Monday, July 5, 2010

Honeymoon Period = OVER!

   As is often the case with me, the period of time during which I last posted (when I was feeling great, doing great, losing weight, etc) officially ended soon after that last post, and I've had a pretty rapid downward spiral. I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised anymore, this always happens to me in predictable cycles-usually when I'm feeling my absolute best, I know that a crash is just around the corner. Still, you never fully get used to it, no matter how many times it happens.
   I haven't talked about it in a little while, but I am moving back to South Florida to be closer to my parents, specifically my father. The problem is that I'm staying WITH my parents while I find a new job and a new place-and I NEVER imagined how stressful this would be! I haven't lived with them since high school, and I thought "Hey, it's no big deal, I'm an adult now..." WRONG. So, so, so wrong. It's been absolutely terrible. Here I am, a college graduate, an independant woman who has been living on my own for over five years-and I feel like a teenager again. And I FUCKING HATED MY TEENAGE YEARS! They were beyond awful, worst years of my life...and being home, living in my old room, having to constantly deal with my parents has been so mentally draining. My parents haven't changed at all-don't get me wrong, I love them and I know they love me-but going from seeing them 6 times a year to EVERY FUCKING DAY again is going to kill me. I had almost forgotten why I hated high school so much...until now.
   What has been making it worse, I think, is that my mother was recently laid off, so she is currently unemployed and also job hunting...which means we are in the house together ALL DAY LONG, which means that I never have any time to just be by myself to think, write, read, cook, exercise, relax...anything! I know that this could sound very whiny and immature of me, but trust me in that you have no idea how valuable those small things are to your sense of self and independance until they are gone again! You reach a certain point in your life, and you sort of come into your own and put the past behind you, and you forgive your parents for whatever bullshit happened when you were 15, and you respect them more as human beings and hope that they have done the same towards you. I had finally begun to let go of so much, and feel as though I had earned the respect of my family and had come to be seen as an equal.
   But just in the few weeks I've been here, the mere idea that I ever even THOUGHT those things has become nothing short of delusional. Technically, my lease at my apartment is not up until July 31st, so I can come and go there until August 1st. I had TRIED to get the move over with early, so that I wasn't scrambling to get out at the last minute...but I can't stand it here right now. I've been so frustrated and upset, and it has really taken a toll on my attitude and (worst of all) my body. My mother's constant nitpicking and questioning of every little thing I do or say or wear has turned me into this person that I hate. I'm always so annoyed that I've become very short with both of my parents, and in fact I rarely ever even speak to them in anything but a resentful and contentious tone. That's not the person I want to be! I'm kind and caring and patient and thoughtful!! Yet, you wouldn't know it if you just heard me the last couple of weeks.
   Anyway, as you've probably expected or gathered, I've gained weight and sort of "fallen off the wagon." I've been swinging back and forth between all-out bingeing, restricting, and bingeing/purging. I've had three epic binges in the last 2 weeks that, when I was done eating enough calories for a week, I didn't even purge! I was so depressed and exhausted and hopeless feeling that I just PASSED OUT. I haven't binged and not purged in YEARS! Like, I'm talking MAJOR binges. Two pints of Ben & Jerry's, an entire bag of movie-theater-butter popcorn, an entire jar of peanut butter, full sleeves of Ritz crackers dipped and topped in whatever I can find (mustard, cream cheese, jelly, ranch dressing, olives...the list goes on and on), whole bags of mini marshmallows, Ramen noodles smothered in butter and olive oil and parmesan cheese...I think you get the idea. And then, just crying and passing out on the couch with ALL OF IT! Then, of course, I'd wake up the next day, realize what I had done, and go into an all-out panic attack over all the calories I ate, and then not eat at all for two or three days to compensate...which of course would then lead to another binge.
   Then of course there have been regular binge/purge sessions, where I at least have the sense to get rid of what I just this morning while my mom was on an interview. Anyway, I think everyone understands what's been going on. I'll cut to the hard numbers and get it over with. As of this morning, I've gained 6 pounds. From 104 to 110. So disgusted with myself. But, I took pictures nonetheless, because I wanted to regain some sense of control and normalcy. I've been so miserable that I haven't even wanted to post-but I realized that maybe not posting for so long has contributed to this funk, because this is my outlet and where I have people who understand me and have been through similar struggles and who don't judge me. I couldn't sleep at all last night, my head was just racing with thoughts of how to fix this situation, and at around 4am I shot up in bed, got up, got a pad and paper, and sat down at the kitchen table while my parents slept to devise a plan, because I just can't live like this.
   I've decided that the key to surviving my stint back home is to be in the house as little as humanly possible. If I'm not here, no one can bother me-right? I went out today and joined a gym-my old apartment complex had a fitness center that was included with the rent, so I didn't have to have a seperate gym membership, which saved a lot of money. HOWEVER, I am willing to spend the extra money if it gives me a place to go and get it shape while avoiding my family at the same time. Which is why I did not just join any gym, but a 24-hour gym, so that I can get the fuck out of here whenever I want to and have somewhere that will be open and let me in. Also, instead of doing all of my job searching from my parents' computer, which requires that I be in the house for hours and hours-I have decided to take my laptop to the library every day from now on. There is a local branch literally less than 10 minutes from the house-so I can walk there with a backpack and get in extra exercise, be productive, and get out of the house all at the same time. I've also decided that I don't want to be a legal secretary forever, and that I want to go to law school. Which means I have to re-take the LSATs, which means I need to study for the LSATs, which means I have another excuse to be at the library or Starbucks or wherever.
   I'm also going to drive the five hours back to my apartment on July 10th (this coming Saturday) and STAY THERE until right before my lease is up. I figure, why should I suffer down here two weeks more than I have to when I'm still paying rent for that apartment for this month. That way I can sort of re-group, and finish moving everything at my own pace, instead of doing it all in one day with a rental van like my parents wanted me to do. I'm still working on what I'm going to do about food...I haven't decided yet whether to go back to my fall-back plan of negative calorie only foods, or if I want to try something new. The thing is, I'm always reading and researching new diets and tips and tricks, so even though I know that my negative-calorie method eventually gets the job done-I'm always looking for better, faster ways. There are a couple things I read about recently that I kind of want to try out...I might end up sitting down tonight and sort of making a hybrid plan of some new and old methods. I'll post tomorrow with what I come up with.
   Here are pics from today. ::Gulps::
This is what depressed looks like.

