Well hey there!
I spent most of yesterday recovering from my epic birthday night, in alternating states of hydrating and sleeping with a single outdoor excursion to my therapist's office. I'm finally pretty much back to normal and WIDE AWAKE, so I thought I may as well do something productive and pick up the bliz-og. It's gunna take a little bit to get back into writing again, but I'm already happy that it's back in my life.
My friends took me to a STRIP CLUB for my birthday! Ohmygosh it was epic. I had somehow managed to go my entire life (well, I guess since I turned 18) without ever having been to a strip club, and it never bothered me, to be honest. I thought they were probably sketchy as fuck and since I'm a flaming liberal feminist at heart, I've also thought of them as degrading to women. So I had mixed reactions when that turned out to be my surprise...but guess what? This sister can admit when she's wrong-shit was off the chain. Thought I'd died and went to heaven! Even sprung for a private lap dance, which was also awe-some.
Of course, the hardest thing about birthdays (for me, anyway) is balancing the desire to have fun and celebrate with staying in the parameters of what is acceptable food and alcohol consumption. Now, what I deem to be acceptable food and alcohol consumption may different from your definition, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that anyone reading this blog's definition is probably different from the average person's. But everyone knows what it's like to overindulge, and most people can empathize with the guilt that can come along with that.
As I touched on in my last post, I've almost entirely eliminated binging and purging from my life, which is something that I never thought I'd be able to say in a million years. As my therapist constantly reminds me, I am still bulimic, but have shifted from SIV to over-exercising as a form of purging. I know that he's right, but I honestly feel so much healthier and better without all the vomiting. I was always sick, my throat always hurt, I felt like I always smelled like throw up, and I spent a really disproportional amount of my waking hours bent over a toilet. All that and I was still never happy with my weight, I was always hungry or thinking about food or anticipating my next binge.
I don't really "binge" anymore like I used to, where I'd just eat and eat and eat with the sole intention of purging afterward. I sort of just eat the same thing every day, which is boring. However, boring = predictable, and I like knowing how many calories I'm going to have that day, how many grams of fiber, how many grams of protein, etc. It keeps me sane and not running for the junk food isle at Walgreens at 2am. Of course, sometimes I allow something different for special occasions, like my birthday, in which case I try not to super stress and just eat whatever because it's my birthday-just let myself eat a little more than normal.
Like, normally for my birthday dinner I would just lose my shit. I'd think "it's my birthday, I can eat what I want" and then 4 bites into some ridiculous fried appetizer I've already decided I've had too much fat or carbs and that I'm finding a bathroom and purging the whole meal as soon as its over. And that's before the entree or dessert. And suddenly your birthday isn't that fun when you're over a toilet thinking WHY WHY WHY DID I EAT THAT?!?!
This year I took a new approach, which was to stay within the limits of what I would consider acceptable or normal on any other day, but then let myself enjoy a bite or two of an appetizer I might not usually get and a dessert. Sharing is caring!! Sharing saves my life!! I really wanted to try the parmesan spinach dip, but that's something I would normally steer clear of because of all the fat and grease. So, we ordered it (and fuck yes it was covered in grease), and because there were three of us and I still had an entree coming, I was able to just have about 3 bites without feeling guilty or wasteful because my parents each had some, too.
For my entree I just got a salad, which was made of spinach leaves and arugula instead of lettuce, and it had a goat cheese medallion on top with some walnuts and some kind of lemon-butter dressing. Now here, the salad was pretty much OK except for the huge hunk of goat cheese (which is my favorite cheese and oh-so-delicious) and the dressing. Walnuts have a high fat content too, actually, but there were like 5 halves, they weren't worrying me too much. So the cheese is what I wanted the most, but also what was prob the worst, so I immediately cut the medallion in half and set one half on the spinach dip so that it would get taken away. Then I asked for balsamic vinegar to use instead of whatever they gave me (balsamic vinegar = 0 cal), and now I felt fine about enjoying every bite of that half-medallion of goat cheese.
Dessert is the worst, but I really believe that some pre-planning and sharing make all the difference. Oh, ya. I forgot about the pre-planning. Unless the meal out is truly spontaneous for some reason, you can usually look up the menu beforehand for anywhere you're going to end up for a special occasion, and then budget accordingly. This particular restaurant was famous for it's "unique" desserts, like fried brownie wontons and cheesecake spring rolls. Ya, you read that correctly. What I actually wanted was the fried brownie wontons, and I wanted to eat all three of them by myself. But, I know where that road leads...so I compromised and got the cheesecake spring rolls (still totally decadent and ridiculous, but a lot less than the brownie wontons). There were two cheesecake spring rolls, and what I like to do is serve others first so that it both seems like you are being polite but you can only leave yourself the amount you want to eat. This works better for me than everyone just eating with their fork out of the main dish, because you might still end up eating more than you meant to. So, I just cut it all up and gave each of my parents a bigger portion than I left myself, and then I got to enjoy the best 3 bites EVER. Seriously, it was so fucking good it shouldn't be legal.
OK, that's all for now. Just wanted to share my big birthday meal, how I dealt with it without purging, and my strip-club extravaganza. Hopefully some of the tips can be useful to others, even though I know they seem obvious. I've actually read about 3 books about diet and nutrition during my little break, and they've really helped me a lot with how I approach weight loss/fat loss. When I next get the chance I'm gunna go in and change all my numbers, since they are mad old. Also, I can't wait to do a post about workouts/exercise/supplements. Til next time!
LM
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
"I can be changed by what happens to me, but i refuse to be reduced by it."
Today is my 24th birthday, and I decided that it would be the perfect time to re-enter the online world of social media. For months I've been trying to decide whether or not I should start blogging again, and if I should, when would be the right time to start?
