Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Had almost forgotten what accomplishing a GOAL felt like!

   Hey guys! I'm gunna keep this post short and sweet because its 1:00am and I have to wake up early to drop off my resume at a law office that is 45 minutes from here, first thing in the morning! The plan has been going really well overall, with a few exceptions in the form of binges. There was the one I already wrote about in my last post, and then I had another one late last night after sneaking out to the porch to smoke some Mary J. Wow, just typing that gave me high school flashbacks! And I KNOW that puffin on the sticky icky gives me munchies, and it is well documented that it often leads to binge episodes for me...but man does it calm me the fuck down! So, sometimes (like last night) after a rough day I weigh the pros and cons and still decide that I need some green in my system ASAP.
   Luckily, it was a much more responsible binge than the previously discussed one, and I basically ate a bowl of Fiber One cereal, 15-20 whole grain wheat thins with hummus, and a 20cal sugar-free fudgesicle with about a tablespoon of peanut butter (not disputing the weirdness of putting peanut butter on a fudgesicle). So, while I would have preferred that it didn't happen-all in all the whole binge was between 400-500cals, which is about the same amount as I've been burning on the treadmill every day, which has really been helping. In this instance, without the binge I would have been in the negative for the day (having burned more than I ate), and with it I about broke even, so it definitely eased the anxiety a bit.
   Enough introspection for now-let's cut to the chase. I am proud to report that, despite those two setbacks, between my exercising and diet plan I did indeed get down to my goal of 107lbs for today! Which is a relief, because I haven't been succeeding at much else lately. Still haven't completely unpacked my trunk, which has caused me to keep postponing driving back to my apartment, because the whole point is to fill up another carload of my stuff, which I can't do until I empty the car.
   OK, the pics are below. My apologies in advance for the gym shorts instead of underwear-I know it's harder to see my thighs and track progress in that area, but I'm still on my period so I figured you'd rather look at gym shorts than my pad lol.
So happy to see that number!




   I'm ALSO sorry that the pics are so grainy, the lighting in my Dad's bathroom is worse than in my Mom's, but I like it better because he doesn't have that annoying mauve-colored shower curtain in the background. So, I went for the better background and tried to brighten the exposure when I loaded the pics...very little success. A photographer I am not.
   I really have to try to go to bed now, even though I know it's going to be difficult because my mind is already racing with the amount of shit I have to do tomorrow. OH! That reminds me! Don't have time to go into it now, but since I'm really moving down here I began the process of finding a new therapist and psychiatrist, and I have a 1:00pm appointment tomorrow with one of the therapists I found on my insurance plan-so I'll be sure to let you know how that goes! Goodnight, my loves!


Sunday, July 11, 2010

It's 1:30am...do you know where your thoughts are?

