Well, I did it!

   That's right, I actually went through with my colon hydrotherapy appointment yesterday morning! It was pretty weird at first, and I was definitely very nervous and even a little embarrassed in the beginning. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to go through with it...ESPECIALLY when I saw the tube thing that was supposedly going in me!!

   Well, as it turns out, the tube really only goes in no more than an inch-and it is very very small in diameter, even smaller than a finger. I'm not sure how much of a comfort that sounds like to anyone who has literally NEVER had ANYTHING in that, ah hem, region...but it truly is not difficult to handle, and actually not even uncomfortable. There is an initial sense of discomfort, however, it is much more mental than physical. I think that the fact that I have done small, at-home enemas in the past may have made the process a little easier-just because I learned a while ago that the best approach, so to speak, really is to relax. 

   With all that being said, I'm sure that the only thing anyone actually wants to hear about is the result! Unfortunately, at the end of the 45-minute session, I didn't lose any weight at all. In spite of this, I somehow felt much lighter, and also much healthier. I'm not really sure how to explain the feeling, because don't get me wrong-I was VERY disappointed about the lack of tangible weight loss-and yet, I really did feel internally as though I were 5 lbs lighter. Without getting too gross, plenty of *stuff* came out during the session, and I think that although whatever came out may not of weighed very much, it had probably been taking up a lot of space inside of me! Just having it out felt really good, and actually, it helped lessen some of my cramping and lower back pain that I had been experiencing from my period. 

   I spoke to the "colon hydrotherapist" afterwards about all of this, and asked if it was normal for someone to experience no actual weight loss. She explained that while most people do experience at least some weight loss with their first session, it is not unheard of for someone not to. She then asked me if I had ever done an enema before, or a cleanse, and also asked about my diet. Obviously, I wasn't going to admit that I was bulimic-but I explained that I am a vegetarian, that I add fiber supplements to a lot of food, that I take Miralax daily, and that I have done simple home enemas before. She said that all of that explained why I hadn't experience the same results as most first-time clients. 

   Basically, she explained that most people have never and will never do any kind of colon cleanse or home enema unless it is doctor prescribed before a surgery (like a colonoscopy). Additionally, most people are not vegetarians, and do not get enough fiber in their diets. Combine those factors with the typical American diet that is high in trans fat, preservatives, chemicals, etc-and she said most people have a LOT of CRAP (haha, figuratively and literally) and toxins to get out of their system. Because I've been a vegetarian for close to 6 years now, and do try to keep my digestive system relatively regular with the aid of supplements and gentle laxatives, she said that the majority of my toxins and waste is probably much more impacted and deeper than what is removed in the first session. 

   With all that being said, I still don't know how much of that is total BS and how much of it is true. I did a lot of research before getting the procedure, and I've done some after regarding her explanation to see if it has any merit. While I've found some evidence that she was being truthful, a lot of it comes from other websites promoting colonics, which makes me question their credibility or whether they are all in on this scheme to convince people to pay up to $150 per session for 6 sessions by telling people that more will come out in the next session. Luckily, the place I had it done at is $75 per session-however that is still not cheap! 

   In evaluating my experience, I decided to book a second session. I figure, for one more session, I can see if she was BSing me or not about how the results would be better if I did it again AND worst case scenario, I still don't lose any weight-but I still feel better again. My next appointment is for June 2, as I'll be out of town next week and didn't really know about the safety issues in having two in the same week. I also tried to take some pictures, but they aren't very good quality as they were just with my phone!

   So this one I took while I was laying in the bed/basin thing...I actually don't really know what to call it. These are my legs under the blanket. I probably should have explained somewhere that there are two kinds of colonics, "closed" and "open." I had an "open" one. I'm not sure how to explain the difference without getting really graphic and gross-so I'll do my best and just hope that we are all adults! Plus, If you're still reading, then you probably aren't that bothered, right? So, a "closed" system involves a slightly bigger tube going slightly further in, and it basically blasts water inside of you and then vacuums or sucks everything out, and repeats. In an "open" system, its just the little thin tube that only goes in an inch, and nothing sucks anything out, it is allowed to just come out naturally. So when you look at that picture, the sheet is covering my bottom half which is basically on a big toilet. I don't know how else to say that...so the water goes in you, and you just release when you feel the urge, it is just constantly flushed away underneath you. 

   This picture is of the tube that you can watch everything come out of, if you so choose. In the beginning it was really intriguing and I was watching, but after a few minutes I decided to just lay back, relax, and not strain my neck trying to see everything. It's so strange how something can be both disgusting and fascinating at the same time! I never thought that this would be something I would even DO, let alone DO and WATCH...but its funny how our own bodies amaze us. As you can see, nothing was really coming out when I took this one. 

   Here you can see that I didn't lose any weight. They have a scale in every room for you to weight yourself before and after, which leads me to think that the woman was probably being honest about most people experiencing more dramatic results-because I don't think they would encourage you to measure it before and after RIGHT THERE unless they were relatively confident that you would be pleased. Anyway, as you can see, it is smack dab on 110, exactly what it was when I went to bed the night before.  

