This is just a real quick post before I have to go pick up my dad's storage sheds, but when I woke up this morning I had all these comments from you guys that were just so sweet and amazing! It truly made me smile, and I can't even express how much having you guys and this blog has helped me! Being able to talk openly about my life, my goals, my struggles, and my accompllishments along with my failures really has helped keep me sane some days! Just being able to express myself in a way that I feel I can't with those around me, because they will tell me its "unhealthy" or "bad," etc. has really improved my state of mind so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you...a million times, thank you!!
I went to a wine tasting in Miami last night, which I will post about later. Right now, I'm off to spend the day assembling sheds in the heat...yay? Until later ~ Love you guys!
LM
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
More pics!
These were all taken today
My parents scale
Front view
Side view
Collar bone...didn't come out so well between the sun glare and the dirty mirror. Sry =(
That's all for now!
LM
Pictures!
Roberto and I at the airport in our "Vacation Hats"
First drink in Antigua! (I'm the Red Stripe)
Outside my little cabin
Roberto and I night swimming with the wine he stole from the bar after it closed!
My beautiful Vera walking to the altar!
The ceremony
Cutting the cake
Me and the beautiful bride at the reception
Me with the groom and sister-in-law! Everyone thought it would be funny to get a picture of how short we both are compared to him! Check the dressssssssss!
My favorite picture of the whole wedding! It's so beautiful, it's a shame to black out their faces.
Back in the USA!
Hey everyone!
The giant gap in posting has to do with my roomie's emergency surgery being RIGHT before I had to leave for Antigua, so between spending all my time at the hospital, packing, driving all the way down to Miami for the flight, and leaving...I didn't have a spare minute to think, let alone post. Then, once I was in Antigua...of course my cell phone didn't work without charging me $19.95 per MB transferred, and I didn't bring my laptop because I was afraid of something happening to it. SOOOOOO, ya. BUT, I'm finally home!!
I got back in the country last night, and got a good night's sleep...and now I am ready to majorly fill you guys in! As far as my roommate, thanks so much for your concern. It actually was/is pretty serious, but she's going to be OK. She has something called Ulcerative Colitis, which is basically an inflammatory disease of the large intestine. It's extremely painful, and she ended up having to have part of her intestine removed. She's doing a lot better now, and luckily they didn't have to do one of the more extreme surgeries where the entire colon is removed and them you have to have a colostomy bag...which is kinda of gross. They only had to remove a small part, so she is recovering well now. I'm really happy that she's doing better, but she is still in some pain and won't be able to work for another few weeks. Her room is also upstairs, and since the srugery she can't go up and down stairs very easily, which means she has been living on the couch in the living room. Obviously, she's sick and needs to be there...but I can't imagine another 3 weeks of not being able to use the living room or TV there, so I'll probably try and not be home as much as possible so that I don't feel locked in my room.
And, for the more relevant (to this blog) news...I have good and bad regarding my weight, the wedding, and the dress. The bad news, is that with all of the time I ended up spending at the hospital and the tight travel schedule, I ended up not being able to get in very much exercise in those last days before I left. So, I never reached my 99lb goal. Ugh, that hurts just typing it. HOWEVER, that is the only bad news, and despite not getting under 100lb before leaving, I also didn't gain ANY WEIGHT. Which, to me, is a small victory in and of itself, considering the lack of exercise and some of the awful hospital food I ate. When I left for Antigua, I was still exactly 105lbs...however, because of everything, I didn't have the time to take pictures. I did take pictures at the wedding though...IN MY SIZE ZERO DRESS!!!! Ya, that's basically the best news....that even with not getting down to 99lbs, that Nanette Lepore dress I ordered somehow, magically, miraculously, managed to zip up and fit for the wedding!!! I don't know how it happened, but I'm not going to question it. I'll just accept the gift!!
The wedding was absolutely gorgeous, the resort was fabulous, and it was so amazing to see so many of my friends again in one place when I hadn't seen a lot of them in over a year. What I was worried about, of course, was eating at the resort-it was an all-inclusive deal, so all your meals and drinks were free. Well, not "free"-you pay for it in the price of the resort, but you don't have to think about it while you're there, which is really awesome. However, I was concerned with there just unlimited amounts of free food everywhere, that would lead me to binge and purge constantly. Well, I was there for four days, and ate 3 meals a day every day, and then drank alcohol at night...and only purged one time the entire time I was there. Here is the strangest part: I felt AMAZING! Like, I felt great in all my outfits, everything fit me, I felt good in all of my bathing suits...I have really never experienced anything like it before. I felt healthy, and balanced, and like even though I was eating 3 meals a day, it was ok. I didn't feel like I was gaining weight, I was having regular BMs (the more PC way to say bowel movements, lol), and I just felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.
I've been trying to figure out what it was about the trip that made me feel so good. I think it was a combination of things. First, it wasn't like a normal hotel-style resort. It was 30 individual cottages, each held two people, and they were staggered into the natural mountain side. I happened to be in the cottage that was the furthest up the mountain, so going back and forth from the beach, the pool, the dining area and my cottage was actually quite a hike, and it was uphill. I made the trip back and forth at least 10 times a day, so I think that part of why I didn't feel like I was gaining weight was all of the exercise I was getting that was built into the trip. Then, I pretty much spent all of my time swimming, either in the ocean orin the pool. Swimming burns a TON of calories, so I think that helped, too. Finally, the way the meals were set up, was that breakfast and lunch was buffet-style, and dinner was sit down-style with a menu.
The buffets had very few vegetarian options, so for breakfast every day I really didn't have anything too different from what I was having at home. The only thing I could eat was the eggs and the fruit, really...everything else was come form of meat. And the eggs weren't pre-made, there was an actual station where they cooked everything to order for you, so you could request only the whites. So, every day for breakfast all I had was egg whites with chopped mushrooms, some strawberries and watermelon, and black coffee. Very little calories in all, and yet it was quite filling and all I usually wanted/needed after the previous night of wine-drinking, lol. Lunch was the same, very little vegetarian options. There was always three different kinds of meats, and then salad and some sides. So each day I pretty much ate a giant plate of lettuce with balsamic vinegar, and whatever side didn't have meat mixed in. One day there was this delicious looking chick pea and artichoke heart salad that look amazing that I wanted to try so badly, but they had to go and mix in bacon, so I couldn't have it. The worst thing I had the whole trip was some pasta one day, but I had only a half cup and didn't put any cheese or sauce on it, just topped my salad with it and ate it with vinegar. Dinner had three menue options that changed each night, but it was always 1 meat dish, 1 fish dish, and 1 vegetarian dish...so that was pretty much picked out for me! One night it was a grilled porobello mushroom with no bun (it was like they KNEW!), one night it was roasted vegetables in a lemon-butter sauces, and another night it was a Carribean-style rice and beans sort of casserole. Really, the meals couldn't have been more perfect for my situation. I was able to sit down and eat three times a day with everyone, so that no-one was wondering why I wasn't eating or anything, and still in reality stick pretty well to a very low calorie, low carb intake.
The wedding was absolutely beautiful, and my friend looked so gorgeous. I took about a kajillion pictures, and I'll post soem of them just so you can see how pretty it was. The worst part of the whole trip was just a little bit of sadness I felt that she had moved on to another stage in her life, had found love, etc...and that I am nowhere close. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but of course I never expressed that. But I really don't think it's that abnormal for single people to have those feelings at weddings. It didn't help that literally all of the other guests aside from me and my friend Roberto were couples-and they were all taking those lovely beach-couple pictures. You know the poses-kissing in the sunset, holding hands in the sand, etc. Which just left me and Roberto taking pictures of trees and leaves and shit, haha. Anyway, I think that if that was the worst part, then it was pretty great overall. I'm so happy I went, and you know what the best part is? I left at 105lb, and came back at 104lb! So even with the meal schedule, I actually LOST a pound while I was there, which like I said, I think has something to do with how effing far up a mountainside my cabin was, and all of the swimming.
I'm still at my parents' place at the moment, won't be returning home until Sunday morning. I figured with my roommate living on the couch, I may as well stay away as long as possible, plus, this weekend is Father's Day! But, my dad is actually flying to Washington, D.C. on Saturday to spend it with my sister and her kids, since they haven't seen him since his surgery. Which, by the way, he has been recovering AMAZINGLY! Even faster than the doctors predicted, and he returned to work last week! I'm just so happy that he is doing wo well after such a traumatic surgery, that I wanted to really do something special for him this father's day. So even though he is leaving Saturday, I'm going to take him out Friday night. The only catch is, since his heart surgery, he has a pretty restricted diet, so I can't just take him to his favorite place and let him have his favorite meal like I wish I could-so instead I'm going to cook a really healthy meal for him at home, and then take him out to South Beach, Miami for a live flamenco show, which he has always wanted to see. Also, he has these storage sheds outside in the backyard that have been through three hurricanes now, and are completely falling apart. But, since he has been recovering from quadruple-bypass surgery, it hasn't exactly been a priority. So I also ordered two new storage sheds from Lowe's, which I'm picking up tomorrow morning. I'll then spend the day while he's at work assembling them and transferring all the stuff over from the other ones, and then throwing the old ones out. I know he's going to love it!
Since this post is so long, I'll end it here and do another post for the pictures. An all-picture post! I took ones this morning of the scale, front, side, collar bone...and then I have some wedding pictures, and specifically one of me in THE DRESS!! I'll post them in the next hour! I have to re-do my weight goals and dates, too, but I probably wont get to mapping that out until later tonight or tomorrow morning. Until then-thanks for reading, and stay strong!
LM
The giant gap in posting has to do with my roomie's emergency surgery being RIGHT before I had to leave for Antigua, so between spending all my time at the hospital, packing, driving all the way down to Miami for the flight, and leaving...I didn't have a spare minute to think, let alone post. Then, once I was in Antigua...of course my cell phone didn't work without charging me $19.95 per MB transferred, and I didn't bring my laptop because I was afraid of something happening to it. SOOOOOO, ya. BUT, I'm finally home!!