Front view

Side view-you can really tell in this one, where my stomach doesn't go in anymore but OUT!

So, I also went out and bought a Juicy Couture bathing suit in an EXTRA SMALL, which I am very much NOT right now, in order to motivate me. I figured, it worked with the Nanette Lepore dress, and this is something else I've wanted for a while. I only bought the bottoms though (I know, kinda weird) because I didn't like the top, and I have an off-white halter bikini top that matches and looks better. But ya so here is how this is SUPPOSED to look on someone who is thin enough to wear it:
And here is what it looks like on me right now:
I know, pretty gross. It doesn't even look like the same suit on me.

   Well, that's why I have to lose the weight again! Going to be looking at this picture A LOT for motivation, you can be damn sure of that! UGH-on top of everything else, ANOTHER friend of mine is getting married tomorrow! I feel like such a bitch-it's not that I'm not happy for her, it's just like...JESUS! Why are all my friends getting married and I'm just getting more fucked up? Luckily this one is local, at the synagogue around the corner where she had her Bat Mitzvah, so no expensive plane tickets or resorts (as awesome as Antigua was-it really put a dent in my savings account!).
   The thing is, I went with her on Saturday to buy everything for the wedding (it was kind of a last minute thing, long story, has to do with her fiance's immigration status)-so we were literally buying the dress, the shoes, the jewelry...EVERYTHING three days before the wedding! Luckily we found it all, but the thing is...she has lost a LOT of weight in the past 6 months or so, like went from a size 10 to a 4 (US), and she is taller than me (like everyone, not difficult when you're 4'9'') so everything just looked amazing on her. And even though I can still fit into some (not all) of my 2s right now, she still seems so much thinner than me. The whole time we were shopping store associates kept commenting on how pretty and thin she was, and it was really difficult for me. I kept thinking "You are the same size if not a little smaller than her, but she makes it look 100 times better than you do."
   Whatever, I can't think anymore-I think I'm just rambling now. The point is, I have to be there an hour before everyone else tomorrow to do her make-up-so I'm going to sleep early so that I can wake up at 6am so that I can have MYSELF ready and at the synagogue in time to get HER ready.

Oy vey.