Whoopsy Daisy!

Why hello there!
   I got back into town as planned Wednesday around 10am, and I walked into my apartment to find...that our electricity was turned off. This was QUITE perplexing to me, as before I left I had left a utilities check on the kitchen counter for my roommate to mail in. Well, apparently, she forgot. SOOOOOO I had to pay it immediately online, and they don't just "turn it back on" with the push of a button, they have to set up an appointment to come out to your place and physically turn it on.
   Luckily, I had that Rape Aggression Defense class (henceforth to be referred to as RAD to keep me from typing that all out every time), so I was able to get out of the stifling heat and lack of internet and television from 1-5pm at least. Imagine my surprise when I came back, and it STILL wasn't back on! Ya. I had to sleep practically naked to tolerate how effing hot it was, and it finally got turned back on last night-thank god! So, now that I've had the opportunity to wake up NOT in a pool of sweat, have my breakfast, read the paper...I decided it was finally the perfect time to post-since I have power again, and all.
   First things first: I can't stress enough how much your following and comments mean to me! Thank you so much! This post actually might get a little too long because I have so much to say that I kept saving or putting off for my "next post," not realizing that it would be like 3 days! I'll try my best to be mindful if it gets too ridonkulous, and maybe split it into two posts if I have to.

   That being said, I have lots of glorious photographs for your enjoyment! Not to bring up all sorts of old news or anything, but I've been meaning to post some pictures from my birthday so that you can appreciate how ridiculously delicious my dinner was! Unfortunately, I didn't think to take pictures until AFTER we had devoured the Mushroom Crostinis, so they are absent. I got everything else though!

Caprese Salad

Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce

I also took pictures of my friends' meals, because they looked SO good even though I don't eat meat. 

This would be Veal Milanese (veal scaloppini breaded and pan-fried, topped with marinated tomatos and fresh greens)

Lobster Ravioli in Fontina Cream Sauce

And of course...The Cake! Double Chocolate Layer Cake, to be exact. 

   So, ya-that was my birthday dinner! I know it's kind of silly to post the pictures now, but ever since I left my parents' place on Tuesday, I've been back to some extreme restriction in the hopes of reaching my goal of 101lbs by Monday, in spite of having missed last Monday's 103lbs. And when I'm fasting or doing intense restriction, obviously all I think about is delicious food! So in a weird way looking at the pictures from that dinner lets me remember how good it tasted, and then I sort of feel like I ate it again! It might be crazy, but its stopped me from bingeing TWICE now, so I'll take it. 

   Speaking of Monday's goal...I'm once again switching up my plan a bit, but not much. Basically, instead of complete fasting and not eating anything from Tuesday to Monday while exercising like I did for the three days that I went from 110.2 to 104.6, I'm allowing myself 125 cal per day in the form of 2 Fiber Supplements (15cal together) and a 1/2 cup of Fiber One ORIGINAL Bran Cereal (60cal) with 1 Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal). So, with just chewing two supplements and having a small 110cal breakfast in the morning, I'm getting 93% of my daily value of fiber. I eat the cereal and yogurt about a half hour after waking up, and then I take the supplements at lunch time. Since they are in gummy-form, they are actually kind of good so I like pretending that they are a meal, lol. The rest of the day I just drink water or green tea, 1/2 cup every half hour or so, alternating between the two. 

   The "rationale" behind this approach (I put it in quotation marks because...let's be real, nothing we do is really "rational") is that I'm kind of obsessed with Tanya Zuckerbrot, and I watch all of her Youtube videos, and try to catch her whenever I know she's going to be on TV. For anyone wondering who the hell she is, she is this celebrity dietician who wrote "The F-Factor Diet" and also started the website Skinny in the City, which I am also totally obsessed with. Basically the idea is to have a diet rich in fiber, because fiber is undigestible but very filling. So when you eat fiber, it fills you up and moves right through you, aiding in more regular bowel movements and helping you lose weight. Well, obviously, she does not endorse disordered eating and I've taken her basic premise to the extreme-but ya, that's what I'm doing right now. I decided to try it after being incredibly frustrated by the fact that even though you can lose weight very quickly by fasting and exercising, it also screws with my digestive system, and I end up constipated, bloated, and retaining water...which makes me feel disgusting. I figured, there has to be a way to eat very little but do something to help with those side effects. It's only been yesterday and today so far (Tues and Wed I just fasted), but I definitely feel better than I usually do when I'm just straight-up not eating anything. I guess we'll see how well it really worked on Monday!

