A Bunch of Pics for Now

Hey guys!
   I've been taking it upon myself to embark on various home improvement projects while I'm gainfully unemployed, so that I don't feel quite as useless. The other day I re-organized the kitchen by taking everything out of every cabinet, scrubbing the cabinets clean, throwing out everything that was expired (my mother SERIOUSLY had 3 cans of YAMS that expired in...wait for it...1997), putting everything back in a way that actually makes sense (i.e., coffee/tea cabinet, spices shelf, pasta/rice shelf, etc.). It took all day but I was pretty proud of myself and the kitchen looks like a million times cleaner and nicer because I threw out so much that it made room for stuff that was just cluttering on the counter.
  Anyway, the next project was for me to re-paint my room (nothing crazy, just white-it's just that the old coat was so old it hadn't been done since my 13th birthday, so it was like dirty and not even white anymore) and drilling hooks into the back of my door. I know I was suppose to post some recipes and a bunch of my workout/fitness info, but a lot of my stuff I packed up and moved into my Dad's office while i've been painting so nothing got ruined. But, the good news is that I finished today, so I'll be moving the stuff back into my room tomorrow and will be sure to post then. For now though, I do have some pics already on my lap-top and some of my little project that I just thought I'd post until I can get out the knitty-gritty stuff tomorrow.

OK so this is basically how I was storing my purses before. Sadly, this is not even a 1/4 of them. I have a problem. So, this is what I came up with:

 Which, I must say, was not as easy as it looks. Those six little hooks took me about 3 hours to get drilled into the door in the right spots, measured evenly. In fact, I originally tried to do it by hand with a screwdriver...which was definitely not happening. So I got to take a trip to the Home Depot and buy my very own adorable little power drill:

 I'm very proud of her. She made the job much easier. Close up of the handiwork:

 Oh yeah, baby! So here's how the purse situation is now:

Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. Of course, each of the big purses have like 6 little purses inside of them, or else the 6 hooks would never work. But I think it's better than the floor, where I could hardly walk.

So now for some body shots. These are a little different than how I usually do them, and I apologize for the really weird lighting effect. I was trying to to full-body, so instead of using the bathroom where the mirror only comes up to my hips, I used the wall mirrors in the kitchen, but we have this huge sliding glass door there where the natural light comes in and it made it kind of difficult with the shadows and stuff. But the idea is to show that even though I'm pretty much the same weight, I've noticed a difference in my muscle tone from the changes I've made that I wanted to show you.

 

Full Body Shot, Front

Starting to see some more definition in my abs/stomach

 

Full Body, Side

I've noticed less dimpling/cellulite in my thighs

Calf 

My legs are where I've noticed the biggest difference. I've never been able to see my calf muscle like this before. 

So here I took a close up of my stomach so you could see that I'm starting to get a little bit of definition in the ab area, although it's kinda freaking me out that it looks like its only on one side, lol. I'll be like that weird guy from "Lady in the Water." 

Here's a close up of my arms, which are the part of my body that I absolutely hate the most. They are way too big, so I am trying so hard to tone them up. But even after only a short time I'm starting to see a difference. I can actually see where the muscle is now instead of nothing but flab, but definitely needs a ton more work. 

 I know this one is a little weird, but all I'm trying to show here is how much my upper thighs have smoothed out. Unfortunately they haven't gotten significantly smaller or anything yet or crazy toned like I hope they will eventually, but I usually have such bad dimpling, cellulite, and stretch marks there. I mean, they arent gone or anything, but they have become a lot less noticeable.

 

And of course the normal collar bone shot. I think it looks exactly the same, which is ok with me-as long as it doesn't get WORSE, right? 

OK, I'm off now. I'm meeting a friend for coffee in the morning at Starbucks, so I'll be sure to bring my laptop, camera cord, and my recipe journal so that when she leaves I can put up the info I promised.

LM

As promised

  Well, I promised that I would take the time today to update on what's been going on with me, I guess both diet/weight wise and my life in general. I am fully capable of writing a 700 pg doctoral dissertation on this, but will try to contain myself. That is the worst about not posting in a while-we all know that I'm already a little wordy and talkative as it is, so keeping posts to a reasonable length after an absence is like about 1000x harder than normally for me!
   If I actually went into every detail, I'd be typing here for the next few days. The super-duper-condensed-could-fit-inside-a-FB status-version is this: Stopped taking my meds after moving ->didn't get the job at the law office -> had depressive episode -> did nothing but sleep, cry, and binge/purge every day for about 2 weeks -> finally snapped out of it enough to get some shit together and go on 2 more interviews -> didn't get either of them -> OUCH -> my crazy ex-girlfriend who used to stalk me before I moved and duct-tape letters to my front door, drove 5 hours to where I am now and begged me to see her -> did not even respond, ignored her calls and texts b/c I knew nothing good could come from seeing her -> 1 week later she texted me that she "started purging to understand me better" and that I ruined her life -> told her she needed serious psychiatric help and to never contact me again -> my dad got sick with the flu and pink eye and I spent about 4 days taking care of him and disinfecting everything in the house -> had falling out with my 2 best friends and haven't spoken to either of them since -> still unemployed and running on empty -> only thing that keeps me going is working out right now. WHEW. So, maybe it wouldn't QUITE fit in a FB status, but I think that was a pretty admirable job, knowing me.
   Sorry if it was pretty Debbie-downer-esque, but that's just what's really been going on. Haven't had any good news in a long time, and it seemed like every time I thought "OK, I can't take this shit anymore..." THAT is precisely when something else happened and it got worse. I've been feeling so alone and stressed and miserable and useless. I guess it's not fair to say that ONLY working out is keeping me going right now, to be most accurate it's probably more like working out and my therapy appointments. The only thing that could be called a ray of light since my last post is that I have found a new therapist down here, I really like him, and he's pretty awesome (aside from a tad too many questions about my mother, but I can live with that). Since I'm still out of work we've been meeting on Mondays between 12 and 1pm, but if I EVER find a job, I'm not sure what we'll have to do. Not thinking about that right now.
   To keep myself busy I've basically been cleaning and re-organizing the whole house. It's times like these that my OCD really comes in handy. My parents' told me their kitchen hasn't been so clean and orderly in at least 15 years. BOOM! I also quit smoking (cigarettes, not weed-let's not get carried away here), which has been both good and bad. Obviously, it's good in terms of health benefits and saving money, and I genuinely have seen a marked improvement in my running stamina. But, of course, it's been bad in terms of just being something else stressing me out and one less outlet/release that I have. It's been approximately a week and a half since my last cigarette...which isn't exactly anything to write home about, but every day counts and it's getting a little easier.
   There's also been a lot of changes in the diet/fitness/weight arena. Last I posted I was at 104lbs, and since then I got all the way up to 112 briefly and am currently back down to 103lbs. I've changed my diet and exercise plan entirely from the one I was following before. The thing was, it was working really well for a while, I dropped lbs very quickly while following it-but I was gaining weight even easier if I went off it even slightly. Also, it seemed like no matter how much cardio I was doing and how many calories the machine SAID I burned, I just sort of hit a plateau with my body. I absolutely could not get below 104lbs, and sometimes I'd gain 5lbs in one day from having 1 glass of wine or 200 extra calories. And, I know that when you have significant weight gains like that in such a short amount of time that it isn't REAL weight, it's just bloating/water weight/constipation/etc, but it's still really mentally trying when you kill yourself every day at the gym to see a certain number, then 1 time out of 5 times you decide "OK, one glass of wine with dinner won't hurt, I've been doing so well this week..." and you wake up the next morning and see the past week of work virtually ERASED on the scale. Nothing more upsetting to me than that!
   So, I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong and went about stalking the health and fitness section at Barnes and Noble every day, as well as talking to some of my friends who are really into working out, including one who is a personal trainer. The overall consensus seems to be that you can't have sustained weight loss with such a low calorie diet, which is really difficult for someone with an eating disorder to wrap their heads around. Also, when you only do cardio on top of the calorie-restricted diet, then you are losing muscle mass instead of fat, which is what you want to lose. Everyone I spoke to, including the authors of the books I read (they spoke to me in my head), advised increasing my calories to about 1,600-1,800 per day, adding weight training and strength training circuits to my workouts, and alternating days between cardio and muscle building. It was also recommended that I try taking some creatine supplements for faster muscle growth and work-out enhancers for extra energy and fat-burning.
    None of this was very appealing to me, I absolutely could not comprehend eating that many calories per day and not ballooning to 300lbs within a month. These suggestions seemed to go against everything I stood for, and everything I worked so hard to overcome. But the reality was that what I was currently doing wasn't working anymore, and the common denominator in my life since developing an eating disorder has always been that the second I changed anything, it equalled weight gain. I have always fantasized about getting to a goal weight and just STAYING there, instead of yo-yoing back and forth, which is basically what my life is: a constant cycle of gaining and losing, bingeing and purging, with my happiness and self-worth entirely dependent on the number on the scale.
   So, I integrated the changes by gradually increasing my calories over about 2 weeks, venturing into the weight lifting/strength training machines section of my gym for the very FIRST time, learning what machines I liked best, researching which areas I should be targeting, taking Creatine supplements, adding more protein and HEALTHY fats (monounsaturated) to my diet, adding foods that boost HGH, testosterone, and progesterone production (all are important for burning fat, building muscle, increasing energy). It's been really, really hard. Ironically, I've found that eating and working out like this is actually at least TWICE as hard as the way I was eating and exercising before. Here I was thinking that it took all the willpower in the world to live on 300cals a day, but for someone who has had disordered eating for as long as I have, it was INCREASING the calories WITHOUT purging that has probably been the most difficult thing I've done in an extremely long time.
   The first week was the worst, because I could feel myself gaining weight immediately. I had been warned that this would happen initially because my body was used to living on so much less, that it would store the extra calories for a while because it wouldn't know what to do with them. Everyone told me not to get on the scale until my body had a chance to re-calibrate and my metabolism could catch up. But, of course, that was impossible for me. When I got on the scale and it showed 112lbs, and the last I had been on it I was 105lbs...I almost had a complete nervous breakdown. It took every ounce of strength in me not to immediately purge whatever was in my stomach, do about 3 enemas, drink some laxative tea, and fast for the next three days.  Even now, I still don't know how I calmed down, but somehow I was able to tell myself that I was warned this would happen, that I shouldn't have weighed myself, that it's not real fat weight, that I was also building muscle, etc. I talked myself off of that ledge, and then basically lived in sweatpants, sweatshirts, pajamas, and moo-moo dresses for the next week to avoid any tangible reminders.
    But the crazy thing is that, it really did eventually start to work just like everyone said it would. I started dropping pounds again while still eating a normal amount of calories. Now, I've been following this program for about 2 1/2 weeks, and despite the first crazy insane gain, I'm now back down to 103, which I never in a MILLION years would have said was possible eating the amount I am right now. Also, I'm not just down, but I feel stronger and like I am very slowly starting to get some definition in my muscles. I don't exactly have Madonna arms or a Rhianna stomach yet, but for the first time I can actually envision it in the realm of possibility. I spend a minimum of two hours in the gym every single day, alternating between cardio, leg, arm, ab, and back workouts. I haven't purged since September 8th, so 8 days now...which is the longest I've ever gone without purging in about 4 years. Even when I was in a treatment center or psych ward, I still managed to sneak around enough to purge when I wanted to. I was in-patient for almost 3 months, and basically purged the whole time I was there without them knowing. So this is pretty monumental for me. My therapist thinks that I've just transferred my bulimic tendencies from SIV to over-exercising. This may be true, but I seriously feel the best (about my body, not my life) I've felt in a long time.
   OK, I have to get back to the real world and start making dinner if I'm going to make it to the gym by 6:30 so that I can go out tonight with a friend by 9:30. Tomorrow I'll post some pics and also some recipes and more information that I've learned/stolen from some books. Seriously, I went into Barnes and Noble every day for a week and took about 4 books per day to a little unoccupied aisle where no one could see me, and then I unscrupulously and unapologetically sat on the floor and took pictures of the pages with the best information with my iPhone so that I didn't actually have to spend the money on buying any of the books. Unethical? Perhaps. But you gotta do what you gotta do in this economy! Tomorrow I'll break down what foods contain the highest amounts of certain hormones and nutrients, what they do for you, how many grams are recommended per day, some metabolism/BMR info, how to increase them, and the muscle-to-fat burning ratio. Some of the info has really helped me re-imagine how my body works and understand certain processes better. Alright, ciao for now!

LM

Before Bed

   I just took my trazodone, so this post is guaranteed to be short or abruptly end when I fall over. I was just laying in bed thinking about the current state of my life, and how various circumstances have kept me from updating for the past month-ish, and about how stressed and lonely I've been when I heard my iPhone make the "you have a new e-mail" noise. I wasn't going to read it right now, but something told me to just look at it. I did, and it was a notification that someone had commented on my last post, so I went and read it and decided to muster the energy and strength to write a post.
   Since I usually post my progress updates on Monday nights, every single Monday that has gone by since my last post I've thought "Shit, I missed it today-I'll do it next Monday!" And then the next Monday comes, and so on and so one and it's the same old story. I'm obviously not going to go into everything right now, because I'm already starting to fall asleep, but I wanted to thank whoever the Anonymous poster is who commented and encouraged me to keep writing, because with how hectic and stressful everything has been since my move with job-hunting and my new therapist and some friends and family drama, I definitely let my writing fall to the sidelines-and it's not cool because this is often the only outlet I have aside from my therapist, and even there I'm not as candid and honest as I am here.
   So I figured I owed it to anyone who is still reading or who has just found my blog to get back on the wagon, so to speak. I am still alive, and I absolutely promise to schedule in an hour block on time during the day tomorrow to give a more thorough update and upload some pics (yes, I have still been taking them-just not posting them). Thank you again, I've really missed the community! Good night.

LM

Never thought I'd be this happy to be at home!

   It's been about 4 days back home living with my parents now, ever since The Great Moving Debacle of 2010 ended. As bad/difficult a time I was having before I left, that whole experience put some stuff in perspective. My parents can be insane and impossible at times-but so can I! And at least they love me, and are giving me a place to stay while I figure my shit out, and have given up their whole house practically to become a giant storage unit for all of my stuff-not to mention they buy groceries and DON'T STEAL FROM ME!
   Don't get me wrong, we still have our issues-but I think all families do. Granted, I do think ours can be significantly more abnormal than most, but there have got to be families that are worse, too! It is still a little rough while I'm job searching at the same time my mom is job searching, but setting up the wireless router has really helped with the sharing the one computer issue. My laptop is SO much better and faster, and I can just bring it anywhere in the house that my parents are not located, lol.
   I think I mentioned before that I had a really solid, good interview at a great law firm about a week ago. I got called today to schedule the second and final interview, so it's now set for August 12th at 1:00PM. Now I just have to brush up on my typing and Quickbooks skillz. I'm not too worried about that, though-I'm more worried that one of the other candidates will just have more/better experience that I can't really compete with. But whatever-I made it there, too, right? Obviously they like something about me.
   In the meantime I've been unpacking, exercising, searching for a new therapist, and battling evil fucking insurance companies. Just a day in the life. The unpacking is going really slowly-I just have so much stuff I don't know where to start! I'm def going to eBay or Craigslist my treadmill though, at least that could make me like a few hundred bucks  to keep me going until I'm employed again. Since I joined the gym nearby, don't really need a personal treadmill anymore. I'm also going to be an extra in some random club scene being shot for some commercial...I know, it sounds pretty desperate/lame-but they are paying the extras $200 cash just to smile and look cute in the background. I'll take that ANY day. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to make that money, honey.
   I haven't binged/purged in two days now, and I'm trying really hard to stay disciplined and just stick to my meal plan. When I don't eat too much, then I don't have to purge...it's just so much easier said than done. So far today I've had 3 small meals adding up to about 250 cals so far...but I'm going to the gym at 9pm, and I'm going to eat another 80cal before I go to give me some energy, and then I usually have 1/2cup of egg whites when I get back from the gym for the protein, which is another 50cal. So all in all I'll have done around 380-400 today, probably more like 425 if you include the fiber supplements. I'm happy with that-every time I go to the gym I do at least 450cal on the treadmill-more if I can handle it. Last night I stopped at exactly 450 because I was in a rush to get home for Real Housewives of NJ (I know, it's a guilty pleasure)-but the night before I stayed on for 565cals, which I was really proud of. When I'm done with cardio, I always sit in the sauna for 10-15 minutes. I might just be nuts, but I feel like I burn a little more with all that heat and sweating-and it feels really refreshing when you finish.
   There is this little Italian place across the street that my parents really like, and on Mondays and Tuesdays they have a special on Large One-Topping Pizzas for only $5...so unfortunately, every Tuesday without fail, my father brings home a giant cheese pizza. I went downstairs into the kitchen for my last meal around 5:45pm (baby carrots with fat free ranch) and saw the PIZZA and almost fainted. I wanted to eat the ENTIRE PIE sooooooooo badly!!!! I just stood over it, smelling it, breathing in the cheese and the crust for about 5 minutes. Then I pretty much had to pinch myself, close the box, and sit down and eat my carrots. Sometimes eating something healthy can stop me from bingeing, because in my crazy head I think "well if I binge and purge now, I'll also end up purging the carrots, and those are good..." It stopped me this time...but there is still half a pizza in the fridge. I'm really hoping I don't succumb to a midnight binge later...
   OK well I gotta wrap this up if I want to leave for the gym by 9-after going to 4 therapists in the area, I finally found one that I REALLY love...and surprise, surprise--he's the only one my insurance denied. I'm so fed up with calling and arguing with them! Sometimes I genuinely believe that insurance companies and people who work there are pure, unadulterated evil. I've yet to speak with a single person that has shown any sign of possessing human-like qualities such as listening, understanding, or problem-solving. I mean, I know it must suck to work for insurance...but c'mon-they don't all have to be such condescending douchebags. Anyway, if I have to go to one more therapist's office and start completely over again one more time, I'm going to pull my hair out and have a nervous breakdown...and I seriously doubt that I'll find someone better than the doctor I finally settled on. So, despite HAVING mental health insurance that is only a $25 copay for the offices in the network....I'll be paying out of pocket the private rate to stay with this guy. We'll see how this turns out. I agreed to it under the assumption that I'm going to get this job and be working again full time in the next couple weeks and will be able to afford the private rate. If I do not get the job...then I'll have to discontinue sessions until I get another one.
   Alright-I'm off to eat a quick snack and then walk to the gym. Don't worry-I carry mace when I walk alone at night. I'm sure you were definitely concerned about that, lol. Until tomorrow ~

LM

Peek-chores

   Now that Real Housewives of NJ is over, I got out my camera from the "electronics" box and took some pics. Still at 104lbs as of...about 20 minutes ago...hopefully that will steadily go down the rest of the week. I've been being so good, sticking to my 50cal meals spread out throughout the day. Like I said, I didn't step foot in a gym while I was away, but since I've been back I've gone each night (making that...two whole nights now) and burned about 600cal last night, and 500cal tonight. It feels good to be back in the gym, so hopefully that will start to show some results.
   After that ridonkulous long post earlier, I'll just keep the rest to the pics for now. I'll save my new therapist search and the EVIL insurance company talk for another time. I've missed the internet and this community SO MUCH! I can't wait to stay up late reading what's been going on with everyone else!

Amen.

This is my favorite bathing suit. Haven't put it on in a while.

LOL I look really tan but its just an optical (bad lighting) illusion. I wish I were this tan!

The collar bone zone...I think I can see a little bit of a difference.

The Juicy bathing suit test. Still not quite right..actually it looks exactly the same to me.

Juicy FAIL from the side.

That's a WRAP. Goodnight!

LM

Where, Oh Where Could You Be?

   Where indeed. I've actually been going through possibly the worst, most disastrous move in the history of Florida for the past 20ish days. I've had to retell the story about a gazillion times now, and even typed the whole thing out TWICE for complaint reports I had to file...so, I'm not going to get into the ENTIRE thing because it's exhausting EVERY TIME. Basically, I had been pretty much moved out and living at my parents house, but I knew I had to go back to my apartment one more time to get the last of my stuff before the 31st.
   Well, I think I mentioned in an older post that I was having a really hard time adjusting to being back home, pretty miserable time, actually. So, since I had until the 31st on the lease, I decided to just get out of dodge for about 10 days, take my time packing my stuff, relax a little, have time to catch up on some work-related things, and see some friends before moving 5 hours away. Sounds simple enough. When I got there, I found that my roommate had already moved out-despite having told me she would be there until the 30th.
   To my surprise, I also found that she had taken a number of my belongings with her. What belongings? My modem and wireless router were the first things I noticed, as I needed the internet and couldn't get on for some strange reason...oh...my modem and router are gone. My DVD player was also gone, which I had graciously hooked up in the living room instead of my room so that she and her boyfriend could watch movies on the big screen, since she didn't have a DVD player. Interesting...so, I began looking for other things that weren't there. My wireless charger for my Wii Remotes, which her boyfriend had always made comments about being "so cool" and "better than buying batteries," was gone. Also gone was my wireless Wii Remote Sensor that was on top of the TV, which he had also always commented about preferring to his "old one with wires that got in the way." You get the idea. More and more things were missing, all of which I could have taken with me to hook up at my parents place and make my life easier while home-but which I had left JUST for her, so that she could still have wireless internet, watch movies, and play Wii while I was gone.
   What made it even better, was that there weren't just things MISSING. Oh, no-there were also things ADDED. When I had left, I had left maybe a car load of things that needs to be packed...what I returned to was an entire living room and bedroom FULL of crap that I had never seen before. Some of it was useful things...like a completely unopened Foreman grill still in the box, and brand new Crockpot still in the box, and some other random kitchen appliances and new-looking shelving and storage units...but the rest of it was just tons and tons of clothes (ugly ones at that) that weren't my size OR my roommates' size, a ton of maintenance-type things like tools, brooms, mops, nails, crates, and a bunch of broken or really old electronics (printers, ORIGINAL Gameboys, telephones that weren't cordless, etc.)
    It was NUTS. So of course I called the main office and the landlord, thinking maybe the stuff belonged to the new tenant that would be moving in when we left...nope. No one had any idea where the stuff came from. My roommates cell phone number is magically and suddenly disconnected, and she left no forwarding address. I mean...why would she? So now, my expensive and good electronics have been stolen and I am suddenly responsible for removing an entire apartment full of bullshit that isn't mine. The landlord said that it all had to be out, and that since I couldn't prove it wasn't mine, I had to get it all out or face losing my security deposit and additional fees for the apartment complex having to remove it all. So, ya...spent the last 16 days or so making about 3 10-hour drives, and making about 10 trips with FULL carloads to Goodwill, all of which was carried out without any internet access, because my modem and router had been stolen. Awesome.
   Anyway, I finally got everything except a shelving unit and some brooms out by the 31st-which I left in the utility closet as a donation to the next tenants or maintenance staff-whoever wanted it. It was awful, and not the relaxing break from my family I had imagined it would be. But, I am finally back, with internet access, and have replaced most of the items that were taken. Of course, being unemployed at the moment and hunting for a job has left me a little strapped for cash-so thank god for eBay, because I certainly couldn't have payed full retail price to replace that stuff. The Wii shit can wait till I'm working again-not a high priority. But I really needed the wireless router so that I can work on my Macbook and not my parents slow ass PC, so I got a new one of those and set it up yesterday. Pretty much everything I own is in boxes right now, and I'm living like a crazy person.
   Now that that ordeal is behind me, I'm trying to focus on the future and some positives. I had been worried that I would gain weight during the time I was gone, since it meant leaving my 24-hour gym-but as it turned out, all that stress and moving boxes day in and day out left me without much of an appetite, and I managed to get down to 104 again without ever stepping foot in a gym. So that was good. I also had a really great interview with a very good law firm that needs a legal secretary, during the interview I was told by the main Partner that he received over 500 applications, and that he selected only 10 to interview. Out of those 10, only 2 would be called back for a second interview, and obviously one of the two would be given the job. Well, I got called back for a second interview, which will be on August 12th or 13th-depending on his schedule. So, at least I have a 50/50 shot at this.
   During the second interview I think I have to do a typing test-so I'll be brushing up for the next week or two. I mean, my typing skills are fine-more than fine, actually-but I don't want to risk the other person being 10 words per minute faster than me or something and not getting the job because of that. But I'm pretty confident, overall. Just don't want to be overconfident or "put all my eggs in one basket," so to speak-so I'm still sending out resumes to other firms in the area, just in case I don't get this position. I really hope I do though-their pay is very good, plus they have health benefits, and both monthly and year-end bonuses-which really help. OK well it's about 1:45pm now, and I have to run to the library to pick up some Typing Practice CD-Roms and then to the gym before the late afternoon/evening shift starts (I hate the guy that works that shift-try to avoid him, lol). But just so you have an idea of how much STUFF I brought down, in addition to how much I already had...and how small and unequipped my parents' tiny little townhouse is for the volume of belongings I've acquired over the years...I took some pictures. I'll post my regular body and scale shots later tonight when I unpack my camera-but I had already uploaded these from my iPhone, so I thought they were kind of funny/sad.

Formerly the hallway when you first walk in the door to my parents' place

From the other angle.

Formerly part of my parents' den area...note the mystery crock pot that I decided to keep.

The other side of the den

Formerly my parents' living room.

Even took over the small nook behind my dad's recliner

The other corner of the living room.

Behind my parents' couch

My dad's recliner is currently where my bedding is residing. I had a queen size bed at my apartment, but one doesnt fit in my room here, so I'm using a twin and my lovely silk queen sized sheets are chillin on my dad's chair.

Just one of the 4 carloads it took. The entire back seat is packed as high as possible without blocking my back view.

The trunk. Every trip was like this.

Thank god I'm back!
LM

Had almost forgotten what accomplishing a GOAL felt like!

   Hey guys! I'm gunna keep this post short and sweet because its 1:00am and I have to wake up early to drop off my resume at a law office that is 45 minutes from here, first thing in the morning! The plan has been going really well overall, with a few exceptions in the form of binges. There was the one I already wrote about in my last post, and then I had another one late last night after sneaking out to the porch to smoke some Mary J. Wow, just typing that gave me high school flashbacks! And I KNOW that puffin on the sticky icky gives me munchies, and it is well documented that it often leads to binge episodes for me...but man does it calm me the fuck down! So, sometimes (like last night) after a rough day I weigh the pros and cons and still decide that I need some green in my system ASAP.
   Luckily, it was a much more responsible binge than the previously discussed one, and I basically ate a bowl of Fiber One cereal, 15-20 whole grain wheat thins with hummus, and a 20cal sugar-free fudgesicle with about a tablespoon of peanut butter (not disputing the weirdness of putting peanut butter on a fudgesicle). So, while I would have preferred that it didn't happen-all in all the whole binge was between 400-500cals, which is about the same amount as I've been burning on the treadmill every day, which has really been helping. In this instance, without the binge I would have been in the negative for the day (having burned more than I ate), and with it I about broke even, so it definitely eased the anxiety a bit.
   Enough introspection for now-let's cut to the chase. I am proud to report that, despite those two setbacks, between my exercising and diet plan I did indeed get down to my goal of 107lbs for today! Which is a relief, because I haven't been succeeding at much else lately. Still haven't completely unpacked my trunk, which has caused me to keep postponing driving back to my apartment, because the whole point is to fill up another carload of my stuff, which I can't do until I empty the car.
   OK, the pics are below. My apologies in advance for the gym shorts instead of underwear-I know it's harder to see my thighs and track progress in that area, but I'm still on my period so I figured you'd rather look at gym shorts than my pad lol.

So happy to see that number!

Front

Side

Collarbone

   I'm ALSO sorry that the pics are so grainy, the lighting in my Dad's bathroom is worse than in my Mom's, but I like it better because he doesn't have that annoying mauve-colored shower curtain in the background. So, I went for the better background and tried to brighten the exposure when I loaded the pics...very little success. A photographer I am not.

   I really have to try to go to bed now, even though I know it's going to be difficult because my mind is already racing with the amount of shit I have to do tomorrow. OH! That reminds me! Don't have time to go into it now, but since I'm really moving down here I began the process of finding a new therapist and psychiatrist, and I have a 1:00pm appointment tomorrow with one of the therapists I found on my insurance plan-so I'll be sure to let you know how that goes! Goodnight, my loves!

LM

It's 1:30am...do you know where your thoughts are?

   I think that today may have been the least productive day I've had in an extremely long time. I woke up with my period (shoot me), so I had cramps all day, and was bloated, and my lower back has felt like I spent the past three days moving furniture or something. Overall I had been doing pretty well the the new plan, but I had a slip-up/binge today around 2pm. I'm not really sure what triggered it...I think it was a combination of a lot of things. Of course, I think my period had a little bit to do with it, as I was moody and irritable and craving chocolate...but I also had gotten in an EPIC argument with my parents last night that was so bad that I'm looking for places to rent ASAP instead of trying to "wait it out here" until I found a new job. But ya, so I still wasn't speaking to them as of "The Binge," and I was trying so hard not to give in when my mother calls me from a restaurant she is having lunch at, where they happen to serve one of my FAVORITE (binge) foods in the WORLD: Fried Pickles!! Ya, I know-some people think it's gross but if you love them, then you LOVE them! Well, I think that her strange way of trying to make amends, instead of apologizing, was to call and ask if I wanted her to bring me home an order of Fried Pickles.
   Hmmm...let me think....NO! I mean, I think that she had good intentions..but she also is very aware that I'm very bulimic, and that fried pickles are up there with my binge foods like Ben and Jerry's, Peanut Butter Oreos, Nutella...ya. So I found it strange that she would encourage that. Anyway, I said no to them knowing that if I had them I would be unstoppable. And yet--I ended up bingeing ANYWAY! It was like, once the idea of bingeing was in my head, once I entertained those fried pickles...then I just as willing to entertain whatever else I could find. Which was: leftover baked ziti, wheat thins w/ cream cheese, little tiny chocolate cookies I found in my Dad's secret hiding junk food stash that he keeps from my mom, cereal, and good old BREAD! So that happened. But, I immediately purged everything...in fact, I was so disappointed in myself that I did way more than my normal purges-I must of done at least 5 cycles of purge-drink-purge-drink-purge-drink until absolutely nothing was left.
   Even though it made me feel a little better that I got rid of the junk...I was still really upset that I let it happen in the first place. And you know how after a really intense purge you are just completely exhausted? I felt like I had been hit by a train...probably also because of the PMS symptoms, but whoa-I was actually a little worried that I might have overdone it. So I laid down for a little while...and MAN-I am just so miserable here. When I'm distracted with job hunting and sending out resumes and going to see friends I don't have to dwell on it, but I really am so depressed to be at home with my parents right now. The kind of depressed where you don't ever want to get out of bed...and nothing seems worth doing.
   I promised myself that today I would finish unpacking all of my clothes, to get ready for the next carload of things I'll be bringing down in my next trip. I did NO such thing. And it wasn't like I had something better to do...there was just literally nothing I could tell myself that made getting out of bed seem worth it. I even tried telling myself "Hey, just get up and go to the gym and work out...you won't be unpacking, but it will get you out of the house, then maybe you'll feel better and more awake and will be able to do this." Nope. Still couldn't lift my head off of the pillow.
   "In 15 more minutes" became "in an hour" and now its almost 2am and I can honestly say I did NOTHING today but suck at life. The only ray of light is that I did get on the scale (which I promised myself I wouldn't do until Monday, but I was so concerned that with my period I had gained weight) and I'm down to 109. Not exactly a monumental drop-but anything that isn't a gain is cool with me. I think that there is reason to believe that I still have a shot at 107 by Monday, as long as I keep up with the exercise and don't have more binge-a-thons. Even though I couldn't bring myself to get to the gym today, I did a yoga podcast for 45 minutes and did about a half hour of ab work, so that I didn't feel like a complete schlepp.
   But now my cramps are back with a vengeance, and I'm super irritable...so I do apologize at the less than cheery tone of this post. Just wanted to give an update-I liek being able to share both when I'm doing great and when I'm doing...well, not so great. Right now I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the prize. And of course,since I pretty much slept all day, I'm WIDE AWAKE NOW! I'm supposed to leave tomorrow to drive back to my apartment for about 14 days to give myself a break while I still have another place to go to...but I can't do that until I unpack everything from my car, which makes me think there is a possibility it will have to get pushed back until Monday since I didn't accomplish that task today.
   Oh lordy lordy lordy. Well, you win some you lose some I guess. I think I'm going to try and take advantage of this newfound energy spurt while it lasts and fold some clothes before hitting the sack again. At least there's always tomorrow...or in this case, the rest of today. Anyone out there have any home remedies or tricks for relieving the awful suckiness of periods? Love hearing new suggestions.

LM

Passed OUT! But I FINALLY finished!

   So, I woke up this morning in one of the most amusing ways. I stayed up last night until like 2am writing down my plan for today and searching a bunch of food info and stuff that I wanted to share with everyone....and I guess I tried to push myself an eency bit too hard, and I PASSED OUT with my laptop ON MY LAP, my pen IN MY MOUTH, and my notepad IN MY HAND. I woke up about 40min later than I had planned on...and I just sort of looked around like WTF? Everything was still exactly where it was when I was working on it...I guess I'm lucky that I didn't kick the laptop off the bed at any point in the night. Then I had that moment of panic that everyone who has ever fallen asleep studying for an exam knows about-where I was like OMG I DIDN'T SUBMIT MY POST IN TIME!!!!! But then I came to my senses and realized that this blog is actually NOT being graded by anyone, and that my future hasn't been ruined, lol.
   Anyway, like I said I meant to wake up at 10:30 this morning (I had planned on going to bed around 2:30am, which still gave me 8 hours), but since I ended up passing out who-knows-when without setting an alarm, that ended up being 11:08am. That's right-11:08 exactly. I know this because I looked at my phone and yelled "AHHHH, IT'S 11:08!!" Since then I have eaten breakfast and done an hour of fake-yoga (I call stretching on a yoga mat with Enya playing in the background "fake-yoga")-so I'm feeling refreshed and energized and ready to finally sit down and type out what I'm going to be doing in the next weeks to remedy my binge-induced weight gain.
   Most of you have probably heard about eating 6-8 small meals a day instead of 3 big meals-the concept isn't very new, it's been around for a while. The problem is, when most people do it, they break up a "regular" daily intake of 1,500-2,000cals into those 6-8 small meals. Obviously, I don't want to consume anywhere NEAR that many calories...but I really like the idea of eating less more often, and the science behind it seems to be that this eating pattern promotes a faster and more efficient metabolism, which allows your body to burn fat more effectively.
   Many of you have probably ALSO heard of the 2-4-6-8 diet that's uber-popular among the ED community, which is 200cal one day, 400cal the next day, and so on. The logic behind this is ALSO to keep your metabolism from slowing down too much, by sort of "tricking" it into a pattern where it never gets used to ONLY having one set amount, which would make it sort of plateau.
   Additionally, I've written before about how I'm really into getting the daily amount of fiber in the least amount of calories possible. I've also written before about how I'm sort of obsessed with Tanya Zuckerbrot, who wrote the F-Factor diet all about losing weight with fiber and founded my FAV website, SkinnyintheCity.com. Right, well the whole idea of enough fiber aiding in weight-loss is that fiber is basically undigestable, meaning that it is not absorbed by your colon. That is why it is so helpful in aiding digestion, because it pretty much goes right through you since it can't be digested itself.
   Then, of course, there is my old BFF, the negative-calorie diet, which consists only of foods that burn more calories in their digestion than they contain, in essence cancelling themselves out and allowing you to eat your fill of these foods without the guilt.
   So what to make of all this? What I've been doing the last few days is trying to make a plan that basically COMBINES all of these ideas into one diet, and then add in exercise. What I've come up with is the following:

Day 1: 300 Calories

300 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 50cal meals

Day 2: 450 Calories

450 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 75cal meals

Day 3: 600 Calories

600 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 100cal meals

Day 4: 750 Calories

750 calories DIVIDED by 6 meals = Six 125cal meals

Day 5: Start Cycle Over at 300 Calories.

This is the most basic way to explain the diet. In addition to that foundation, which combines the 6 small meals and 2-4-6-8 method:

*Within the 6 meals, you must meet 100% of daily fiber value (mine is ~20grams, find yours at http://www.healthcalculators.org/calculators/fiber.asp)

*Hunger felt in between meals can be satieted with negative-calorie snacks

*Must integrate at least 60minutes of high-calorie burning exercise each day (My favorite is 60 minutes on the treadmill at 15% incline and between 3.5 and 4.5 speed-burns between 500 and 650 calories in just one hour!)

OK, so how do you do this? Below is a list of foods and snacks that are ALL ONLY 50 CALORIES:

Volumetric:

1 cup Manischewitz Matzo Ball & Soup Mix

1/2 of a large grapefruit

2.5 cups sugarfree flavored gelatin

12 baby carrots

3/4 cup serving of fruit smoothie (1 c nonfat sugar-free yogurt, 1 c strawberries, 1 banana, 3 c crushed ice)

10 dill pickle spears

1.25 c spinich, boiled and drained

3/4 cup gazpacho (no bread)

1 c chopped cantalope or watermelon

Surf 'n' Turf

1 think slice smoked salmon

1.5 pieces California roll

1/3 slim jim

1.5 strips bacon

2 thin slices turkey breast

Vegan

1/2 Nature Valley Oats 'N Honey Granola Bar

1 Lightlife Smart Dogs Meatless Franks

1/2 cup vegetarian barley soup

2 pieces Turtle Island Tofurkey Jurky

Combo

1/2 wedge of honeydew melon w/thin slice honey ham

3 saltines each topped w/ two thin slices turkey pepperoni

3 Nabisco Original Wheat Thins topped w/ low-fat cream cheese and thin slice of pickle

10 medium strawberries w/ 1 tbsp Cool Whip topping

1/2 c diced watermelon mixed w/ 1 tbsp lowfat yogurt

Sweet

1 fig bar

1 Charms Junior blow Pop

1 tbsp honey

2 hershey kisses

5 Brach's jelly beans

12 M&M's Chocolate Candies

Crunchy

5 potato chips

2 cups light microwave popcorn

4 lowfat Honey Maid Honey Grahams

11 dry roasted peanuts

Frozen

6 oz. Dannon Light & Fit nonfat yogurt

1/2 low-fat ice cream sandwich

1 Breyers "Pure Fruit" Fruit & Cream Bar

1 Dove Ice Cream Miniature

Mediterranean

15 seedless grapes

1.5 cups chopped cucumber w/ 3/4 tbsp olive oil, squirt of lemon juice and salt

2 medium tomatoes or 16 cherry tomatoes

4 pimiento-stuffed Queen olives

7 almonds

2 oz. red or white wine

Bottoms Up

1 cup V8 100% vegetable juice

1 cup light apple juice

1 cup coffee w/ 1 tbsp half-and-half and 1 tsp sugar

1 diet root beer float w/ 1/4 cup light vanilla ice cream

unlimited iced tea

6 oz. Bud Light

2 oz. red or white wine

And here is a list of all the negative-calorie foods:

Negative Calorie Vegetables

Asparagus

Beet Root

Broccoli

Cabbage

Carrot

Cauliflower

Celery Chicory

Hot Chili

Cucumber

Garden cress

Garlic

Green Beans

Lettuce

Onion

Radish

Spinach

Turnip

Zucchini

Negative Calorie Fruits

Apple

Blueberries

Cantaloupe

Cranberry

Grapefruit Honeydew

Lemon/Lime

Mango

Orange

Papaya

Peach Pineapple

Raspberry

Strawberry

Tomato

Tangerine

Turnip

Watermelon

But What about the Fiber?! High fiber-foods include vegetables, whole grains, beans and legumes. A food item is considered to be high fiber if it contains at least 5 g of fiber per serving. The Mayo Clinic offers guidelines of some favorite foods and their fiber content. LOW-calorie, HIGH fiber foods:

Fruits

* Raspberries rank as one of the highest high fiber low calorie foods, at 8.0 g per serving and 1 calorie per raspberry

*Raspberries are followed by Pears at 5.1 g, with about 51 calories for a medium sized pear

*Next are Apples at 4.4, at roughly 55 calories for a small apple

*Then Blueberries, roughly 40 calories for 50 berries and 3.5 grams fiber

*And Strawberries, which average about 2 calories per strawberry and 3.3 grams of fiber each

*Finally, Raisins, which provide 1.6 grams of fiber per 1.5 ounce serving and roughly 42 calories for a 5-ounce box.

Grains

*Whole-wheat Spaghetti weighs in at 6.3 g of fiber per serving and approximately 174 calories per 1-cup serving

*One cup of Oatmeal provides 4.0 grams and about 60 calories per serving

*Whole-wheat or Multigrain Breads offer 1.9 grams per slice and about 65 calories per slice.

Vegetables

*Cooked Peas, at a whopping 8.8 g of fiber and a low 67 calories per cup serving size

*Boiled Turnip Greens, which offer about 5.0 grams of fiber per cup sized serving and about 48 calories

*Raw Carrots offer 1.7 grams of fiber and 21 calories for a small carrot

*Boiled Broccoli offering 5.1 g of fiber and about 52 calories per cup

Also, seeds and nuts help supplement your low calorie and high fiber food diet, but I had a harder time finding exact serving sizes and calories, because there are so many styles and brands...but:

*Sunflower seeds

*Sesame seeds and

*Pumpkin Seeds

Just be sure to look at labels when purchasing store-bought food to determine the grams of fiber as well as calories per serving.

   As you can (hopefully) tell, this took me a lot of time to put together and I scoured the internet and all of the diet books I own to come up with this routine, so I do apologize for it taking so long to compile...but I hope that you find the lists useful regardless of whether or not you have any interest in trying the "plan"-everyone can use low calories snack lists! What I'll be doing is following the 6-meal, incremental calorie plan by making up all of the meals from combinations of the foods from the previous lists. Let's see how this goes!!

-LM

Haven't Forgotten-Pinky Swear!

Hey,
   Just wanted to say I haven't forgotten to post my new plan-I'm just still workin on the details. I've been doing a lot of research and putting a lot of thought into this one. Just got back from the gym (good sign, lol), am exhausted and making some tea to enjoy while I relax and watch my nightly Power Hour a.k.a. Daily Show/Colbert Report lineup. I'll be finalizing some details during commercials and posting afterwards in the wee hours of the morning. Anyone ever try "Super Dieter's Tea" from some chick named Laci Le Beau? Sounds more like a porn star than a tea maker to me-but whatever floats your boat, I guess. Bought a box of it today-couldn't resist. Gunna see if it's anything like Smooth Move from GNC.

Peace out for now

LM

Honeymoon Period = OVER!

   As is often the case with me, the period of time during which I last posted (when I was feeling great, doing great, losing weight, etc) officially ended soon after that last post, and I've had a pretty rapid downward spiral. I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised anymore, this always happens to me in predictable cycles-usually when I'm feeling my absolute best, I know that a crash is just around the corner. Still, you never fully get used to it, no matter how many times it happens.
   I haven't talked about it in a little while, but I am moving back to South Florida to be closer to my parents, specifically my father. The problem is that I'm staying WITH my parents while I find a new job and a new place-and I NEVER imagined how stressful this would be! I haven't lived with them since high school, and I thought "Hey, it's no big deal, I'm an adult now..." WRONG. So, so, so wrong. It's been absolutely terrible. Here I am, a college graduate, an independant woman who has been living on my own for over five years-and I feel like a teenager again. And I FUCKING HATED MY TEENAGE YEARS! They were beyond awful, worst years of my life...and being home, living in my old room, having to constantly deal with my parents has been so mentally draining. My parents haven't changed at all-don't get me wrong, I love them and I know they love me-but going from seeing them 6 times a year to EVERY FUCKING DAY again is going to kill me. I had almost forgotten why I hated high school so much...until now.
   What has been making it worse, I think, is that my mother was recently laid off, so she is currently unemployed and also job hunting...which means we are in the house together ALL DAY LONG, which means that I never have any time to just be by myself to think, write, read, cook, exercise, relax...anything! I know that this could sound very whiny and immature of me, but trust me in that you have no idea how valuable those small things are to your sense of self and independance until they are gone again! You reach a certain point in your life, and you sort of come into your own and put the past behind you, and you forgive your parents for whatever bullshit happened when you were 15, and you respect them more as human beings and hope that they have done the same towards you. I had finally begun to let go of so much, and feel as though I had earned the respect of my family and had come to be seen as an equal.
   But just in the few weeks I've been here, the mere idea that I ever even THOUGHT those things has become nothing short of delusional. Technically, my lease at my apartment is not up until July 31st, so I can come and go there until August 1st. I had TRIED to get the move over with early, so that I wasn't scrambling to get out at the last minute...but I can't stand it here right now. I've been so frustrated and upset, and it has really taken a toll on my attitude and (worst of all) my body. My mother's constant nitpicking and questioning of every little thing I do or say or wear has turned me into this person that I hate. I'm always so annoyed that I've become very short with both of my parents, and in fact I rarely ever even speak to them in anything but a resentful and contentious tone. That's not the person I want to be! I'm kind and caring and patient and thoughtful!! Yet, you wouldn't know it if you just heard me the last couple of weeks.
   Anyway, as you've probably expected or gathered, I've gained weight and sort of "fallen off the wagon." I've been swinging back and forth between all-out bingeing, restricting, and bingeing/purging. I've had three epic binges in the last 2 weeks that, when I was done eating enough calories for a week, I didn't even purge! I was so depressed and exhausted and hopeless feeling that I just PASSED OUT. I haven't binged and not purged in YEARS! Like, I'm talking MAJOR binges. Two pints of Ben & Jerry's, an entire bag of movie-theater-butter popcorn, an entire jar of peanut butter, full sleeves of Ritz crackers dipped and topped in whatever I can find (mustard, cream cheese, jelly, ranch dressing, olives...the list goes on and on), whole bags of mini marshmallows, Ramen noodles smothered in butter and olive oil and parmesan cheese...I think you get the idea. And then, just crying and passing out on the couch with ALL OF IT! Then, of course, I'd wake up the next day, realize what I had done, and go into an all-out panic attack over all the calories I ate, and then not eat at all for two or three days to compensate...which of course would then lead to another binge.
   Then of course there have been regular binge/purge sessions, where I at least have the sense to get rid of what I just ate...like this morning while my mom was on an interview. Anyway, I think everyone understands what's been going on. I'll cut to the hard numbers and get it over with. As of this morning, I've gained 6 pounds. From 104 to 110. So disgusted with myself. But, I took pictures nonetheless, because I wanted to regain some sense of control and normalcy. I've been so miserable that I haven't even wanted to post-but I realized that maybe not posting for so long has contributed to this funk, because this is my outlet and where I have people who understand me and have been through similar struggles and who don't judge me. I couldn't sleep at all last night, my head was just racing with thoughts of how to fix this situation, and at around 4am I shot up in bed, got up, got a pad and paper, and sat down at the kitchen table while my parents slept to devise a plan, because I just can't live like this.
   I've decided that the key to surviving my stint back home is to be in the house as little as humanly possible. If I'm not here, no one can bother me-right? I went out today and joined a gym-my old apartment complex had a fitness center that was included with the rent, so I didn't have to have a seperate gym membership, which saved a lot of money. HOWEVER, I am willing to spend the extra money if it gives me a place to go and get it shape while avoiding my family at the same time. Which is why I did not just join any gym, but a 24-hour gym, so that I can get the fuck out of here whenever I want to and have somewhere that will be open and let me in. Also, instead of doing all of my job searching from my parents' computer, which requires that I be in the house for hours and hours-I have decided to take my laptop to the library every day from now on. There is a local branch literally less than 10 minutes from the house-so I can walk there with a backpack and get in extra exercise, be productive, and get out of the house all at the same time. I've also decided that I don't want to be a legal secretary forever, and that I want to go to law school. Which means I have to re-take the LSATs, which means I need to study for the LSATs, which means I have another excuse to be at the library or Starbucks or wherever.
   I'm also going to drive the five hours back to my apartment on July 10th (this coming Saturday) and STAY THERE until right before my lease is up. I figure, why should I suffer down here two weeks more than I have to when I'm still paying rent for that apartment for this month. That way I can sort of re-group, and finish moving everything at my own pace, instead of doing it all in one day with a rental van like my parents wanted me to do. I'm still working on what I'm going to do about food...I haven't decided yet whether to go back to my fall-back plan of negative calorie only foods, or if I want to try something new. The thing is, I'm always reading and researching new diets and tips and tricks, so even though I know that my negative-calorie method eventually gets the job done-I'm always looking for better, faster ways. There are a couple things I read about recently that I kind of want to try out...I might end up sitting down tonight and sort of making a hybrid plan of some new and old methods. I'll post tomorrow with what I come up with.

   Here are pics from today. ::Gulps::

  

This is what depressed looks like.

Front view

Side view-you can really tell in this one, where my stomach doesn't go in anymore but OUT!

So, I also went out and bought a Juicy Couture bathing suit in an EXTRA SMALL, which I am very much NOT right now, in order to motivate me. I figured, it worked with the Nanette Lepore dress, and this is something else I've wanted for a while. I only bought the bottoms though (I know, kinda weird) because I didn't like the top, and I have an off-white halter bikini top that matches and looks better. But ya so here is how this is SUPPOSED to look on someone who is thin enough to wear it:

And here is what it looks like on me right now:

I know, pretty gross. It doesn't even look like the same suit on me.

   Well, that's why I have to lose the weight again! Going to be looking at this picture A LOT for motivation, you can be damn sure of that! UGH-on top of everything else, ANOTHER friend of mine is getting married tomorrow! I feel like such a bitch-it's not that I'm not happy for her, it's just like...JESUS! Why are all my friends getting married and I'm just getting more fucked up? Luckily this one is local, at the synagogue around the corner where she had her Bat Mitzvah, so no expensive plane tickets or resorts (as awesome as Antigua was-it really put a dent in my savings account!).

   The thing is, I went with her on Saturday to buy everything for the wedding (it was kind of a last minute thing, long story, has to do with her fiance's immigration status)-so we were literally buying the dress, the shoes, the jewelry...EVERYTHING three days before the wedding! Luckily we found it all, but the thing is...she has lost a LOT of weight in the past 6 months or so, like went from a size 10 to a 4 (US), and she is taller than me (like everyone, not difficult when you're 4'9'') so everything just looked amazing on her. And even though I can still fit into some (not all) of my 2s right now, she still seems so much thinner than me. The whole time we were shopping store associates kept commenting on how pretty and thin she was, and it was really difficult for me. I kept thinking "You are the same size if not a little smaller than her, but she makes it look 100 times better than you do."

   Whatever, I can't think anymore-I think I'm just rambling now. The point is, I have to be there an hour before everyone else tomorrow to do her make-up-so I'm going to sleep early so that I can wake up at 6am so that I can have MYSELF ready and at the synagogue in time to get HER ready.

Oy vey.

LM