Diet and Exercise: Options and Plans

   I mentioned in my last post that I had sat down and made a diet and exercise plan. Well, I wasn't lying-I really did. The exercise side of it is much more of a "plan" in the traditional sense of the word, while the diet side of more of a list of interchangeable options. While I'm losing weight, I'll be eating from the following list of items:

Breakfast Options

Fiber One Yogurt-50cal/per serving size

Light Vanilla Soy Milk-80cal/per cup

Egg whites-25 cal/per 1/4 cup

Luna Bar- 180cal

Oatmeal (Coach's Oats Brand)-160cal/serving size (1/3 cup, dry)

*Grapefruit-~50cal/per 1/2 grapefruit 

*Watermelon (Slices)- 36cal/per cup

*Blueberries-~35cal/per 1/2 cup

*Raspberries-10cal/per 10 raspberries

*Strawberries-5cal/per 1 Large Strawberry

Lunch and Dinner Options

*Carrots (Baby)-35cal/per 14 carrots

*Brocolli (Steamed)-44cal/per 5oz or 142g

Light String Cheese (Sargento) -50cal/per piece

Babybel Light (Laughing Cow Brand)-50cal/per piece

*Lettuce (Iceberg)-10cal/per cup

*Lettuce (Romaine)- 8cal/per cup

*Cucumbers- 45cal/per WHOLE medium size cucumber

Pickles (Mt. Olive Kosher Dill Spears)-~5cal/per spear

Matzo (Yehuda Brand)-125cal/per full square (I break them and only eat 1/4 at a time)

Condiment/Fixings Options

Salsa (Newman's Own Black Bean and Corn)-10cal/per tablespoon

Fat Free Ranch (Hidden Valley)- 15cal/per tablespoon

Fat Free Italian (Wish-Bone)-7.5cal/per tablespoon

Mustard (Plochman's Mild Yellow)-0cal

Banana Peppers (Mt. Olive Mild)-10cal/per 20 rings

Sicilian Pitted Olives (Lindsay)- 10cal/per olive

Taco Bell Hot Restauran Sauce- 0cal

Salad Spritzers (Wishbone)- 1cal/per spray

Beverage Options

Crystal Lite- 5cal/per 8oz

Coffee (Cafe Bustello, Black)-2cal/per 80z

Green Tea (Bigelow, with Lemon)-0cal

Water-0cal

*Denotes Negative Calorie Foods

   Most of the foods probably sound familiar from my second post with a few changes and substitutions. Basically, I have all of those options to work with and switch around and throw together for all of my meals. I know that when you look at it, it probably doesn't seem like a lot, however, you would be surprised at how many meals you can make out of those ingredients! I think in either my next post or the one after I'll post a few great low-cal recipes that are some of my favorites. 

   As for my exercising, I'm doing some things a little differently. Usually, I pretty much do the same thing every single day, which is some combination of treadmill, yoga, pilates, free weights, and ab work. HOWEVER, I have decided to try switching things up a bit and alternate exercises on different days, while also incorporating some new equipment. Speaking of new equipment, I have to tell you what the fuck I bought the other day. Prepare yourselves mentally for this one, guys. Are you ready?

I BOUGHT A MOTHER-LOVING SHAKE WEIGHT!!!!!!!! 

  Yes, THAT Shake Weight. Laugh it up, but I've used it two days in a row now, and you can really feel that shit! I may have been converted into a Shake Weight believer! It comes with this video that you can do the exercises along with, and its supposed to be 6 minutes a day, but I've been doing it once in the morning and once at night for a total of 12 WHOLE MINUTES! Haha, we'll see how toned my arms get!
   In addition to the Shake Weight, I also bought a jump rope and will be doing Hot Yoga once a week. So, here is the schedule:

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: 

1. Jump rope in the park, 30 minutes (10 minute intervals) 

2. Ab Work, 30 minutes (10 minute intervals) 

Tuesdays and Thursdays:

1. Treadmill, 45 minutes (alternating between 10 and 15% incline and 3 and 4mph)

2. Weights, 45 minutes (2 and 5 lb hand weights, and leg machine @ 45lb resistance)

Saturday:

Walk in park, 45 minutes

Sunday:

Hot yoga, 100 minutes

Everyday:

1. Shake Weight, 12 minutes

2. Swimming, moderate, 30 minutes

   So far, I've magically managed to stick to everything-although it has only been two days! I'll be sure to keep you guys updated, including if I have any slip-ups or binges. OH, I almost forgot! I made a Twitter account! Follow me at: http://twitter.com/FreeFromFood ! 

