Saturday, June 5, 2010
Steady as she goes...
Hey all!
Nothing regarding my diet/exercise/weight has really changed since yesterday-I've decided not to weigh myself until Monday morning, so that I won't freak out over little fraction of a lb changes and just WORK MY ASS OFF! Then, if I'm a little short of my goal in the morning, I can work all day and still have a last shot for night time.
Also, I realized that a lot of readers and bloggers are in the UK (Thanks, "Because I Love Who I Can Become!"), so as soon as I'm through with this post I'm going to go through my stats and do metric conversions and UK sizes for all of them. I know that we Americans are the only ones not on the boat with the Metric system, lol-so that must be frustrating. To be remedied shortly =)
What I kind of want to post about today is about the RAD class I took. I don't know if I've ever brought this up in a post before...pretty sure that I haven't, but I was sexually assaulted about 5 years ago. I never really got counseling or treatment for it until very recently, and I still get nightmares and flashbacks sometimes of it happening. Ever since, I've had this idea that men can do whatever they want and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm no match for their size or strength, which really scares me-because nothing I did stopped it last time. It is quite a reality check-I always used to see on television and in movies, women would escape in the nick of time with a kick to the groin or something like that-but it wasn't that easy.
Well, overall I'm fine now...I still think about it sometimes before I fall asleep at night, but it doesn't hinder or interfere with my every day life anymore. In the beginning, I couldn't leave my apartment for weeks. Then, when I had sort of recovered a bit and had gained back a semblance of normalcy, I saw him in a mall food court after 3 1/2 years. That was rough-it was really terrifying thinking things like "What if he saw me?" "Does he know where I live now?" "Has he been in town this whole time or did he just come back?" etc, etc. For various reasons that I won't go entirely into, I never reported the attack or pressed charges. It was a textbook case of a combination of 1. alcohol and drugs being involved, 2. blaming myself, and 3. that he was not a stranger but rather a friend of a friend. All of these factors made me too scared to report anything to the police. I was afraid that no one would believe me, or think that I was drunk and exaggerated it. Then on the complete opposite end-what if the police did believe me, and it went as far as an arrest and a trial-and then I had to testify in front of him and my family and our mutual friends would be called up....inevitably some would side with him and some would side with me. Neither result seemed particularly desirable to me.
Anyway, now that the background information is over with, I'll get back to the point. I was reading my local newspaper and came across an article about the police department offering these Rape Aggression Defense classes for FREE! So, I went online and searched "Women's Self-Defense Class" in my area, and sure enough the most highly rated one that kept coming up was the RAD class. There were some others, but they weren't all free and didn't have as great reviews. So, I asked a friend of mine if she wanted to do it with me, she said she would, and I registered us both.
Well, even though the classes are extremely long (Four hours for three days), they were really awesome. I learned so much, and a lot of safety measures that I never even would have thought of. The first day was not hands on, it was basically a 4-hour power-point presentation, but with a very good instructor who didn't just read the slides, and demonstrated a few things, and had a lot of stories of past cases to drive the points home. The second day was really cool, we got to be much more physically active and were taught a bunch of amazing resistance, defense, and aversion moves if ever attacked from just about every angle/position imaginable. It was a lot to take in, but so empowering to know that you don't have to be a 6-foot Amazon Women to have a chance in hell at escaping!
Here's comes the bad part. Well, not bad-just disappointing, I suppose. The third day is what they call "Fight Night," and it is supposedly the best part and most useful. It is basically where you get to use everything you learned the previous two days, where you enter a room not knowing what is about to happen, and certified RAD instructors who you haven't met before surprise attack you in a variety of scenarios, forcing you to remember what moves to use in those situations. I was really excited about it, but also extremely nervous. What happened was, at the end of the second day, we had finished a little ahead of schedule and had about a half hour left, so the instructors decided to teach us some "advanced" moves that required them to sort of "fake attack" you in order for you to use them, and one the the moves involved what to do when you are being dragged by your legs.
When I was attacked, I was dragged by my hair to a room where the door was then locked and I wasn't allowed to leave. So, even though this move wasn't exactly the same, something about the sensation and feeling of being dragged away triggered a flashback. I was near tears and had to leave the room. After everyone else had gone and the class was dismissed, I asked to speak to one of the instructors and explained that I had been sexually assaulted in the past, and that I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been working on trauma issues in therapy, but that I was extremely nervous about "Fight Night," based on what had just happened.
She told me not to worry, that it was completely understandable, and that they would let me go first with no one else in the room, so that if I had to stop for any reason, the rest of the class wouldn't know. That made me feel a little better, but that night (Thursday) I had nothing but skin-crawling, bone-chilling nightmares all night...the kind I haven't had in years. And I know that I shouldn't have let it effect me the way that it did, but I ended up no-showing to Fight Night.