   In other news, I know I briefly mentioned in another post that I had been dress shopping for the Antigua wedding that is FAST approaching (like, holy shit its in less than two weeks fast!!!), but still hadn't found anything. Well...I did something kind of bad. Actually, it might be really good...but it could also be very bad. After my last dress shopping rampage at the the mall, I tried on at LEAST 30 dresses, and I was consistently a size 2 every time, which on the one hand felt really incredible, but weird at the same time because I don't feel like a size 2, I feel like a size 10. Well, I've always had it in my head that a size 0 is the perfect size. I remember when I was overweight in high school, and I would go through the racks of clothes I couldn't fit in, and I would look at the size 0s as if they were these mythological, fantastical creations. And I would think "Who on EARTH could fit into these?!?!" Then, I would overhear the pretty, popular girls at school talking about shopping, etc. and discover that THEY were all size 0s and 2s. Well, for the first time in my life, I'm a size 2. And yet, I'm still not happy. I don't feel as thought the size is translating to my weight, or the shape of my body. 

   Anyway, I'll stop the rambling. This is what I did: I bought this Nanette Lepore dress for the wedding...in a size 0. I've always wanted a Nanette Lepore dress, ever since I saw an amazing one on the Tyra Banks show in one of their "Makeover" episodes (I know, I'm a loser). Well, the store had it in a size 2 and a size 0...and I could have gotten the 2. But I had this tunnel vision moment, and I thought that if I bought it in a 0, it would give me even more motivation to lose weight and fit into it for the wedding! I thought, this is non-refundable, and non-returnable...(it was on sale)if I do this, I HAVE TO WEAR IT! So I made myself get it in a 0, and now that is what is pushing me through. Whenever I'm about to binge or am too tired to exercise, I look at the dress and tell myself "You are SO close! Don't fuck it all up now!!" Seriously, though-how freaking adorable is this dress? Normally I would think it was too casual for a wedding, but it is a beach wedding and my friend showed me pictures of the wedding dress she is going to wear...let's just say I have nothing to worry about. Other than fitting into it, that is! Another part of my reasoning was that, in addition to providing the motivation to GET into the dress, it would also provide me with the motivation to not go crazy and splurge once I get to Antigua, because I'll be there two days before the wedding, so I'll still have to fit into it the day of. I know, I'm crazy. But determined. 

   And on that note, I'm going to free anyone who is still reading from the clutches of my tangents! I did want to write a little bit about my RAD class, but I'll save it for after tonight, which is the final class. Stay strong, everyone! 

LM

En Route Update

Hola!
   Just dropping a quick line to say today I'll be travelling all day and probably won't be able to post until either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depending on how late I end up getting in. I'm signed up for this super-cool 3-day long Rape Agression Defense class at my local Police Department, that is from 1-5 Wed, Thurs, and Fri. I'm really excited about it-but that will take up 4 hours in the middle of the day-so if I don't get a chance to post tonight, it probably won't be until after the class tomorrow! But I have lots of pics and cool stuff to post, that I am anxiously awaiting the free time for! Ciao!

LM

Bittersweet

Hey all~

   As per usual, this comes just in the knick of time for tonight! What I'm probably going to do is just post the scale and body pics real quick, so that they are up and done with, and then stay up writing a longer, more detailed post afterwards. At least, that's the plan at the moment.

   You may have gathered by the title that there are both good and bad feelings involved with today's results. On the plus side, I did somehow miraculously manage to get down to 105-which is a helluva lot better than 109. However, my goal weight for today HAD been 103, and that didn't happen. Also, my parents' scale is a little...what's the word...hmm...SHITTIER than mine, so it doesn't show fractions of a pound, so I don't know if I'm closer to 104 or 106.