   And that about wraps up my post on my colon hydrotherapy experience! I meant to post this yesterday, but didn't have time to load the pictures from my phone until late last night-so I figured I may as well wait until this morning at that point! Today I am going back to my exercise and work-out schedule for the first time, and I spent about an hour earlier writing out a weekly diet and exercise "plan." It's kind of just a guide right now, but once I've fine-tuned it I'll post it! Have a great day everyone, and stay strong!

LM

You must promise not to laugh...

OK.
   Since it had been so long since I had been able to write, and now that I am back and re-devoted to my weight loss goals more than ever, I decided to go back and read all my previous posts to remind myself where I was at right before my Dad went in the hospital. Well, I realized that my last post had been shortly after I returned from my trip to Wisconsin, and when I had left my camera battery there AND had the batteries in my scale die! I had promised to start posting some pictures once I got both of those integral pieces of equipment up and running, so, I have dutifully taken some photographs.

   Of course, I got my period this morning-so on top of my debilitating cramps and lower back pain, I've also been the lucky winner of TWO-COUNT 'EM-TWO extra pounds of bloated grossness. Perfect timing for picture taking. {Note my sarcasm} Anyway, I'm not going to let that cause me to go back on my promise-so I'm still posting the pics, which means my devotion to this cause can NEVER be questioned, lol. Try not to gag, whether at my body or my ridiculously messy bathroom.


Here is a front view. As you can no doubt see, I carry most of my weight in the stomach, hip, and thigh areas. I have a pretty small upper body and (tragically) only wear an A-cup. I would also like to have a moment of silence for my mis-matched bra and panty combo. NOTE: This is what happens when you aren't getting any action.

And how could my humiliation be complete without a side view? I'm just kidding...I mean, not entirely, but I am voluntarily posting these in the hopes that having them public will help in my motivation to lose the extra weight I've gained. The plan is to post new pics once a week here. They will be on Mondays, today's is the exception as it is the first one and I didn't want to wait another week. Hopefully we'll be able to start seeing a difference soon!

Sorry for the bad lighting and flash on this one-not that it hinders reading those dreaded fucking numbers! Here I was thinking I had only gained 4-5lbs...well, thanks to everyone's favorite monthly visitor, lets make that 6-7lbs. Oh yes. 108 to 110 overnight. Thanks, bloating. FML.
   I actually took about a 45 minute break today and wrote out a ridiculously long post explaining what my plan for losing weight is the next month, with what I'll be doing the same and what I'll be changing around. However, it really is absurdly and unnecessarily long, especially since I realized that a lot of it I'm repeating things I said in my first or second post regarding certain foods and products. Thus, in order to respect both your time and mine, I'm instead just going to briefly write about only the things I am trying/doing that are different. 
   The biggest thing that I'm doing that I have never tried before is Hot Yoga. Also known as Bikram Yoga, I've done it about 4 times before, but always sporadically and never as a part of my regular diet and exercise routine. I found a local studio that has 10 classes for $100, which I thought was pretty fair. I'm thinking that I'll go twice a week for 5 weeks and see how I feel about it. In conjunction with my mostly negative-calorie diet and cardio exercises, I'm hoping this addition will really boost my weight loss.
   Next, I'm trying to add more fiber to my diet without a ton of calories in order to lessen water weight, constipation, and bloating which always seem to become problems for me at some point when I'm living on under 500 cal/per day and exercising 2+ hours. I'm doing this both with fiber supplements added to beverages and ground flax seeds that I can sprinkle into anything (yogurt, cereal, oatmeal...)
   In the same sort of "digestive health" vein, I'm also exploring some products and services that claim to promote colon cleansing and detoxifying. I kind of mentioned colon hydrotherapy in my last post, and my appointment is tomorrow morning at 9am. I'm a little anxious about it, but at the same time extremely intrigued. If it gets too weird or uncomfortable, I may not go through with it-but I am certainly going to make a good-faith effort. Additionally, I bought a product called "Colon Cleanse" (clever, eh?) that is basically pure psyllium husk (parts of a seed from a Middle Eastern plant that aids in digestion) which you mix into 8oz of liquid.
   Anyway, I'm sure that tomorrow's post will be very interesting. Any readers ever tried colon hydrotherapy? I'm going to see if they let me take pictures or anything. Maybe they'll even let me just sit with my laptop and blog, lol! Until tomorrow ~

LM

Don't worry--I'm back!