Now, I feel so awful about it. I can't believe that I let my fears from the past stop me from learning how to protect myself in the future! True, I got the information out of the first two days-but what good are all of those moves and tactics if I can't remember them in a high-stress situation? That's sort of the point of Fight Night-making you recall information when you are caught unaware. I called the police department today and found out that they are holding the classes again at the end of July...which will be about a week or so before I move, anyway. I e-mailed the main RAD instructor I had and made up some excuse about yesterday, and asked if I could come again in July. Hopefully, I don't let my past ghosts get the best of me next time. But, all that being said, I think that anyone who ever has the opportunity to take either an official RAD class or any Self-Defense class for women-PLEASE DO IT! There are RAD classes offered in the US, Canada, the UK, South Korea, and Switzerland. Here's a link to their website: RAD Systems: Program Locator. If it helps even one woman avert an assault or battery, its done its job.
I think I'll let that be the final word on my RAD class. I'll be spending the rest of the day finishing making my friend's Wedding Guest Book. She wanted a guest book that people could sign, but also wants to make a "Wedding Scrapbook" after the wedding, where she can put people's messages in it by their pictures. So, she didn't want to buy an expensive, fancy guest book because she plans on tearing the pages out and using it in the scrapbook. But she also didn't want something cheap-looking or trashy, like just throwing a memo pad on the table with a pen, lol. She was stressing over it, so I offered to make one for her-because I love craft projects like that. I'm going to finish it today so that I can take pictures of it and send them to her to make sure she likes it, while I still have time to change anything in the next week. I'll post pictures here of it when its done-I'm rather proud of it, if I do say so myself. =)
Nothing regarding my diet/exercise/weight has really changed since yesterday-I've decided not to weigh myself until Monday morning, so that I won't freak out over little fraction of a lb changes and just WORK MY ASS OFF! Then, if I'm a little short of my goal in the morning, I can work all day and still have a last shot for night time.
Also, I realized that a lot of readers and bloggers are in the UK (Thanks, "Because I Love Who I Can Become!"), so as soon as I'm through with this post I'm going to go through my stats and do metric conversions and UK sizes for all of them. I know that we Americans are the only ones not on the boat with the Metric system, lol-so that must be frustrating. To be remedied shortly =)
What I kind of want to post about today is about the RAD class I took. I don't know if I've ever brought this up in a post before...pretty sure that I haven't, but I was sexually assaulted about 5 years ago. I never really got counseling or treatment for it until very recently, and I still get nightmares and flashbacks sometimes of it happening. Ever since, I've had this idea that men can do whatever they want and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm no match for their size or strength, which really scares me-because nothing I did stopped it last time. It is quite a reality check-I always used to see on television and in movies, women would escape in the nick of time with a kick to the groin or something like that-but it wasn't that easy.
Well, overall I'm fine now...I still think about it sometimes before I fall asleep at night, but it doesn't hinder or interfere with my every day life anymore. In the beginning, I couldn't leave my apartment for weeks. Then, when I had sort of recovered a bit and had gained back a semblance of normalcy, I saw him in a mall food court after 3 1/2 years. That was rough-it was really terrifying thinking things like "What if he saw me?" "Does he know where I live now?" "Has he been in town this whole time or did he just come back?" etc, etc. For various reasons that I won't go entirely into, I never reported the attack or pressed charges. It was a textbook case of a combination of 1. alcohol and drugs being involved, 2. blaming myself, and 3. that he was not a stranger but rather a friend of a friend. All of these factors made me too scared to report anything to the police. I was afraid that no one would believe me, or think that I was drunk and exaggerated it. Then on the complete opposite end-what if the police did believe me, and it went as far as an arrest and a trial-and then I had to testify in front of him and my family and our mutual friends would be called up....inevitably some would side with him and some would side with me. Neither result seemed particularly desirable to me.
Anyway, now that the background information is over with, I'll get back to the point. I was reading my local newspaper and came across an article about the police department offering these Rape Aggression Defense classes for FREE! So, I went online and searched "Women's Self-Defense Class" in my area, and sure enough the most highly rated one that kept coming up was the RAD class. There were some others, but they weren't all free and didn't have as great reviews. So, I asked a friend of mine if she wanted to do it with me, she said she would, and I registered us both.
Well, even though the classes are extremely long (Four hours for three days), they were really awesome. I learned so much, and a lot of safety measures that I never even would have thought of. The first day was not hands on, it was basically a 4-hour power-point presentation, but with a very good instructor who didn't just read the slides, and demonstrated a few things, and had a lot of stories of past cases to drive the points home. The second day was really cool, we got to be much more physically active and were taught a bunch of amazing resistance, defense, and aversion moves if ever attacked from just about every angle/position imaginable. It was a lot to take in, but so empowering to know that you don't have to be a 6-foot Amazon Women to have a chance in hell at escaping!
