Hey,
Just wanted to say I haven't forgotten to post my new plan-I'm just still workin on the details. I've been doing a lot of research and putting a lot of thought into this one. Just got back from the gym (good sign, lol), am exhausted and making some tea to enjoy while I relax and watch my nightly Power Hour a.k.a. Daily Show/Colbert Report lineup. I'll be finalizing some details during commercials and posting afterwards in the wee hours of the morning. Anyone ever try "Super Dieter's Tea" from some chick named Laci Le Beau? Sounds more like a porn star than a tea maker to me-but whatever floats your boat, I guess. Bought a box of it today-couldn't resist. Gunna see if it's anything like Smooth Move from GNC.
Peace out for now
LM
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Honeymoon Period = OVER!
As is often the case with me, the period of time during which I last posted (when I was feeling great, doing great, losing weight, etc) officially ended soon after that last post, and I've had a pretty rapid downward spiral. I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised anymore, this always happens to me in predictable cycles-usually when I'm feeling my absolute best, I know that a crash is just around the corner. Still, you never fully get used to it, no matter how many times it happens.
I haven't talked about it in a little while, but I am moving back to South Florida to be closer to my parents, specifically my father. The problem is that I'm staying WITH my parents while I find a new job and a new place-and I NEVER imagined how stressful this would be! I haven't lived with them since high school, and I thought "Hey, it's no big deal, I'm an adult now..." WRONG. So, so, so wrong. It's been absolutely terrible. Here I am, a college graduate, an independant woman who has been living on my own for over five years-and I feel like a teenager again. And I FUCKING HATED MY TEENAGE YEARS! They were beyond awful, worst years of my life...and being home, living in my old room, having to constantly deal with my parents has been so mentally draining. My parents haven't changed at all-don't get me wrong, I love them and I know they love me-but going from seeing them 6 times a year to EVERY FUCKING DAY again is going to kill me. I had almost forgotten why I hated high school so much...until now.
What has been making it worse, I think, is that my mother was recently laid off, so she is currently unemployed and also job hunting...which means we are in the house together ALL DAY LONG, which means that I never have any time to just be by myself to think, write, read, cook, exercise, relax...anything! I know that this could sound very whiny and immature of me, but trust me in that you have no idea how valuable those small things are to your sense of self and independance until they are gone again! You reach a certain point in your life, and you sort of come into your own and put the past behind you, and you forgive your parents for whatever bullshit happened when you were 15, and you respect them more as human beings and hope that they have done the same towards you. I had finally begun to let go of so much, and feel as though I had earned the respect of my family and had come to be seen as an equal.
But just in the few weeks I've been here, the mere idea that I ever even THOUGHT those things has become nothing short of delusional. Technically, my lease at my apartment is not up until July 31st, so I can come and go there until August 1st. I had TRIED to get the move over with early, so that I wasn't scrambling to get out at the last minute...but I can't stand it here right now. I've been so frustrated and upset, and it has really taken a toll on my attitude and (worst of all) my body. My mother's constant nitpicking and questioning of every little thing I do or say or wear has turned me into this person that I hate. I'm always so annoyed that I've become very short with both of my parents, and in fact I rarely ever even speak to them in anything but a resentful and contentious tone. That's not the person I want to be! I'm kind and caring and patient and thoughtful!! Yet, you wouldn't know it if you just heard me the last couple of weeks.
Anyway, as you've probably expected or gathered, I've gained weight and sort of "fallen off the wagon." I've been swinging back and forth between all-out bingeing, restricting, and bingeing/purging. I've had three epic binges in the last 2 weeks that, when I was done eating enough calories for a week, I didn't even purge! I was so depressed and exhausted and hopeless feeling that I just PASSED OUT. I haven't binged and not purged in YEARS! Like, I'm talking MAJOR binges. Two pints of Ben & Jerry's, an entire bag of movie-theater-butter popcorn, an entire jar of peanut butter, full sleeves of Ritz crackers dipped and topped in whatever I can find (mustard, cream cheese, jelly, ranch dressing, olives...the list goes on and on), whole bags of mini marshmallows, Ramen noodles smothered in butter and olive oil and parmesan cheese...I think you get the idea. And then, just crying and passing out on the couch with ALL OF IT! Then, of course, I'd wake up the next day, realize what I had done, and go into an all-out panic attack over all the calories I ate, and then not eat at all for two or three days to compensate...which of course would then lead to another binge.
Then of course there have been regular binge/purge sessions, where I at least have the sense to get rid of what I just ate...like this morning while my mom was on an interview. Anyway, I think everyone understands what's been going on. I'll cut to the hard numbers and get it over with. As of this morning, I've gained 6 pounds. From 104 to 110. So disgusted with myself. But, I took pictures nonetheless, because I wanted to regain some sense of control and normalcy. I've been so miserable that I haven't even wanted to post-but I realized that maybe not posting for so long has contributed to this funk, because this is my outlet and where I have people who understand me and have been through similar struggles and who don't judge me. I couldn't sleep at all last night, my head was just racing with thoughts of how to fix this situation, and at around 4am I shot up in bed, got up, got a pad and paper, and sat down at the kitchen table while my parents slept to devise a plan, because I just can't live like this.
I've decided that the key to surviving my stint back home is to be in the house as little as humanly possible. If I'm not here, no one can bother me-right? I went out today and joined a gym-my old apartment complex had a fitness center that was included with the rent, so I didn't have to have a seperate gym membership, which saved a lot of money. HOWEVER, I am willing to spend the extra money if it gives me a place to go and get it shape while avoiding my family at the same time. Which is why I did not just join any gym, but a 24-hour gym, so that I can get the fuck out of here whenever I want to and have somewhere that will be open and let me in. Also, instead of doing all of my job searching from my parents' computer, which requires that I be in the house for hours and hours-I have decided to take my laptop to the library every day from now on. There is a local branch literally less than 10 minutes from the house-so I can walk there with a backpack and get in extra exercise, be productive, and get out of the house all at the same time. I've also decided that I don't want to be a legal secretary forever, and that I want to go to law school. Which means I have to re-take the LSATs, which means I need to study for the LSATs, which means I have another excuse to be at the library or Starbucks or wherever.
I'm also going to drive the five hours back to my apartment on July 10th (this coming Saturday) and STAY THERE until right before my lease is up. I figure, why should I suffer down here two weeks more than I have to when I'm still paying rent for that apartment for this month. That way I can sort of re-group, and finish moving everything at my own pace, instead of doing it all in one day with a rental van like my parents wanted me to do. I'm still working on what I'm going to do about food...I haven't decided yet whether to go back to my fall-back plan of negative calorie only foods, or if I want to try something new. The thing is, I'm always reading and researching new diets and tips and tricks, so even though I know that my negative-calorie method eventually gets the job done-I'm always looking for better, faster ways. There are a couple things I read about recently that I kind of want to try out...I might end up sitting down tonight and sort of making a hybrid plan of some new and old methods. I'll post tomorrow with what I come up with.
I haven't talked about it in a little while, but I am moving back to South Florida to be closer to my parents, specifically my father. The problem is that I'm staying WITH my parents while I find a new job and a new place-and I NEVER imagined how stressful this would be! I haven't lived with them since high school, and I thought "Hey, it's no big deal, I'm an adult now..." WRONG. So, so, so wrong. It's been absolutely terrible. Here I am, a college graduate, an independant woman who has been living on my own for over five years-and I feel like a teenager again. And I FUCKING HATED MY TEENAGE YEARS! They were beyond awful, worst years of my life...and being home, living in my old room, having to constantly deal with my parents has been so mentally draining. My parents haven't changed at all-don't get me wrong, I love them and I know they love me-but going from seeing them 6 times a year to EVERY FUCKING DAY again is going to kill me. I had almost forgotten why I hated high school so much...until now.
What has been making it worse, I think, is that my mother was recently laid off, so she is currently unemployed and also job hunting...which means we are in the house together ALL DAY LONG, which means that I never have any time to just be by myself to think, write, read, cook, exercise, relax...anything! I know that this could sound very whiny and immature of me, but trust me in that you have no idea how valuable those small things are to your sense of self and independance until they are gone again! You reach a certain point in your life, and you sort of come into your own and put the past behind you, and you forgive your parents for whatever bullshit happened when you were 15, and you respect them more as human beings and hope that they have done the same towards you. I had finally begun to let go of so much, and feel as though I had earned the respect of my family and had come to be seen as an equal.
But just in the few weeks I've been here, the mere idea that I ever even THOUGHT those things has become nothing short of delusional. Technically, my lease at my apartment is not up until July 31st, so I can come and go there until August 1st. I had TRIED to get the move over with early, so that I wasn't scrambling to get out at the last minute...but I can't stand it here right now. I've been so frustrated and upset, and it has really taken a toll on my attitude and (worst of all) my body. My mother's constant nitpicking and questioning of every little thing I do or say or wear has turned me into this person that I hate. I'm always so annoyed that I've become very short with both of my parents, and in fact I rarely ever even speak to them in anything but a resentful and contentious tone. That's not the person I want to be! I'm kind and caring and patient and thoughtful!! Yet, you wouldn't know it if you just heard me the last couple of weeks.
Anyway, as you've probably expected or gathered, I've gained weight and sort of "fallen off the wagon." I've been swinging back and forth between all-out bingeing, restricting, and bingeing/purging. I've had three epic binges in the last 2 weeks that, when I was done eating enough calories for a week, I didn't even purge! I was so depressed and exhausted and hopeless feeling that I just PASSED OUT. I haven't binged and not purged in YEARS! Like, I'm talking MAJOR binges. Two pints of Ben & Jerry's, an entire bag of movie-theater-butter popcorn, an entire jar of peanut butter, full sleeves of Ritz crackers dipped and topped in whatever I can find (mustard, cream cheese, jelly, ranch dressing, olives...the list goes on and on), whole bags of mini marshmallows, Ramen noodles smothered in butter and olive oil and parmesan cheese...I think you get the idea. And then, just crying and passing out on the couch with ALL OF IT! Then, of course, I'd wake up the next day, realize what I had done, and go into an all-out panic attack over all the calories I ate, and then not eat at all for two or three days to compensate...which of course would then lead to another binge.
Then of course there have been regular binge/purge sessions, where I at least have the sense to get rid of what I just ate...like this morning while my mom was on an interview. Anyway, I think everyone understands what's been going on. I'll cut to the hard numbers and get it over with. As of this morning, I've gained 6 pounds. From 104 to 110. So disgusted with myself. But, I took pictures nonetheless, because I wanted to regain some sense of control and normalcy. I've been so miserable that I haven't even wanted to post-but I realized that maybe not posting for so long has contributed to this funk, because this is my outlet and where I have people who understand me and have been through similar struggles and who don't judge me. I couldn't sleep at all last night, my head was just racing with thoughts of how to fix this situation, and at around 4am I shot up in bed, got up, got a pad and paper, and sat down at the kitchen table while my parents slept to devise a plan, because I just can't live like this.
I've decided that the key to surviving my stint back home is to be in the house as little as humanly possible. If I'm not here, no one can bother me-right? I went out today and joined a gym-my old apartment complex had a fitness center that was included with the rent, so I didn't have to have a seperate gym membership, which saved a lot of money. HOWEVER, I am willing to spend the extra money if it gives me a place to go and get it shape while avoiding my family at the same time. Which is why I did not just join any gym, but a 24-hour gym, so that I can get the fuck out of here whenever I want to and have somewhere that will be open and let me in. Also, instead of doing all of my job searching from my parents' computer, which requires that I be in the house for hours and hours-I have decided to take my laptop to the library every day from now on. There is a local branch literally less than 10 minutes from the house-so I can walk there with a backpack and get in extra exercise, be productive, and get out of the house all at the same time. I've also decided that I don't want to be a legal secretary forever, and that I want to go to law school. Which means I have to re-take the LSATs, which means I need to study for the LSATs, which means I have another excuse to be at the library or Starbucks or wherever.
I'm also going to drive the five hours back to my apartment on July 10th (this coming Saturday) and STAY THERE until right before my lease is up. I figure, why should I suffer down here two weeks more than I have to when I'm still paying rent for that apartment for this month. That way I can sort of re-group, and finish moving everything at my own pace, instead of doing it all in one day with a rental van like my parents wanted me to do. I'm still working on what I'm going to do about food...I haven't decided yet whether to go back to my fall-back plan of negative calorie only foods, or if I want to try something new. The thing is, I'm always reading and researching new diets and tips and tricks, so even though I know that my negative-calorie method eventually gets the job done-I'm always looking for better, faster ways. There are a couple things I read about recently that I kind of want to try out...I might end up sitting down tonight and sort of making a hybrid plan of some new and old methods. I'll post tomorrow with what I come up with.
Here are pics from today. ::Gulps::
This is what depressed looks like.
Front view
Side view-you can really tell in this one, where my stomach doesn't go in anymore but OUT!
So, I also went out and bought a Juicy Couture bathing suit in an EXTRA SMALL, which I am very much NOT right now, in order to motivate me. I figured, it worked with the Nanette Lepore dress, and this is something else I've wanted for a while. I only bought the bottoms though (I know, kinda weird) because I didn't like the top, and I have an off-white halter bikini top that matches and looks better. But ya so here is how this is SUPPOSED to look on someone who is thin enough to wear it:
And here is what it looks like on me right now:
I know, pretty gross. It doesn't even look like the same suit on me.
Well, that's why I have to lose the weight again! Going to be looking at this picture A LOT for motivation, you can be damn sure of that! UGH-on top of everything else, ANOTHER friend of mine is getting married tomorrow! I feel like such a bitch-it's not that I'm not happy for her, it's just like...JESUS! Why are all my friends getting married and I'm just getting more fucked up? Luckily this one is local, at the synagogue around the corner where she had her Bat Mitzvah, so no expensive plane tickets or resorts (as awesome as Antigua was-it really put a dent in my savings account!).
The thing is, I went with her on Saturday to buy everything for the wedding (it was kind of a last minute thing, long story, has to do with her fiance's immigration status)-so we were literally buying the dress, the shoes, the jewelry...EVERYTHING three days before the wedding! Luckily we found it all, but the thing is...she has lost a LOT of weight in the past 6 months or so, like went from a size 10 to a 4 (US), and she is taller than me (like everyone, not difficult when you're 4'9'') so everything just looked amazing on her. And even though I can still fit into some (not all) of my 2s right now, she still seems so much thinner than me. The whole time we were shopping store associates kept commenting on how pretty and thin she was, and it was really difficult for me. I kept thinking "You are the same size if not a little smaller than her, but she makes it look 100 times better than you do."
Whatever, I can't think anymore-I think I'm just rambling now. The point is, I have to be there an hour before everyone else tomorrow to do her make-up-so I'm going to sleep early so that I can wake up at 6am so that I can have MYSELF ready and at the synagogue in time to get HER ready.
Oy vey.
LM
Friday, June 18, 2010
You guys are too friggin sweet!!
This is just a real quick post before I have to go pick up my dad's storage sheds, but when I woke up this morning I had all these comments from you guys that were just so sweet and amazing! It truly made me smile, and I can't even express how much having you guys and this blog has helped me! Being able to talk openly about my life, my goals, my struggles, and my accompllishments along with my failures really has helped keep me sane some days! Just being able to express myself in a way that I feel I can't with those around me, because they will tell me its "unhealthy" or "bad," etc. has really improved my state of mind so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you...a million times, thank you!!
I went to a wine tasting in Miami last night, which I will post about later. Right now, I'm off to spend the day assembling sheds in the heat...yay? Until later ~ Love you guys!
LM
I went to a wine tasting in Miami last night, which I will post about later. Right now, I'm off to spend the day assembling sheds in the heat...yay? Until later ~ Love you guys!
LM
Thursday, June 17, 2010
More pics!
These were all taken today
My parents scale
Front view
Side view
Collar bone...didn't come out so well between the sun glare and the dirty mirror. Sry =(
That's all for now!
LM
Pictures!
Roberto and I at the airport in our "Vacation Hats"
First drink in Antigua! (I'm the Red Stripe)
Outside my little cabin
Roberto and I night swimming with the wine he stole from the bar after it closed!
My beautiful Vera walking to the altar!
The ceremony
Cutting the cake
Me and the beautiful bride at the reception
Me with the groom and sister-in-law! Everyone thought it would be funny to get a picture of how short we both are compared to him! Check the dressssssssss!
My favorite picture of the whole wedding! It's so beautiful, it's a shame to black out their faces.
Back in the USA!
Hey everyone!
The giant gap in posting has to do with my roomie's emergency surgery being RIGHT before I had to leave for Antigua, so between spending all my time at the hospital, packing, driving all the way down to Miami for the flight, and leaving...I didn't have a spare minute to think, let alone post. Then, once I was in Antigua...of course my cell phone didn't work without charging me $19.95 per MB transferred, and I didn't bring my laptop because I was afraid of something happening to it. SOOOOOO, ya. BUT, I'm finally home!!
I got back in the country last night, and got a good night's sleep...and now I am ready to majorly fill you guys in! As far as my roommate, thanks so much for your concern. It actually was/is pretty serious, but she's going to be OK. She has something called Ulcerative Colitis, which is basically an inflammatory disease of the large intestine. It's extremely painful, and she ended up having to have part of her intestine removed. She's doing a lot better now, and luckily they didn't have to do one of the more extreme surgeries where the entire colon is removed and them you have to have a colostomy bag...which is kinda of gross. They only had to remove a small part, so she is recovering well now. I'm really happy that she's doing better, but she is still in some pain and won't be able to work for another few weeks. Her room is also upstairs, and since the srugery she can't go up and down stairs very easily, which means she has been living on the couch in the living room. Obviously, she's sick and needs to be there...but I can't imagine another 3 weeks of not being able to use the living room or TV there, so I'll probably try and not be home as much as possible so that I don't feel locked in my room.
And, for the more relevant (to this blog) news...I have good and bad regarding my weight, the wedding, and the dress. The bad news, is that with all of the time I ended up spending at the hospital and the tight travel schedule, I ended up not being able to get in very much exercise in those last days before I left. So, I never reached my 99lb goal. Ugh, that hurts just typing it. HOWEVER, that is the only bad news, and despite not getting under 100lb before leaving, I also didn't gain ANY WEIGHT. Which, to me, is a small victory in and of itself, considering the lack of exercise and some of the awful hospital food I ate. When I left for Antigua, I was still exactly 105lbs...however, because of everything, I didn't have the time to take pictures. I did take pictures at the wedding though...IN MY SIZE ZERO DRESS!!!! Ya, that's basically the best news....that even with not getting down to 99lbs, that Nanette Lepore dress I ordered somehow, magically, miraculously, managed to zip up and fit for the wedding!!! I don't know how it happened, but I'm not going to question it. I'll just accept the gift!!
The wedding was absolutely gorgeous, the resort was fabulous, and it was so amazing to see so many of my friends again in one place when I hadn't seen a lot of them in over a year. What I was worried about, of course, was eating at the resort-it was an all-inclusive deal, so all your meals and drinks were free. Well, not "free"-you pay for it in the price of the resort, but you don't have to think about it while you're there, which is really awesome. However, I was concerned with there just unlimited amounts of free food everywhere, that would lead me to binge and purge constantly. Well, I was there for four days, and ate 3 meals a day every day, and then drank alcohol at night...and only purged one time the entire time I was there. Here is the strangest part: I felt AMAZING! Like, I felt great in all my outfits, everything fit me, I felt good in all of my bathing suits...I have really never experienced anything like it before. I felt healthy, and balanced, and like even though I was eating 3 meals a day, it was ok. I didn't feel like I was gaining weight, I was having regular BMs (the more PC way to say bowel movements, lol), and I just felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.
I've been trying to figure out what it was about the trip that made me feel so good. I think it was a combination of things. First, it wasn't like a normal hotel-style resort. It was 30 individual cottages, each held two people, and they were staggered into the natural mountain side. I happened to be in the cottage that was the furthest up the mountain, so going back and forth from the beach, the pool, the dining area and my cottage was actually quite a hike, and it was uphill. I made the trip back and forth at least 10 times a day, so I think that part of why I didn't feel like I was gaining weight was all of the exercise I was getting that was built into the trip. Then, I pretty much spent all of my time swimming, either in the ocean orin the pool. Swimming burns a TON of calories, so I think that helped, too. Finally, the way the meals were set up, was that breakfast and lunch was buffet-style, and dinner was sit down-style with a menu.
The buffets had very few vegetarian options, so for breakfast every day I really didn't have anything too different from what I was having at home. The only thing I could eat was the eggs and the fruit, really...everything else was come form of meat. And the eggs weren't pre-made, there was an actual station where they cooked everything to order for you, so you could request only the whites. So, every day for breakfast all I had was egg whites with chopped mushrooms, some strawberries and watermelon, and black coffee. Very little calories in all, and yet it was quite filling and all I usually wanted/needed after the previous night of wine-drinking, lol. Lunch was the same, very little vegetarian options. There was always three different kinds of meats, and then salad and some sides. So each day I pretty much ate a giant plate of lettuce with balsamic vinegar, and whatever side didn't have meat mixed in. One day there was this delicious looking chick pea and artichoke heart salad that look amazing that I wanted to try so badly, but they had to go and mix in bacon, so I couldn't have it. The worst thing I had the whole trip was some pasta one day, but I had only a half cup and didn't put any cheese or sauce on it, just topped my salad with it and ate it with vinegar. Dinner had three menue options that changed each night, but it was always 1 meat dish, 1 fish dish, and 1 vegetarian dish...so that was pretty much picked out for me! One night it was a grilled porobello mushroom with no bun (it was like they KNEW!), one night it was roasted vegetables in a lemon-butter sauces, and another night it was a Carribean-style rice and beans sort of casserole. Really, the meals couldn't have been more perfect for my situation. I was able to sit down and eat three times a day with everyone, so that no-one was wondering why I wasn't eating or anything, and still in reality stick pretty well to a very low calorie, low carb intake.
The wedding was absolutely beautiful, and my friend looked so gorgeous. I took about a kajillion pictures, and I'll post soem of them just so you can see how pretty it was. The worst part of the whole trip was just a little bit of sadness I felt that she had moved on to another stage in her life, had found love, etc...and that I am nowhere close. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but of course I never expressed that. But I really don't think it's that abnormal for single people to have those feelings at weddings. It didn't help that literally all of the other guests aside from me and my friend Roberto were couples-and they were all taking those lovely beach-couple pictures. You know the poses-kissing in the sunset, holding hands in the sand, etc. Which just left me and Roberto taking pictures of trees and leaves and shit, haha. Anyway, I think that if that was the worst part, then it was pretty great overall. I'm so happy I went, and you know what the best part is? I left at 105lb, and came back at 104lb! So even with the meal schedule, I actually LOST a pound while I was there, which like I said, I think has something to do with how effing far up a mountainside my cabin was, and all of the swimming.
I'm still at my parents' place at the moment, won't be returning home until Sunday morning. I figured with my roommate living on the couch, I may as well stay away as long as possible, plus, this weekend is Father's Day! But, my dad is actually flying to Washington, D.C. on Saturday to spend it with my sister and her kids, since they haven't seen him since his surgery. Which, by the way, he has been recovering AMAZINGLY! Even faster than the doctors predicted, and he returned to work last week! I'm just so happy that he is doing wo well after such a traumatic surgery, that I wanted to really do something special for him this father's day. So even though he is leaving Saturday, I'm going to take him out Friday night. The only catch is, since his heart surgery, he has a pretty restricted diet, so I can't just take him to his favorite place and let him have his favorite meal like I wish I could-so instead I'm going to cook a really healthy meal for him at home, and then take him out to South Beach, Miami for a live flamenco show, which he has always wanted to see. Also, he has these storage sheds outside in the backyard that have been through three hurricanes now, and are completely falling apart. But, since he has been recovering from quadruple-bypass surgery, it hasn't exactly been a priority. So I also ordered two new storage sheds from Lowe's, which I'm picking up tomorrow morning. I'll then spend the day while he's at work assembling them and transferring all the stuff over from the other ones, and then throwing the old ones out. I know he's going to love it!
Since this post is so long, I'll end it here and do another post for the pictures. An all-picture post! I took ones this morning of the scale, front, side, collar bone...and then I have some wedding pictures, and specifically one of me in THE DRESS!! I'll post them in the next hour! I have to re-do my weight goals and dates, too, but I probably wont get to mapping that out until later tonight or tomorrow morning. Until then-thanks for reading, and stay strong!