LM

Well, I did it!

   That's right, I actually went through with my colon hydrotherapy appointment yesterday morning! It was pretty weird at first, and I was definitely very nervous and even a little embarrassed in the beginning. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to go through with it...ESPECIALLY when I saw the tube thing that was supposedly going in me!!

   Well, as it turns out, the tube really only goes in no more than an inch-and it is very very small in diameter, even smaller than a finger. I'm not sure how much of a comfort that sounds like to anyone who has literally NEVER had ANYTHING in that, ah hem, region...but it truly is not difficult to handle, and actually not even uncomfortable. There is an initial sense of discomfort, however, it is much more mental than physical. I think that the fact that I have done small, at-home enemas in the past may have made the process a little easier-just because I learned a while ago that the best approach, so to speak, really is to relax. 

   With all that being said, I'm sure that the only thing anyone actually wants to hear about is the result! Unfortunately, at the end of the 45-minute session, I didn't lose any weight at all. In spite of this, I somehow felt much lighter, and also much healthier. I'm not really sure how to explain the feeling, because don't get me wrong-I was VERY disappointed about the lack of tangible weight loss-and yet, I really did feel internally as though I were 5 lbs lighter. Without getting too gross, plenty of *stuff* came out during the session, and I think that although whatever came out may not of weighed very much, it had probably been taking up a lot of space inside of me! Just having it out felt really good, and actually, it helped lessen some of my cramping and lower back pain that I had been experiencing from my period. 

   I spoke to the "colon hydrotherapist" afterwards about all of this, and asked if it was normal for someone to experience no actual weight loss. She explained that while most people do experience at least some weight loss with their first session, it is not unheard of for someone not to. She then asked me if I had ever done an enema before, or a cleanse, and also asked about my diet. Obviously, I wasn't going to admit that I was bulimic-but I explained that I am a vegetarian, that I add fiber supplements to a lot of food, that I take Miralax daily, and that I have done simple home enemas before. She said that all of that explained why I hadn't experience the same results as most first-time clients. 

   Basically, she explained that most people have never and will never do any kind of colon cleanse or home enema unless it is doctor prescribed before a surgery (like a colonoscopy). Additionally, most people are not vegetarians, and do not get enough fiber in their diets. Combine those factors with the typical American diet that is high in trans fat, preservatives, chemicals, etc-and she said most people have a LOT of CRAP (haha, figuratively and literally) and toxins to get out of their system. Because I've been a vegetarian for close to 6 years now, and do try to keep my digestive system relatively regular with the aid of supplements and gentle laxatives, she said that the majority of my toxins and waste is probably much more impacted and deeper than what is removed in the first session. 

   With all that being said, I still don't know how much of that is total BS and how much of it is true. I did a lot of research before getting the procedure, and I've done some after regarding her explanation to see if it has any merit. While I've found some evidence that she was being truthful, a lot of it comes from other websites promoting colonics, which makes me question their credibility or whether they are all in on this scheme to convince people to pay up to $150 per session for 6 sessions by telling people that more will come out in the next session. Luckily, the place I had it done at is $75 per session-however that is still not cheap! 

   In evaluating my experience, I decided to book a second session. I figure, for one more session, I can see if she was BSing me or not about how the results would be better if I did it again AND worst case scenario, I still don't lose any weight-but I still feel better again. My next appointment is for June 2, as I'll be out of town next week and didn't really know about the safety issues in having two in the same week. I also tried to take some pictures, but they aren't very good quality as they were just with my phone!

   So this one I took while I was laying in the bed/basin thing...I actually don't really know what to call it. These are my legs under the blanket. I probably should have explained somewhere that there are two kinds of colonics, "closed" and "open." I had an "open" one. I'm not sure how to explain the difference without getting really graphic and gross-so I'll do my best and just hope that we are all adults! Plus, If you're still reading, then you probably aren't that bothered, right? So, a "closed" system involves a slightly bigger tube going slightly further in, and it basically blasts water inside of you and then vacuums or sucks everything out, and repeats. In an "open" system, its just the little thin tube that only goes in an inch, and nothing sucks anything out, it is allowed to just come out naturally. So when you look at that picture, the sheet is covering my bottom half which is basically on a big toilet. I don't know how else to say that...so the water goes in you, and you just release when you feel the urge, it is just constantly flushed away underneath you. 

