Monday, May 30, 2011


BlogPress is a piece of shit and hasn't worked in 3 days, despite it not being a free app and I shelled out $4.99 for it so that I could have a dependable app. FAIL. If it's still not working tomorrow I'll take the five dollar hit and fucking delete it and find another one. I was yelling at my phone like a crazy person, I realized I could just e-mail the pic to myself without going downstairs and getting the cord and importing to iPhoto. Yes, I'm that lazy sometimes. So here it is.
Now I'm for serial going to bed. Ciao!


The Official Diet/Exercise Update

Hola chicas! I'm kind of tired, have been doing a lot of work today, so my eyes are going a little bonkers from staring at the computer screen since like 10am. So, I'll just get straight to the main update.

Basically what I've been doing for about the past month or so is that I eat between 600-850 calories per day, and I work out between 2-4 hours per day. Since I went on hiatus from blogging, I had a period where I got all the way down to 97lbs, which made me so incredibly happy and proud of myself I can't even tell you.

I obviously took a picture to document reaching the lowest weight I'd managed to get to post-inpatient treatment. That fucking place really fucked me up. I entered at 95lbs and left at like 115! All they do is make you eat and eat and eat! I was so fat when I left, and it's been a struggle to get back down ever since. Anyway, this was awesome, but it unfortunately didn't last too long.

I decided I really wanted to enter a Triathlon before I move to NYC. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I figured I might as well do it while I'm still in warm, sunny Florida so that I'm not doing it in the freezing cold Hudson river or something. So, I got serious about preparing my body for that level of physical difficulty. I hired a personal trainer, and altered my diet to include more calories than I had been taking in, mostly in the form of protein shakes post-workout. Well, as was inevitable, with all the conditioning training we were doing plus the added protein, I got a lot stronger. Which is good, but that comes with gaining muscle mass, which adds weight, which was rough for me.

When I got up to 108, it was officially too much for me to handle, especially after my 97lbs victory that had been so recent. I went back to pure cardio and lowered the calories, and as of this morning am at 105. I took a picture, but it's on my iPhone not my laptop, and I don't really feel like hooking it up and importing it at the moment. But I'll prob just post it by itself after this post with my BlogPress app.

I am still technically "training" for the Triathlon, I haven't given that up (especially since I already paid the $69 registration fee), I'm just not doing conditioning anymore. The events are really all cardio anyway (swim-bike-run). While I do understand that stronger muscles help cardio performance, I just don't give a fuck. I'm not trying to win it, I'm trying to complete it. I'm pretty confident I can do that at a lower weight. My goal right now is to get back down to 100lbs in the next couple weeks, and then see from there if I want to go lower. I mean, I obviously do want to go lower, but it might not be smart to go too much lower than that until after the race. I am going to need to have some stamina.

That's the update for now. I'm going to start posting some recipes and products I've been using/am hooked on. I have so many meals that are under 250cal and still provide the full amount of fiber and protein for the day. Alright, I'm off to bed. Gotta be at the gym by 8:30am. Night!


Friday, May 27, 2011

Slightly better...

OK, couldn't get my old background to work for the effin life of me...but I did get another one to work. I'm going to leave it alone and let it grow on me. If I don't like it anymore by tomorrow I'll try again. Le sigh.



PS- If anyone can tell wtf is wrong with my background, template, design, etc...please let me know! I've been trying for the past two hours to fix it and I'm ready to PULL MY HAIR OUT! I use the "At the Cottage" background from ShabbyBlogs, and I already went and re-copied the new, updated code. It's just all do I get all the solid white to go away? Or make my sidebar images not be like a mile and a half apart from each other? This is gunna drive me nuts!