I got back in the country last night, and got a good night's sleep...and now I am ready to majorly fill you guys in! As far as my roommate, thanks so much for your concern. It actually was/is pretty serious, but she's going to be OK. She has something called Ulcerative Colitis, which is basically an inflammatory disease of the large intestine. It's extremely painful, and she ended up having to have part of her intestine removed. She's doing a lot better now, and luckily they didn't have to do one of the more extreme surgeries where the entire colon is removed and them you have to have a colostomy bag...which is kinda of gross. They only had to remove a small part, so she is recovering well now. I'm really happy that she's doing better, but she is still in some pain and won't be able to work for another few weeks. Her room is also upstairs, and since the srugery she can't go up and down stairs very easily, which means she has been living on the couch in the living room. Obviously, she's sick and needs to be there...but I can't imagine another 3 weeks of not being able to use the living room or TV there, so I'll probably try and not be home as much as possible so that I don't feel locked in my room.
And, for the more relevant (to this blog) news...I have good and bad regarding my weight, the wedding, and the dress. The bad news, is that with all of the time I ended up spending at the hospital and the tight travel schedule, I ended up not being able to get in very much exercise in those last days before I left. So, I never reached my 99lb goal. Ugh, that hurts just typing it. HOWEVER, that is the only bad news, and despite not getting under 100lb before leaving, I also didn't gain ANY WEIGHT. Which, to me, is a small victory in and of itself, considering the lack of exercise and some of the awful hospital food I ate. When I left for Antigua, I was still exactly 105lbs...however, because of everything, I didn't have the time to take pictures. I did take pictures at the wedding though...IN MY SIZE ZERO DRESS!!!! Ya, that's basically the best news....that even with not getting down to 99lbs, that Nanette Lepore dress I ordered somehow, magically, miraculously, managed to zip up and fit for the wedding!!! I don't know how it happened, but I'm not going to question it. I'll just accept the gift!!
The wedding was absolutely gorgeous, the resort was fabulous, and it was so amazing to see so many of my friends again in one place when I hadn't seen a lot of them in over a year. What I was worried about, of course, was eating at the resort-it was an all-inclusive deal, so all your meals and drinks were free. Well, not "free"-you pay for it in the price of the resort, but you don't have to think about it while you're there, which is really awesome. However, I was concerned with there just unlimited amounts of free food everywhere, that would lead me to binge and purge constantly. Well, I was there for four days, and ate 3 meals a day every day, and then drank alcohol at night...and only purged one time the entire time I was there. Here is the strangest part: I felt AMAZING! Like, I felt great in all my outfits, everything fit me, I felt good in all of my bathing suits...I have really never experienced anything like it before. I felt healthy, and balanced, and like even though I was eating 3 meals a day, it was ok. I didn't feel like I was gaining weight, I was having regular BMs (the more PC way to say bowel movements, lol), and I just felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.
I've been trying to figure out what it was about the trip that made me feel so good. I think it was a combination of things. First, it wasn't like a normal hotel-style resort. It was 30 individual cottages, each held two people, and they were staggered into the natural mountain side. I happened to be in the cottage that was the furthest up the mountain, so going back and forth from the beach, the pool, the dining area and my cottage was actually quite a hike, and it was uphill. I made the trip back and forth at least 10 times a day, so I think that part of why I didn't feel like I was gaining weight was all of the exercise I was getting that was built into the trip. Then, I pretty much spent all of my time swimming, either in the ocean orin the pool. Swimming burns a TON of calories, so I think that helped, too. Finally, the way the meals were set up, was that breakfast and lunch was buffet-style, and dinner was sit down-style with a menu.
The buffets had very few vegetarian options, so for breakfast every day I really didn't have anything too different from what I was having at home. The only thing I could eat was the eggs and the fruit, really...everything else was come form of meat. And the eggs weren't pre-made, there was an actual station where they cooked everything to order for you, so you could request only the whites. So, every day for breakfast all I had was egg whites with chopped mushrooms, some strawberries and watermelon, and black coffee. Very little calories in all, and yet it was quite filling and all I usually wanted/needed after the previous night of wine-drinking, lol. Lunch was the same, very little vegetarian options. There was always three different kinds of meats, and then salad and some sides. So each day I pretty much ate a giant plate of lettuce with balsamic vinegar, and whatever side didn't have meat mixed in. One day there was this delicious looking chick pea and artichoke heart salad that look amazing that I wanted to try so badly, but they had to go and mix in bacon, so I couldn't have it. The worst thing I had the whole trip was some pasta one day, but I had only a half cup and didn't put any cheese or sauce on it, just topped my salad with it and ate it with vinegar. Dinner had three menue options that changed each night, but it was always 1 meat dish, 1 fish dish, and 1 vegetarian dish...so that was pretty much picked out for me! One night it was a grilled porobello mushroom with no bun (it was like they KNEW!), one night it was roasted vegetables in a lemon-butter sauces, and another night it was a Carribean-style rice and beans sort of casserole. Really, the meals couldn't have been more perfect for my situation. I was able to sit down and eat three times a day with everyone, so that no-one was wondering why I wasn't eating or anything, and still in reality stick pretty well to a very low calorie, low carb intake.
The wedding was absolutely beautiful, and my friend looked so gorgeous. I took about a kajillion pictures, and I'll post soem of them just so you can see how pretty it was. The worst part of the whole trip was just a little bit of sadness I felt that she had moved on to another stage in her life, had found love, etc...and that I am nowhere close. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but of course I never expressed that. But I really don't think it's that abnormal for single people to have those feelings at weddings. It didn't help that literally all of the other guests aside from me and my friend Roberto were couples-and they were all taking those lovely beach-couple pictures. You know the poses-kissing in the sunset, holding hands in the sand, etc. Which just left me and Roberto taking pictures of trees and leaves and shit, haha. Anyway, I think that if that was the worst part, then it was pretty great overall. I'm so happy I went, and you know what the best part is? I left at 105lb, and came back at 104lb! So even with the meal schedule, I actually LOST a pound while I was there, which like I said, I think has something to do with how effing far up a mountainside my cabin was, and all of the swimming.
I'm still at my parents' place at the moment, won't be returning home until Sunday morning. I figured with my roommate living on the couch, I may as well stay away as long as possible, plus, this weekend is Father's Day! But, my dad is actually flying to Washington, D.C. on Saturday to spend it with my sister and her kids, since they haven't seen him since his surgery. Which, by the way, he has been recovering AMAZINGLY! Even faster than the doctors predicted, and he returned to work last week! I'm just so happy that he is doing wo well after such a traumatic surgery, that I wanted to really do something special for him this father's day. So even though he is leaving Saturday, I'm going to take him out Friday night. The only catch is, since his heart surgery, he has a pretty restricted diet, so I can't just take him to his favorite place and let him have his favorite meal like I wish I could-so instead I'm going to cook a really healthy meal for him at home, and then take him out to South Beach, Miami for a live flamenco show, which he has always wanted to see. Also, he has these storage sheds outside in the backyard that have been through three hurricanes now, and are completely falling apart. But, since he has been recovering from quadruple-bypass surgery, it hasn't exactly been a priority. So I also ordered two new storage sheds from Lowe's, which I'm picking up tomorrow morning. I'll then spend the day while he's at work assembling them and transferring all the stuff over from the other ones, and then throwing the old ones out. I know he's going to love it!
Since this post is so long, I'll end it here and do another post for the pictures. An all-picture post! I took ones this morning of the scale, front, side, collar bone...and then I have some wedding pictures, and specifically one of me in THE DRESS!! I'll post them in the next hour! I have to re-do my weight goals and dates, too, but I probably wont get to mapping that out until later tonight or tomorrow morning. Until then-thanks for reading, and stay strong!
LM
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Emergency
Hey this is real quick from my iPhone at the hospital, my roommate is really sick, had to take her to the emergency room Sunday night...been in and out of hospital since, haven't had time to post...will explain when I am able to type at my laptop. She is having surgery now. Won't be home til they finish and tell us everything went ok. Keep her in your thoughts! More details when this is all over.
LM
LM
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Steady as she goes...
Hey all!
Nothing regarding my diet/exercise/weight has really changed since yesterday-I've decided not to weigh myself until Monday morning, so that I won't freak out over little fraction of a lb changes and just WORK MY ASS OFF! Then, if I'm a little short of my goal in the morning, I can work all day and still have a last shot for night time.
Also, I realized that a lot of readers and bloggers are in the UK (Thanks, "Because I Love Who I Can Become!"), so as soon as I'm through with this post I'm going to go through my stats and do metric conversions and UK sizes for all of them. I know that we Americans are the only ones not on the boat with the Metric system, lol-so that must be frustrating. To be remedied shortly =)
What I kind of want to post about today is about the RAD class I took. I don't know if I've ever brought this up in a post before...pretty sure that I haven't, but I was sexually assaulted about 5 years ago. I never really got counseling or treatment for it until very recently, and I still get nightmares and flashbacks sometimes of it happening. Ever since, I've had this idea that men can do whatever they want and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm no match for their size or strength, which really scares me-because nothing I did stopped it last time. It is quite a reality check-I always used to see on television and in movies, women would escape in the nick of time with a kick to the groin or something like that-but it wasn't that easy.
Well, overall I'm fine now...I still think about it sometimes before I fall asleep at night, but it doesn't hinder or interfere with my every day life anymore. In the beginning, I couldn't leave my apartment for weeks. Then, when I had sort of recovered a bit and had gained back a semblance of normalcy, I saw him in a mall food court after 3 1/2 years. That was rough-it was really terrifying thinking things like "What if he saw me?" "Does he know where I live now?" "Has he been in town this whole time or did he just come back?" etc, etc. For various reasons that I won't go entirely into, I never reported the attack or pressed charges. It was a textbook case of a combination of 1. alcohol and drugs being involved, 2. blaming myself, and 3. that he was not a stranger but rather a friend of a friend. All of these factors made me too scared to report anything to the police. I was afraid that no one would believe me, or think that I was drunk and exaggerated it. Then on the complete opposite end-what if the police did believe me, and it went as far as an arrest and a trial-and then I had to testify in front of him and my family and our mutual friends would be called up....inevitably some would side with him and some would side with me. Neither result seemed particularly desirable to me.
Anyway, now that the background information is over with, I'll get back to the point. I was reading my local newspaper and came across an article about the police department offering these Rape Aggression Defense classes for FREE! So, I went online and searched "Women's Self-Defense Class" in my area, and sure enough the most highly rated one that kept coming up was the RAD class. There were some others, but they weren't all free and didn't have as great reviews. So, I asked a friend of mine if she wanted to do it with me, she said she would, and I registered us both.
Well, even though the classes are extremely long (Four hours for three days), they were really awesome. I learned so much, and a lot of safety measures that I never even would have thought of. The first day was not hands on, it was basically a 4-hour power-point presentation, but with a very good instructor who didn't just read the slides, and demonstrated a few things, and had a lot of stories of past cases to drive the points home. The second day was really cool, we got to be much more physically active and were taught a bunch of amazing resistance, defense, and aversion moves if ever attacked from just about every angle/position imaginable. It was a lot to take in, but so empowering to know that you don't have to be a 6-foot Amazon Women to have a chance in hell at escaping!
Here's comes the bad part. Well, not bad-just disappointing, I suppose. The third day is what they call "Fight Night," and it is supposedly the best part and most useful. It is basically where you get to use everything you learned the previous two days, where you enter a room not knowing what is about to happen, and certified RAD instructors who you haven't met before surprise attack you in a variety of scenarios, forcing you to remember what moves to use in those situations. I was really excited about it, but also extremely nervous. What happened was, at the end of the second day, we had finished a little ahead of schedule and had about a half hour left, so the instructors decided to teach us some "advanced" moves that required them to sort of "fake attack" you in order for you to use them, and one the the moves involved what to do when you are being dragged by your legs.
When I was attacked, I was dragged by my hair to a room where the door was then locked and I wasn't allowed to leave. So, even though this move wasn't exactly the same, something about the sensation and feeling of being dragged away triggered a flashback. I was near tears and had to leave the room. After everyone else had gone and the class was dismissed, I asked to speak to one of the instructors and explained that I had been sexually assaulted in the past, and that I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been working on trauma issues in therapy, but that I was extremely nervous about "Fight Night," based on what had just happened.
She told me not to worry, that it was completely understandable, and that they would let me go first with no one else in the room, so that if I had to stop for any reason, the rest of the class wouldn't know. That made me feel a little better, but that night (Thursday) I had nothing but skin-crawling, bone-chilling nightmares all night...the kind I haven't had in years. And I know that I shouldn't have let it effect me the way that it did, but I ended up no-showing to Fight Night.
Now, I feel so awful about it. I can't believe that I let my fears from the past stop me from learning how to protect myself in the future! True, I got the information out of the first two days-but what good are all of those moves and tactics if I can't remember them in a high-stress situation? That's sort of the point of Fight Night-making you recall information when you are caught unaware. I called the police department today and found out that they are holding the classes again at the end of July...which will be about a week or so before I move, anyway. I e-mailed the main RAD instructor I had and made up some excuse about yesterday, and asked if I could come again in July. Hopefully, I don't let my past ghosts get the best of me next time. But, all that being said, I think that anyone who ever has the opportunity to take either an official RAD class or any Self-Defense class for women-PLEASE DO IT! There are RAD classes offered in the US, Canada, the UK, South Korea, and Switzerland. Here's a link to their website: RAD Systems: Program Locator. If it helps even one woman avert an assault or battery, its done its job.
I think I'll let that be the final word on my RAD class. I'll be spending the rest of the day finishing making my friend's Wedding Guest Book. She wanted a guest book that people could sign, but also wants to make a "Wedding Scrapbook" after the wedding, where she can put people's messages in it by their pictures. So, she didn't want to buy an expensive, fancy guest book because she plans on tearing the pages out and using it in the scrapbook. But she also didn't want something cheap-looking or trashy, like just throwing a memo pad on the table with a pen, lol. She was stressing over it, so I offered to make one for her-because I love craft projects like that. I'm going to finish it today so that I can take pictures of it and send them to her to make sure she likes it, while I still have time to change anything in the next week. I'll post pictures here of it when its done-I'm rather proud of it, if I do say so myself. =)
Nothing regarding my diet/exercise/weight has really changed since yesterday-I've decided not to weigh myself until Monday morning, so that I won't freak out over little fraction of a lb changes and just WORK MY ASS OFF! Then, if I'm a little short of my goal in the morning, I can work all day and still have a last shot for night time.
Also, I realized that a lot of readers and bloggers are in the UK (Thanks, "Because I Love Who I Can Become!"), so as soon as I'm through with this post I'm going to go through my stats and do metric conversions and UK sizes for all of them. I know that we Americans are the only ones not on the boat with the Metric system, lol-so that must be frustrating. To be remedied shortly =)
What I kind of want to post about today is about the RAD class I took. I don't know if I've ever brought this up in a post before...pretty sure that I haven't, but I was sexually assaulted about 5 years ago. I never really got counseling or treatment for it until very recently, and I still get nightmares and flashbacks sometimes of it happening. Ever since, I've had this idea that men can do whatever they want and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm no match for their size or strength, which really scares me-because nothing I did stopped it last time. It is quite a reality check-I always used to see on television and in movies, women would escape in the nick of time with a kick to the groin or something like that-but it wasn't that easy.
Well, overall I'm fine now...I still think about it sometimes before I fall asleep at night, but it doesn't hinder or interfere with my every day life anymore. In the beginning, I couldn't leave my apartment for weeks. Then, when I had sort of recovered a bit and had gained back a semblance of normalcy, I saw him in a mall food court after 3 1/2 years. That was rough-it was really terrifying thinking things like "What if he saw me?" "Does he know where I live now?" "Has he been in town this whole time or did he just come back?" etc, etc. For various reasons that I won't go entirely into, I never reported the attack or pressed charges. It was a textbook case of a combination of 1. alcohol and drugs being involved, 2. blaming myself, and 3. that he was not a stranger but rather a friend of a friend. All of these factors made me too scared to report anything to the police. I was afraid that no one would believe me, or think that I was drunk and exaggerated it. Then on the complete opposite end-what if the police did believe me, and it went as far as an arrest and a trial-and then I had to testify in front of him and my family and our mutual friends would be called up....inevitably some would side with him and some would side with me. Neither result seemed particularly desirable to me.
Anyway, now that the background information is over with, I'll get back to the point. I was reading my local newspaper and came across an article about the police department offering these Rape Aggression Defense classes for FREE! So, I went online and searched "Women's Self-Defense Class" in my area, and sure enough the most highly rated one that kept coming up was the RAD class. There were some others, but they weren't all free and didn't have as great reviews. So, I asked a friend of mine if she wanted to do it with me, she said she would, and I registered us both.
Well, even though the classes are extremely long (Four hours for three days), they were really awesome. I learned so much, and a lot of safety measures that I never even would have thought of. The first day was not hands on, it was basically a 4-hour power-point presentation, but with a very good instructor who didn't just read the slides, and demonstrated a few things, and had a lot of stories of past cases to drive the points home. The second day was really cool, we got to be much more physically active and were taught a bunch of amazing resistance, defense, and aversion moves if ever attacked from just about every angle/position imaginable. It was a lot to take in, but so empowering to know that you don't have to be a 6-foot Amazon Women to have a chance in hell at escaping!
Here's comes the bad part. Well, not bad-just disappointing, I suppose. The third day is what they call "Fight Night," and it is supposedly the best part and most useful. It is basically where you get to use everything you learned the previous two days, where you enter a room not knowing what is about to happen, and certified RAD instructors who you haven't met before surprise attack you in a variety of scenarios, forcing you to remember what moves to use in those situations. I was really excited about it, but also extremely nervous. What happened was, at the end of the second day, we had finished a little ahead of schedule and had about a half hour left, so the instructors decided to teach us some "advanced" moves that required them to sort of "fake attack" you in order for you to use them, and one the the moves involved what to do when you are being dragged by your legs.
When I was attacked, I was dragged by my hair to a room where the door was then locked and I wasn't allowed to leave. So, even though this move wasn't exactly the same, something about the sensation and feeling of being dragged away triggered a flashback. I was near tears and had to leave the room. After everyone else had gone and the class was dismissed, I asked to speak to one of the instructors and explained that I had been sexually assaulted in the past, and that I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been working on trauma issues in therapy, but that I was extremely nervous about "Fight Night," based on what had just happened.
She told me not to worry, that it was completely understandable, and that they would let me go first with no one else in the room, so that if I had to stop for any reason, the rest of the class wouldn't know. That made me feel a little better, but that night (Thursday) I had nothing but skin-crawling, bone-chilling nightmares all night...the kind I haven't had in years. And I know that I shouldn't have let it effect me the way that it did, but I ended up no-showing to Fight Night.
Now, I feel so awful about it. I can't believe that I let my fears from the past stop me from learning how to protect myself in the future! True, I got the information out of the first two days-but what good are all of those moves and tactics if I can't remember them in a high-stress situation? That's sort of the point of Fight Night-making you recall information when you are caught unaware. I called the police department today and found out that they are holding the classes again at the end of July...which will be about a week or so before I move, anyway. I e-mailed the main RAD instructor I had and made up some excuse about yesterday, and asked if I could come again in July. Hopefully, I don't let my past ghosts get the best of me next time. But, all that being said, I think that anyone who ever has the opportunity to take either an official RAD class or any Self-Defense class for women-PLEASE DO IT! There are RAD classes offered in the US, Canada, the UK, South Korea, and Switzerland. Here's a link to their website: RAD Systems: Program Locator. If it helps even one woman avert an assault or battery, its done its job.
I think I'll let that be the final word on my RAD class. I'll be spending the rest of the day finishing making my friend's Wedding Guest Book. She wanted a guest book that people could sign, but also wants to make a "Wedding Scrapbook" after the wedding, where she can put people's messages in it by their pictures. So, she didn't want to buy an expensive, fancy guest book because she plans on tearing the pages out and using it in the scrapbook. But she also didn't want something cheap-looking or trashy, like just throwing a memo pad on the table with a pen, lol. She was stressing over it, so I offered to make one for her-because I love craft projects like that. I'm going to finish it today so that I can take pictures of it and send them to her to make sure she likes it, while I still have time to change anything in the next week. I'll post pictures here of it when its done-I'm rather proud of it, if I do say so myself. =)
"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
-Louisa May Alcott
LM
Friday, June 4, 2010
Whoopsy Daisy!
Why hello there!
I got back into town as planned Wednesday around 10am, and I walked into my apartment to find...that our electricity was turned off. This was QUITE perplexing to me, as before I left I had left a utilities check on the kitchen counter for my roommate to mail in. Well, apparently, she forgot. SOOOOOO I had to pay it immediately online, and they don't just "turn it back on" with the push of a button, they have to set up an appointment to come out to your place and physically turn it on.
Luckily, I had that Rape Aggression Defense class (henceforth to be referred to as RAD to keep me from typing that all out every time), so I was able to get out of the stifling heat and lack of internet and television from 1-5pm at least. Imagine my surprise when I came back, and it STILL wasn't back on! Ya. I had to sleep practically naked to tolerate how effing hot it was, and it finally got turned back on last night-thank god! So, now that I've had the opportunity to wake up NOT in a pool of sweat, have my breakfast, read the paper...I decided it was finally the perfect time to post-since I have power again, and all.
First things first: I can't stress enough how much your following and comments mean to me! Thank you so much! This post actually might get a little too long because I have so much to say that I kept saving or putting off for my "next post," not realizing that it would be like 3 days! I'll try my best to be mindful if it gets too ridonkulous, and maybe split it into two posts if I have to.
That being said, I have lots of glorious photographs for your enjoyment! Not to bring up all sorts of old news or anything, but I've been meaning to post some pictures from my birthday so that you can appreciate how ridiculously delicious my dinner was! Unfortunately, I didn't think to take pictures until AFTER we had devoured the Mushroom Crostinis, so they are absent. I got everything else though!
I got back into town as planned Wednesday around 10am, and I walked into my apartment to find...that our electricity was turned off. This was QUITE perplexing to me, as before I left I had left a utilities check on the kitchen counter for my roommate to mail in. Well, apparently, she forgot. SOOOOOO I had to pay it immediately online, and they don't just "turn it back on" with the push of a button, they have to set up an appointment to come out to your place and physically turn it on.
Luckily, I had that Rape Aggression Defense class (henceforth to be referred to as RAD to keep me from typing that all out every time), so I was able to get out of the stifling heat and lack of internet and television from 1-5pm at least. Imagine my surprise when I came back, and it STILL wasn't back on! Ya. I had to sleep practically naked to tolerate how effing hot it was, and it finally got turned back on last night-thank god! So, now that I've had the opportunity to wake up NOT in a pool of sweat, have my breakfast, read the paper...I decided it was finally the perfect time to post-since I have power again, and all.
First things first: I can't stress enough how much your following and comments mean to me! Thank you so much! This post actually might get a little too long because I have so much to say that I kept saving or putting off for my "next post," not realizing that it would be like 3 days! I'll try my best to be mindful if it gets too ridonkulous, and maybe split it into two posts if I have to.
That being said, I have lots of glorious photographs for your enjoyment! Not to bring up all sorts of old news or anything, but I've been meaning to post some pictures from my birthday so that you can appreciate how ridiculously delicious my dinner was! Unfortunately, I didn't think to take pictures until AFTER we had devoured the Mushroom Crostinis, so they are absent. I got everything else though!
Caprese Salad
Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce
I also took pictures of my friends' meals, because they looked SO good even though I don't eat meat.
This would be Veal Milanese (veal scaloppini breaded and pan-fried, topped with marinated tomatos and fresh greens)
Lobster Ravioli in Fontina Cream Sauce
And of course...The Cake! Double Chocolate Layer Cake, to be exact.
So, ya-that was my birthday dinner! I know it's kind of silly to post the pictures now, but ever since I left my parents' place on Tuesday, I've been back to some extreme restriction in the hopes of reaching my goal of 101lbs by Monday, in spite of having missed last Monday's 103lbs. And when I'm fasting or doing intense restriction, obviously all I think about is delicious food! So in a weird way looking at the pictures from that dinner lets me remember how good it tasted, and then I sort of feel like I ate it again! It might be crazy, but its stopped me from bingeing TWICE now, so I'll take it.
Speaking of Monday's goal...I'm once again switching up my plan a bit, but not much. Basically, instead of complete fasting and not eating anything from Tuesday to Monday while exercising like I did for the three days that I went from 110.2 to 104.6, I'm allowing myself 125 cal per day in the form of 2 Fiber Supplements (15cal together) and a 1/2 cup of Fiber One ORIGINAL Bran Cereal (60cal) with 1 Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal). So, with just chewing two supplements and having a small 110cal breakfast in the morning, I'm getting 93% of my daily value of fiber. I eat the cereal and yogurt about a half hour after waking up, and then I take the supplements at lunch time. Since they are in gummy-form, they are actually kind of good so I like pretending that they are a meal, lol. The rest of the day I just drink water or green tea, 1/2 cup every half hour or so, alternating between the two.