   This picture is of the tube that you can watch everything come out of, if you so choose. In the beginning it was really intriguing and I was watching, but after a few minutes I decided to just lay back, relax, and not strain my neck trying to see everything. It's so strange how something can be both disgusting and fascinating at the same time! I never thought that this would be something I would even DO, let alone DO and WATCH...but its funny how our own bodies amaze us. As you can see, nothing was really coming out when I took this one. 

   Here you can see that I didn't lose any weight. They have a scale in every room for you to weight yourself before and after, which leads me to think that the woman was probably being honest about most people experiencing more dramatic results-because I don't think they would encourage you to measure it before and after RIGHT THERE unless they were relatively confident that you would be pleased. Anyway, as you can see, it is smack dab on 110, exactly what it was when I went to bed the night before.  

   And that about wraps up my post on my colon hydrotherapy experience! I meant to post this yesterday, but didn't have time to load the pictures from my phone until late last night-so I figured I may as well wait until this morning at that point! Today I am going back to my exercise and work-out schedule for the first time, and I spent about an hour earlier writing out a weekly diet and exercise "plan." It's kind of just a guide right now, but once I've fine-tuned it I'll post it! Have a great day everyone, and stay strong!

LM

You must promise not to laugh...

OK.
   Since it had been so long since I had been able to write, and now that I am back and re-devoted to my weight loss goals more than ever, I decided to go back and read all my previous posts to remind myself where I was at right before my Dad went in the hospital. Well, I realized that my last post had been shortly after I returned from my trip to Wisconsin, and when I had left my camera battery there AND had the batteries in my scale die! I had promised to start posting some pictures once I got both of those integral pieces of equipment up and running, so, I have dutifully taken some photographs.

   Of course, I got my period this morning-so on top of my debilitating cramps and lower back pain, I've also been the lucky winner of TWO-COUNT 'EM-TWO extra pounds of bloated grossness. Perfect timing for picture taking. {Note my sarcasm} Anyway, I'm not going to let that cause me to go back on my promise-so I'm still posting the pics, which means my devotion to this cause can NEVER be questioned, lol. Try not to gag, whether at my body or my ridiculously messy bathroom.


Here is a front view. As you can no doubt see, I carry most of my weight in the stomach, hip, and thigh areas. I have a pretty small upper body and (tragically) only wear an A-cup. I would also like to have a moment of silence for my mis-matched bra and panty combo. NOTE: This is what happens when you aren't getting any action.

And how could my humiliation be complete without a side view? I'm just kidding...I mean, not entirely, but I am voluntarily posting these in the hopes that having them public will help in my motivation to lose the extra weight I've gained. The plan is to post new pics once a week here. They will be on Mondays, today's is the exception as it is the first one and I didn't want to wait another week. Hopefully we'll be able to start seeing a difference soon!

Sorry for the bad lighting and flash on this one-not that it hinders reading those dreaded fucking numbers! Here I was thinking I had only gained 4-5lbs...well, thanks to everyone's favorite monthly visitor, lets make that 6-7lbs. Oh yes. 108 to 110 overnight. Thanks, bloating. FML.
   I actually took about a 45 minute break today and wrote out a ridiculously long post explaining what my plan for losing weight is the next month, with what I'll be doing the same and what I'll be changing around. However, it really is absurdly and unnecessarily long, especially since I realized that a lot of it I'm repeating things I said in my first or second post regarding certain foods and products. Thus, in order to respect both your time and mine, I'm instead just going to briefly write about only the things I am trying/doing that are different. 
   The biggest thing that I'm doing that I have never tried before is Hot Yoga. Also known as Bikram Yoga, I've done it about 4 times before, but always sporadically and never as a part of my regular diet and exercise routine. I found a local studio that has 10 classes for $100, which I thought was pretty fair. I'm thinking that I'll go twice a week for 5 weeks and see how I feel about it. In conjunction with my mostly negative-calorie diet and cardio exercises, I'm hoping this addition will really boost my weight loss.
   Next, I'm trying to add more fiber to my diet without a ton of calories in order to lessen water weight, constipation, and bloating which always seem to become problems for me at some point when I'm living on under 500 cal/per day and exercising 2+ hours. I'm doing this both with fiber supplements added to beverages and ground flax seeds that I can sprinkle into anything (yogurt, cereal, oatmeal...)
   In the same sort of "digestive health" vein, I'm also exploring some products and services that claim to promote colon cleansing and detoxifying. I kind of mentioned colon hydrotherapy in my last post, and my appointment is tomorrow morning at 9am. I'm a little anxious about it, but at the same time extremely intrigued. If it gets too weird or uncomfortable, I may not go through with it-but I am certainly going to make a good-faith effort. Additionally, I bought a product called "Colon Cleanse" (clever, eh?) that is basically pure psyllium husk (parts of a seed from a Middle Eastern plant that aids in digestion) which you mix into 8oz of liquid.
   Anyway, I'm sure that tomorrow's post will be very interesting. Any readers ever tried colon hydrotherapy? I'm going to see if they let me take pictures or anything. Maybe they'll even let me just sit with my laptop and blog, lol! Until tomorrow ~