Well, a lot has happened since I decided to stop writing. I'm thrilled to report that I've been accepted to law school in New York City, and will be leaving the south (hopefully) for good in August. During my break I busted my ass studying for the LSATs, applying to 15 law schools all over the country, and taking online classes to finish my undergraduate degree. I made the decision that I needed to focus everything on my future and getting the hell out of here, and that distractions like blogging and tweeting would have to wait.
Although I certainly missed this outlet, I believe that it paid off. I increased my LSAT score by 6 points from the last time I took it, which doesn't sound like much, but is actually huge. It took me from the 48th percentile nationwide to the 80th percentile, opening doors for me to schools that I previously didn't stand a chance at getting accepted to.
This time last year I remember starving myself for the days leading up to my birthday so that I could eat a birthday dinner. Today, I'm able to say that I have not skipped a meal in about two weeks, and that I am very much looking forward to my birthday dinner with my parents tonight.
This does not mean that I've magically "beaten" my eating disorder, I still struggle with it daily. Without going into too much detail (saving for the next post), I would say that I've largely become more of a restricter and exercise addict than binger and purger- although I still have my episodes every so often. Overall, though, I feel a lot better today than last year. Not that it's necessarily any better or healthier, but right now the exercising is providing me with the ability to five myself permission to eat and even enjoy food, albeit food I consider "healthy," which tends to include mostly "safe foods" like fruits, vegetables, protein and fiber. I can't wait to talk about what Ive been doing/up to in more detail in future posts, including exercise/diet regimens and my life in general.
I debated for a long time whether I should wait til I was permanently moved to NYC before rekindling the blog, as I thought that would truly represent my new start. But, I have a feeling that the days and weeks leading up to and immediately following the move and beginning of law school classes will turn out to be stressful and hectic-so I decided might as well start a little early-and what better than my birthday?
On that note, I'm going to run and get a quick gym session in before getting ready for the rest of the day. I'm really happy to be back, and I hope that everyone has been staying strong. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to sharing more in the posts to come!
LM
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Well, a lot has happened since I decided to stop writing. I'm thrilled to report that I've been accepted to law school in New York City, and will be leaving the south (hopefully) for good in August. During my break I busted my ass studying for the LSATs, applying to 15 law schools all over the country, and taking online classes to finish my undergraduate degree. I made the decision that I needed to focus everything on my future and getting the hell out of here, and that distractions like blogging and tweeting would have to wait.
Although I certainly missed this outlet, I believe that it paid off. I increased my LSAT score by 6 points from the last time I took it, which doesn't sound like much, but is actually huge. It took me from the 48th percentile nationwide to the 80th percentile, opening doors for me to schools that I previously didn't stand a chance at getting accepted to.
This time last year I remember starving myself for the days leading up to my birthday so that I could eat a birthday dinner. Today, I'm able to say that I have not skipped a meal in about two weeks, and that I am very much looking forward to my birthday dinner with my parents tonight.
This does not mean that I've magically "beaten" my eating disorder, I still struggle with it daily. Without going into too much detail (saving for the next post), I would say that I've largely become more of a restricter and exercise addict than binger and purger- although I still have my episodes every so often. Overall, though, I feel a lot better today than last year. Not that it's necessarily any better or healthier, but right now the exercising is providing me with the ability to five myself permission to eat and even enjoy food, albeit food I consider "healthy," which tends to include mostly "safe foods" like fruits, vegetables, protein and fiber. I can't wait to talk about what Ive been doing/up to in more detail in future posts, including exercise/diet regimens and my life in general.
I debated for a long time whether I should wait til I was permanently moved to NYC before rekindling the blog, as I thought that would truly represent my new start. But, I have a feeling that the days and weeks leading up to and immediately following the move and beginning of law school classes will turn out to be stressful and hectic-so I decided might as well start a little early-and what better than my birthday?
On that note, I'm going to run and get a quick gym session in before getting ready for the rest of the day. I'm really happy to be back, and I hope that everyone has been staying strong. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to sharing more in the posts to come!
LM
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A Bunch of Pics for Now
Hey guys!
I've been taking it upon myself to embark on various home improvement projects while I'm gainfully unemployed, so that I don't feel quite as useless. The other day I re-organized the kitchen by taking everything out of every cabinet, scrubbing the cabinets clean, throwing out everything that was expired (my mother SERIOUSLY had 3 cans of YAMS that expired in...wait for it...1997), putting everything back in a way that actually makes sense (i.e., coffee/tea cabinet, spices shelf, pasta/rice shelf, etc.). It took all day but I was pretty proud of myself and the kitchen looks like a million times cleaner and nicer because I threw out so much that it made room for stuff that was just cluttering on the counter.
Anyway, the next project was for me to re-paint my room (nothing crazy, just white-it's just that the old coat was so old it hadn't been done since my 13th birthday, so it was like dirty and not even white anymore) and drilling hooks into the back of my door. I know I was suppose to post some recipes and a bunch of my workout/fitness info, but a lot of my stuff I packed up and moved into my Dad's office while i've been painting so nothing got ruined. But, the good news is that I finished today, so I'll be moving the stuff back into my room tomorrow and will be sure to post then. For now though, I do have some pics already on my lap-top and some of my little project that I just thought I'd post until I can get out the knitty-gritty stuff tomorrow.
OK so this is basically how I was storing my purses before. Sadly, this is not even a 1/4 of them. I have a problem. So, this is what I came up with:
Which, I must say, was not as easy as it looks. Those six little hooks took me about 3 hours to get drilled into the door in the right spots, measured evenly. In fact, I originally tried to do it by hand with a screwdriver...which was definitely not happening. So I got to take a trip to the Home Depot and buy my very own adorable little power drill:
I'm very proud of her. She made the job much easier. Close up of the handiwork:
Oh yeah, baby! So here's how the purse situation is now:
Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. Of course, each of the big purses have like 6 little purses inside of them, or else the 6 hooks would never work. But I think it's better than the floor, where I could hardly walk.