LM
The giant gap in posting has to do with my roomie's emergency surgery being RIGHT before I had to leave for Antigua, so between spending all my time at the hospital, packing, driving all the way down to Miami for the flight, and leaving...I didn't have a spare minute to think, let alone post. Then, once I was in Antigua...of course my cell phone didn't work without charging me $19.95 per MB transferred, and I didn't bring my laptop because I was afraid of something happening to it. SOOOOOO, ya. BUT, I'm finally home!!
I got back in the country last night, and got a good night's sleep...and now I am ready to majorly fill you guys in! As far as my roommate, thanks so much for your concern. It actually was/is pretty serious, but she's going to be OK. She has something called Ulcerative Colitis, which is basically an inflammatory disease of the large intestine. It's extremely painful, and she ended up having to have part of her intestine removed. She's doing a lot better now, and luckily they didn't have to do one of the more extreme surgeries where the entire colon is removed and them you have to have a colostomy bag...which is kinda of gross. They only had to remove a small part, so she is recovering well now. I'm really happy that she's doing better, but she is still in some pain and won't be able to work for another few weeks. Her room is also upstairs, and since the srugery she can't go up and down stairs very easily, which means she has been living on the couch in the living room. Obviously, she's sick and needs to be there...but I can't imagine another 3 weeks of not being able to use the living room or TV there, so I'll probably try and not be home as much as possible so that I don't feel locked in my room.
And, for the more relevant (to this blog) news...I have good and bad regarding my weight, the wedding, and the dress. The bad news, is that with all of the time I ended up spending at the hospital and the tight travel schedule, I ended up not being able to get in very much exercise in those last days before I left. So, I never reached my 99lb goal. Ugh, that hurts just typing it. HOWEVER, that is the only bad news, and despite not getting under 100lb before leaving, I also didn't gain ANY WEIGHT. Which, to me, is a small victory in and of itself, considering the lack of exercise and some of the awful hospital food I ate. When I left for Antigua, I was still exactly 105lbs...however, because of everything, I didn't have the time to take pictures. I did take pictures at the wedding though...IN MY SIZE ZERO DRESS!!!! Ya, that's basically the best news....that even with not getting down to 99lbs, that Nanette Lepore dress I ordered somehow, magically, miraculously, managed to zip up and fit for the wedding!!! I don't know how it happened, but I'm not going to question it. I'll just accept the gift!!
The wedding was absolutely gorgeous, the resort was fabulous, and it was so amazing to see so many of my friends again in one place when I hadn't seen a lot of them in over a year. What I was worried about, of course, was eating at the resort-it was an all-inclusive deal, so all your meals and drinks were free. Well, not "free"-you pay for it in the price of the resort, but you don't have to think about it while you're there, which is really awesome. However, I was concerned with there just unlimited amounts of free food everywhere, that would lead me to binge and purge constantly. Well, I was there for four days, and ate 3 meals a day every day, and then drank alcohol at night...and only purged one time the entire time I was there. Here is the strangest part: I felt AMAZING! Like, I felt great in all my outfits, everything fit me, I felt good in all of my bathing suits...I have really never experienced anything like it before. I felt healthy, and balanced, and like even though I was eating 3 meals a day, it was ok. I didn't feel like I was gaining weight, I was having regular BMs (the more PC way to say bowel movements, lol), and I just felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.
I've been trying to figure out what it was about the trip that made me feel so good. I think it was a combination of things. First, it wasn't like a normal hotel-style resort. It was 30 individual cottages, each held two people, and they were staggered into the natural mountain side. I happened to be in the cottage that was the furthest up the mountain, so going back and forth from the beach, the pool, the dining area and my cottage was actually quite a hike, and it was uphill. I made the trip back and forth at least 10 times a day, so I think that part of why I didn't feel like I was gaining weight was all of the exercise I was getting that was built into the trip. Then, I pretty much spent all of my time swimming, either in the ocean orin the pool. Swimming burns a TON of calories, so I think that helped, too. Finally, the way the meals were set up, was that breakfast and lunch was buffet-style, and dinner was sit down-style with a menu.
