slices)- 36cal/per cup

*Blueberries-~35cal/per 1/2 cup

*Raspberries-10cal/per 10 raspberries

*Strawberries-5cal/per 1 Large Strawberry

Lunch and Dinner Options

*Carrots (Baby)-35cal/per 14 carrots

*Brocolli (Steamed)-44cal/per 5oz or 142g

Light String Cheese (Sargento) -50cal/per piece

Babybel Light (Laughing Cow Brand)-50cal/per piece

*Lettuce (Iceberg)-10cal/per cup

*Lettuce (Romaine)- 8cal/per cup

*Cucumbers- 45cal/per WHOLE medium size cucumber

Pickles (Mt. Olive Kosher Dill Spears)-~5cal/per spear

Matzo (Yehuda Brand)-125cal/per full square (I break them and only eat 1/4 at a time)

Condiment/Fixings Options

Salsa (Newman's Own Black Bean and Corn)-10cal/per tablespoon

Fat Free Ranch (Hidden Valley)- 15cal/per tablespoon

Fat Free Italian (Wish-Bone)-7.5cal/per tablespoon

Mustard (Plochman's Mild Yellow)-0cal

Banana Peppers (Mt. Olive Mild)-10cal/per 20 rings

Sicilian Pitted Olives (Lindsay)- 10cal/per olive

Taco Bell Hot Restauran Sauce- 0cal

Salad Spritzers (Wishbone)- 1cal/per spray

Beverage Options

Crystal Lite- 5cal/per 8oz

Coffee (Cafe Bustello, Black)-2cal/per 80z

Green Tea (Bigelow, with Lemon)-0cal

Water-0cal

*Denotes Negative Calorie Foods

   Most of the foods probably sound familiar from my second post with a few changes and substitutions. Basically, I have all of those options to work with and switch around and throw together for all of my meals. I know that when you look at it, it probably doesn't seem like a lot, however, you would be surprised at how many meals you can make out of those ingredients! I think in either my next post or the one after I'll post a few great low-cal recipes that are some of my favorites. 

   As for my exercising, I'm doing some things a little differently. Usually, I pretty much do the same thing every single day, which is some combination of treadmill, yoga, pilates, free weights, and ab work. HOWEVER, I have decided to try switching things up a bit and alternate exercises on different days, while also incorporating some new equipment. Speaking of new equipment, I have to tell you what the fuck I bought the other day. Prepare yourselves mentally for this one, guys. Are you ready?

I BOUGHT A MOTHER-LOVING SHAKE WEIGHT!!!!!!!! 

  Yes, THAT Shake Weight. Laugh it up, but I've used it two days in a row now, and you can really feel that shit! I may have been converted into a Shake Weight believer! It comes with this video that you can do the exercises along with, and its supposed to be 6 minutes a day, but I've been doing it once in the morning and once at night for a total of 12 WHOLE MINUTES! Haha, we'll see how toned my arms get!
   In addition to the Shake Weight, I also bought a jump rope and will be doing Hot Yoga once a week. So, here is the schedule:

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: 

1. Jump rope in the park, 30 minutes (10 minute intervals) 

2. Ab Work, 30 minutes (10 minute intervals) 

Tuesdays and Thursdays:

1. Treadmill, 45 minutes (alternating between 10 and 15% incline and 3 and 4mph)

2. Weights, 45 minutes (2 and 5 lb hand weights, and leg machine @ 45lb resistance)

Saturday:

Walk in park, 45 minutes

Sunday:

Hot yoga, 100 minutes

Everyday:

1. Shake Weight, 12 minutes

2. Swimming, moderate, 30 minutes

   So far, I've magically managed to stick to everything-although it has only been two days! I'll be sure to keep you guys updated, including if I have any slip-ups or binges. OH, I almost forgot! I made a Twitter account! Follow me at: http://twitter.com/FreeFromFood ! 

LM

Well, I did it!

   That's right, I actually went through with my colon hydrotherapy appointment yesterday morning! It was pretty weird at first, and I was definitely very nervous and even a little embarrassed in the beginning. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to go through with it...ESPECIALLY when I saw the tube thing that was supposedly going in me!!

   Well, as it turns out, the tube really only goes in no more than an inch-and it is very very small in diameter, even smaller than a finger. I'm not sure how much of a comfort that sounds like to anyone who has literally NEVER had ANYTHING in that, ah hem, region...but it truly is not difficult to handle, and actually not even uncomfortable. There is an initial sense of discomfort, however, it is much more mental than physical. I think that the fact that I have done small, at-home enemas in the past may have made the process a little easier-just because I learned a while ago that the best approach, so to speak, really is to relax. 