So now for some body shots. These are a little different than how I usually do them, and I apologize for the really weird lighting effect. I was trying to to full-body, so instead of using the bathroom where the mirror only comes up to my hips, I used the wall mirrors in the kitchen, but we have this huge sliding glass door there where the natural light comes in and it made it kind of difficult with the shadows and stuff. But the idea is to show that even though I'm pretty much the same weight, I've noticed a difference in my muscle tone from the changes I've made that I wanted to show you.
I know this one is a little weird, but all I'm trying to show here is how much my upper thighs have smoothed out. Unfortunately they haven't gotten significantly smaller or anything yet or crazy toned like I hope they will eventually, but I usually have such bad dimpling, cellulite, and stretch marks there. I mean, they arent gone or anything, but they have become a lot less noticeable.
LM
I've been taking it upon myself to embark on various home improvement projects while I'm gainfully unemployed, so that I don't feel quite as useless. The other day I re-organized the kitchen by taking everything out of every cabinet, scrubbing the cabinets clean, throwing out everything that was expired (my mother SERIOUSLY had 3 cans of YAMS that expired in...wait for it...1997), putting everything back in a way that actually makes sense (i.e., coffee/tea cabinet, spices shelf, pasta/rice shelf, etc.). It took all day but I was pretty proud of myself and the kitchen looks like a million times cleaner and nicer because I threw out so much that it made room for stuff that was just cluttering on the counter.
Anyway, the next project was for me to re-paint my room (nothing crazy, just white-it's just that the old coat was so old it hadn't been done since my 13th birthday, so it was like dirty and not even white anymore) and drilling hooks into the back of my door. I know I was suppose to post some recipes and a bunch of my workout/fitness info, but a lot of my stuff I packed up and moved into my Dad's office while i've been painting so nothing got ruined. But, the good news is that I finished today, so I'll be moving the stuff back into my room tomorrow and will be sure to post then. For now though, I do have some pics already on my lap-top and some of my little project that I just thought I'd post until I can get out the knitty-gritty stuff tomorrow.
OK so this is basically how I was storing my purses before. Sadly, this is not even a 1/4 of them. I have a problem. So, this is what I came up with:
So now for some body shots. These are a little different than how I usually do them, and I apologize for the really weird lighting effect. I was trying to to full-body, so instead of using the bathroom where the mirror only comes up to my hips, I used the wall mirrors in the kitchen, but we have this huge sliding glass door there where the natural light comes in and it made it kind of difficult with the shadows and stuff. But the idea is to show that even though I'm pretty much the same weight, I've noticed a difference in my muscle tone from the changes I've made that I wanted to show you.
Full Body Shot, Front
Starting to see some more definition in my abs/stomach
Full Body, Side
I've noticed less dimpling/cellulite in my thighs
Calf
My legs are where I've noticed the biggest difference. I've never been able to see my calf muscle like this before.
So here I took a close up of my stomach so you could see that I'm starting to get a little bit of definition in the ab area, although it's kinda freaking me out that it looks like its only on one side, lol. I'll be like that weird guy from "Lady in the Water."
Here's a close up of my arms, which are the part of my body that I absolutely hate the most. They are way too big, so I am trying so hard to tone them up. But even after only a short time I'm starting to see a difference. I can actually see where the muscle is now instead of nothing but flab, but definitely needs a ton more work.
I know this one is a little weird, but all I'm trying to show here is how much my upper thighs have smoothed out. Unfortunately they haven't gotten significantly smaller or anything yet or crazy toned like I hope they will eventually, but I usually have such bad dimpling, cellulite, and stretch marks there. I mean, they arent gone or anything, but they have become a lot less noticeable.
And of course the normal collar bone shot. I think it looks exactly the same, which is ok with me-as long as it doesn't get WORSE, right?
OK, I'm off now. I'm meeting a friend for coffee in the morning at Starbucks, so I'll be sure to bring my laptop, camera cord, and my recipe journal so that when she leaves I can put up the info I promised.LM
Thursday, September 16, 2010
As promised
Well, I promised that I would take the time today to update on what's been going on with me, I guess both diet/weight wise and my life in general. I am fully capable of writing a 700 pg doctoral dissertation on this, but will try to contain myself. That is the worst about not posting in a while-we all know that I'm already a little wordy and talkative as it is, so keeping posts to a reasonable length after an absence is like about 1000x harder than normally for me!
If I actually went into every detail, I'd be typing here for the next few days. The super-duper-condensed-could-fit-inside-a-FB status-version is this: Stopped taking my meds after moving ->didn't get the job at the law office -> had depressive episode -> did nothing but sleep, cry, and binge/purge every day for about 2 weeks -> finally snapped out of it enough to get some shit together and go on 2 more interviews -> didn't get either of them -> OUCH -> my crazy ex-girlfriend who used to stalk me before I moved and duct-tape letters to my front door, drove 5 hours to where I am now and begged me to see her -> did not even respond, ignored her calls and texts b/c I knew nothing good could come from seeing her -> 1 week later she texted me that she "started purging to understand me better" and that I ruined her life -> told her she needed serious psychiatric help and to never contact me again -> my dad got sick with the flu and pink eye and I spent about 4 days taking care of him and disinfecting everything in the house -> had falling out with my 2 best friends and haven't spoken to either of them since -> still unemployed and running on empty -> only thing that keeps me going is working out right now. WHEW. So, maybe it wouldn't QUITE fit in a FB status, but I think that was a pretty admirable job, knowing me.