Here's comes the bad part. Well, not bad-just disappointing, I suppose. The third day is what they call "Fight Night," and it is supposedly the best part and most useful. It is basically where you get to use everything you learned the previous two days, where you enter a room not knowing what is about to happen, and certified RAD instructors who you haven't met before surprise attack you in a variety of scenarios, forcing you to remember what moves to use in those situations. I was really excited about it, but also extremely nervous. What happened was, at the end of the second day, we had finished a little ahead of schedule and had about a half hour left, so the instructors decided to teach us some "advanced" moves that required them to sort of "fake attack" you in order for you to use them, and one the the moves involved what to do when you are being dragged by your legs.
When I was attacked, I was dragged by my hair to a room where the door was then locked and I wasn't allowed to leave. So, even though this move wasn't exactly the same, something about the sensation and feeling of being dragged away triggered a flashback. I was near tears and had to leave the room. After everyone else had gone and the class was dismissed, I asked to speak to one of the instructors and explained that I had been sexually assaulted in the past, and that I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have been working on trauma issues in therapy, but that I was extremely nervous about "Fight Night," based on what had just happened.
She told me not to worry, that it was completely understandable, and that they would let me go first with no one else in the room, so that if I had to stop for any reason, the rest of the class wouldn't know. That made me feel a little better, but that night (Thursday) I had nothing but skin-crawling, bone-chilling nightmares all night...the kind I haven't had in years. And I know that I shouldn't have let it effect me the way that it did, but I ended up no-showing to Fight Night.
Now, I feel so awful about it. I can't believe that I let my fears from the past stop me from learning how to protect myself in the future! True, I got the information out of the first two days-but what good are all of those moves and tactics if I can't remember them in a high-stress situation? That's sort of the point of Fight Night-making you recall information when you are caught unaware. I called the police department today and found out that they are holding the classes again at the end of July...which will be about a week or so before I move, anyway. I e-mailed the main RAD instructor I had and made up some excuse about yesterday, and asked if I could come again in July. Hopefully, I don't let my past ghosts get the best of me next time. But, all that being said, I think that anyone who ever has the opportunity to take either an official RAD class or any Self-Defense class for women-PLEASE DO IT! There are RAD classes offered in the US, Canada, the UK, South Korea, and Switzerland. Here's a link to their website: RAD Systems: Program Locator. If it helps even one woman avert an assault or battery, its done its job.
I think I'll let that be the final word on my RAD class. I'll be spending the rest of the day finishing making my friend's Wedding Guest Book. She wanted a guest book that people could sign, but also wants to make a "Wedding Scrapbook" after the wedding, where she can put people's messages in it by their pictures. So, she didn't want to buy an expensive, fancy guest book because she plans on tearing the pages out and using it in the scrapbook. But she also didn't want something cheap-looking or trashy, like just throwing a memo pad on the table with a pen, lol. She was stressing over it, so I offered to make one for her-because I love craft projects like that. I'm going to finish it today so that I can take pictures of it and send them to her to make sure she likes it, while I still have time to change anything in the next week. I'll post pictures here of it when its done-I'm rather proud of it, if I do say so myself. =)
"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
-Louisa May Alcott
LM
Friday, June 4, 2010
Whoopsy Daisy!
Why hello there!
I got back into town as planned Wednesday around 10am, and I walked into my apartment to find...that our electricity was turned off. This was QUITE perplexing to me, as before I left I had left a utilities check on the kitchen counter for my roommate to mail in. Well, apparently, she forgot. SOOOOOO I had to pay it immediately online, and they don't just "turn it back on" with the push of a button, they have to set up an appointment to come out to your place and physically turn it on.
Luckily, I had that Rape Aggression Defense class (henceforth to be referred to as RAD to keep me from typing that all out every time), so I was able to get out of the stifling heat and lack of internet and television from 1-5pm at least. Imagine my surprise when I came back, and it STILL wasn't back on! Ya. I had to sleep practically naked to tolerate how effing hot it was, and it finally got turned back on last night-thank god! So, now that I've had the opportunity to wake up NOT in a pool of sweat, have my breakfast, read the paper...I decided it was finally the perfect time to post-since I have power again, and all.
First things first: I can't stress enough how much your following and comments mean to me! Thank you so much! This post actually might get a little too long because I have so much to say that I kept saving or putting off for my "next post," not realizing that it would be like 3 days! I'll try my best to be mindful if it gets too ridonkulous, and maybe split it into two posts if I have to.