The buffets had very few vegetarian options, so for breakfast every day I really didn't have anything too different from what I was having at home. The only thing I could eat was the eggs and the fruit, really...everything else was come form of meat. And the eggs weren't pre-made, there was an actual station where they cooked everything to order for you, so you could request only the whites. So, every day for breakfast all I had was egg whites with chopped mushrooms, some strawberries and watermelon, and black coffee. Very little calories in all, and yet it was quite filling and all I usually wanted/needed after the previous night of wine-drinking, lol. Lunch was the same, very little vegetarian options. There was always three different kinds of meats, and then salad and some sides. So each day I pretty much ate a giant plate of lettuce with balsamic vinegar, and whatever side didn't have meat mixed in. One day there was this delicious looking chick pea and artichoke heart salad that look amazing that I wanted to try so badly, but they had to go and mix in bacon, so I couldn't have it. The worst thing I had the whole trip was some pasta one day, but I had only a half cup and didn't put any cheese or sauce on it, just topped my salad with it and ate it with vinegar. Dinner had three menue options that changed each night, but it was always 1 meat dish, 1 fish dish, and 1 vegetarian dish...so that was pretty much picked out for me! One night it was a grilled porobello mushroom with no bun (it was like they KNEW!), one night it was roasted vegetables in a lemon-butter sauces, and another night it was a Carribean-style rice and beans sort of casserole. Really, the meals couldn't have been more perfect for my situation. I was able to sit down and eat three times a day with everyone, so that no-one was wondering why I wasn't eating or anything, and still in reality stick pretty well to a very low calorie, low carb intake.
The wedding was absolutely beautiful, and my friend looked so gorgeous. I took about a kajillion pictures, and I'll post soem of them just so you can see how pretty it was. The worst part of the whole trip was just a little bit of sadness I felt that she had moved on to another stage in her life, had found love, etc...and that I am nowhere close. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but of course I never expressed that. But I really don't think it's that abnormal for single people to have those feelings at weddings. It didn't help that literally all of the other guests aside from me and my friend Roberto were couples-and they were all taking those lovely beach-couple pictures. You know the poses-kissing in the sunset, holding hands in the sand, etc. Which just left me and Roberto taking pictures of trees and leaves and shit, haha. Anyway, I think that if that was the worst part, then it was pretty great overall. I'm so happy I went, and you know what the best part is? I left at 105lb, and came back at 104lb! So even with the meal schedule, I actually LOST a pound while I was there, which like I said, I think has something to do with how effing far up a mountainside my cabin was, and all of the swimming.
I'm still at my parents' place at the moment, won't be returning home until Sunday morning. I figured with my roommate living on the couch, I may as well stay away as long as possible, plus, this weekend is Father's Day! But, my dad is actually flying to Washington, D.C. on Saturday to spend it with my sister and her kids, since they haven't seen him since his surgery. Which, by the way, he has been recovering AMAZINGLY! Even faster than the doctors predicted, and he returned to work last week! I'm just so happy that he is doing wo well after such a traumatic surgery, that I wanted to really do something special for him this father's day. So even though he is leaving Saturday, I'm going to take him out Friday night. The only catch is, since his heart surgery, he has a pretty restricted diet, so I can't just take him to his favorite place and let him have his favorite meal like I wish I could-so instead I'm going to cook a really healthy meal for him at home, and then take him out to South Beach, Miami for a live flamenco show, which he has always wanted to see. Also, he has these storage sheds outside in the backyard that have been through three hurricanes now, and are completely falling apart. But, since he has been recovering from quadruple-bypass surgery, it hasn't exactly been a priority. So I also ordered two new storage sheds from Lowe's, which I'm picking up tomorrow morning. I'll then spend the day while he's at work assembling them and transferring all the stuff over from the other ones, and then throwing the old ones out. I know he's going to love it!
Since this post is so long, I'll end it here and do another post for the pictures. An all-picture post! I took ones this morning of the scale, front, side, collar bone...and then I have some wedding pictures, and specifically one of me in THE DRESS!! I'll post them in the next hour! I have to re-do my weight goals and dates, too, but I probably wont get to mapping that out until later tonight or tomorrow morning. Until then-thanks for reading, and stay strong!
LM
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Emergency
Hey this is real quick from my iPhone at the hospital, my roommate is really sick, had to take her to the emergency room Sunday night...been in and out of hospital since, haven't had time to post...will explain when I am able to type at my laptop. She is having surgery now. Won't be home til they finish and tell us everything went ok. Keep her in your thoughts! More details when this is all over.
LM
LM
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