   I think that today may have been the least productive day I've had in an extremely long time. I woke up with my period (shoot me), so I had cramps all day, and was bloated, and my lower back has felt like I spent the past three days moving furniture or something. Overall I had been doing pretty well the the new plan, but I had a slip-up/binge today around 2pm. I'm not really sure what triggered it...I think it was a combination of a lot of things. Of course, I think my period had a little bit to do with it, as I was moody and irritable and craving chocolate...but I also had gotten in an EPIC argument with my parents last night that was so bad that I'm looking for places to rent ASAP instead of trying to "wait it out here" until I found a new job. But ya, so I still wasn't speaking to them as of "The Binge," and I was trying so hard not to give in when my mother calls me from a restaurant she is having lunch at, where they happen to serve one of my FAVORITE (binge) foods in the WORLD: Fried Pickles!! Ya, I know-some people think it's gross but if you love them, then you LOVE them! Well, I think that her strange way of trying to make amends, instead of apologizing, was to call and ask if I wanted her to bring me home an order of Fried Pickles.
   Hmmm...let me think....NO! I mean, I think that she had good intentions..but she also is very aware that I'm very bulimic, and that fried pickles are up there with my binge foods like Ben and Jerry's, Peanut Butter Oreos, Nutella...ya. So I found it strange that she would encourage that. Anyway, I said no to them knowing that if I had them I would be unstoppable. And yet--I ended up bingeing ANYWAY! It was like, once the idea of bingeing was in my head, once I entertained those fried pickles...then I just as willing to entertain whatever else I could find. Which was: leftover baked ziti, wheat thins w/ cream cheese, little tiny chocolate cookies I found in my Dad's secret hiding junk food stash that he keeps from my mom, cereal, and good old BREAD! So that happened. But, I immediately purged everything...in fact, I was so disappointed in myself that I did way more than my normal purges-I must of done at least 5 cycles of purge-drink-purge-drink-purge-drink until absolutely nothing was left.
   Even though it made me feel a little better that I got rid of the junk...I was still really upset that I let it happen in the first place. And you know how after a really intense purge you are just completely exhausted? I felt like I had been hit by a train...probably also because of the PMS symptoms, but whoa-I was actually a little worried that I might have overdone it. So I laid down for a little while...and MAN-I am just so miserable here. When I'm distracted with job hunting and sending out resumes and going to see friends I don't have to dwell on it, but I really am so depressed to be at home with my parents right now. The kind of depressed where you don't ever want to get out of bed...and nothing seems worth doing.
   I promised myself that today I would finish unpacking all of my clothes, to get ready for the next carload of things I'll be bringing down in my next trip. I did NO such thing. And it wasn't like I had something better to do...there was just literally nothing I could tell myself that made getting out of bed seem worth it. I even tried telling myself "Hey, just get up and go to the gym and work out...you won't be unpacking, but it will get you out of the house, then maybe you'll feel better and more awake and will be able to do this." Nope. Still couldn't lift my head off of the pillow.
   "In 15 more minutes" became "in an hour" and now its almost 2am and I can honestly say I did NOTHING today but suck at life. The only ray of light is that I did get on the scale (which I promised myself I wouldn't do until Monday, but I was so concerned that with my period I had gained weight) and I'm down to 109. Not exactly a monumental drop-but anything that isn't a gain is cool with me. I think that there is reason to believe that I still have a shot at 107 by Monday, as long as I keep up with the exercise and don't have more binge-a-thons. Even though I couldn't bring myself to get to the gym today, I did a yoga podcast for 45 minutes and did about a half hour of ab work, so that I didn't feel like a complete schlepp.
   But now my cramps are back with a vengeance, and I'm super irritable...so I do apologize at the less than cheery tone of this post. Just wanted to give an update-I liek being able to share both when I'm doing great and when I'm doing...well, not so great. Right now I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the prize. And of course,since I pretty much slept all day, I'm WIDE AWAKE NOW! I'm supposed to leave tomorrow to drive back to my apartment for about 14 days to give myself a break while I still have another place to go to...but I can't do that until I unpack everything from my car, which makes me think there is a possibility it will have to get pushed back until Monday since I didn't accomplish that task today.
   Oh lordy lordy lordy. Well, you win some you lose some I guess. I think I'm going to try and take advantage of this newfound energy spurt while it lasts and fold some clothes before hitting the sack again. At least there's always tomorrow...or in this case, the rest of today. Anyone out there have any home remedies or tricks for relieving the awful suckiness of periods? Love hearing new suggestions.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Passed OUT! But I FINALLY finished!