Sorry if it was pretty Debbie-downer-esque, but that's just what's really been going on. Haven't had any good news in a long time, and it seemed like every time I thought "OK, I can't take this shit anymore..." THAT is precisely when something else happened and it got worse. I've been feeling so alone and stressed and miserable and useless. I guess it's not fair to say that ONLY working out is keeping me going right now, to be most accurate it's probably more like working out and my therapy appointments. The only thing that could be called a ray of light since my last post is that I have found a new therapist down here, I really like him, and he's pretty awesome (aside from a tad too many questions about my mother, but I can live with that). Since I'm still out of work we've been meeting on Mondays between 12 and 1pm, but if I EVER find a job, I'm not sure what we'll have to do. Not thinking about that right now.
To keep myself busy I've basically been cleaning and re-organizing the whole house. It's times like these that my OCD really comes in handy. My parents' told me their kitchen hasn't been so clean and orderly in at least 15 years. BOOM! I also quit smoking (cigarettes, not weed-let's not get carried away here), which has been both good and bad. Obviously, it's good in terms of health benefits and saving money, and I genuinely have seen a marked improvement in my running stamina. But, of course, it's been bad in terms of just being something else stressing me out and one less outlet/release that I have. It's been approximately a week and a half since my last cigarette...which isn't exactly anything to write home about, but every day counts and it's getting a little easier.
There's also been a lot of changes in the diet/fitness/weight arena. Last I posted I was at 104lbs, and since then I got all the way up to 112 briefly and am currently back down to 103lbs. I've changed my diet and exercise plan entirely from the one I was following before. The thing was, it was working really well for a while, I dropped lbs very quickly while following it-but I was gaining weight even easier if I went off it even slightly. Also, it seemed like no matter how much cardio I was doing and how many calories the machine SAID I burned, I just sort of hit a plateau with my body. I absolutely could not get below 104lbs, and sometimes I'd gain 5lbs in one day from having 1 glass of wine or 200 extra calories. And, I know that when you have significant weight gains like that in such a short amount of time that it isn't REAL weight, it's just bloating/water weight/constipation/etc, but it's still really mentally trying when you kill yourself every day at the gym to see a certain number, then 1 time out of 5 times you decide "OK, one glass of wine with dinner won't hurt, I've been doing so well this week..." and you wake up the next morning and see the past week of work virtually ERASED on the scale. Nothing more upsetting to me than that!
So, I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong and went about stalking the health and fitness section at Barnes and Noble every day, as well as talking to some of my friends who are really into working out, including one who is a personal trainer. The overall consensus seems to be that you can't have sustained weight loss with such a low calorie diet, which is really difficult for someone with an eating disorder to wrap their heads around. Also, when you only do cardio on top of the calorie-restricted diet, then you are losing muscle mass instead of fat, which is what you want to lose. Everyone I spoke to, including the authors of the books I read (they spoke to me in my head), advised increasing my calories to about 1,600-1,800 per day, adding weight training and strength training circuits to my workouts, and alternating days between cardio and muscle building. It was also recommended that I try taking some creatine supplements for faster muscle growth and work-out enhancers for extra energy and fat-burning.
None of this was very appealing to me, I absolutely could not comprehend eating that many calories per day and not ballooning to 300lbs within a month. These suggestions seemed to go against everything I stood for, and everything I worked so hard to overcome. But the reality was that what I was currently doing wasn't working anymore, and the common denominator in my life since developing an eating disorder has always been that the second I changed anything, it equalled weight gain. I have always fantasized about getting to a goal weight and just STAYING there, instead of yo-yoing back and forth, which is basically what my life is: a constant cycle of gaining and losing, bingeing and purging, with my happiness and self-worth entirely dependent on the number on the scale.
So, I integrated the changes by gradually increasing my calories over about 2 weeks, venturing into the weight lifting/strength training machines section of my gym for the very FIRST time, learning what machines I liked best, researching which areas I should be targeting, taking Creatine supplements, adding more protein and HEALTHY fats (monounsaturated) to my diet, adding foods that boost HGH, testosterone, and progesterone production (all are important for burning fat, building muscle, increasing energy). It's been really, really hard. Ironically, I've found that eating and working out like this is actually at least TWICE as hard as the way I was eating and exercising before. Here I was thinking that it took all the willpower in the world to live on 300cals a day, but for someone who has had disordered eating for as long as I have, it was INCREASING the calories WITHOUT purging that has probably been the most difficult thing I've done in an extremely long time.
The first week was the worst, because I could feel myself gaining weight immediately. I had been warned that this would happen initially because my body was used to living on so much less, that it would store the extra calories for a while because it wouldn't know what to do with them. Everyone told me not to get on the scale until my body had a chance to re-calibrate and my metabolism could catch up. But, of course, that was impossible for me. When I got on the scale and it showed 112lbs, and the last I had been on it I was 105lbs...I almost had a complete nervous breakdown. It took every ounce of strength in me not to immediately purge whatever was in my stomach, do about 3 enemas, drink some laxative tea, and fast for the next three days. Even now, I still don't know how I calmed down, but somehow I was able to tell myself that I was warned this would happen, that I shouldn't have weighed myself, that it's not real fat weight, that I was also building muscle, etc. I talked myself off of that ledge, and then basically lived in sweatpants, sweatshirts, pajamas, and moo-moo dresses for the next week to avoid any tangible reminders.