   The pictures themselves are also bittersweet for me, because in some areas I'm starting to see a bit of a difference, while in others I'm just NOT! For example, you'll notice that I've included an additional picture in this post: one of my collar bone. I've always just done the front and side views, but today I was feeling particularly happy with my collar bone area, and for the first time thought that it was actually starting to become more pronounced, which made me really happy. On the other hand, I continue to be frustrated with the complete LACK of any difference in my giant stomach! Of course, I understand that I didn't lose any weight this week, and that in the pictures I'm about .8lbs heavier than last Monday's pics, so I souldn't have expected any big difference. It's still frustrating, though, since my stomach/hips/thighs are the areas I'm most self-conscious about. Leave it to me to lose weight just from my tits and neck, lol!

   OK, it's picture time-say cheese!

Note the inferior technology

Front:

And yes, I did forget to shave under my arms. My bad.

Side:

I blurred out the arm stubble in this one, lol.

Collar Bone:

Sorry about how disgusting the bathroom mirror is! =(

That's all for now-with about a quarter of an hour to spare! More intense posting to come!

LM

Being Home is No Holiday!

Hey there, everyone!
   I got to my parents' place today, and finally got up the nerve to get on a scale for the first time since my birthday, which was Tuesday. As you know, the night before I had managed to get down just under 105lbs after a whole weekend of fasting and exercising. That felt SO good!
   The morning of my birthday, I let myself have a breakfast of 1/4cup egg whites (25cal) and 1 Fiber One yogurt (50cal). Even though it was a breakfast of only 75cal, it was incredibly difficult for me to make myself eat anything after the 3 days of fasting. But, I knew that my friends were taking me out to a great restaurant for dinner that night, and that I wanted to try and enjoy that birthday dinner as much as possible-which meant not making my first bite of dinner my first bite in nearly 4 days. I wanted to gradually build up to it so it wouldn't be impossible to do. Later for lunch I had 1 Wasa Crsipbread (45cal) with 1 Laughing Cow French Onion Light Spreadable Cheese Wedge (35cal) and some Spicy Olive topping (15cal), meaning I managed to keep my breakfast and lunch a little under 200cal. After lunch I worked out for about 1 1/2 hours, did about 45 minutes (400cal) on the treadmill, then did 2 miles on the stationary bike (which actually burns way less calories than you would think...the machine only said like 22cal when I was done!) and some free weights for my arms.
   I was feeling pretty confident that I'd done enough to allow myself to indulge for my birthday dinner. And indulge I did. I had an appetizer of Mushroom Crostinis, which were little pita triangles covered in gorgonzola cheese, olive oil, sauteed onions and Portobello mushrooms...they were TO DIE FOR! But, the plate came with four of them, and I only ate two and gave the rest away. THEN I had a Caprese salad, which was four giant, thick slices of tomatoes topped with equally giant, think slices of mozzerella, with basil and balsamic vinegar. ALSO ridiculously good, and again, I had two of the four and gave the rest away. Here comes the worst of it: Entree and Dessert. Oh yes...it was bad. For dinner I chose the Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce (which was EXACTLY as mind-blowingly amazing as it sounds) and for dessert I had the chocolate layer cake. With the tortellini, I asked for a to-go box and put half of it away before I started eating, so that I wouldn't eat more than half. With the cake, I only had two bites and then passed it around the table for everyone to try...between the 7 of us, it wasn't hard to get everyone else to eat it. Still, though...compared to the 3 1/2 days before that meal, which was nothing + 170cal-that meal was BEYOND sinful. It was so awesome though, that I just kept telling myself "It's your BIRTHDAY! You're allowed to have this one great meal with your friends!" and "You can work it off the rest of the week!"