   So, I woke up this morning in one of the most amusing ways. I stayed up last night until like 2am writing down my plan for today and searching a bunch of food info and stuff that I wanted to share with everyone....and I guess I tried to push myself an eency bit too hard, and I PASSED OUT with my laptop ON MY LAP, my pen IN MY MOUTH, and my notepad IN MY HAND. I woke up about 40min later than I had planned on...and I just sort of looked around like WTF? Everything was still exactly where it was when I was working on it...I guess I'm lucky that I didn't kick the laptop off the bed at any point in the night. Then I had that moment of panic that everyone who has ever fallen asleep studying for an exam knows about-where I was like OMG I DIDN'T SUBMIT MY POST IN TIME!!!!! But then I came to my senses and realized that this blog is actually NOT being graded by anyone, and that my future hasn't been ruined, lol.
   Anyway, like I said I meant to wake up at 10:30 this morning (I had planned on going to bed around 2:30am, which still gave me 8 hours), but since I ended up passing out who-knows-when without setting an alarm, that ended up being 11:08am. That's right-11:08 exactly. I know this because I looked at my phone and yelled "AHHHH, IT'S 11:08!!" Since then I have eaten breakfast and done an hour of fake-yoga (I call stretching on a yoga mat with Enya playing in the background "fake-yoga")-so I'm feeling refreshed and energized and ready to finally sit down and type out what I'm going to be doing in the next weeks to remedy my binge-induced weight gain.
   Most of you have probably heard about eating 6-8 small meals a day instead of 3 big meals-the concept isn't very new, it's been around for a while. The problem is, when most people do it, they break up a "regular" daily intake of 1,500-2,000cals into those 6-8 small meals. Obviously, I don't want to consume anywhere NEAR that many calories...but I really like the idea of eating less more often, and the science behind it seems to be that this eating pattern promotes a faster and more efficient metabolism, which allows your body to burn fat more effectively.
   Many of you have probably ALSO heard of the 2-4-6-8 diet that's uber-popular among the ED community, which is 200cal one day, 400cal the next day, and so on. The logic behind this is ALSO to keep your metabolism from slowing down too much, by sort of "tricking" it into a pattern where it never gets used to ONLY having one set amount, which would make it sort of plateau.
   Additionally, I've written before about how I'm really into getting the daily amount of fiber in the least amount of calories possible. I've also written before about how I'm sort of obsessed with Tanya Zuckerbrot, who wrote the F-Factor diet all about losing weight with fiber and founded my FAV website, SkinnyintheCity.com. Right, well the whole idea of enough fiber aiding in weight-loss is that fiber is basically undigestable, meaning that it is not absorbed by your colon. That is why it is so helpful in aiding digestion, because it pretty much goes right through you since it can't be digested itself.
   Then, of course, there is my old BFF, the negative-calorie diet, which consists only of foods that burn more calories in their digestion than they contain, in essence cancelling themselves out and allowing you to eat your fill of these foods without the guilt.
   So what to make of all this? What I've been doing the last few days is trying to make a plan that basically COMBINES all of these ideas into one diet, and then add in exercise. What I've come up with is the following:

Day 1: 300 Calories
300 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 50cal meals

Day 2: 450 Calories
450 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 75cal meals

Day 3: 600 Calories
600 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 100cal meals

Day 4: 750 Calories
750 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 125cal meals

Day 5: Start Cycle Over at 300 Calories.

This is the most basic way to explain the diet. In addition to that foundation, which combines the 6 small meals and 2-4-6-8 method:
*Within the 6 meals, you must meet 100% of daily fiber value (mine is ~20grams, find yours at http://www.healthcalculators.org/calculators/fiber.asp)
*Hunger felt in between meals can be satieted with negative-calorie snacks
*Must integrate at least 60minutes of high-calorie burning exercise each day (My favorite is 60 minutes on the treadmill at 15% incline and between 3.5 and 4.5 speed-burns between 500 and 650 calories in just one hour!)

OK, so how do you do this? Below is a list of foods and snacks that are ALL ONLY 50 CALORIES:

1 cup Manischewitz Matzo Ball & Soup Mix
1/2 of a large grapefruit
2.5 cups sugarfree flavored gelatin
12 baby carrots
3/4 cup serving of fruit smoothie (1 c nonfat sugar-free yogurt, 1 c strawberries, 1 banana, 3 c crushed ice)
10 dill pickle spears
1.25 c spinich, boiled and drained
3/4 cup gazpacho (no bread)
1 c chopped cantalope or watermelon

Surf 'n' Turf
1 think slice smoked salmon
1.5 pieces California roll
1/3 slim jim
1.5 strips bacon
2 thin slices turkey breast

1/2 Nature Valley Oats 'N Honey Granola Bar
1 Lightlife Smart Dogs Meatless Franks
1/2 cup vegetarian barley soup
2 pieces Turtle Island Tofurkey Jurky

1/2 wedge of honeydew melon w/thin slice honey ham
3 saltines each topped w/ two thin slices turkey pepperoni
3 Nabisco Original Wheat Thins topped w/ low-fat cream cheese and thin slice of pickle
10 medium strawberries w/ 1 tbsp Cool Whip topping
1/2 c diced watermelon mixed w/ 1 tbsp lowfat yogurt

1 fig bar
1 Charms Junior blow Pop
1 tbsp honey
2 hershey kisses
5 Brach's jelly beans
12 M&M's Chocolate Candies

5 potato chips
2 cups light microwave popcorn
4 lowfat Honey Maid Honey Grahams
11 dry roasted peanuts

6 oz. Dannon Light & Fit nonfat yogurt
1/2 low-fat ice cream sandwich
1 Breyers "Pure Fruit" Fruit & Cream Bar
1 Dove Ice Cream Miniature

15 seedless grapes
1.5 cups chopped cucumber w/ 3/4 tbsp olive oil, squirt of lemon juice and salt
2 medium tomatoes or 16 cherry tomatoes
4 pimiento-stuffed Queen olives
7 almonds
2 oz. red or white wine

Bottoms Up
1 cup V8 100% vegetable juice
1 cup light apple juice
1 cup coffee w/ 1 tbsp half-and-half and 1 tsp sugar
1 diet root beer float w/ 1/4 cup light vanilla ice cream
unlimited iced tea
6 oz. Bud Light
2 oz. red or white wine

And here is a list of all the negative-calorie foods:
Negative Calorie Vegetables

Beet Root
Celery Chicory
Hot Chili
Garden cress
Green Beans

Negative Calorie Fruits
Grapefruit Honeydew
Peach Pineapple

But What about the Fiber?! High fiber-foods include vegetables, whole grains, beans and legumes. A food item is considered to be high fiber if it contains at least 5 g of fiber per serving. The Mayo Clinic offers guidelines of some favorite foods and their fiber content. LOW-calorie, HIGH fiber foods:


Raspberries rank as one of the highest high fiber low calorie foods, at 8.0 g per serving and 1 calorie per raspberry
*Raspberries are followed by Pears at 5.1 g, with about 51 calories for a medium sized pear
*Next are Apples at 4.4, at roughly 55 calories for a small apple
*Then Blueberries, roughly 40 calories for 50 berries and 3.5 grams fiber
*And Strawberries, which average about 2 calories per strawberry and 3.3 grams of fiber each
*Finally, Raisins, which provide 1.6 grams of fiber per 1.5 ounce serving and roughly 42 calories for a 5-ounce box.

*Whole-wheat Spaghetti weighs in at 6.3 g of fiber per serving and approximately 174 calories per 1-cup serving
*One cup of Oatmeal provides 4.0 grams and about 60 calories per serving
*Whole-wheat or Multigrain Breads offer 1.9 grams per slice and about 65 calories per slice.

*Cooked Peas, at a whopping 8.8 g of fiber and a low 67 calories per cup serving size
*Boiled Turnip Greens, which offer about 5.0 grams of fiber per cup sized serving and about 48 calories
*Raw Carrots offer 1.7 grams of fiber and 21 calories for a small carrot
*Boiled Broccoli offering 5.1 g of fiber and about 52 calories per cup

Also, seeds and nuts help supplement your low calorie and high fiber food diet, but I had a harder time finding exact serving sizes and calories, because there are so many styles and brands...but:
*Sunflower seeds
*Sesame seeds and
*Pumpkin Seeds
Just be sure to look at labels when purchasing store-bought food to determine the grams of fiber as well as calories per serving.

   As you can (hopefully) tell, this took me a lot of time to put together and I scoured the internet and all of the diet books I own to come up with this routine, so I do apologize for it taking so long to compile...but I hope that you find the lists useful regardless of whether or not you have any interest in trying the "plan"-everyone can use low calories snack lists! What I'll be doing is following the 6-meal, incremental calorie plan by making up all of the meals from combinations of the foods from the previous lists. Let's see how this goes!!


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Haven't Forgotten-Pinky Swear!

   Just wanted to say I haven't forgotten to post my new plan-I'm just still workin on the details. I've been doing a lot of research and putting a lot of thought into this one. Just got back from the gym (good sign, lol), am exhausted and making some tea to enjoy while I relax and watch my nightly Power Hour a.k.a. Daily Show/Colbert Report lineup. I'll be finalizing some details during commercials and posting afterwards in the wee hours of the morning. Anyone ever try "Super Dieter's Tea" from some chick named Laci Le Beau? Sounds more like a porn star than a tea maker to me-but whatever floats your boat, I guess. Bought a box of it today-couldn't resist. Gunna see if it's anything like Smooth Move from GNC.

Peace out for now


Monday, July 5, 2010

Honeymoon Period = OVER!