Well hey there!
    I spent most of yesterday recovering from my epic birthday night, in alternating states of hydrating and sleeping with a single outdoor excursion to my therapist's office. I'm finally pretty much back to normal and WIDE AWAKE, so I thought I may as well do something productive and pick up the bliz-og. It's gunna take a little bit to get back into writing again, but I'm already happy that it's back in my life.
   My friends took me to a STRIP CLUB for my birthday! Ohmygosh it was epic. I had somehow managed to go my entire life (well, I guess since I turned 18) without ever having been to a strip club, and it never bothered me, to be honest. I thought they were probably sketchy as fuck and since I'm a flaming liberal feminist at heart, I've also thought of them as degrading to women. So I had mixed reactions when that turned out to be my surprise...but guess what? This sister can admit when she's wrong-shit was off the chain. Thought I'd died and went to heaven! Even sprung for a private lap dance, which was also awe-some.
   Of course, the hardest thing about birthdays (for me, anyway) is balancing the desire to have fun and celebrate with staying in the parameters of what is acceptable food and alcohol consumption. Now, what I deem to be acceptable food and alcohol consumption may different from your definition, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that anyone reading this blog's definition is probably different from the average person's. But everyone knows what it's like to overindulge, and most people can empathize with the guilt that can come along with that.
   As I touched on in my last post, I've almost entirely eliminated binging and purging from my life, which is something that I never thought I'd be able to say in a million years. As my therapist constantly reminds me, I am still bulimic, but have shifted from SIV to over-exercising as a form of purging. I know that he's right, but I honestly feel so much healthier and better without all the vomiting. I was always sick, my throat always hurt, I felt like I always smelled like throw up, and I spent a really disproportional amount of my waking hours bent over a toilet. All that and I was still never happy with my weight, I was always hungry or thinking about food or anticipating my next binge.
  I don't really "binge" anymore like I used to, where I'd just eat and eat and eat with the sole intention of purging afterward. I sort of just eat the same thing every day, which is boring. However, boring = predictable, and I like knowing how many calories I'm going to have that day, how many grams of fiber, how many grams of protein, etc. It keeps me sane and not running for the junk food isle at Walgreens at 2am. Of course, sometimes I allow something different for special occasions, like my birthday, in which case I try not to super stress and just eat whatever because it's my birthday-just let myself eat a little more than normal.
   Like, normally for my birthday dinner I would just lose my shit. I'd think "it's my birthday, I can eat what I want" and then 4 bites into some ridiculous fried appetizer I've already decided I've had too much fat or carbs and that I'm finding a bathroom and purging the whole meal as soon as its over. And that's before the entree or dessert. And suddenly your birthday isn't that fun when you're over a toilet thinking WHY WHY WHY DID I EAT THAT?!?!
   This year I took a new approach, which was to stay within the limits of what I would consider acceptable or normal on any other day, but then let myself enjoy a bite or two of an appetizer I might not usually get and a dessert. Sharing is caring!! Sharing saves my life!! I really wanted to try the parmesan spinach dip, but that's something I would normally steer clear of because of all the fat and grease. So, we ordered it (and fuck yes it was covered in grease), and because there were three of us and I still had an entree coming, I was able to just have about 3 bites without feeling guilty or wasteful because my parents each had some, too.
  For my entree I just got a salad, which was made of spinach leaves and arugula instead of lettuce, and it had a goat cheese medallion on top with some walnuts and some kind of lemon-butter dressing. Now here, the salad was pretty much OK except for the huge hunk of goat cheese (which is my favorite cheese and oh-so-delicious) and the dressing. Walnuts have a high fat content too, actually, but there were like 5 halves, they weren't worrying me too much. So the cheese is what I wanted the most, but also what was prob the worst, so I immediately cut the medallion in half and set one half on the spinach dip so that it would get taken away. Then I asked for balsamic vinegar to use instead of whatever they gave me (balsamic vinegar = 0 cal), and now I felt fine about enjoying every bite of that half-medallion of goat cheese.
   Dessert is the worst, but I really believe that some pre-planning and sharing make all the difference. Oh, ya. I forgot about the pre-planning. Unless the meal out is truly spontaneous for some reason, you can usually look up the menu beforehand for anywhere you're going to end up for a special occasion, and then budget accordingly. This particular restaurant was famous for it's "unique" desserts, like fried brownie wontons and cheesecake spring rolls. Ya, you read that correctly. What I actually wanted was the fried brownie wontons, and I wanted to eat all three of them by myself. But, I know where that road I compromised and got the cheesecake spring rolls (still totally decadent and ridiculous, but a lot less than the brownie wontons). There were two cheesecake spring rolls, and what I like to do is serve others first so that it both seems like you are being polite but you can only leave yourself the amount you want to eat. This works better for me than everyone just eating with their fork out of the main dish, because you might still end up eating more than you meant to. So, I just cut it all up and gave each of my parents a bigger portion than I left myself, and then I got to enjoy the best 3 bites EVER. Seriously, it was so fucking good it shouldn't be legal.
    OK, that's all for now. Just wanted to share my big birthday meal, how I dealt with it without purging, and my strip-club extravaganza. Hopefully some of the tips can be useful to others, even though I know they seem obvious. I've actually read about 3 books about diet and nutrition during my little break, and they've really helped me a lot with how I approach weight loss/fat loss. When I next get the chance I'm gunna go in and change all my numbers, since they are mad old. Also, I can't wait to do a post about workouts/exercise/supplements. Til next time!


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"I can be changed by what happens to me, but i refuse to be reduced by it."

Today is my 24th birthday, and I decided that it would be the perfect time to re-enter the online world of social media. For months I've been trying to decide whether or not I should start blogging again, and if I should, when would be the right time to start?
Well, a lot has happened since I decided to stop writing. I'm thrilled to report that I've been accepted to law school in New York City, and will be leaving the south (hopefully) for good in August. During my break I busted my ass studying for the LSATs, applying to 15 law schools all over the country, and taking online classes to finish my undergraduate degree. I made the decision that I needed to focus everything on my future and getting the hell out of here, and that distractions like blogging and tweeting would have to wait.
Although I certainly missed this outlet, I believe that it paid off. I increased my LSAT score by 6 points from the last time I took it, which doesn't sound like much, but is actually huge. It took me from the 48th percentile nationwide to the 80th percentile, opening doors for me to schools that I previously didn't stand a chance at getting accepted to.
This time last year I remember starving myself for the days leading up to my birthday so that I could eat a birthday dinner. Today, I'm able to say that I have not skipped a meal in about two weeks, and that I am very much looking forward to my birthday dinner with my parents tonight.
This does not mean that I've magically "beaten" my eating disorder, I still struggle with it daily. Without going into too much detail (saving for the next post), I would say that I've largely become more of a restricter and exercise addict than binger and purger- although I still have my episodes every so often. Overall, though, I feel a lot better today than last year. Not that it's necessarily any better or healthier, but right now the exercising is providing me with the ability to five myself permission to eat and even enjoy food, albeit food I consider "healthy," which tends to include mostly "safe foods" like fruits, vegetables, protein and fiber. I can't wait to talk about what Ive been doing/up to in more detail in future posts, including exercise/diet regimens and my life in general.
I debated for a long time whether I should wait til I was permanently moved to NYC before rekindling the blog, as I thought that would truly represent my new start. But, I have a feeling that the days and weeks leading up to and immediately following the move and beginning of law school classes will turn out to be stressful and hectic-so I decided might as well start a little early-and what better than my birthday?
On that note, I'm going to run and get a quick gym session in before getting ready for the rest of the day. I'm really happy to be back, and I hope that everyone has been staying strong. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to sharing more in the posts to come!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone