I'm sorry that I've been away for so long, but I had a family emergency that I had to leave town for. The day after my last post, my father had a heart attack and had to be taken to the ER. However, once he was there, it became apparent that his condition was much more serious than it initially presented-and scans revealed that all four of his arteries were close to 98% blocked. He had to have an emergency quadruple-bypass, and myself and my three siblings flew to be with him and my mother at the hospital, as the doctors were not optimistic about his chances given his age (he turned 70 in December) and health (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, overweight, etc).
Although it has been an extremely difficult few weeks, I am overjoyed to report that my Dad has proven the doctors wrong, and is finally gaining his strength back. Since my Mom works full time and we can't afford an at-home nurse, I stayed to take care of him at home until he was strong enough and well enough to get back his independence. He has a long road ahead still, and his doctors say that he'll probably need another month of bedrest and physical therapy until he can return to work-but has made so much progress! I'm so thankful to still have him with us, and now that he has been doing consistently well, I've been able to come home.
I wanted to thank those who commented and offered advice or support in my last post regarding my possible job relocation. In light of everything that happened immediately after, I declined the offer to work in Boston, and am instead looking into taking something in Miami--so that I can be closer to my parents. That way, I could help my Mom and Dad if they need anything, or just be there incase anything unexpected happens again with my Dad's health. So, it looks like I'll be moving anyway, just not to the Northeast.
Now, how has this all affected my ED and weight? Not very well, I'm afraid. As you can imagine, my ED symptoms have been pretty out of control with all of this stress. Before, I had gotten my bingeing and purging down to all-time low, and was mainly ristricting with exercise. I had been losing weight, and was on my way to my goal of 95 lbs by May 10th...oh, imagine that...today. Well, it all went downhill pretty quickly starting with the immediate minutes after I got the phone call from my Mom that my Dad was in surgery. To make a very long story with countless excuses short, I pretty much went back to lots of bingeing on comfort foods, sometimes up to 5 times a day-and was often too exhausted to purge as thoroughly as I usually do, or sometimes even at all. This resulted in my gaining back some of the weight that I had lost, and I'm currently at 108 lbs.
I have really mixed feelings about this in a lot of ways. First, after seeing my father come so close to losing his life, and watching his strength and determination to live, part of me feels like an evil, ungrateful, petty excuse for a human being to even be thinking about my weight. But I suppose that is what is so debilitating about this disorder. Then, with as much bingeing as I was doing, part of me is actually kind of shocked and impressed in a strange way that I only gained 4 lbs, as it definitely felt like at least 10. When I finally got the courage to weigh myself after coming home, I wasn't thrilled-but I was relieved. And, finally, I am of course disappointed in myself for losing so much control and gaining any weight at all-and that I have to start all over with new goals and new dates.
I have started going through all of my clothes and sorting them according to what should be donated, sold, and kept. I have drawers, suitcases, baskets, and huge sections of my closet just filled with things that don't fit me-whether they are too small or too big. I went to Target and spent almost $100 on some new workout clothes and equipment, and justified it by promising myself that for each new piece of clothing I bought I had to get rid of 4 old things, and that for each piece of equipment I got, I had to lose 3 lbs.
I know that I work best when I have goals to reach and some sort of tangible occasion or reward at the end, so right now I am focusing on one of my best friends' wedding. She is getting married on June 12th, and it is this incredible "destination wedding" in Antigua. It is going to be absolutely gorgeous, and is obviously very tropical-which means a lot of sun, bathing suits, and "vacation" clothes. At the current moment, I would rather die than be seen in a bathing suit. But I refuse to have this trip and her day ruined by my insecurities-so I am starting back on my previous regimen as of today with the goal of being 99 lbs by the time I leave for Antigua. The way I see it, that is 9 lbs in a month, which seems pretty reasonable and not too outlandish. I don't want to set myself up for failure by trying to be 90-95 by then, because I'll just drive myself crazy. Well, crazier. Ha.
Speaking of crazy, has anyone ever done colon hydrotherapy, also called colonics? It's something I saw for the first time on some documentary about the expensive outlandish things that Hollywood stars do to lose weight...so of course I looked up anything that boasted ridiculous results. Well, with colon hydrotherapy, there were accounts of losing between 5-20lbs in one visit! I know, I know...probably too good to be true. But, I started researching it and found a place locally that does it-and it's not as absurdly priced as I expected it to be-only $75 per session. Now, don't get me wrong, $75 is still a lot...but no more than I've spent on food, supplements, clothes, etc on any given day.
For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, here is a link. It's a little too awkward to explain in detail. Basically though. its a really intense 45 minute enema. Now, as gross and potentially embarrassing as the whole thing sounds, I just can't help but wonder if that would all be worth it to lose 5-20lbs in ONE HOUR! Well, I called and made an appointment for 9am this Wednesday, May 12th. For all the money I've wasted on other stuff that hasn't worked, and on food I've just thrown up, I figure what the hell, it's worth a try. So, I will be sure to write a post reviewing my experience, and whether or not it actually results in any weight loss.
I think this post is more than long enough for now, so tomorrow I will be sure to discuss my new diet and exercise plan, as well as some new products I'm trying. Thank you again for your support!