LM

Don't worry--I'm back!

Hey everyone~
   I'm sorry that I've been away for so long, but I had a family emergency that I had to leave town for. The day after my last post, my father had a heart attack and had to be taken to the ER. However, once he was there, it became apparent that his condition was much more serious than it initially presented-and scans revealed that all four of his arteries were close to 98% blocked. He had to have an emergency quadruple-bypass, and myself and my three siblings flew to be with him and my mother at the hospital, as the doctors were not optimistic about his chances given his age (he turned 70 in December) and health (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, overweight, etc).
   Although it has been an extremely difficult few weeks, I am overjoyed to report that my Dad has proven the doctors wrong, and is finally gaining his strength back. Since my Mom works full time and we can't afford an at-home nurse, I stayed to take care of him at home until he was strong enough and well enough to get back his independence. He has a long road ahead still, and his doctors say that he'll probably need another month of bedrest and physical therapy until he can return to work-but has made so much progress! I'm so thankful to still have him with us, and now that he has been doing consistently well, I've been able to come home.
   I wanted to thank those who commented and offered advice or support in my last post regarding my possible job relocation. In light of everything that happened immediately after, I declined the offer to work in Boston, and am instead looking into taking something in Miami--so that I can be closer to my parents. That way, I could help my Mom and Dad if they need anything, or just be there incase anything unexpected happens again with my Dad's health. So, it looks like I'll be moving anyway, just not to the Northeast.
   Now, how has this all affected my ED and weight? Not very well, I'm afraid. As you can imagine, my ED symptoms have been pretty out of control with all of this stress. Before, I had gotten my bingeing and purging down to all-time low, and was mainly ristricting with exercise. I had been losing weight, and was on my way to my goal of 95 lbs by May 10th...oh, imagine that...today. Well, it all went downhill pretty quickly starting with the immediate minutes after I got the phone call from my Mom that my Dad was in surgery. To make a very long story with countless excuses short, I pretty much went back to lots of bingeing on comfort foods, sometimes up to 5 times a day-and was often too exhausted to purge as thoroughly as I usually do, or sometimes even at all. This resulted in my gaining back some of the weight that I had lost, and I'm currently at 108 lbs.
   I have really mixed feelings about this in a lot of ways. First, after seeing my father come so close to losing his life, and watching his strength and determination to live, part of me feels like an evil, ungrateful, petty excuse for a human being to even be thinking about my weight. But I suppose that is what is so debilitating about this disorder. Then, with as much bingeing as I was doing, part of me is actually kind of shocked and impressed in a strange way that I only gained 4 lbs, as it definitely felt like at least 10. When I finally got the courage to weigh myself after coming home, I wasn't thrilled-but I was relieved. And, finally, I am of course disappointed in myself for losing so much control and gaining any weight at all-and that I have to start all over with new goals and new dates.
   I have started going through all of my clothes and sorting them according to what should be donated, sold, and kept. I have drawers, suitcases, baskets, and huge sections of my closet just filled with things that don't fit me-whether they are too small or too big. I went to Target and spent almost $100 on some new workout clothes and equipment, and justified it by promising myself that for each new piece of clothing I bought I had to get rid of 4 old things, and that for each piece of equipment I got, I had to lose 3 lbs.
   I know that I work best when I have goals to reach and some sort of tangible occasion or reward at the end, so right now I am focusing on one of my best friends' wedding. She is getting married on June 12th, and it is this incredible "destination wedding" in Antigua. It is going to be absolutely gorgeous, and is obviously very tropical-which means a lot of sun, bathing suits, and "vacation" clothes. At the current moment, I would rather die than be seen in a bathing suit. But I refuse to have this trip and her day ruined by my insecurities-so I am starting back on my previous regimen as of today with the goal of being 99 lbs by the time I leave for Antigua. The way I see it, that is 9 lbs in a month, which seems pretty reasonable and not too outlandish. I don't want to set myself up for failure by trying to be 90-95 by then, because I'll just drive myself crazy. Well, crazier. Ha.
   Speaking of crazy, has anyone ever done colon hydrotherapy, also called colonics? It's something I saw for the first time on some documentary about the expensive outlandish things that Hollywood stars do to lose weight...so of course I looked up anything that boasted ridiculous results. Well, with colon hydrotherapy, there were accounts of losing between 5-20lbs in one visit! I know, I know...probably too good to be true. But, I started researching it and found a place locally that does it-and it's not as absurdly priced as I expected it to be-only $75 per session. Now, don't get me wrong, $75 is still a lot...but no more than I've spent on food, supplements, clothes, etc on any given day.
   For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, here is a link. It's a little too awkward to explain in detail. Basically though. its a really intense 45 minute enema. Now, as gross and potentially embarrassing as the whole thing sounds, I just can't help but wonder if that would all be worth it to lose 5-20lbs in ONE HOUR! Well, I called and made an appointment for 9am this Wednesday, May 12th. For all the money I've wasted on other stuff that hasn't worked, and on food I've just thrown up, I figure what the hell, it's worth a try. So, I will be sure to write a post reviewing my experience, and whether or not it actually results in any weight loss.
   I think this post is more than long enough for now, so tomorrow I will be sure to discuss my new diet and exercise plan, as well as some new products I'm trying. Thank you again for your support!