   What I hadn't really thought of or accounted for, however, when I made my weight-loss goals and schedule, was that literally the VERY NEXT MORNING after my birthday, I was leaving to visit my friend until today...and that RIGHT from her place, I was coming to see my parents until Tuesday. The reason this is such a problem, is that as most of you know, it is infinitely more difficult to stick as rigidly to your diet and exercise routines in front of other people, especially if those other people know about your ED and are hypersensitive to everything to do with food and exercise. I wasn't too bad while I was at my friend's...the worst thing I ate was some vegetable fried rice, and I only had about 1/2 cup. But the problem was, even though I wasn't going crazy and eating like a madwoman-I wasn't getting in my normal amount of exercise. The 45 minutes of floor exercise and ab work I was able to squeeze in before she woke up in the mornings was really nothing compared to what I was doing before I left. I wanted to weigh myself SO BADLY so that I could get my bearings and try and evaluate how many lbs my birthday dinner had cost me and how far I had to go till my next Monday weigh in...but she doesn't own a freaking scale! UGH
   Like I said in the beginning of this post, I finally did get to a scale today...and it was so depressing that I think it was borderline traumatic. 109lbs. You know that moment when you step on a scale, and you KNOW you've gained weight, but you're hoping it's only a little bit, or within a certain range? Like, I was silently praying and wishing to myself in my head "Please don't be over 107, please don't be over 107..." over and over again. When that 109 popped up, I almost fainted I was so heartbroken. I went into my room and just sat on the bed rocking back and forth, crying, on the verge of hyperventilating. My initial thought after I calmed down a bit, was that last weekend I went from 110.6 to 104.2 in only 3 days, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could go from 109 to 103 by Monday night.
   The problem is, last weekend I was at my own apartment, with my own privacy and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I was able to eat nothing, exercise to my heart's content...and even do hot yoga (for which there is NOT a studio where my parents live!). Now I'm home, and although my parents don't exactly watch me 24/7, and we don't really sit down for meals together unless we're dining out...it is still extremely hard for me to hide eating nothing from them. Eventually, I get asked "When was the last time you ate?" or "What did you have for ________ ?" PLUS, in addition to fasting being so impossible when I'm home, I don't have access to the same exercise equipment and studios that I do where I live. I already said there's no Hot Yoga studio here, but at my apartment I have a 24 hour gym, and here...well, I don't. Which means anything I want to do for exercise I'll have to either do behind closed doors in my room, or try to escape for long enough to actually run a few miles or go to a park.
   The only thing I ate today was dinner at this little Italian place my parents love-which was good, but super fattening and calorie packed...which is why I purged it as soon as we got home. I was a little nervous they would catch on, but luckily my dad was tired and went to bed and my mom went to run some errands, so I was able to just purge undeterred for like 20 minutes in the bathroom. I've been drinking a ton of tea and water, and took double the amount of fiber supplements, trying to force my body to eliminate some of the water weight and cleanse out what I can. Going to go for a run in the morning before my parents wake up-Sunday is the only day that both of them have off, so they always sleep in-which will let me be gone for a solid 2 hours or so before they get up.
   Basically, I'm going to try my best to do everything I can to get my weight as low as possible by Monday night-but I'm not overly optimistic that I'm going to be able to reach my 103 goal. Right now I kind of just hope I can get it down to at least 105 or so, so that when I get back to MY LIFE on Tuesday, I can spend the whole week instead of just a weekend doing whatever I have to do to reach my next goal.
   Sorry this was so long, but I hadn't been able to sit down and write a reall post in a few days. Thanks so much for reading and your support! Special shout out to Liz for always hitting me up with great comments =) Wish me luck for tomorrow and Monday, I'll post Monday night with my weekly update and pics--no matter how dismal they are. Good night, and stay strong!

LM

Real quick...

   Hey guys-I'm out of town visiting a friend until Saturday, then visiting my parents until Tuesday. My birthday was really great, and I'll post some pictures when I have time at my parents' place. I am eating food again, but trying really hard not to eat too much. It's been hard being out of town, maintaining strict diet routines is always more difficult when you aren't at your own place, with your  own food, and the privacy to eat/not eat/purge whatever you want and exercise as much as and whenever you want. In spite of that, I have been trying to be as careful as possible and have been waking up earlier to get in at least 45 minutes of exercise before my friend or her boyfriend are awake to notice.    I haven't weighed myself since Monday, have been too scared that it has gone up since resuming solid foods. Can't weigh myself here...not only does she not have a scale, but she knows about my food *issues* and is hypervigilant and hypersensitive about diet/weight related around me. Depending on what I weigh when I get to a scale on Saturday, I may or may not be doing another food strike/exercise rampage combo for the weekend.
   Won't be able to post again until late Sat/early Sun. Will give more thorough birthday and trip details then. Got to give my friend back her laptop now and go to bed. Night!

LM

I EFFIN DID IT!!

   Post number TWO for today, with about 1 1/2 hours to go before my birthday! This is going to be REALLY quick, since my earlier post was a bit lengthy and I have some friends coming over to watch the Intervention MARATHON that is on tonight! I LOVE Intervention.
   Anyway, as the title of this post may suggest: I DID IT! 104.2lbs! Still no food since Friday's debacle, can't wait to sleep in tomorrow morning-was pretty sore, tired, and light-headed towards the end of today. Without further ado, my pictures:

 

Like before, had to adjust the lighting on the picture a bit to make the numbers more visible. 

Front View

Side View

Well, that's really all I have to report at the moment. Can anyone see a difference? I'm starting to get a little discouraged that I'm almost 6lbs down and still look the same. Good night, all! 

LM

WHOA-FREAK OUT MODE!

   This isn't going to be a particularly motivational post. Basically, was doing really amazing until late Friday night, had kept it between 250-450cals each day and burned between 500-1000 with exercise....was feeling really great. But I really fucked up Friday night. Friday afternoon i weighed myself and I was down to 106.2, which made me really happy because I was on my way to my 105 goal for today. I was even feeling so well that I went shopping for my dress to wear at my friend's wedding in Antigua-something I usually hate doing, because I can't stand trying on clothes in the mirror and being reminded of my size. I spent a solid 3 hours shopping, trying on dresses in 5 different stores, and was so happy that I was consistently a Sz. 2 everywhere...which just made me want to hold out and not buy anything until I reach a Sz. 0.

   Well, I was feeling a little too good, I guess, and decided I deserved a relaxing afternoon off with one of my friends that I hadn't hung out with in a while. Problem is, this particular friend and I NEVER hang out without getting HIGH AS A KITE. And I had been dutifully abstaining from drugs and alcohol, since I know they just facilitate binges. Long story short: by 12:30AM, I had eaten half a box of Wheat-Thins, half of a small cheese platter, and an ENTIRE MEDIUM PIZZA with pineapple and banana peppers!!!! It was SO DISGUSTING! And the whole time, I kept thinking "No big deal, I'll just purge when I get home." But then I kept getting HIGH and NOT LEAVING! Ugh. I haven't been that angry at myself in a really long time. It was SUCH a lapse in judgement on my part...I KNOW that I have incredible self control and motivation when I am SOBER...and very little when I am not. Epic fail. 

   So, I ended up sleeping over because I never got sober enough to drive home, and when I finally did come home Saturday morning, I weighed myself. 110.6. One night of getting high and eating whatever I wanted, and I went from 106.2 to 110.6 in less than 24 hours. ONE NIGHT erased about two weeks worth of hard work and discipline. I went into total FREAK OUT mode-and haven't had a single bite to eat since that Pizza late Friday night. I went out and bought some new diet pills, because I had run out of mine. I've been on an exercise rampage, while having nothing but water and fiber supplements. 

   It's hasn't been easy, but between the no eating and 2-3 hours of exercise all day Saturday and Sunday, and so far 30 minutes early this morning...I think I've finally counter-acted Friday night's binge. Last I weighed myself was late last night (Sunday) and I was down to 105.6. I'm hoping that by the time I take my weekly pictures and do my Monday weigh-in later today, that 0.6lbs will be gone. I refuse to eat a single morsel of food until I am 105lb or less. I almost broke last night and I went as far as putting a handful of raisins in my mouth...and I chewed them for about 15 seconds before spitting them out. I hate living like this, I was really trying to avoid reverting to this kind of extreme behavior...but I can't help it I guess. 

   I'm doing a 10:15 cycling class in an hour, and I've already done 30 minutes of Yoga when I woke up. I also went out and bought three exercise and fitness magazines/guides, and yesterday I did about an hour of moves from one of them for core work and muscle strengthening. I think I'll do another set of them later after the cycling class. Whatever it takes to burn as many calories as possible. Every hour I'm drinking about a half a cup of either water or green tea. 

   I have a therapy appointment later today, I don't think I'm going to be totally honest about what I'm doing right now. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm afraid if I'm honest my therapist will want to hospitalize me, and I really don't want to be in the hospital for my birthday. Right now, I'm thinking that if I get down to 105 or less by tonight, I'll allow myself to slowly start eating again tomorrow, so that I enjoy my birthday as much as possible. I just wanted to update, will post my weekly pics later...hopefully featuring some good numbers!!

LM