The "rationale" behind this approach (I put it in quotation marks because...let's be real, nothing we do is really "rational") is that I'm kind of obsessed with Tanya Zuckerbrot, and I watch all of her Youtube videos, and try to catch her whenever I know she's going to be on TV. For anyone wondering who the hell she is, she is this celebrity dietician who wrote "The F-Factor Diet" and also started the website Skinny in the City, which I am also totally obsessed with. Basically the idea is to have a diet rich in fiber, because fiber is undigestible but very filling. So when you eat fiber, it fills you up and moves right through you, aiding in more regular bowel movements and helping you lose weight. Well, obviously, she does not endorse disordered eating and I've taken her basic premise to the extreme-but ya, that's what I'm doing right now. I decided to try it after being incredibly frustrated by the fact that even though you can lose weight very quickly by fasting and exercising, it also screws with my digestive system, and I end up constipated, bloated, and retaining water...which makes me feel disgusting. I figured, there has to be a way to eat very little but do something to help with those side effects. It's only been yesterday and today so far (Tues and Wed I just fasted), but I definitely feel better than I usually do when I'm just straight-up not eating anything. I guess we'll see how well it really worked on Monday!
In other news, I know I briefly mentioned in another post that I had been dress shopping for the Antigua wedding that is FAST approaching (like, holy shit its in less than two weeks fast!!!), but still hadn't found anything. Well...I did something kind of bad. Actually, it might be really good...but it could also be very bad. After my last dress shopping rampage at the the mall, I tried on at LEAST 30 dresses, and I was consistently a size 2 every time, which on the one hand felt really incredible, but weird at the same time because I don't feel like a size 2, I feel like a size 10. Well, I've always had it in my head that a size 0 is the perfect size. I remember when I was overweight in high school, and I would go through the racks of clothes I couldn't fit in, and I would look at the size 0s as if they were these mythological, fantastical creations. And I would think "Who on EARTH could fit into these?!?!" Then, I would overhear the pretty, popular girls at school talking about shopping, etc. and discover that THEY were all size 0s and 2s. Well, for the first time in my life, I'm a size 2. And yet, I'm still not happy. I don't feel as thought the size is translating to my weight, or the shape of my body.
Anyway, I'll stop the rambling. This is what I did: I bought this Nanette Lepore dress for the wedding...in a size 0. I've always wanted a Nanette Lepore dress, ever since I saw an amazing one on the Tyra Banks show in one of their "Makeover" episodes (I know, I'm a loser). Well, the store had it in a size 2 and a size 0...and I could have gotten the 2. But I had this tunnel vision moment, and I thought that if I bought it in a 0, it would give me even more motivation to lose weight and fit into it for the wedding! I thought, this is non-refundable, and non-returnable...(it was on sale)if I do this, I HAVE TO WEAR IT! So I made myself get it in a 0, and now that is what is pushing me through. Whenever I'm about to binge or am too tired to exercise, I look at the dress and tell myself "You are SO close! Don't fuck it all up now!!" Seriously, though-how freaking adorable is this dress? Normally I would think it was too casual for a wedding, but it is a beach wedding and my friend showed me pictures of the wedding dress she is going to wear...let's just say I have nothing to worry about. Other than fitting into it, that is! Another part of my reasoning was that, in addition to providing the motivation to GET into the dress, it would also provide me with the motivation to not go crazy and splurge once I get to Antigua, because I'll be there two days before the wedding, so I'll still have to fit into it the day of. I know, I'm crazy. But determined.
And on that note, I'm going to free anyone who is still reading from the clutches of my tangents! I did want to write a little bit about my RAD class, but I'll save it for after tonight, which is the final class. Stay strong, everyone!
LM
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
En Route Update
Hola!
Just dropping a quick line to say today I'll be travelling all day and probably won't be able to post until either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depending on how late I end up getting in. I'm signed up for this super-cool 3-day long Rape Agression Defense class at my local Police Department, that is from 1-5 Wed, Thurs, and Fri. I'm really excited about it-but that will take up 4 hours in the middle of the day-so if I don't get a chance to post tonight, it probably won't be until after the class tomorrow! But I have lots of pics and cool stuff to post, that I am anxiously awaiting the free time for! Ciao!
LM
Just dropping a quick line to say today I'll be travelling all day and probably won't be able to post until either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depending on how late I end up getting in. I'm signed up for this super-cool 3-day long Rape Agression Defense class at my local Police Department, that is from 1-5 Wed, Thurs, and Fri. I'm really excited about it-but that will take up 4 hours in the middle of the day-so if I don't get a chance to post tonight, it probably won't be until after the class tomorrow! But I have lots of pics and cool stuff to post, that I am anxiously awaiting the free time for! Ciao!
LM
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