Hey everyone~
   I'm sorry that I've been away for so long, but I had a family emergency that I had to leave town for. The day after my last post, my father had a heart attack and had to be taken to the ER. However, once he was there, it became apparent that his condition was much more serious than it initially presented-and scans revealed that all four of his arteries were close to 98% blocked. He had to have an emergency quadruple-bypass, and myself and my three siblings flew to be with him and my mother at the hospital, as the doctors were not optimistic about his chances given his age (he turned 70 in December) and health (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, overweight, etc).
   Although it has been an extremely difficult few weeks, I am overjoyed to report that my Dad has proven the doctors wrong, and is finally gaining his strength back. Since my Mom works full time and we can't afford an at-home nurse, I stayed to take care of him at home until he was strong enough and well enough to get back his independence. He has a long road ahead still, and his doctors say that he'll probably need another month of bedrest and physical therapy until he can return to work-but has made so much progress! I'm so thankful to still have him with us, and now that he has been doing consistently well, I've been able to come home.
   I wanted to thank those who commented and offered advice or support in my last post regarding my possible job relocation. In light of everything that happened immediately after, I declined the offer to work in Boston, and am instead looking into taking something in Miami--so that I can be closer to my parents. That way, I could help my Mom and Dad if they need anything, or just be there incase anything unexpected happens again with my Dad's health. So, it looks like I'll be moving anyway, just not to the Northeast.
   Now, how has this all affected my ED and weight? Not very well, I'm afraid. As you can imagine, my ED symptoms have been pretty out of control with all of this stress. Before, I had gotten my bingeing and purging down to all-time low, and was mainly ristricting with exercise. I had been losing weight, and was on my way to my goal of 95 lbs by May 10th...oh, imagine that...today. Well, it all went downhill pretty quickly starting with the immediate minutes after I got the phone call from my Mom that my Dad was in surgery. To make a very long story with countless excuses short, I pretty much went back to lots of bingeing on comfort foods, sometimes up to 5 times a day-and was often too exhausted to purge as thoroughly as I usually do, or sometimes even at all. This resulted in my gaining back some of the weight that I had lost, and I'm currently at 108 lbs.
   I have really mixed feelings about this in a lot of ways. First, after seeing my father come so close to losing his life, and watching his strength and determination to live, part of me feels like an evil, ungrateful, petty excuse for a human being to even be thinking about my weight. But I suppose that is what is so debilitating about this disorder. Then, with as much bingeing as I was doing, part of me is actually kind of shocked and impressed in a strange way that I only gained 4 lbs, as it definitely felt like at least 10. When I finally got the courage to weigh myself after coming home, I wasn't thrilled-but I was relieved. And, finally, I am of course disappointed in myself for losing so much control and gaining any weight at all-and that I have to start all over with new goals and new dates.
   I have started going through all of my clothes and sorting them according to what should be donated, sold, and kept. I have drawers, suitcases, baskets, and huge sections of my closet just filled with things that don't fit me-whether they are too small or too big. I went to Target and spent almost $100 on some new workout clothes and equipment, and justified it by promising myself that for each new piece of clothing I bought I had to get rid of 4 old things, and that for each piece of equipment I got, I had to lose 3 lbs.
   I know that I work best when I have goals to reach and some sort of tangible occasion or reward at the end, so right now I am focusing on one of my best friends' wedding. She is getting married on June 12th, and it is this incredible "destination wedding" in Antigua. It is going to be absolutely gorgeous, and is obviously very tropical-which means a lot of sun, bathing suits, and "vacation" clothes. At the current moment, I would rather die than be seen in a bathing suit. But I refuse to have this trip and her day ruined by my insecurities-so I am starting back on my previous regimen as of today with the goal of being 99 lbs by the time I leave for Antigua. The way I see it, that is 9 lbs in a month, which seems pretty reasonable and not too outlandish. I don't want to set myself up for failure by trying to be 90-95 by then, because I'll just drive myself crazy. Well, crazier. Ha.
   Speaking of crazy, has anyone ever done colon hydrotherapy, also called colonics? It's something I saw for the first time on some documentary about the expensive outlandish things that Hollywood stars do to lose weight...so of course I looked up anything that boasted ridiculous results. Well, with colon hydrotherapy, there were accounts of losing between 5-20lbs in one visit! I know, I know...probably too good to be true. But, I started researching it and found a place locally that does it-and it's not as absurdly priced as I expected it to be-only $75 per session. Now, don't get me wrong, $75 is still a lot...but no more than I've spent on food, supplements, clothes, etc on any given day.
   For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, here is a link. It's a little too awkward to explain in detail. Basically though. its a really intense 45 minute enema. Now, as gross and potentially embarrassing as the whole thing sounds, I just can't help but wonder if that would all be worth it to lose 5-20lbs in ONE HOUR! Well, I called and made an appointment for 9am this Wednesday, May 12th. For all the money I've wasted on other stuff that hasn't worked, and on food I've just thrown up, I figure what the hell, it's worth a try. So, I will be sure to write a post reviewing my experience, and whether or not it actually results in any weight loss.
   I think this post is more than long enough for now, so tomorrow I will be sure to discuss my new diet and exercise plan, as well as some new products I'm trying. Thank you again for your support!

LM