Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Travel Anxiety!

   Well, I'm leaving on a trip to Wisconsin in about...ohhhh 4 hours, and I'll be gone for about six days. I've been incredibly stressed and nervous about this trip for a lot of reasons, but two of the biggest ones (surprise, surprise...) involve weight and food. The trip requires that I wear a suit almost every day, and about a month ago I bought a new suit just for this trip and had it tailored to fit me like a glove and kind of create the illusion of an hourglass shape. I was sick of comments from people about how my suits were too big on me or how I looked like I was playing dress up. Anyway, I'm making this way too long of an explanation. The point is that I was at close to my lowest weight when I had it tailored, about 101 lbs, and since then I've gained weight!! I was so happy to be under 105 again, and then I fucked up and started drinking alcohol again...which led to (in addition to the empty drink calories) a few late night binges that I didn't get to purge because I passed out.  So I'm kind of FREAKING OUT that my suit isn't even going to BUTTON and I'm just going to look like a giant, bulging, disgusting mess.
   On top of that, eating the food I'm comfortable eating is really difficult when I go out of town, and always gives me some anxiety. But usually my trips are between 2-3 days, and I have a pretty down-pat routine: One day, I just let people see me eat some salad or fruit-whichever is provided-around lunch time and then either just order another salad for dinner or a plate of steamed broccoli. I got some strange looks the first time everyone saw me do that, but since I'm a vegetarian its a little easier to explain away. The second day, I avoid everyone at meal times and don't eat anything, and if anyone asks where I was I tell them that I was doing work. THEN, when we all go out to dinner together, I binge and EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT! Appetizers, wine, pasta, dessert-the works! Then when we get back to the hotel I say that I have to make a "personal phone call" and use the bathroom in the lobby to purge, so that the bathroom in our room won't smell. 
   It's not exactly rocket science, but it has kept everyone from knowing about my eating disorder, which I am a fan of. The problem is, that works when you're only gone for 2 or maybe 3 three days...but SIX DAYS?! Shit. I feel like there is no way to pull that for six days without anyone getting suspicious. So I called the hotel and asked if they have fridges in the rooms, which they do, so now I'm thinking I'm going to bring a bunch of my own food to have with me, which I'm thinking that because its Passover I can get away with because no one else knows what the fuck you can and can't eat on Passover. 
   Anyway, I've just been so stressed out about this trip that all I want to do is binge on comfort food, but I know that I can't because I need my suit to fit and I've been working so hard the past week to lose weight before leaving. roommate's mother sent her a GIANT CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF CHOCOLATES for Easter!!! And when she opened it, she opened every single bag and had one of each kind, then just LEFT THEM ON THE KITCHEN TABLE and said "have as much as you want!" Well, GD!!! I somehow miraculously managed to keep from eating them the past three days, but tonight I was about to have a panic attack about the trip-not only because of what I just explained, but in addition to those personal issues I also just am not nearly as prepared for this as I should be and have SO MUCH work to do and finish before my presentation is anywhere near the level it should be...UGH just typing it is making my heart race...I should be researching and finishing work not writing this blog...but I just needed a break from looking at that stuff! 
  Well, I wanted to eat every last morsel out of all SIX of her bags of chocolate when I got home tonight. But I kept trying to tell myself that it would throw away all my hard work this week...but I wanted them SO BADLY! What did I do? I took one piece from every bag, unwrapped them, stood over the kitchen sink and chewed them all one by one and spit them out. After each bite I rinsed and gargled to make sure there wasn't any "residue" to absorb through my gums or something before moving on to the next one. The whole process took about 15-20 minutes as each piece had about 3 bites in it.
   But as I was standing over my kitchen sink, spitting chewing and spitting chocolate down the garbage disposal, I had two thoughts. First, that I was so proud of myself for having the self control to not binge on all the candy and what a smart idea it was of me to just chew and spit it, instead. Second, what a fucked up thing to think my first thought was. There I was, chewing delicious chocolate that I wanted to eat so badly, spitting it out and into a drain, rinsing and gargling with water, and then repeating about 18 times...and then thinking that I had SO MUCH SELF-CONTROL!! 
   Ya, like people who are in control do this shit! I realized how completely backwards my relationship with food is: it controls me, I don't control it. I remember being told that in treatment one time, but since I didn't want to be there in the first place and was a little resentful, I pretty much just ignored it. But damn, I could hear that bitch's voice in my ear tonight! Shit...I really have to stop doing this now and get back to work and print stuff out. Just needed a venting break. More like a journaling break, since the only one listening/reading is me lol. Aight-party's over.