   As is often the case with me, the period of time during which I last posted (when I was feeling great, doing great, losing weight, etc) officially ended soon after that last post, and I've had a pretty rapid downward spiral. I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised anymore, this always happens to me in predictable cycles-usually when I'm feeling my absolute best, I know that a crash is just around the corner. Still, you never fully get used to it, no matter how many times it happens.
   I haven't talked about it in a little while, but I am moving back to South Florida to be closer to my parents, specifically my father. The problem is that I'm staying WITH my parents while I find a new job and a new place-and I NEVER imagined how stressful this would be! I haven't lived with them since high school, and I thought "Hey, it's no big deal, I'm an adult now..." WRONG. So, so, so wrong. It's been absolutely terrible. Here I am, a college graduate, an independant woman who has been living on my own for over five years-and I feel like a teenager again. And I FUCKING HATED MY TEENAGE YEARS! They were beyond awful, worst years of my life...and being home, living in my old room, having to constantly deal with my parents has been so mentally draining. My parents haven't changed at all-don't get me wrong, I love them and I know they love me-but going from seeing them 6 times a year to EVERY FUCKING DAY again is going to kill me. I had almost forgotten why I hated high school so much...until now.
   What has been making it worse, I think, is that my mother was recently laid off, so she is currently unemployed and also job hunting...which means we are in the house together ALL DAY LONG, which means that I never have any time to just be by myself to think, write, read, cook, exercise, relax...anything! I know that this could sound very whiny and immature of me, but trust me in that you have no idea how valuable those small things are to your sense of self and independance until they are gone again! You reach a certain point in your life, and you sort of come into your own and put the past behind you, and you forgive your parents for whatever bullshit happened when you were 15, and you respect them more as human beings and hope that they have done the same towards you. I had finally begun to let go of so much, and feel as though I had earned the respect of my family and had come to be seen as an equal.
   But just in the few weeks I've been here, the mere idea that I ever even THOUGHT those things has become nothing short of delusional. Technically, my lease at my apartment is not up until July 31st, so I can come and go there until August 1st. I had TRIED to get the move over with early, so that I wasn't scrambling to get out at the last minute...but I can't stand it here right now. I've been so frustrated and upset, and it has really taken a toll on my attitude and (worst of all) my body. My mother's constant nitpicking and questioning of every little thing I do or say or wear has turned me into this person that I hate. I'm always so annoyed that I've become very short with both of my parents, and in fact I rarely ever even speak to them in anything but a resentful and contentious tone. That's not the person I want to be! I'm kind and caring and patient and thoughtful!! Yet, you wouldn't know it if you just heard me the last couple of weeks.
   Anyway, as you've probably expected or gathered, I've gained weight and sort of "fallen off the wagon." I've been swinging back and forth between all-out bingeing, restricting, and bingeing/purging. I've had three epic binges in the last 2 weeks that, when I was done eating enough calories for a week, I didn't even purge! I was so depressed and exhausted and hopeless feeling that I just PASSED OUT. I haven't binged and not purged in YEARS! Like, I'm talking MAJOR binges. Two pints of Ben & Jerry's, an entire bag of movie-theater-butter popcorn, an entire jar of peanut butter, full sleeves of Ritz crackers dipped and topped in whatever I can find (mustard, cream cheese, jelly, ranch dressing, olives...the list goes on and on), whole bags of mini marshmallows, Ramen noodles smothered in butter and olive oil and parmesan cheese...I think you get the idea. And then, just crying and passing out on the couch with ALL OF IT! Then, of course, I'd wake up the next day, realize what I had done, and go into an all-out panic attack over all the calories I ate, and then not eat at all for two or three days to compensate...which of course would then lead to another binge.
   Then of course there have been regular binge/purge sessions, where I at least have the sense to get rid of what I just ate...like this morning while my mom was on an interview. Anyway, I think everyone understands what's been going on. I'll cut to the hard numbers and get it over with. As of this morning, I've gained 6 pounds. From 104 to 110. So disgusted with myself. But, I took pictures nonetheless, because I wanted to regain some sense of control and normalcy. I've been so miserable that I haven't even wanted to post-but I realized that maybe not posting for so long has contributed to this funk, because this is my outlet and where I have people who understand me and have been through similar struggles and who don't judge me. I couldn't sleep at all last night, my head was just racing with thoughts of how to fix this situation, and at around 4am I shot up in bed, got up, got a pad and paper, and sat down at the kitchen table while my parents slept to devise a plan, because I just can't live like this.
   I've decided that the key to surviving my stint back home is to be in the house as little as humanly possible. If I'm not here, no one can bother me-right? I went out today and joined a gym-my old apartment complex had a fitness center that was included with the rent, so I didn't have to have a seperate gym membership, which saved a lot of money. HOWEVER, I am willing to spend the extra money if it gives me a place to go and get it shape while avoiding my family at the same time. Which is why I did not just join any gym, but a 24-hour gym, so that I can get the fuck out of here whenever I want to and have somewhere that will be open and let me in. Also, instead of doing all of my job searching from my parents' computer, which requires that I be in the house for hours and hours-I have decided to take my laptop to the library every day from now on. There is a local branch literally less than 10 minutes from the house-so I can walk there with a backpack and get in extra exercise, be productive, and get out of the house all at the same time. I've also decided that I don't want to be a legal secretary forever, and that I want to go to law school. Which means I have to re-take the LSATs, which means I need to study for the LSATs, which means I have another excuse to be at the library or Starbucks or wherever.
   I'm also going to drive the five hours back to my apartment on July 10th (this coming Saturday) and STAY THERE until right before my lease is up. I figure, why should I suffer down here two weeks more than I have to when I'm still paying rent for that apartment for this month. That way I can sort of re-group, and finish moving everything at my own pace, instead of doing it all in one day with a rental van like my parents wanted me to do. I'm still working on what I'm going to do about food...I haven't decided yet whether to go back to my fall-back plan of negative calorie only foods, or if I want to try something new. The thing is, I'm always reading and researching new diets and tips and tricks, so even though I know that my negative-calorie method eventually gets the job done-I'm always looking for better, faster ways. There are a couple things I read about recently that I kind of want to try out...I might end up sitting down tonight and sort of making a hybrid plan of some new and old methods. I'll post tomorrow with what I come up with.
   Here are pics from today. ::Gulps::
This is what depressed looks like.