But the crazy thing is that, it really did eventually start to work just like everyone said it would. I started dropping pounds again while still eating a normal amount of calories. Now, I've been following this program for about 2 1/2 weeks, and despite the first crazy insane gain, I'm now back down to 103, which I never in a MILLION years would have said was possible eating the amount I am right now. Also, I'm not just down, but I feel stronger and like I am very slowly starting to get some definition in my muscles. I don't exactly have Madonna arms or a Rhianna stomach yet, but for the first time I can actually envision it in the realm of possibility. I spend a minimum of two hours in the gym every single day, alternating between cardio, leg, arm, ab, and back workouts. I haven't purged since September 8th, so 8 days now...which is the longest I've ever gone without purging in about 4 years. Even when I was in a treatment center or psych ward, I still managed to sneak around enough to purge when I wanted to. I was in-patient for almost 3 months, and basically purged the whole time I was there without them knowing. So this is pretty monumental for me. My therapist thinks that I've just transferred my bulimic tendencies from SIV to over-exercising. This may be true, but I seriously feel the best (about my body, not my life) I've felt in a long time.
OK, I have to get back to the real world and start making dinner if I'm going to make it to the gym by 6:30 so that I can go out tonight with a friend by 9:30. Tomorrow I'll post some pics and also some recipes and more information that I've learned/stolen from some books. Seriously, I went into Barnes and Noble every day for a week and took about 4 books per day to a little unoccupied aisle where no one could see me, and then I unscrupulously and unapologetically sat on the floor and took pictures of the pages with the best information with my iPhone so that I didn't actually have to spend the money on buying any of the books. Unethical? Perhaps. But you gotta do what you gotta do in this economy! Tomorrow I'll break down what foods contain the highest amounts of certain hormones and nutrients, what they do for you, how many grams are recommended per day, some metabolism/BMR info, how to increase them, and the muscle-to-fat burning ratio. Some of the info has really helped me re-imagine how my body works and understand certain processes better. Alright, ciao for now!
LM
If I actually went into every detail, I'd be typing here for the next few days. The super-duper-condensed-could-fit-inside-a-FB status-version is this: Stopped taking my meds after moving ->didn't get the job at the law office -> had depressive episode -> did nothing but sleep, cry, and binge/purge every day for about 2 weeks -> finally snapped out of it enough to get some shit together and go on 2 more interviews -> didn't get either of them -> OUCH -> my crazy ex-girlfriend who used to stalk me before I moved and duct-tape letters to my front door, drove 5 hours to where I am now and begged me to see her -> did not even respond, ignored her calls and texts b/c I knew nothing good could come from seeing her -> 1 week later she texted me that she "started purging to understand me better" and that I ruined her life -> told her she needed serious psychiatric help and to never contact me again -> my dad got sick with the flu and pink eye and I spent about 4 days taking care of him and disinfecting everything in the house -> had falling out with my 2 best friends and haven't spoken to either of them since -> still unemployed and running on empty -> only thing that keeps me going is working out right now. WHEW. So, maybe it wouldn't QUITE fit in a FB status, but I think that was a pretty admirable job, knowing me.
Sorry if it was pretty Debbie-downer-esque, but that's just what's really been going on. Haven't had any good news in a long time, and it seemed like every time I thought "OK, I can't take this shit anymore..." THAT is precisely when something else happened and it got worse. I've been feeling so alone and stressed and miserable and useless. I guess it's not fair to say that ONLY working out is keeping me going right now, to be most accurate it's probably more like working out and my therapy appointments. The only thing that could be called a ray of light since my last post is that I have found a new therapist down here, I really like him, and he's pretty awesome (aside from a tad too many questions about my mother, but I can live with that). Since I'm still out of work we've been meeting on Mondays between 12 and 1pm, but if I EVER find a job, I'm not sure what we'll have to do. Not thinking about that right now.
To keep myself busy I've basically been cleaning and re-organizing the whole house. It's times like these that my OCD really comes in handy. My parents' told me their kitchen hasn't been so clean and orderly in at least 15 years. BOOM! I also quit smoking (cigarettes, not weed-let's not get carried away here), which has been both good and bad. Obviously, it's good in terms of health benefits and saving money, and I genuinely have seen a marked improvement in my running stamina. But, of course, it's been bad in terms of just being something else stressing me out and one less outlet/release that I have. It's been approximately a week and a half since my last cigarette...which isn't exactly anything to write home about, but every day counts and it's getting a little easier.
There's also been a lot of changes in the diet/fitness/weight arena. Last I posted I was at 104lbs, and since then I got all the way up to 112 briefly and am currently back down to 103lbs. I've changed my diet and exercise plan entirely from the one I was following before. The thing was, it was working really well for a while, I dropped lbs very quickly while following it-but I was gaining weight even easier if I went off it even slightly. Also, it seemed like no matter how much cardio I was doing and how many calories the machine SAID I burned, I just sort of hit a plateau with my body. I absolutely could not get below 104lbs, and sometimes I'd gain 5lbs in one day from having 1 glass of wine or 200 extra calories. And, I know that when you have significant weight gains like that in such a short amount of time that it isn't REAL weight, it's just bloating/water weight/constipation/etc, but it's still really mentally trying when you kill yourself every day at the gym to see a certain number, then 1 time out of 5 times you decide "OK, one glass of wine with dinner won't hurt, I've been doing so well this week..." and you wake up the next morning and see the past week of work virtually ERASED on the scale. Nothing more upsetting to me than that!
So, I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong and went about stalking the health and fitness section at Barnes and Noble every day, as well as talking to some of my friends who are really into working out, including one who is a personal trainer. The overall consensus seems to be that you can't have sustained weight loss with such a low calorie diet, which is really difficult for someone with an eating disorder to wrap their heads around. Also, when you only do cardio on top of the calorie-restricted diet, then you are losing muscle mass instead of fat, which is what you want to lose. Everyone I spoke to, including the authors of the books I read (they spoke to me in my head), advised increasing my calories to about 1,600-1,800 per day, adding weight training and strength training circuits to my workouts, and alternating days between cardio and muscle building. It was also recommended that I try taking some creatine supplements for faster muscle growth and work-out enhancers for extra energy and fat-burning.