That being said, I have lots of glorious photographs for your enjoyment! Not to bring up all sorts of old news or anything, but I've been meaning to post some pictures from my birthday so that you can appreciate how ridiculously delicious my dinner was! Unfortunately, I didn't think to take pictures until AFTER we had devoured the Mushroom Crostinis, so they are absent. I got everything else though!
I got back into town as planned Wednesday around 10am, and I walked into my apartment to find...that our electricity was turned off. This was QUITE perplexing to me, as before I left I had left a utilities check on the kitchen counter for my roommate to mail in. Well, apparently, she forgot. SOOOOOO I had to pay it immediately online, and they don't just "turn it back on" with the push of a button, they have to set up an appointment to come out to your place and physically turn it on.
Luckily, I had that Rape Aggression Defense class (henceforth to be referred to as RAD to keep me from typing that all out every time), so I was able to get out of the stifling heat and lack of internet and television from 1-5pm at least. Imagine my surprise when I came back, and it STILL wasn't back on! Ya. I had to sleep practically naked to tolerate how effing hot it was, and it finally got turned back on last night-thank god! So, now that I've had the opportunity to wake up NOT in a pool of sweat, have my breakfast, read the paper...I decided it was finally the perfect time to post-since I have power again, and all.
First things first: I can't stress enough how much your following and comments mean to me! Thank you so much! This post actually might get a little too long because I have so much to say that I kept saving or putting off for my "next post," not realizing that it would be like 3 days! I'll try my best to be mindful if it gets too ridonkulous, and maybe split it into two posts if I have to.
That being said, I have lots of glorious photographs for your enjoyment! Not to bring up all sorts of old news or anything, but I've been meaning to post some pictures from my birthday so that you can appreciate how ridiculously delicious my dinner was! Unfortunately, I didn't think to take pictures until AFTER we had devoured the Mushroom Crostinis, so they are absent. I got everything else though!
Caprese Salad
Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce
I also took pictures of my friends' meals, because they looked SO good even though I don't eat meat.
This would be Veal Milanese (veal scaloppini breaded and pan-fried, topped with marinated tomatos and fresh greens)
Lobster Ravioli in Fontina Cream Sauce
And of course...The Cake! Double Chocolate Layer Cake, to be exact.
So, ya-that was my birthday dinner! I know it's kind of silly to post the pictures now, but ever since I left my parents' place on Tuesday, I've been back to some extreme restriction in the hopes of reaching my goal of 101lbs by Monday, in spite of having missed last Monday's 103lbs. And when I'm fasting or doing intense restriction, obviously all I think about is delicious food! So in a weird way looking at the pictures from that dinner lets me remember how good it tasted, and then I sort of feel like I ate it again! It might be crazy, but its stopped me from bingeing TWICE now, so I'll take it.
Speaking of Monday's goal...I'm once again switching up my plan a bit, but not much. Basically, instead of complete fasting and not eating anything from Tuesday to Monday while exercising like I did for the three days that I went from 110.2 to 104.6, I'm allowing myself 125 cal per day in the form of 2 Fiber Supplements (15cal together) and a 1/2 cup of Fiber One ORIGINAL Bran Cereal (60cal) with 1 Fiber One Vanilla Yogurt (50cal). So, with just chewing two supplements and having a small 110cal breakfast in the morning, I'm getting 93% of my daily value of fiber. I eat the cereal and yogurt about a half hour after waking up, and then I take the supplements at lunch time. Since they are in gummy-form, they are actually kind of good so I like pretending that they are a meal, lol. The rest of the day I just drink water or green tea, 1/2 cup every half hour or so, alternating between the two.
The "rationale" behind this approach (I put it in quotation marks because...let's be real, nothing we do is really "rational") is that I'm kind of obsessed with Tanya Zuckerbrot, and I watch all of her Youtube videos, and try to catch her whenever I know she's going to be on TV. For anyone wondering who the hell she is, she is this celebrity dietician who wrote "The F-Factor Diet" and also started the website Skinny in the City, which I am also totally obsessed with. Basically the idea is to have a diet rich in fiber, because fiber is undigestible but very filling. So when you eat fiber, it fills you up and moves right through you, aiding in more regular bowel movements and helping you lose weight. Well, obviously, she does not endorse disordered eating and I've taken her basic premise to the extreme-but ya, that's what I'm doing right now. I decided to try it after being incredibly frustrated by the fact that even though you can lose weight very quickly by fasting and exercising, it also screws with my digestive system, and I end up constipated, bloated, and retaining water...which makes me feel disgusting. I figured, there has to be a way to eat very little but do something to help with those side effects. It's only been yesterday and today so far (Tues and Wed I just fasted), but I definitely feel better than I usually do when I'm just straight-up not eating anything. I guess we'll see how well it really worked on Monday!
In other news, I know I briefly mentioned in another post that I had been dress shopping for the Antigua wedding that is FAST approaching (like, holy shit its in less than two weeks fast!!!), but still hadn't found anything. Well...I did something kind of bad. Actually, it might be really good...but it could also be very bad. After my last dress shopping rampage at the the mall, I tried on at LEAST 30 dresses, and I was consistently a size 2 every time, which on the one hand felt really incredible, but weird at the same time because I don't feel like a size 2, I feel like a size 10. Well, I've always had it in my head that a size 0 is the perfect size. I remember when I was overweight in high school, and I would go through the racks of clothes I couldn't fit in, and I would look at the size 0s as if they were these mythological, fantastical creations. And I would think "Who on EARTH could fit into these?!?!" Then, I would overhear the pretty, popular girls at school talking about shopping, etc. and discover that THEY were all size 0s and 2s. Well, for the first time in my life, I'm a size 2. And yet, I'm still not happy. I don't feel as thought the size is translating to my weight, or the shape of my body.
Anyway, I'll stop the rambling. This is what I did: I bought this Nanette Lepore dress for the wedding...in a size 0. I've always wanted a Nanette Lepore dress, ever since I saw an amazing one on the Tyra Banks show in one of their "Makeover" episodes (I know, I'm a loser). Well, the store had it in a size 2 and a size 0...and I could have gotten the 2. But I had this tunnel vision moment, and I thought that if I bought it in a 0, it would give me even more motivation to lose weight and fit into it for the wedding! I thought, this is non-refundable, and non-returnable...(it was on sale)if I do this, I HAVE TO WEAR IT! So I made myself get it in a 0, and now that is what is pushing me through. Whenever I'm about to binge or am too tired to exercise, I look at the dress and tell myself "You are SO close! Don't fuck it all up now!!" Seriously, though-how freaking adorable is this dress? Normally I would think it was too casual for a wedding, but it is a beach wedding and my friend showed me pictures of the wedding dress she is going to wear...let's just say I have nothing to worry about. Other than fitting into it, that is! Another part of my reasoning was that, in addition to providing the motivation to GET into the dress, it would also provide me with the motivation to not go crazy and splurge once I get to Antigua, because I'll be there two days before the wedding, so I'll still have to fit into it the day of. I know, I'm crazy. But determined.
And on that note, I'm going to free anyone who is still reading from the clutches of my tangents! I did want to write a little bit about my RAD class, but I'll save it for after tonight, which is the final class. Stay strong, everyone!
LM
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
En Route Update
Hola!
Just dropping a quick line to say today I'll be travelling all day and probably won't be able to post until either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depending on how late I end up getting in. I'm signed up for this super-cool 3-day long Rape Agression Defense class at my local Police Department, that is from 1-5 Wed, Thurs, and Fri. I'm really excited about it-but that will take up 4 hours in the middle of the day-so if I don't get a chance to post tonight, it probably won't be until after the class tomorrow! But I have lots of pics and cool stuff to post, that I am anxiously awaiting the free time for! Ciao!
LM
Just dropping a quick line to say today I'll be travelling all day and probably won't be able to post until either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depending on how late I end up getting in. I'm signed up for this super-cool 3-day long Rape Agression Defense class at my local Police Department, that is from 1-5 Wed, Thurs, and Fri. I'm really excited about it-but that will take up 4 hours in the middle of the day-so if I don't get a chance to post tonight, it probably won't be until after the class tomorrow! But I have lots of pics and cool stuff to post, that I am anxiously awaiting the free time for! Ciao!
LM
Monday, May 31, 2010
Bittersweet
Hey all~ 
As per usual, this comes just in the knick of time for tonight! What I'm probably going to do is just post the scale and body pics real quick, so that they are up and done with, and then stay up writing a longer, more detailed post afterwards. At least, that's the plan at the moment.
You may have gathered by the title that there are both good and bad feelings involved with today's results. On the plus side, I did somehow miraculously manage to get down to 105-which is a helluva lot better than 109. However, my goal weight for today HAD been 103, and that didn't happen. Also, my parents' scale is a little...what's the word...hmm...SHITTIER than mine, so it doesn't show fractions of a pound, so I don't know if I'm closer to 104 or 106.
The pictures themselves are also bittersweet for me, because in some areas I'm starting to see a bit of a difference, while in others I'm just NOT! For example, you'll notice that I've included an additional picture in this post: one of my collar bone. I've always just done the front and side views, but today I was feeling particularly happy with my collar bone area, and for the first time thought that it was actually starting to become more pronounced, which made me really happy. On the other hand, I continue to be frustrated with the complete LACK of any difference in my giant stomach! Of course, I understand that I didn't lose any weight this week, and that in the pictures I'm about .8lbs heavier than last Monday's pics, so I souldn't have expected any big difference. It's still frustrating, though, since my stomach/hips/thighs are the areas I'm most self-conscious about. Leave it to me to lose weight just from my tits and neck, lol!