Front view

Side view-you can really tell in this one, where my stomach doesn't go in anymore but OUT!

So, I also went out and bought a Juicy Couture bathing suit in an EXTRA SMALL, which I am very much NOT right now, in order to motivate me. I figured, it worked with the Nanette Lepore dress, and this is something else I've wanted for a while. I only bought the bottoms though (I know, kinda weird) because I didn't like the top, and I have an off-white halter bikini top that matches and looks better. But ya so here is how this is SUPPOSED to look on someone who is thin enough to wear it:
And here is what it looks like on me right now:
I know, pretty gross. It doesn't even look like the same suit on me.

   Well, that's why I have to lose the weight again! Going to be looking at this picture A LOT for motivation, you can be damn sure of that! UGH-on top of everything else, ANOTHER friend of mine is getting married tomorrow! I feel like such a bitch-it's not that I'm not happy for her, it's just like...JESUS! Why are all my friends getting married and I'm just getting more fucked up? Luckily this one is local, at the synagogue around the corner where she had her Bat Mitzvah, so no expensive plane tickets or resorts (as awesome as Antigua was-it really put a dent in my savings account!).
   The thing is, I went with her on Saturday to buy everything for the wedding (it was kind of a last minute thing, long story, has to do with her fiance's immigration status)-so we were literally buying the dress, the shoes, the jewelry...EVERYTHING three days before the wedding! Luckily we found it all, but the thing is...she has lost a LOT of weight in the past 6 months or so, like went from a size 10 to a 4 (US), and she is taller than me (like everyone, not difficult when you're 4'9'') so everything just looked amazing on her. And even though I can still fit into some (not all) of my 2s right now, she still seems so much thinner than me. The whole time we were shopping store associates kept commenting on how pretty and thin she was, and it was really difficult for me. I kept thinking "You are the same size if not a little smaller than her, but she makes it look 100 times better than you do."
   Whatever, I can't think anymore-I think I'm just rambling now. The point is, I have to be there an hour before everyone else tomorrow to do her make-up-so I'm going to sleep early so that I can wake up at 6am so that I can have MYSELF ready and at the synagogue in time to get HER ready.

Oy vey.