None of this was very appealing to me, I absolutely could not comprehend eating that many calories per day and not ballooning to 300lbs within a month. These suggestions seemed to go against everything I stood for, and everything I worked so hard to overcome. But the reality was that what I was currently doing wasn't working anymore, and the common denominator in my life since developing an eating disorder has always been that the second I changed anything, it equalled weight gain. I have always fantasized about getting to a goal weight and just STAYING there, instead of yo-yoing back and forth, which is basically what my life is: a constant cycle of gaining and losing, bingeing and purging, with my happiness and self-worth entirely dependent on the number on the scale.
So, I integrated the changes by gradually increasing my calories over about 2 weeks, venturing into the weight lifting/strength training machines section of my gym for the very FIRST time, learning what machines I liked best, researching which areas I should be targeting, taking Creatine supplements, adding more protein and HEALTHY fats (monounsaturated) to my diet, adding foods that boost HGH, testosterone, and progesterone production (all are important for burning fat, building muscle, increasing energy). It's been really, really hard. Ironically, I've found that eating and working out like this is actually at least TWICE as hard as the way I was eating and exercising before. Here I was thinking that it took all the willpower in the world to live on 300cals a day, but for someone who has had disordered eating for as long as I have, it was INCREASING the calories WITHOUT purging that has probably been the most difficult thing I've done in an extremely long time.
The first week was the worst, because I could feel myself gaining weight immediately. I had been warned that this would happen initially because my body was used to living on so much less, that it would store the extra calories for a while because it wouldn't know what to do with them. Everyone told me not to get on the scale until my body had a chance to re-calibrate and my metabolism could catch up. But, of course, that was impossible for me. When I got on the scale and it showed 112lbs, and the last I had been on it I was 105lbs...I almost had a complete nervous breakdown. It took every ounce of strength in me not to immediately purge whatever was in my stomach, do about 3 enemas, drink some laxative tea, and fast for the next three days. Even now, I still don't know how I calmed down, but somehow I was able to tell myself that I was warned this would happen, that I shouldn't have weighed myself, that it's not real fat weight, that I was also building muscle, etc. I talked myself off of that ledge, and then basically lived in sweatpants, sweatshirts, pajamas, and moo-moo dresses for the next week to avoid any tangible reminders.
But the crazy thing is that, it really did eventually start to work just like everyone said it would. I started dropping pounds again while still eating a normal amount of calories. Now, I've been following this program for about 2 1/2 weeks, and despite the first crazy insane gain, I'm now back down to 103, which I never in a MILLION years would have said was possible eating the amount I am right now. Also, I'm not just down, but I feel stronger and like I am very slowly starting to get some definition in my muscles. I don't exactly have Madonna arms or a Rhianna stomach yet, but for the first time I can actually envision it in the realm of possibility. I spend a minimum of two hours in the gym every single day, alternating between cardio, leg, arm, ab, and back workouts. I haven't purged since September 8th, so 8 days now...which is the longest I've ever gone without purging in about 4 years. Even when I was in a treatment center or psych ward, I still managed to sneak around enough to purge when I wanted to. I was in-patient for almost 3 months, and basically purged the whole time I was there without them knowing. So this is pretty monumental for me. My therapist thinks that I've just transferred my bulimic tendencies from SIV to over-exercising. This may be true, but I seriously feel the best (about my body, not my life) I've felt in a long time.
OK, I have to get back to the real world and start making dinner if I'm going to make it to the gym by 6:30 so that I can go out tonight with a friend by 9:30. Tomorrow I'll post some pics and also some recipes and more information that I've learned/stolen from some books. Seriously, I went into Barnes and Noble every day for a week and took about 4 books per day to a little unoccupied aisle where no one could see me, and then I unscrupulously and unapologetically sat on the floor and took pictures of the pages with the best information with my iPhone so that I didn't actually have to spend the money on buying any of the books. Unethical? Perhaps. But you gotta do what you gotta do in this economy! Tomorrow I'll break down what foods contain the highest amounts of certain hormones and nutrients, what they do for you, how many grams are recommended per day, some metabolism/BMR info, how to increase them, and the muscle-to-fat burning ratio. Some of the info has really helped me re-imagine how my body works and understand certain processes better. Alright, ciao for now!
LM
Before Bed
I just took my trazodone, so this post is guaranteed to be short or abruptly end when I fall over. I was just laying in bed thinking about the current state of my life, and how various circumstances have kept me from updating for the past month-ish, and about how stressed and lonely I've been when I heard my iPhone make the "you have a new e-mail" noise. I wasn't going to read it right now, but something told me to just look at it. I did, and it was a notification that someone had commented on my last post, so I went and read it and decided to muster the energy and strength to write a post.
Since I usually post my progress updates on Monday nights, every single Monday that has gone by since my last post I've thought "Shit, I missed it today-I'll do it next Monday!" And then the next Monday comes, and so on and so one and it's the same old story. I'm obviously not going to go into everything right now, because I'm already starting to fall asleep, but I wanted to thank whoever the Anonymous poster is who commented and encouraged me to keep writing, because with how hectic and stressful everything has been since my move with job-hunting and my new therapist and some friends and family drama, I definitely let my writing fall to the sidelines-and it's not cool because this is often the only outlet I have aside from my therapist, and even there I'm not as candid and honest as I am here.
So I figured I owed it to anyone who is still reading or who has just found my blog to get back on the wagon, so to speak. I am still alive, and I absolutely promise to schedule in an hour block on time during the day tomorrow to give a more thorough update and upload some pics (yes, I have still been taking them-just not posting them). Thank you again, I've really missed the community! Good night.