LM

Long Couple of Days!

Hey guys!
   Sorry I haven't been able to post in a couple of days, it has been really hectic. I interviewed for a job about two weeks ago that I literally NEVER thought I had a chance at getting, but found out on Monday that I got it! The only problem is, it will require me to move half way across the country to one of three cities: Boston, New York, or Washington, D.C.-and they want me to start ASAP, like as in mid-June. That doesn't give me very much time to work out finding a place to live in a totally new city, and tie up all my loose ends where I am now, including my current lease. Also, I just got a new car less than a month ago (well, not NEW, used...but new to me lol) and the only one of those cities I can see needing a car in is D.C., as I'd probably live in Maryland or Virginia. But if I get the NY or Boston location, then I can't see bringing a car. Ahhhh I have until Monday to either accept or reject the offer, so I've been going nuts the past few days calling everyone and their mom trying to figure out all my options and how quickly certain things can get done.
   Also, I have one of my best friends' wedding to go to in Antigua from June 12-15th, which I told the person who interviewed me, and they basically said "Oh, that's fine, you'll just start as soon as you get back, then." AS SOON AS I GET BACK? I feel like I have no time to prepare for such a major life change! Not to mention, of course, that as usual in the background of everything is my ever constant ED. Moving to a new city will require finding a new doctor, a new psychiatrist, and losing my current one with whom I've developed a lot of trust. Plus, for specialists there can sometimes be a long waiting list, although since they are ridiculously huge cities compared to the little town I'm in now, they probably have more to go around. Still, it is also a big concern for me.
   I was also thinking about it in terms of stress, and I think that although this would be an amazing opportunity, I'm really scared that the stress will dramatically increase how often I binge-eat, which I feel like I've gotten down to a much lower level over the past few months. I'm much more on the restrictive side of things at the moment, which I prefer. I've gone from binging and purging up to 5 times a day to only about 2-3 times per week. Of course, I'm not eating more that 200-500 cals per day and I make sure to do at least an hour of cardio every day to counter-act, so I know its not like what I'm doing is any "healthier" per say, but it does make me feel a little more in control then when I'm doing nothing but binging and purging all day long. I'm just afraid that with the stress from moving I'll go back to that daily life style, which could really effect my work performance. And the LAST thing I want to do is pack up my life move, move across the country, just to epically FAIL at the job I'm taking because of my ED.
   I have a lot to think about right now. Anyone been through something similar or have any suggestions? I'd love to hear from you guys! Also, Liz [ED], I read your blog and did see that you tagged me for that set of questions. I wanted you to know I haven't been ignoring it, just been out of my mind since Monday! I have a draft post with the questions, hopefully I'll be able to finish them later tonight!