   With all that being said, I'm sure that the only thing anyone actually wants to hear about is the result! Unfortunately, at the end of the 45-minute session, I didn't lose any weight at all. In spite of this, I somehow felt much lighter, and also much healthier. I'm not really sure how to explain the feeling, because don't get me wrong-I was VERY disappointed about the lack of tangible weight loss-and yet, I really did feel internally as though I were 5 lbs lighter. Without getting too gross, plenty of *stuff* came out during the session, and I think that although whatever came out may not of weighed very much, it had probably been taking up a lot of space inside of me! Just having it out felt really good, and actually, it helped lessen some of my cramping and lower back pain that I had been experiencing from my period. 

   I spoke to the "colon hydrotherapist" afterwards about all of this, and asked if it was normal for someone to experience no actual weight loss. She explained that while most people do experience at least some weight loss with their first session, it is not unheard of for someone not to. She then asked me if I had ever done an enema before, or a cleanse, and also asked about my diet. Obviously, I wasn't going to admit that I was bulimic-but I explained that I am a vegetarian, that I add fiber supplements to a lot of food, that I take Miralax daily, and that I have done simple home enemas before. She said that all of that explained why I hadn't experience the same results as most first-time clients. 

   Basically, she explained that most people have never and will never do any kind of colon cleanse or home enema unless it is doctor prescribed before a surgery (like a colonoscopy). Additionally, most people are not vegetarians, and do not get enough fiber in their diets. Combine those factors with the typical American diet that is high in trans fat, preservatives, chemicals, etc-and she said most people have a LOT of CRAP (haha, figuratively and literally) and toxins to get out of their system. Because I've been a vegetarian for close to 6 years now, and do try to keep my digestive system relatively regular with the aid of supplements and gentle laxatives, she said that the majority of my toxins and waste is probably much more impacted and deeper than what is removed in the first session. 

   With all that being said, I still don't know how much of that is total BS and how much of it is true. I did a lot of research before getting the procedure, and I've done some after regarding her explanation to see if it has any merit. While I've found some evidence that she was being truthful, a lot of it comes from other websites promoting colonics, which makes me question their credibility or whether they are all in on this scheme to convince people to pay up to $150 per session for 6 sessions by telling people that more will come out in the next session. Luckily, the place I had it done at is $75 per session-however that is still not cheap! 

   In evaluating my experience, I decided to book a second session. I figure, for one more session, I can see if she was BSing me or not about how the results would be better if I did it again AND worst case scenario, I still don't lose any weight-but I still feel better again. My next appointment is for June 2, as I'll be out of town next week and didn't really know about the safety issues in having two in the same week. I also tried to take some pictures, but they aren't very good quality as they were just with my phone!

   So this one I took while I was laying in the bed/basin thing...I actually don't really know what to call it. These are my legs under the blanket. I probably should have explained somewhere that there are two kinds of colonics, "closed" and "open." I had an "open" one. I'm not sure how to explain the difference without getting really graphic and gross-so I'll do my best and just hope that we are all adults! Plus, If you're still reading, then you probably aren't that bothered, right? So, a "closed" system involves a slightly bigger tube going slightly further in, and it basically blasts water inside of you and then vacuums or sucks everything out, and repeats. In an "open" system, its just the little thin tube that only goes in an inch, and nothing sucks anything out, it is allowed to just come out naturally. So when you look at that picture, the sheet is covering my bottom half which is basically on a big toilet. I don't know how else to say that...so the water goes in you, and you just release when you feel the urge, it is just constantly flushed away underneath you. 

   This picture is of the tube that you can watch everything come out of, if you so choose. In the beginning it was really intriguing and I was watching, but after a few minutes I decided to just lay back, relax, and not strain my neck trying to see everything. It's so strange how something can be both disgusting and fascinating at the same time! I never thought that this would be something I would even DO, let alone DO and WATCH...but its funny how our own bodies amaze us. As you can see, nothing was really coming out when I took this one. 

   Here you can see that I didn't lose any weight. They have a scale in every room for you to weight yourself before and after, which leads me to think that the woman was probably being honest about most people experiencing more dramatic results-because I don't think they would encourage you to measure it before and after RIGHT THERE unless they were relatively confident that you would be pleased. Anyway, as you can see, it is smack dab on 110, exactly what it was when I went to bed the night before.  