LM
Since I usually post my progress updates on Monday nights, every single Monday that has gone by since my last post I've thought "Shit, I missed it today-I'll do it next Monday!" And then the next Monday comes, and so on and so one and it's the same old story. I'm obviously not going to go into everything right now, because I'm already starting to fall asleep, but I wanted to thank whoever the Anonymous poster is who commented and encouraged me to keep writing, because with how hectic and stressful everything has been since my move with job-hunting and my new therapist and some friends and family drama, I definitely let my writing fall to the sidelines-and it's not cool because this is often the only outlet I have aside from my therapist, and even there I'm not as candid and honest as I am here.
So I figured I owed it to anyone who is still reading or who has just found my blog to get back on the wagon, so to speak. I am still alive, and I absolutely promise to schedule in an hour block on time during the day tomorrow to give a more thorough update and upload some pics (yes, I have still been taking them-just not posting them). Thank you again, I've really missed the community! Good night.
LM
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Never thought I'd be this happy to be at home!
It's been about 4 days back home living with my parents now, ever since The Great Moving Debacle of 2010 ended. As bad/difficult a time I was having before I left, that whole experience put some stuff in perspective. My parents can be insane and impossible at times-but so can I! And at least they love me, and are giving me a place to stay while I figure my shit out, and have given up their whole house practically to become a giant storage unit for all of my stuff-not to mention they buy groceries and DON'T STEAL FROM ME!
Don't get me wrong, we still have our issues-but I think all families do. Granted, I do think ours can be significantly more abnormal than most, but there have got to be families that are worse, too! It is still a little rough while I'm job searching at the same time my mom is job searching, but setting up the wireless router has really helped with the sharing the one computer issue. My laptop is SO much better and faster, and I can just bring it anywhere in the house that my parents are not located, lol.
I think I mentioned before that I had a really solid, good interview at a great law firm about a week ago. I got called today to schedule the second and final interview, so it's now set for August 12th at 1:00PM. Now I just have to brush up on my typing and Quickbooks skillz. I'm not too worried about that, though-I'm more worried that one of the other candidates will just have more/better experience that I can't really compete with. But whatever-I made it there, too, right? Obviously they like something about me.
In the meantime I've been unpacking, exercising, searching for a new therapist, and battling evil fucking insurance companies. Just a day in the life. The unpacking is going really slowly-I just have so much stuff I don't know where to start! I'm def going to eBay or Craigslist my treadmill though, at least that could make me like a few hundred bucks to keep me going until I'm employed again. Since I joined the gym nearby, don't really need a personal treadmill anymore. I'm also going to be an extra in some random club scene being shot for some commercial...I know, it sounds pretty desperate/lame-but they are paying the extras $200 cash just to smile and look cute in the background. I'll take that ANY day. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to make that money, honey.
I haven't binged/purged in two days now, and I'm trying really hard to stay disciplined and just stick to my meal plan. When I don't eat too much, then I don't have to purge...it's just so much easier said than done. So far today I've had 3 small meals adding up to about 250 cals so far...but I'm going to the gym at 9pm, and I'm going to eat another 80cal before I go to give me some energy, and then I usually have 1/2cup of egg whites when I get back from the gym for the protein, which is another 50cal. So all in all I'll have done around 380-400 today, probably more like 425 if you include the fiber supplements. I'm happy with that-every time I go to the gym I do at least 450cal on the treadmill-more if I can handle it. Last night I stopped at exactly 450 because I was in a rush to get home for Real Housewives of NJ (I know, it's a guilty pleasure)-but the night before I stayed on for 565cals, which I was really proud of. When I'm done with cardio, I always sit in the sauna for 10-15 minutes. I might just be nuts, but I feel like I burn a little more with all that heat and sweating-and it feels really refreshing when you finish.
There is this little Italian place across the street that my parents really like, and on Mondays and Tuesdays they have a special on Large One-Topping Pizzas for only $5...so unfortunately, every Tuesday without fail, my father brings home a giant cheese pizza. I went downstairs into the kitchen for my last meal around 5:45pm (baby carrots with fat free ranch) and saw the PIZZA and almost fainted. I wanted to eat the ENTIRE PIE sooooooooo badly!!!! I just stood over it, smelling it, breathing in the cheese and the crust for about 5 minutes. Then I pretty much had to pinch myself, close the box, and sit down and eat my carrots. Sometimes eating something healthy can stop me from bingeing, because in my crazy head I think "well if I binge and purge now, I'll also end up purging the carrots, and those are good..." It stopped me this time...but there is still half a pizza in the fridge. I'm really hoping I don't succumb to a midnight binge later...
OK well I gotta wrap this up if I want to leave for the gym by 9-after going to 4 therapists in the area, I finally found one that I REALLY love...and surprise, surprise--he's the only one my insurance denied. I'm so fed up with calling and arguing with them! Sometimes I genuinely believe that insurance companies and people who work there are pure, unadulterated evil. I've yet to speak with a single person that has shown any sign of possessing human-like qualities such as listening, understanding, or problem-solving. I mean, I know it must suck to work for insurance...but c'mon-they don't all have to be such condescending douchebags. Anyway, if I have to go to one more therapist's office and start completely over again one more time, I'm going to pull my hair out and have a nervous breakdown...and I seriously doubt that I'll find someone better than the doctor I finally settled on. So, despite HAVING mental health insurance that is only a $25 copay for the offices in the network....I'll be paying out of pocket the private rate to stay with this guy. We'll see how this turns out. I agreed to it under the assumption that I'm going to get this job and be working again full time in the next couple weeks and will be able to afford the private rate. If I do not get the job...then I'll have to discontinue sessions until I get another one.