LM

"For some, love fades; for others love is simply lost"

   What is funny is that when I first thought of writing this post, I had thought that a post not having to do with weight or food might be a refreshing divergence of my train of thought. Then, when I actually sat down to write it and thought about what to say, I realized that this still, at its core, has EVERYTHING to do with weight and food. So the story goes.
   I could write a dissertation's worth of background information and explanations, but I will spare you 10 years worth of history. In short, I've only ever been in love one time, with one person. In true cliche fashion, I fell in love with them in the seventh grade before I even knew what love was, and stayed in love with them the rest of my life. I've dated others briefly in that time, but never let anyone get too close. I've always kept my relationships very shallow, because (as terrible as it sounds) I've always known going into it that it wasn't going to last.
   Well, my love, henceforth to be referred to as "J" (clever, I know) and I have had quite a Romeo & Juliet journey, with various obstacles throughout the years keeping one or both of us from being able to be in a relationship...with anyone, let alone with each other. However, about 3 years ago it had finally seemed like the stars were aligning for us. I truly, perhaps stupidly, thought that we would finally be together. What ensued was pretty heartbreaking, and its difficult for me to think about it. We basically got incredibly close, exchanged mutual feelings of unrequited love for each other, and were on the brink of finally beginning a romantic relationship.
   Yet, despite having shared things with J that I'd never even considered discussing with anyone else, and having this feeling of "kindred souls," there was one thing that I couldn't bring myself to disclose, and that was my eating disorder. We had a mutual acquaintance that had struggled with bulimia and gone to treatment, and whom we happened to not particularly like, and J always thought it was funny to joke about. I callously laughed along, and even made some of my own jokes at her expense, all the while telling myself that I could never, ever let my own ED be known.
   J had a family history of mental illness, as do I, and it was always an area that we both bonded over but were very sensitive about at the same time. In addition to my struggles with food, I've been diagnosed with various other *things* over the years, some that I believe and others that I don't. One of them happens to be the same thing that J's father suffers from, and because of that, J had/has a lot of negative and painful memories associated with it in childhood. I realized that no matter how much I loved J, it wasn't fair of me to not disclose information about myself that could potentially be a source of very big problems in the future.
   So, as I am prone to do, and can't really justify, I completely fell off the face of the earth with no explanation whatsoever. I stopped returning J's calls, blocked their AIM account, stopped all e-mails and text messages...just went from spending at least 4 hours of every day with each other to no contact at all in span of 24 hours. Then I put myself in treatment. After about a month in treatment, I finally got up the nerve to call J and explain myself. When I did, I was met with so much more understanding than I ever imagined. J even dropped everything and traveled 5 hours the next day to visit me. I thought everything was finally going to be OK.
   Well, treatment wasn't exactly the magical quick-fix that J had hoped it would be, and once I got out, I think J thought I would be "cured." But as I continued to have daily struggles, and because now I felt like I could finally talk about it, more and more of our conversations came to, at least in part, involve my ED, therapy, meds, etc. Like a lot of brothers and sisters out there struggling not only with ED but other issues, I have been and still am very resistant to medication, which became a really big source of disagreement between us, mostly because of the awful things J's father had done while unmedicated.
   We had been growing more and more distant, and finally about a year ago I ODed in the bathroom of a bar and was hospitalized for the third time in about a 6-month period, which was then followed by being Baker Acted to a pysch ward. I called from there crying, asking J to please come visit me.

"No."

   That one simple word, and I knew that it was over. I realized that this was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. When I got out, I tried for weeks to reach J. Nothing...the tables had certainly turned, and it really sucked being on that side of a communication cut-off.
   Its now been almost exactly a year since we last spoke. I try not to think about it, and for the most part I like to think that I've at least partially gotten over it. I've moved on in a lot of ways: I no longer spend entire days crying in a fetal position thinking about J, I don't spend hours in bed at night thinking about all the "what if's" anymore, I finally stopped expecting J to have a sudden change of heart and remorsefully contact me, and I've largely accepted that it just wasn't meant to be.
   Well, of course once I finally reached sort of a healthy mindset regarding what went down with J, I sign into my e-mail account yesterday to find...what? An e-mail from J. No subject. Just J's e-mail address in the "sender" section, staring at me. After all the progess I thought I had made, just seeing J's name and e-mail address made my heart completely skip a beat. I came close to bursting into tears as my mind screamed "FINALLY!!!!!!"
   I briefly fantasized about what it would say, whether or not J was even still in town, if there would be an apology, maybe a peace-offering coffee date? Want to know what it said?