OK, it's picture time-say cheese!
Note the inferior technology
Front:
And yes, I did forget to shave under my arms. My bad.
Side:
I blurred out the arm stubble in this one, lol.
Collar Bone:
Sorry about how disgusting the bathroom mirror is! =(
That's all for now-with about a quarter of an hour to spare! More intense posting to come!
LM
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Being Home is No Holiday!
Hey there, everyone!
I got to my parents' place today, and finally got up the nerve to get on a scale for the first time since my birthday, which was Tuesday. As you know, the night before I had managed to get down just under 105lbs after a whole weekend of fasting and exercising. That felt SO good!
The morning of my birthday, I let myself have a breakfast of 1/4cup egg whites (25cal) and 1 Fiber One yogurt (50cal). Even though it was a breakfast of only 75cal, it was incredibly difficult for me to make myself eat anything after the 3 days of fasting. But, I knew that my friends were taking me out to a great restaurant for dinner that night, and that I wanted to try and enjoy that birthday dinner as much as possible-which meant not making my first bite of dinner my first bite in nearly 4 days. I wanted to gradually build up to it so it wouldn't be impossible to do. Later for lunch I had 1 Wasa Crsipbread (45cal) with 1 Laughing Cow French Onion Light Spreadable Cheese Wedge (35cal) and some Spicy Olive topping (15cal), meaning I managed to keep my breakfast and lunch a little under 200cal. After lunch I worked out for about 1 1/2 hours, did about 45 minutes (400cal) on the treadmill, then did 2 miles on the stationary bike (which actually burns way less calories than you would think...the machine only said like 22cal when I was done!) and some free weights for my arms.
I was feeling pretty confident that I'd done enough to allow myself to indulge for my birthday dinner. And indulge I did. I had an appetizer of Mushroom Crostinis, which were little pita triangles covered in gorgonzola cheese, olive oil, sauteed onions and Portobello mushrooms...they were TO DIE FOR! But, the plate came with four of them, and I only ate two and gave the rest away. THEN I had a Caprese salad, which was four giant, thick slices of tomatoes topped with equally giant, think slices of mozzerella, with basil and balsamic vinegar. ALSO ridiculously good, and again, I had two of the four and gave the rest away. Here comes the worst of it: Entree and Dessert. Oh yes...it was bad. For dinner I chose the Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce (which was EXACTLY as mind-blowingly amazing as it sounds) and for dessert I had the chocolate layer cake. With the tortellini, I asked for a to-go box and put half of it away before I started eating, so that I wouldn't eat more than half. With the cake, I only had two bites and then passed it around the table for everyone to try...between the 7 of us, it wasn't hard to get everyone else to eat it. Still, though...compared to the 3 1/2 days before that meal, which was nothing + 170cal-that meal was BEYOND sinful. It was so awesome though, that I just kept telling myself "It's your BIRTHDAY! You're allowed to have this one great meal with your friends!" and "You can work it off the rest of the week!"
What I hadn't really thought of or accounted for, however, when I made my weight-loss goals and schedule, was that literally the VERY NEXT MORNING after my birthday, I was leaving to visit my friend until today...and that RIGHT from her place, I was coming to see my parents until Tuesday. The reason this is such a problem, is that as most of you know, it is infinitely more difficult to stick as rigidly to your diet and exercise routines in front of other people, especially if those other people know about your ED and are hypersensitive to everything to do with food and exercise. I wasn't too bad while I was at my friend's...the worst thing I ate was some vegetable fried rice, and I only had about 1/2 cup. But the problem was, even though I wasn't going crazy and eating like a madwoman-I wasn't getting in my normal amount of exercise. The 45 minutes of floor exercise and ab work I was able to squeeze in before she woke up in the mornings was really nothing compared to what I was doing before I left. I wanted to weigh myself SO BADLY so that I could get my bearings and try and evaluate how many lbs my birthday dinner had cost me and how far I had to go till my next Monday weigh in...but she doesn't own a freaking scale! UGH
Like I said in the beginning of this post, I finally did get to a scale today...and it was so depressing that I think it was borderline traumatic. 109lbs. You know that moment when you step on a scale, and you KNOW you've gained weight, but you're hoping it's only a little bit, or within a certain range? Like, I was silently praying and wishing to myself in my head "Please don't be over 107, please don't be over 107..." over and over again. When that 109 popped up, I almost fainted I was so heartbroken. I went into my room and just sat on the bed rocking back and forth, crying, on the verge of hyperventilating. My initial thought after I calmed down a bit, was that last weekend I went from 110.6 to 104.2 in only 3 days, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could go from 109 to 103 by Monday night.
The problem is, last weekend I was at my own apartment, with my own privacy and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I was able to eat nothing, exercise to my heart's content...and even do hot yoga (for which there is NOT a studio where my parents live!). Now I'm home, and although my parents don't exactly watch me 24/7, and we don't really sit down for meals together unless we're dining out...it is still extremely hard for me to hide eating nothing from them. Eventually, I get asked "When was the last time you ate?" or "What did you have for ________?" PLUS, in addition to fasting being so impossible when I'm home, I don't have access to the same exercise equipment and studios that I do where I live. I already said there's no Hot Yoga studio here, but at my apartment I have a 24 hour gym, and here...well, I don't. Which means anything I want to do for exercise I'll have to either do behind closed doors in my room, or try to escape for long enough to actually run a few miles or go to a park.
The only thing I ate today was dinner at this little Italian place my parents love-which was good, but super fattening and calorie packed...which is why I purged it as soon as we got home. I was a little nervous they would catch on, but luckily my dad was tired and went to bed and my mom went to run some errands, so I was able to just purge undeterred for like 20 minutes in the bathroom. I've been drinking a ton of tea and water, and took double the amount of fiber supplements, trying to force my body to eliminate some of the water weight and cleanse out what I can. Going to go for a run in the morning before my parents wake up-Sunday is the only day that both of them have off, so they always sleep in-which will let me be gone for a solid 2 hours or so before they get up.
Basically, I'm going to try my best to do everything I can to get my weight as low as possible by Monday night-but I'm not overly optimistic that I'm going to be able to reach my 103 goal. Right now I kind of just hope I can get it down to at least 105 or so, so that when I get back to MY LIFE on Tuesday, I can spend the whole week instead of just a weekend doing whatever I have to do to reach my next goal.
Sorry this was so long, but I hadn't been able to sit down and write a reall post in a few days. Thanks so much for reading and your support! Special shout out to Liz for always hitting me up with great comments =) Wish me luck for tomorrow and Monday, I'll post Monday night with my weekly update and pics--no matter how dismal they are. Good night, and stay strong!
LM
I got to my parents' place today, and finally got up the nerve to get on a scale for the first time since my birthday, which was Tuesday. As you know, the night before I had managed to get down just under 105lbs after a whole weekend of fasting and exercising. That felt SO good!
The morning of my birthday, I let myself have a breakfast of 1/4cup egg whites (25cal) and 1 Fiber One yogurt (50cal). Even though it was a breakfast of only 75cal, it was incredibly difficult for me to make myself eat anything after the 3 days of fasting. But, I knew that my friends were taking me out to a great restaurant for dinner that night, and that I wanted to try and enjoy that birthday dinner as much as possible-which meant not making my first bite of dinner my first bite in nearly 4 days. I wanted to gradually build up to it so it wouldn't be impossible to do. Later for lunch I had 1 Wasa Crsipbread (45cal) with 1 Laughing Cow French Onion Light Spreadable Cheese Wedge (35cal) and some Spicy Olive topping (15cal), meaning I managed to keep my breakfast and lunch a little under 200cal. After lunch I worked out for about 1 1/2 hours, did about 45 minutes (400cal) on the treadmill, then did 2 miles on the stationary bike (which actually burns way less calories than you would think...the machine only said like 22cal when I was done!) and some free weights for my arms.
I was feeling pretty confident that I'd done enough to allow myself to indulge for my birthday dinner. And indulge I did. I had an appetizer of Mushroom Crostinis, which were little pita triangles covered in gorgonzola cheese, olive oil, sauteed onions and Portobello mushrooms...they were TO DIE FOR! But, the plate came with four of them, and I only ate two and gave the rest away. THEN I had a Caprese salad, which was four giant, thick slices of tomatoes topped with equally giant, think slices of mozzerella, with basil and balsamic vinegar. ALSO ridiculously good, and again, I had two of the four and gave the rest away. Here comes the worst of it: Entree and Dessert. Oh yes...it was bad. For dinner I chose the Three Cheese Tortellini in White Truffle Sauce (which was EXACTLY as mind-blowingly amazing as it sounds) and for dessert I had the chocolate layer cake. With the tortellini, I asked for a to-go box and put half of it away before I started eating, so that I wouldn't eat more than half. With the cake, I only had two bites and then passed it around the table for everyone to try...between the 7 of us, it wasn't hard to get everyone else to eat it. Still, though...compared to the 3 1/2 days before that meal, which was nothing + 170cal-that meal was BEYOND sinful. It was so awesome though, that I just kept telling myself "It's your BIRTHDAY! You're allowed to have this one great meal with your friends!" and "You can work it off the rest of the week!"
What I hadn't really thought of or accounted for, however, when I made my weight-loss goals and schedule, was that literally the VERY NEXT MORNING after my birthday, I was leaving to visit my friend until today...and that RIGHT from her place, I was coming to see my parents until Tuesday. The reason this is such a problem, is that as most of you know, it is infinitely more difficult to stick as rigidly to your diet and exercise routines in front of other people, especially if those other people know about your ED and are hypersensitive to everything to do with food and exercise. I wasn't too bad while I was at my friend's...the worst thing I ate was some vegetable fried rice, and I only had about 1/2 cup. But the problem was, even though I wasn't going crazy and eating like a madwoman-I wasn't getting in my normal amount of exercise. The 45 minutes of floor exercise and ab work I was able to squeeze in before she woke up in the mornings was really nothing compared to what I was doing before I left. I wanted to weigh myself SO BADLY so that I could get my bearings and try and evaluate how many lbs my birthday dinner had cost me and how far I had to go till my next Monday weigh in...but she doesn't own a freaking scale! UGH
Like I said in the beginning of this post, I finally did get to a scale today...and it was so depressing that I think it was borderline traumatic. 109lbs. You know that moment when you step on a scale, and you KNOW you've gained weight, but you're hoping it's only a little bit, or within a certain range? Like, I was silently praying and wishing to myself in my head "Please don't be over 107, please don't be over 107..." over and over again. When that 109 popped up, I almost fainted I was so heartbroken. I went into my room and just sat on the bed rocking back and forth, crying, on the verge of hyperventilating. My initial thought after I calmed down a bit, was that last weekend I went from 110.6 to 104.2 in only 3 days, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could go from 109 to 103 by Monday night.
The problem is, last weekend I was at my own apartment, with my own privacy and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I was able to eat nothing, exercise to my heart's content...and even do hot yoga (for which there is NOT a studio where my parents live!). Now I'm home, and although my parents don't exactly watch me 24/7, and we don't really sit down for meals together unless we're dining out...it is still extremely hard for me to hide eating nothing from them. Eventually, I get asked "When was the last time you ate?" or "What did you have for ________
The only thing I ate today was dinner at this little Italian place my parents love-which was good, but super fattening and calorie packed...which is why I purged it as soon as we got home. I was a little nervous they would catch on, but luckily my dad was tired and went to bed and my mom went to run some errands, so I was able to just purge undeterred for like 20 minutes in the bathroom. I've been drinking a ton of tea and water, and took double the amount of fiber supplements, trying to force my body to eliminate some of the water weight and cleanse out what I can. Going to go for a run in the morning before my parents wake up-Sunday is the only day that both of them have off, so they always sleep in-which will let me be gone for a solid 2 hours or so before they get up.
Basically, I'm going to try my best to do everything I can to get my weight as low as possible by Monday night-but I'm not overly optimistic that I'm going to be able to reach my 103 goal. Right now I kind of just hope I can get it down to at least 105 or so, so that when I get back to MY LIFE on Tuesday, I can spend the whole week instead of just a weekend doing whatever I have to do to reach my next goal.
Sorry this was so long, but I hadn't been able to sit down and write a reall post in a few days. Thanks so much for reading and your support! Special shout out to Liz for always hitting me up with great comments =) Wish me luck for tomorrow and Monday, I'll post Monday night with my weekly update and pics--no matter how dismal they are. Good night, and stay strong!
LM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Real quick...
Hey guys-I'm out of town visiting a friend until Saturday, then visiting my parents until Tuesday. My birthday was really great, and I'll post some pictures when I have time at my parents' place. I am eating food again, but trying really hard not to eat too much. It's been hard being out of town, maintaining strict diet routines is always more difficult when you aren't at your own place, with your own food, and the privacy to eat/not eat/purge whatever you want and exercise as much as and whenever you want. In spite of that, I have been trying to be as careful as possible and have been waking up earlier to get in at least 45 minutes of exercise before my friend or her boyfriend are awake to notice. I haven't weighed myself since Monday, have been too scared that it has gone up since resuming solid foods. Can't weigh myself here...not only does she not have a scale, but she knows about my food *issues* and is hypervigilant and hypersensitive about diet/weight related around me. Depending on what I weigh when I get to a scale on Saturday, I may or may not be doing another food strike/exercise rampage combo for the weekend.
Won't be able to post again until late Sat/early Sun. Will give more thorough birthday and trip details then. Got to give my friend back her laptop now and go to bed. Night!
LM
Won't be able to post again until late Sat/early Sun. Will give more thorough birthday and trip details then. Got to give my friend back her laptop now and go to bed. Night!
LM
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