Alright-I'm off to eat a quick snack and then walk to the gym. Don't worry-I carry mace when I walk alone at night. I'm sure you were definitely concerned about that, lol. Until tomorrow ~
LM
Don't get me wrong, we still have our issues-but I think all families do. Granted, I do think ours can be significantly more abnormal than most, but there have got to be families that are worse, too! It is still a little rough while I'm job searching at the same time my mom is job searching, but setting up the wireless router has really helped with the sharing the one computer issue. My laptop is SO much better and faster, and I can just bring it anywhere in the house that my parents are not located, lol.
I think I mentioned before that I had a really solid, good interview at a great law firm about a week ago. I got called today to schedule the second and final interview, so it's now set for August 12th at 1:00PM. Now I just have to brush up on my typing and Quickbooks skillz. I'm not too worried about that, though-I'm more worried that one of the other candidates will just have more/better experience that I can't really compete with. But whatever-I made it there, too, right? Obviously they like something about me.
In the meantime I've been unpacking, exercising, searching for a new therapist, and battling evil fucking insurance companies. Just a day in the life. The unpacking is going really slowly-I just have so much stuff I don't know where to start! I'm def going to eBay or Craigslist my treadmill though, at least that could make me like a few hundred bucks to keep me going until I'm employed again. Since I joined the gym nearby, don't really need a personal treadmill anymore. I'm also going to be an extra in some random club scene being shot for some commercial...I know, it sounds pretty desperate/lame-but they are paying the extras $200 cash just to smile and look cute in the background. I'll take that ANY day. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to make that money, honey.
I haven't binged/purged in two days now, and I'm trying really hard to stay disciplined and just stick to my meal plan. When I don't eat too much, then I don't have to purge...it's just so much easier said than done. So far today I've had 3 small meals adding up to about 250 cals so far...but I'm going to the gym at 9pm, and I'm going to eat another 80cal before I go to give me some energy, and then I usually have 1/2cup of egg whites when I get back from the gym for the protein, which is another 50cal. So all in all I'll have done around 380-400 today, probably more like 425 if you include the fiber supplements. I'm happy with that-every time I go to the gym I do at least 450cal on the treadmill-more if I can handle it. Last night I stopped at exactly 450 because I was in a rush to get home for Real Housewives of NJ (I know, it's a guilty pleasure)-but the night before I stayed on for 565cals, which I was really proud of. When I'm done with cardio, I always sit in the sauna for 10-15 minutes. I might just be nuts, but I feel like I burn a little more with all that heat and sweating-and it feels really refreshing when you finish.
There is this little Italian place across the street that my parents really like, and on Mondays and Tuesdays they have a special on Large One-Topping Pizzas for only $5...so unfortunately, every Tuesday without fail, my father brings home a giant cheese pizza. I went downstairs into the kitchen for my last meal around 5:45pm (baby carrots with fat free ranch) and saw the PIZZA and almost fainted. I wanted to eat the ENTIRE PIE sooooooooo badly!!!! I just stood over it, smelling it, breathing in the cheese and the crust for about 5 minutes. Then I pretty much had to pinch myself, close the box, and sit down and eat my carrots. Sometimes eating something healthy can stop me from bingeing, because in my crazy head I think "well if I binge and purge now, I'll also end up purging the carrots, and those are good..." It stopped me this time...but there is still half a pizza in the fridge. I'm really hoping I don't succumb to a midnight binge later...
OK well I gotta wrap this up if I want to leave for the gym by 9-after going to 4 therapists in the area, I finally found one that I REALLY love...and surprise, surprise--he's the only one my insurance denied. I'm so fed up with calling and arguing with them! Sometimes I genuinely believe that insurance companies and people who work there are pure, unadulterated evil. I've yet to speak with a single person that has shown any sign of possessing human-like qualities such as listening, understanding, or problem-solving. I mean, I know it must suck to work for insurance...but c'mon-they don't all have to be such condescending douchebags. Anyway, if I have to go to one more therapist's office and start completely over again one more time, I'm going to pull my hair out and have a nervous breakdown...and I seriously doubt that I'll find someone better than the doctor I finally settled on. So, despite HAVING mental health insurance that is only a $25 copay for the offices in the network....I'll be paying out of pocket the private rate to stay with this guy. We'll see how this turns out. I agreed to it under the assumption that I'm going to get this job and be working again full time in the next couple weeks and will be able to afford the private rate. If I do not get the job...then I'll have to discontinue sessions until I get another one.
Alright-I'm off to eat a quick snack and then walk to the gym. Don't worry-I carry mace when I walk alone at night. I'm sure you were definitely concerned about that, lol. Until tomorrow ~
LM
Monday, August 2, 2010
Peek-chores
Now that Real Housewives of NJ is over, I got out my camera from the "electronics" box and took some pics. Still at 104lbs as of...about 20 minutes ago...hopefully that will steadily go down the rest of the week. I've been being so good, sticking to my 50cal meals spread out throughout the day. Like I said, I didn't step foot in a gym while I was away, but since I've been back I've gone each night (making that...two whole nights now) and burned about 600cal last night, and 500cal tonight. It feels good to be back in the gym, so hopefully that will start to show some results.
After that ridonkulous long post earlier, I'll just keep the rest to the pics for now. I'll save my new therapist search and the EVIL insurance company talk for another time. I've missed the internet and this community SO MUCH! I can't wait to stay up late reading what's been going on with everyone else!
After that ridonkulous long post earlier, I'll just keep the rest to the pics for now. I'll save my new therapist search and the EVIL insurance company talk for another time. I've missed the internet and this community SO MUCH! I can't wait to stay up late reading what's been going on with everyone else!
Amen.
This is my favorite bathing suit. Haven't put it on in a while.
LOL I look really tan but its just an optical (bad lighting) illusion. I wish I were this tan!
The collar bone zone...I think I can see a little bit of a difference.
The Juicy bathing suit test. Still not quite right..actually it looks exactly the same to me.
Juicy FAIL from the side.
That's a WRAP. Goodnight!
LM
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