N

o

t

h

i

n

g

   Nothing. An empty e-mail with nothing but a link that wouldn't load. I've come to the conclusion that it was probably just some stupid spam from J's account getting hacked or something. Sigh. I'm such a fucking idiot.
   You know what the saddest part is? That I've been dealing with this by stopping all eating, and spending all my free time exercising. The same fucking bullshit that made me lose J to begin with. Somewhere in my twisted mind I still think, if I can just get thin enough, if I can just be pretty enough, if I can just prove that I'm good at SOMETHING...maybe someone will love me again one day.
   One of my favorite movies is "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz. I know, its really cheesy. I just love Kate Winslet's character so much, and I know the movie pretty much word-for-word. The title of this post is something she says while narrating. The full quotation is:

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love.

True story.

LM

.

Tips and Tricks

   I've actually been really hesitant about writing this post. As a person living with an eating disorder, I know that I always appreciate learning new tips and tricks here and there that I may not have thought of, however, I worry that it is a very fine line between sharing ideas with others that already have an ED and possibly encouraging or helping those without one to develop one.

   So, I'll just reiterate some of the things I said in my first post. This blog is not PRO Ana or PRO Mia in the sense that I am not trying to glamorize eating disorders or encourage others to develop one. This is not intended for insecure teenagers obsessed with Mary Kate Olsen who want to "lose weight." An ED is NOT a diet. With that being said, I still think that for those of us NOT in recovery, we should be able to talk to each other and share our experiences without worrying about being judged for our actions and attitudes.

   OK, I feel a little better about posting these after typing that. Especially because, lets face it, for those of us who have been living with ED...most of this information will not be new. But I always like reading other people's "Tips and Tricks" because every now and then there is something I hadn't thought of. I'll read a list of 25 tips, and I may have known about 24 of them...but learning just that one new one is really cool sometimes.

Drumroll, please...

~Tips and Tricks~

*Always carry sugar free mints and gum to help with hunger pangs and cover bad breath from purging or ketosis

*Cut all your food into as small pieces as you possibly can. Everything, even lettuce. The cutting will keep you focused and aware of how much you put in your mouth, and it will make whatever you are eating last MUCH longer.

*Never pour dressing on salad unless it is zero calorie, just have it on the side and dip your fork into it before grabbing the lettuce, you get the taste without all the extra cals.

*Always try to eat something for breakfast to start up and boost your metabolism, just don't go overboard. I like to keep it between 100-150 cals.

*Drink lots of water and green tea, it helps flush your system and boosts metabolism so you can burn more calories throughout the day.

*Try to drink everything ICE COLD, your system has to work harder to burn the calories

*When you are bingeing, try to start with something healthy and very recognizable, that way if it gets absorbed its not the worst food you ate and you'll know when you got everything up. I'm a big fan of carrots.

*Drink a TON of liquids when bingeing, everything will come up SO much easier and faster. Just don't drink a ton of high-calorie liquid...even though you're purging you don't need the extra cals to get absorbed in the meantime. Stick with water and zero-calorie/5 cal stuff like those powdered Crystal Light or flavored water.

*I never use my fingers to purge, it can create tell-tale marks. I always use the end of a toothbrush or the round end of a piece of silver wear.

*It helps to switch up the kind of method for purging, so that you don't get too used to any one way and stop reacting to it. For example, one way that always gets the food to start coming up for me is to try to breath in WHILE touching my gag reflex, its almost instantaneous. But I tried only ever doing that for about a week once, and soon it didn't work anymore. Another thing that always works for me is sticking whatever I'm using AS FAR BACK AS IT WILL GO, and then lightly pulling it up and forward at the same time, so that it brushes over, almost tickles, the back of my throat and gag reflex. One other method that usually works for me is very rapidly jabbing the instrument down my throat, but along my tongue so that you are not stabbing your throat in a "straight back" way but very quickly going almost up and down along your tongue and down your throat. Alternating these three has worked best for me,

*Once I'm done bingeing, I'll do my first purge. I like to think of that as my first, practice round. Once I get everything that is going to come up out, I go back and drink some more. My favorite thing to drink is half crystal light, half club soda. Then I jump up and down for about a minute, and then I do sort of a head stand for another minute, but I lean against a chair or the wall. This kind of shakes everything up and the carbonation from the club soda helps SO MUCH! Then I go for my second round, and like magic a ton more always comes up than I even thought was left. When nothing will come up anymore, do it one more time.