   And that about wraps up my post on my colon hydrotherapy experience! I meant to post this yesterday, but didn't have time to load the pictures from my phone until late last night-so I figured I may as well wait until this morning at that point! Today I am going back to my exercise and work-out schedule for the first time, and I spent about an hour earlier writing out a weekly diet and exercise "plan." It's kind of just a guide right now, but once I've fine-tuned it I'll post it! Have a great day everyone, and stay strong!

LM

You must promise not to laugh...

OK.
   Since it had been so long since I had been able to write, and now that I am back and re-devoted to my weight loss goals more than ever, I decided to go back and read all my previous posts to remind myself where I was at right before my Dad went in the hospital. Well, I realized that my last post had been shortly after I returned from my trip to Wisconsin, and when I had left my camera battery there AND had the batteries in my scale die! I had promised to start posting some pictures once I got both of those integral pieces of equipment up and running, so, I have dutifully taken some photographs.

   Of course, I got my period this morning-so on top of my debilitating cramps and lower back pain, I've also been the lucky winner of TWO-COUNT 'EM-TWO extra pounds of bloated grossness. Perfect timing for picture taking. {Note my sarcasm} Anyway, I'm not going to let that cause me to go back on my promise-so I'm still posting the pics, which means my devotion to this cause can NEVER be questioned, lol. Try not to gag, whether at my body or my ridiculously messy bathroom.


Here is a front view. As you can no doubt see, I carry most of my weight in the stomach, hip, and thigh areas. I have a pretty small upper body and (tragically) only wear an A-cup. I would also like to have a moment of silence for my mis-matched bra and panty combo. NOTE: This is what happens when you aren't getting any action.

And how could my humiliation be complete without a side view? I'm just kidding...I mean, not entirely, but I am voluntarily posting these in the hopes that having them public will help in my motivation to lose the extra weight I've gained. The plan is to post new pics once a week here. They will be on Mondays, today's is the exception as it is the first one and I didn't want to wait another week. Hopefully we'll be able to start seeing a difference soon!

Sorry for the bad lighting and flash on this one-not that it hinders reading those dreaded fucking numbers! Here I was thinking I had only gained 4-5lbs...well, thanks to everyone's favorite monthly visitor, lets make that 6-7lbs. Oh yes. 108 to 110 overnight. Thanks, bloating. FML.
   I actually took about a 45 minute break today and wrote out a ridiculously long post explaining what my plan for losing weight is the next month, with what I'll be doing the same and what I'll be changing around. However, it really is absurdly and unnecessarily long, especially since I realized that a lot of it I'm repeating things I said in my first or second post regarding certain foods and products. Thus, in order to respect both your time and mine, I'm instead just going to briefly write about only the things I am trying/doing that are different. 
   The biggest thing that I'm doing that I have never tried before is Hot Yoga. Also known as Bikram Yoga, I've done it about 4 times before, but always sporadically and never as a part of my regular diet and exercise routine. I found a local studio that has 10 classes for $100, which I thought was pretty fair. I'm thinking that I'll go twice a week for 5 weeks and see how I feel about it. In conjunction with my mostly negative-calorie diet and cardio exercises, I'm hoping this addition will really boost my weight loss.
   Next, I'm trying to add more fiber to my diet without a ton of calories in order to lessen water weight, constipation, and bloating which always seem to become problems for me at some point when I'm living on under 500 cal/per day and exercising 2+ hours. I'm doing this both with fiber supplements added to beverages and ground flax seeds that I can sprinkle into anything (yogurt, cereal, oatmeal...)
   In the same sort of "digestive health" vein, I'm also exploring some products and services that claim to promote colon cleansing and detoxifying. I kind of mentioned colon hydrotherapy in my last post, and my appointment is tomorrow morning at 9am. I'm a little anxious about it, but at the same time extremely intrigued. If it gets too weird or uncomfortable, I may not go through with it-but I am certainly going to make a good-faith effort. Additionally, I bought a product called "Colon Cleanse" (clever, eh?) that is basically pure psyllium husk (parts of a seed from a Middle Eastern plant that aids in digestion) which you mix into 8oz of liquid.
   Anyway, I'm sure that tomorrow's post will be very interesting. Any readers ever tried colon hydrotherapy? I'm going to see if they let me take pictures or anything. Maybe they'll even let me just sit with my laptop and blog, lol! Until tomorrow ~

LM