*As soon as you are finally done purging, drink some green tea. It will sooth your stomach and esophagus and also provide some antioxidants and caffeine, and beccause you are totally empty, it will get absorbed more quickly.

*The worst food to binge on is anything HOT or SPICY...it HURTS LIKE A BITCH coming up! I've read that a lot of other people have problems with peanut butter or starches, but I have personally found that if I use enough liquid I can purge ANYTHING without a problem EXCEPT SPICY FOOD! Even that, I CAN purge...its just so painful that its almost not worth it. I've had one too many bad experiences with that, so much so that now if I eat something spicy....I'm running and swimming that shit off, not purging it.

*If you're into drinking alcohol or smoking pot, DRINK A LOT OF WATER AND EAT SOMETHING BEFOREHAND. Otherwise...you'll be munching like nobody's business, and when you are drunk or high the likelihood of remembering to effectively purge everything before passing out is slim to none. So if you drink a lot of water and eat something before, you'll be less hungry and less likely to give into temptation when you have less control and judgement.

*When I'm really hungry and on the verge of bingeing, sometimes I'll give myself activities to do and say "you can eat when you finish this." Then, when you finish it, do the same thing again with something else. Keep going as long as you can, and usually the desire will subside AND you get a sense of satisfaction from the self control you exercised.

*Don't take escalators or elevators, always take the stairs, no matter how heavy your bag is or how much you're carrying or how high your heels are. Every bit helps, and it all helps with your overall feeling of accomplishment.

*I've read a lot of tips along the lines of buying clothes too tight or wearing a tight belt to make you more aware of your size, what size you want to be, and how much you've eaten. But for me, I hate walking around looking and feeling like I'm bulging everywhere. It may work for some people, but for me, it actually increases the liklihood that I'll break and binge because it makes me feel insecure and hopeless. INSTEAD, what I do is wear something really loose, flowy, or baggy on top (Like a loose dress, big sweatshirt, etc) and then wear something tight underneath, like skin tight leggings or jeans, and that way you get the subtle reminder you need to watch what you eat and be careful, but its just for you and no one else can see it.

*Reward yourself when you reach milestone goal weights. Donate clothes that are too big to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or whatever organization you like. That way they aren't there anymore for you to allow yourself to be that size again, and you can go shopping for something new.

*I've never really been into music or songs that are explicitly about EDs, but I do have a playlist that I go to when I need motivation. Whatever works for you, mine is mostly broadway musical solos, ballads, some Mariah, some Beyonce, some Mary J, some Regina Spektor....that sort of thing. Whatever floats your boat, but it really does help get you to the next level when you need to be on your own planet.

*This is going to sound like a no-brainer, but don't keep binge foods in the house. That way if you really want them, you have to actually get up, get out of the house, into your car, and go get them. That way you can minimize binges to only when you REALLY REALLY want them instead of just when you are stressed or bored. It seriously took me years to realize what a big difference this made. I used to buy them  and think I had the self control to just NOT eat them...but I don't. Never will.

*Always carry hand sanitizer and perfume...sometimes it's not just your breath that smells like vomit, the smell can stay on your hands and clothes, too.

*If you are out in public and it is really apparent that you have taken too long in the bathroom, come out and go to the nearest girl and act really annoyed that you got your period and you don't have anything with you and ask if she has a pad or tampon, it pretty much immediately erases whatever they THOUGHT you might be doing, as long as you don't smell like vomit.

*Add Miralax to all of your liquids. Its supposed to be about a capful for every 8 ounce glass, so I make 2 litre pitchers and mix accordingly. You can't taste it at all, and then its already in there for the next couple days. Helps with digestion and keeps you from getting bloated and constipated, which is the WORST. Its by far the most gentle, mild and natural laxative out there. In fact, it was the only one that they let me have when I was in treatment. That's how you know its legit, lol.

*If you are really in a pinch, baking soda mixed with water will make you throw up, and epsom salt mixed with water works as a laxative. Both of them you just need like a tablespoon for an 8 oz glass. Both of them also taste like shit.

*If your throat gets really raw or sore from purging, I've found that taking 1/2 cup of light vanilla soy milk (only 40 cal) and blending it with a 1/2 cup ice into almost a slushy consistency is incredibly soothing. 

That's all I've got for now, if I think of anything else I'll be sure to post it!

LM